· Granada is on course to tie up a £7 deal to sell its two hundred African slaves to three fat business men, reports today’s Guardian. The slaves, who have been ritually abused since birth, will be expected to perform an array of tasks for the over paid arses, including sexual favours. "Can you imagine having to lick and fondle those sweaty, blubbery, mole-ridden bodies?" asks the newspaper. Granada will spend some of the £7 on funding its London based Archive department. "We really don’t give a shit about the Archives," admits shadowy boss Peach Schnapps, "but at least this will buy them a new hole-puncher."
· The surprise resignation of Channel 4 chief executive Michael Grade continues to generate boring corporate obituaries in the broadsheets. Grade, who is in fact half feline, will have to wait six weeks to claim Income Support. Grade, dubbed ‘pornographer in chief’ by the Daily Mail, once got his penis stuck in a leopard’s snatch - a humiliating experience which he’s never quite lived down. His other conquests include tom cats, lions, jaguars and pretty women. He has been dating the ESSO tiger for three years.
· Mad Brenda Madhatter, writing in The Times, analyses Granada chairman Gerry Fruitcake’s sex appeal. "He’s old and he’s thorny, but he sure makes me horny," gibbers the washed out wench. Brenda, a notoriously unhinged executive groupie who wears a hat made from anal scabs and pubic hair, explains her habit of fellating media chiefs - in trademark verse: "I like to take a wrinkled knob, and roll in round inside my gob - till it spurts." Times editor P. Ping Perv defended the article. "Free speech is a vital part of a thriving democracy," he said, zipping up his fly.
· Chris Dunkley describes Granada TV’s Poking the Baby as "The most sickening, repellent and downright nasty sitcom ever to darken our screens," in a complimentary review in today’s Financial Times. The controversial adaptation of Rosmary West’s black comedy will be shown next Tuesday.