Recently I was excommunicated from an obscure little religion, called Free Methodism, of which I was a card carrying member for lo these past 25 years.
Don't let the name fool you. It was not free! Dues in the amount of 10% of your income were harvested weekly with soft organ music wafting over the little congregation, while golden plates shaped like soup bowls, were reverently distributed throughout the pews just prior to the sermon. It was one of the most holy moments of the service, second only to the sermon itself. (Although for the young and the most Holy of the Elders, the two groups that could not possibly benefit from the sermon since the young were too innocent to sin, and the old too tired, it also signified ‘nap time').
The plates were golden in color, in keeping with the elegance and richness of God, but were forged from light weight brass, lest in the passing, some erred in believing that the plate was laden with too much booty and mistakenly took the weightiness of the collection plate as ‘full' thereby influencing the amount of the contribution. The inside bottom of the plate was lined with bright red felt, to cushion the crass noise of cash hitting brass. Such a noise could break the spirit of holiness that hovered over the believers at such a sacred moment as the parting with money. It has been argued that those who were truly spiritual and in tune with the needs of the church, would give paper denominations rather than coin and therefore the ‘plate vs cash crash' would not be a problem.
Solemn spiritual leaders of the of group, (men of course) stood sanctimoniously at the end of each pew, under the guise of directing the path of the plate, in the event that the pew sitters were too stupid to figure out which direction the plate should go (don't laugh, this happens a lot). Of course in reality, these ushers were posted as pew guards so as not to allow for any escapees. As much as Holy men will tell you that holiness has nothing to do with how much cash you give, giving no cash at all gets you a ‘not so holy' rating. Therefore, the pew guards are there not so much as a threat, but merely as a reminder that it is better to give than to leave the church under the judgement of being ‘cheap'. At the end of the offering ceremony, the plates are whisked away to be counted AFTER the sermon. Counting money is NOT an acceptable reason to miss the sermon. (See above re: young and old for who is eligible to miss the sermon)
The giving of cash ceremony is also accompanied by much prayer. Apparently God does not know we are giving him money, we have to tell him. The Pew Guards display the plates reverently at the front of the church, before the minister. Some churches pray over the empty plates prior to the taking, others pray over the overflowing plates after the fact. The financial health of the organization can be readily determined by when the prayer for money is uttered in the ceremony. If prayer precedes the actual taking of the funds, this could indicate that either the financial situation is hurting in the old bank account, what with the bank manager not communicating with God a whole lot, OR, the people in the congregation are just downright cheap. In the case of Free Methodism, the latter is pretty well the case, free being their first choice. Ergo, in Free Methodism, the prayer for payment always precedes the plate passing.
But I digress. The important thing that you have to remember about Free Methodism is this--1) WE ARE RIGHT, AND 2) WE SPEAK FOR GOD! If God has anything to say to you, He'll say it through us! We know exactly what every word of the bible means! All those parts that seem confusing about creation? Hell? The Seven Seals? Revelation? Ask us-- we know what God meant to say.I know, I know, you are saying, ‘Hey! If Free Methodists speak for God, how come I've never heard of Free Methodism?" That's simple. There aren't very many of us.. less than 10,000 in Canada alone (even less now that I've gone)..and most of those 10,000 hold executive positions in the organization and are on the payroll. I mean, we can't ALL speak for God now can we?? All those other guys? like Catholics and Muslims and Hindus? They are all wrong. WE ARE RIGHT!
We tolerate Jews because they had God first, but on a few critical issues, doggone it, EVEN they are wrong! Easy to see why such a perfect religion would reject one such as I isn't it?
Why was I excommunicated?? Good question and you have every right to ask. Apparently it was for lack of participation on my part. The church went on without me during a life crisis, and the fact that I had no car, and no bus service in my area of town on Sundays, and that my church was 40 miles down the highway was not an acceptable excuse for not participating, although I strongly believe that had I sent a check in the mail every week, my actual physical presence would not have been required. (In truth, to this day, having spent so many Sunday mornings in those uncomfortable, cold wooden pews, I have to honestly say, I feel so much closer to God while sleeping in on Sunday mornings, or sitting in bed watching a British soap opera on the CBC while leisurely sipping hot fresh coffee. Now THIS is Heaven!)Well, after receiving my carefully ambiguously worded, but caring letter telling me that in Christian love, I was persona non grata at my local sanctuary, I was at a loss. I had been downsized! What would I do? Where does one go when God doesn't want you anymore? Oh, sure, I could join another ism, but gee whiz, all my life I had been taught that all those other isms were wrong.
I looked around at what other professionals do in a similar situations and after a very good friend pointed out to me that my full Italian name sounds like a Gregorian chant, it hit me! Kind of like an inspiration, I realized that..hey! I've got the experience, the contacts, the personality, and most importantly, I've got a religious sounding name, everything I need to go into business for myself. I can start my own religion.
Now all religions have some basic religious components, and mine is no exception. First, there is a basic belief in a higher power. My religion believes that higher power to be the Great Cosmic Fat Force. You need proof that the Great Cosmic Fat Force exists? Gads man, just look around you. Behold, fat people everywhere! What more proof do you need? This would account for why there are so many starving skinny people in the Godless third world countries like Hollywood. We will have to send missionaries there to convert them to the GCFF.
Secondly, a basic belief in the origin of the universe and the creation of man. I'm working on this one! Rome wasn't built in a day you know, and even God needed seven days, give me a break! However, I'm open to suggestions if you would like to email them to me. I do believe man was created as a practice shot at humans. The Great Cosmic Fat Force took one look at man and said... I can do better than this, and created woman. Hence, women are fatter... in keeping with the image of the creator.
Thirdly, a belief in how the world will end. This is easy. The world as you know it, will end the day you leave it!
Fourthly, a belief in an after life. Certainly! What would life on this earth be without a belief in the after life. In Great Cosmic Fat Forcism, the after life is all the days you live after your ‘best before' date. Other terms for the after life could be ‘off code' or ‘expired', or a combination of terms such as ‘after glow' for those out of body sexual experiences, and ‘half life' for those out of mind drug experiences, as long as these experiences are spiritually moving.
Fifthly, a creed to live by. Ahhh yes a creed. I think my Italian name says it all. Recordo Dominee Predote. You pronounce it Ray-cord-oh Dome-eenay Pray-doh-tay. Chant it over and over a hundred times a day.... need I say more? It'll make a believer out of you.
Sixthly, commandments. My religion has only one commandment, but, it will put the fear of God into anyone. The commandment is ‘DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT' Thinking of boinking the neighbor's wife? Don't! Thinking of cheating on your tax return?? Don't! Get it? It's so simple it frightens even me. And what a way to raise our kids. Every time they ask us if they can have something or do something or go somewhere, the answer is a simple NO! And when they ask why? Why, because we don't believe in it of course.
Next, Religious Holidays: This will be all encompassing in respect for every religion everywhere. We will observe EVERY religious holiday, no matter how obscure. These holidays will be observed with the traditional absence from work and feasting, but to make them uniquely ours, we will chant Recordo Dominee Predote upon awakening and just before retiring.
And last but not least, every religion needs a bit of good old Tradition, and my religion will be no exception. In keeping with Tradition, we will maintain the 10% of your income rule. The beauty of this religion is.. nothing is required of you - just send your money. You don't have to attend all those meetings, or listen to long boring sermons, you don't have to serve on any boards or committees.. You don't have to pretend to love the unlovable, or suffer through their amateur compositions of songs and poems. You don't even have to get out of bed on Sunday mornings. Go ahead, sleep in, relax. Just mail in the check.
Thinking of not paying your 10% this week??? DON'T. Make that check payable Ray-cord-oh Dome- eenay Pray-doh-tay!
May the Force be with you.Comments? Prayer requests? Contributions? Email me at pattenr@mcmaster.ca