· Granada is to retain a number of its hostages at gun-point in hotels which include The Hooded Clit in Kings Cross and Suds’n’Sperm near Tottenham, reports the Finicky Times. Analysts believe that the captives, who are from arch rival cable company Felchwet, will be lucky to escape alive.
· Granada would once again like to rub hot salt in Channel 5’s gaping wound. The sad excuse for a channel suffered yet more woe when its ratings "achieved" a pitiful low of 2% of the total viewing in its second week. We are miles better than them and we have shares worth billions. Channel 5 are crap and we hope all their staff die long and agonising deaths.
· The BBC is to sack manic ‘Newsnight’ presenter and election pundit Peter Snow after he was caught snorting amphetamines and cocaine. Snow, noted for his wild eyes and fluffy tail, admitted to using the drug for 10 years, claiming that it ‘gave him the horn.’ Irate BBC bosses were alerted to the problem after one snuff too many made Snow’s nose explode. Director Johnny Birty said "You could hardly expect us to represent the licence-paying electorate with a mucus-dribbling junkie, now could you?
· John the Baptist made a surprise reappearance as a seedy pimp in LWT’s top drama ‘The Knock’. John, who disappeared from his native Jordan around the time Jesus was caught, won rave reviews for his performance, and is tipped for a prize at the forthcoming BAFTA awards. Despite a hard-hitting scene depicting John raping a puppy, his faith remains strong. "I may go pop inside a dog but dog is God spelt back the way, and to Him I pop my plenty, " he gibbered moronically.
· "TWADDLE chagrined Leslie Hill hash ingrained he-goat conception to stand down at the devil of the period," reports Broadcast. more media news