According to yesterday’s Evening Standard Coronation Street Star Thelma Barlow is said to be saddened by the increasing amount of hard-core porn scenes being used as a ratings winner. ‘It’s not fair,’ she moans pathetically, ‘because it discriminates against ugly, dried-up old hags like me and Rita’
Selina Scott, the best paid secret lesbian in TV, has quit her Sky Talk show. Scott, who once sucked an unripe plum through her bottom, is widely regarded as being very wet and entirely without talent. The overpaid spinster of doubtful orientation agreed to put a plug in her gob and straddle a pole on The Selina Show in a desperate bid to attract perverts. But after the ratings reached a pitiful nadir of only 6 viewers, Selina trounced out of the studio in disgust. Macho Producer Randy Hoare believes the ‘show must go on... preferably hosted by someone who’ll let me rodger them senseless.’
Today’s news papers say that Greg Dyke former chief executive London Weekend Television has been chosen by the Health Ministers to help draw up the new National Health service Charter. Mr Dyke, who freely admits he knows ‘jack-shit’ about the NHS, will be paid £14billion pounds a year. Despite thousands of more qualified applicants banging at the door for the job, Dyke was handed it on a silver platter with all the trimmings because, in the words of PM Tony Blair, who went off on one a bit, ‘He has spent years supporting, donating and literally arse-licking me and my party. Let me tell you – people who moisten my generally arid anus are rewarded handsomely. And I like his beard. And I think he’s cuddly.’
A recent episode of The Bill was rubbish, says a damning new Gallup survey. More than 80% of all those who watched it used ‘rubbish’ as their primary adjective for describing the show. Furthermore, these same people all believed that every single episode of the Bill to date has been ‘rubbish’ and they expected future programmes to be equally ‘rubbish’. Asked why they continue to watch it, over 60% of the respondents ‘didn’t really know... it’s just something to watch, innit?’ while 30% said they ‘feel safer when it’s on.’ The survey concludes that ‘The Bill’s audience comprises some of the most stupid human beings in the world... a set of utter dolts... total fuckwits’