· Granada expects to announce the sale of specially embossed penis extensions to feebly endowed punters. These limited edition love aids will feature pictures of dishy TV hunks Des Barnes and the tragically ill Joe Longthorne. Granada spokesperson, Helmet Small, said the product would "appeal to men of all sexual orientation."
· CLiT, the Luxembourg-based television company of dubious taste, and Bert Reynolds, the fallen movie idol, will join forces to produce low budget porn, reports the Guardian. CliT are confident the star appeal will entice viewers from all corners of the world. Bert’s ‘member’ is expected to feature prominently in the twice weekly films, as are animals, urine and naked women.
· A senior prostitute at ‘Corporate Caress’ has been offered substantial extra bonus payments if she agrees to take on three media bigwigs. She is planning to satisfy John Birt, Greg Dyke and Michael Grade simultaneously at a forthcoming orgy, reports The Independent. Corporate caress also revealed their new controversial slogan: "Tight Pussy For Fat Cats".
· Duncan Wood, one of television’s leading harbingers of doom, has died, aged 271. He gave anti-depressants to Tony Hancock, heart disease to most of Dad’s Army’s cast and talked Christopher Reeve into taking up horse riding. He also sold Leah Betts a small white, deadly pill, and stalked school children for a hobby. His decaying body appears in The Times and Independent.
· Another couple who grouped and spurted on LWT’s weekly shag fest Blind Date are to get married, says today’s Sun. The aptly named Andrea Tongue, 26, will be the third contestant to knot the tie for her literally ‘blind’ date when she marries Piers Liron, a former pilot who had his eyes gouged out by evil Iraqi torturers. Saucy Andrea said yesterday, "He may not be able to see me but he can certainly feel my ‘tongue’! And he likes it when I suck his cock." Piers and Andrea plan to wed next Tuesday.