What Mark Twain DID NOT Say

          Mark Twain is one of the world's most commonly quoted authors, but he did not say everything that has been attributed to him. Below is a list of quotes often attributed to Twain that were either written by someone else or can not be found in his works. They are drawn from three sources, and the reference for each quote is identified in the list.

          It is possible to prove that Mark Twain wrote or said something if it can be found in his writings, speeches, or interviews. But it is ultimately impossible to prove that he did not say something unless another verifiable source can be found. If the authors of quotations are known, they are identified in parentheses in the list below. All others are believed to be erroneously attributed to Twain because they can not be found in his works.

          A gold miner is a liar standing next to a hole in the ground.(1)

          Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.(1)

          Don't go to sleep, so many people die there.(1)

          Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. (Charles Dudley Warner)(2)

          Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.(2)

          I don't exaggerate -- I just remember big.(1)

          If you can't sleep, try lying on the end of the bed, then you might drop off.(1)

          If you don't like the weather, wait a minute.(1)

          It is better to be careful a hundred times than to be killed once.(1)

          Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "We."(1)

          Politics makes strange bedfellows. (Charles Dudley Warner)(2)

          So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it, but I couldn't find honest employment.(1)

          The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.(1)

          The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.(1)

          The devil is alive and doing well because he has so many damned helpers.(1)

          There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. (Twain attributed this to Disraeli)(3)

          There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.(1)

          Wagner's music is better than it sounds. (Twain was quoting Bill Nye)(2)

          When I feel the urge to exercise, I go lie down until it passes away.(1)

          When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.(2)

          When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Cincinnati because it's always twenty years behind the times.(1)

          ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

          References:

          1. Kim A. McDonald, "Many of Mark Twain's Famed Humorous Sayings Are Found to Have Been Misattributed to Him," Chronicle of Higher Education (Sept. 4, 1991), A8.

          2. Shelley Fisher Fishkin, Lighting Out for the Territory: Reflections on Mark Twain and American Culture (New York: Oxford University Press, 1996), 133-137.

          3. Mark Twain, Mark Twain's Own Autobiography: The Chapters from the North American Review, ed. Michael J. Kiskis (Madison: University of Wisconsin Press, 1990).

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