Allen, Woody

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman."

"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"The only way to be happy is to love to suffer."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . . I want to achieve it through not dying." - quoted in Woody Allen and his Comedy by Eric Lax

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a cross-roads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." - Side Effects

"The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife. . . . Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held." - Without Feathers