· Both ITV and the BBC are planning to kill future monarch Prince William in an attempt to secure extensive television coverage of his funeral. Saturday’s coverage of "Diana: Dead In a Box!" is likely to attract upward of 40 billion people, over three times the world’s population. Gleeful TV bosses are overjoyed by her tragic demise. ‘We haven’t made this much money since 80 people were killed in a football match,’ laughed a ITN executive.
· The Sun’s editor, Titty Botlick, is considering rodgering the Queen for her refusal to pay posthumous respect to the ex-queen of all our tarts, Diana, Princess of Snails. Titty was quoted as saying that ‘the royal family is completely out of touch with the people.’ He goes on to bemoan their reticence in the face of tragedy. "What the public want are photos and yet more photos of them crying, grieving, sniffling and indulging in extra-marital, life affirming sexual shenanigans." Titty was last seen waiting for the royal entourage, camera in hand, in a tunnel near Balmoral.
· Government ministers have confirmed that their real reason for approving restrictive hand gun legislation is to enslave the people of this country, ultimately creating a fascist regime reminiscent of Hitler’s heyday. Tony Blair is currently cultivating a moustache which sources claim ‘looks dodgy... yet strangely sinister’, while John Prescott has been spotted glaring at Jewish people.
· MTV, the giant cable television network, is teaming up with Planet Hollywood to create the world’s biggest beefburger, claims The Sunday Times. 15 billion dead, minced cows are expected to contribute their lives to the venture. On completion, the burger’s size will exceed that of St Paul’s Cathedral, so even hypothetical human-sized fleas would not be able to hurdle it. Business tycoons and celebrities have all been invited to eat their way through the massive piece of compressed beef, and the spectacle will be beamed around the world so that hungry people can feel envious. All proceeds will go to MTV and Planet Hollywood.
· Saturday’s papers all feature that erupting little turd and author of scurrilous books on (yawn) Diana, Princess of whatever, Andrew Morton. The wanker. His smug bespectacled face and pseudo-sincere expression just make you want to punch his head till he lies dead in a bloody pulp, doesn’t it? You feel like chopping each of his fingers off and ripping his larynx out so he could never write or dictate another word again. Congratulations, then, to Granada who acceded to his wish for publicity by featuring him on THIS MORNING. There he just about survived the terrier-like questioning and rapier intellect of Richard and Judy, collected his fee and was chauffeured off to a celebrity bash in Soho. It’s a mean old scene.
· BSkyB’s game of monopoly was dealt a blow on Friday after referees determined that the BBC’s representative, Chesney Hawkes, had consistently cheated. Witnesses claim the ailing rocker slyly secreted a wad of £500 notes under the board for himself and ‘procured ownership of Mayfair under false pretences.’ Sky boss Trumpet Moredick, that antipodean ball of menace, has retaliated furiously, confiscating Chesney’s range of expensive hotels and banning the dubious ‘free parking = money for nothing’ rule at which Chesney had been so mysteriously lucky. Sources say the combative Aussie now has the upperhand, owning all the green, red and yellow squares, ‘though not the stations.’
ITV’s new boss David Liddeyedmoth is reeling over damning allegations about his private life. ‘He’s still reeling, has been for some time and will probably continue to reel for a bit longer,’ confirmed his Uncle, Buck. Liddeyedmoth was first aghast by newspaper revelations of his dalliances with ‘cheap’ prostitutes in recent weeks. Then a jezebel consolidated his humiliation by claiming in the Sun that his penis was ‘among the tiniest I’ve ever seen’. Finally compounding the agony, Liddeyedmoth’s wife, Suzi, has admitted that she too has been whoring her body to all and sundry for years because her handsomely paid spouse gives her ‘barely enough money to buy tampons.’ Recognising such worthy frugality, Granada have considered sacking some of its minions to make David feel better, even though he doesn’t work here anymore.
· Lanky, talentless tosser and thief, Richard Madley, has complained that his wife and professional partner Judy Finnigan is a ‘saggy old tart’. Speaking for the first time about his misery, Madley told the International Herald Tribune, ‘I would rather go to bed with a flatulent dog... no hang on, I do already.’ He goes on to bemoan her laziness (‘exercise to her means opening the fridge to look for one more pasty) and hygiene: ‘she smells like rancid fish puke...’