Q: What goes Ho, Ho,
Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a
revolving door!
Q: What kind of cereal
does Santa eat?
A: Snowflakes!
Not
long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip . .
. but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. Naturally, this stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the all liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree, Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel
came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
A Redneck Night
Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the trailer,
We're dreaming of shotguns
And cheap polyester.
My Ford truck was parked on
Its blocks in the yard,
In hopes that St. Nicholas
Would bring me some tars.
I in my pajamas and my deer huntin'
cap
Had just keeled over for a good drunken
nap.
When up on my tin roof there arose
such a racket,
I opened the dog box so the hounds
could go track it.
And then on the roof I discovered the
cause,
Perched up on my chimney was ol' Santy
Clause!
And then from my eyes there fell tear
by tear,
As I saw those eight tasty lookin'
reindeer.
"Shoot" I said, "I'd feel bad if I
shot 'em"
Although eight big reindeer would
last me past autumn.
Those horns would look great hangin'
up on my wall,
But if I shot them, Santa'd have no
transport at all.
So I yelled to the Big Guy, "Santa,
it's me!
You forgot my bicycle back when I
was three!
Santa, remember that time I was five?
I asked for the Bee Gees' Stayin'
Alive!
What did you bring me this year. old
man?
Some tires for my truck or parts for
my van?
I asked for a rifle and two cans of
Skoal,
But I'll bet what I got ain't what
you was told!
So what's in the sack, Santa, if I
may inquire?
Two cans of Spam! You dirty ol' liar!
Well, that's OK Santa, you just made
my day,
Cause I'm eatin' reindeer from now
until May!"
Thirty days later, my freezer's still
full,
And Santa's ol' sleigh is for cattle
to pull.
Then I heard St. Nick beller as he
rode out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, I hope cattle
can fly!"
Santa packed up his goodies and piled
tall in his sleigh,
And to fatten his cattle, I sold him
some hay.
Such a wonderful Christmas, friends,
yes it is true,
But what is ol' Sany Clause bringin'
for you?
