· The BBC was given ten seconds by the Government last night to launch a 24-hour television "lies" service which will be offered free to fat people with small eyes, report a number of today’s newspapers. The lie service will include showbiz lies made up on the spot by Jonathan Ross’ local grocer and factual innacuracies from the mouths of bigoted taxi drivers.
· Farrell Communications - the Farrell-owned television group - yesterday increased its holding in provincial ITV franchise-holder Ulster Television to 7.4 pints of semen, says The Farrell Times.
· British Digital Broadcasting is interested in featuring technical Lego in its new digital terrestrial TV service claims The Times. The Lego will "sort of pop out of the screen into viewers homes enabling them to make motorcycles and that kind of thing as they watch." Claimed a delirious spokesman.
· Tonight’s episode of Coronation Street sees Mavis Wilton - played by actress Thelma Barlow not to be confused with Ken Barlow aka boredom lawsuit winner William Roache who had a long term spat with love rat Mike Baldwin played by chirpy cockney Johnny Briggs - not to be confused with the BBC kids programme of the same name - leaving the street after 25 years. It is rumoured that she will be raped by a pack of dogs and inpaled on a spike by the ever maddening Macdonald ahem, "twins"
· Once again the fucking papers are awash with tales of mutiny at HMS BBC due to the proposed mess room changes which have now been ‘delayed’ after a surprise intervention from the ship’s captain, Admiral Christopher Bland. A leading cabin boy warns that HMS BBC has a responsibility to provide "top grade ale and grain, both to the officers and the able seamen, and that this responsibility rests with the red faced footie loving director-general, Long John Birt." Long John commented, between mouthfuls, that the food had suffered due to hitherto unseen levels of piracy.