Burns, George

"I have my 87th birthday coming up and people ask what I'd most appreciate getting. I'll tell you : a paternity suit."

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." - quoted in Life