· BskyB has died. The beast keeled over yesterday, following a massive heart attack. A spectre of Murdoch rose into the sky, filling the air with a haunting antipodeon wail and people fled in terror; but behold! a sweet, fresh wind emanating from Manchester, home of our beloved employer blew; and as a wave washes away deitrus, so the air was purified, and people rejoiced and sang and danced. Soon after, upon a noble steed, our Chairman Mr Gerry Robinson arrived and in a symbolic act of triumph urinated on the smouldering corpse. Granada Group shares rocketed to obscene levels. We are now worth more than Africa.
· Two leading economists yesterday argued in a London cafe. Their conversation became so boring they were brutally stabbed to death by the cafe’s proprietor. Police say that Mr Scalpel, who has a record of killing dullards "makes a damned fine cup of coffee" and are therefore letting him off.
· LWT’s transmission of An Audience With The Spice Girls has been delayed following controversy in the studio. When motormouth Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson asked the popsters what they thought of him, the girls summoned him onto the stage, lay him down and took turns to defecate over his face. Ginger Spice, Geri, the fucking slapper, said, "We were letting him know has shit for brains." Jeremy quipped later, "It’s not every man who can say they’ve looked up the shitting cracks of all five Spice girls!" And of Posh Spice Victoria he commented, "She’s definitely the poshest. I am sure I tasted smoked salmon."
· "Dani Behr is a good shag," said Brazil football team.
· Andi Peters has reacted angrily to the suggestion that he and Emma Forbes are having an affair. "No disrespect to Emma, but I would rather sit on a broom handle," he said.
CORRECTION:
· "Dani Behr is a good shag," said Brazil. more media news