Kierston loved to be talked to and played with in utero. She would kick off anything that was placed on my belly, even if she had to chase it around. A few days before Kierston was born, Toby and I had noticed that she wasn't as active as she usually was. I calmed myself by saying that she was just sleeping and would be kicking me soon. Well, after about 24 hours with no movement at all I decided to call the hospital that I was planning on giving birth at. They advised me to call my DR to see if he would be sending me there.

We arrived at the hospital about an hour after that and when they hooked me up to the monitors there was nothing. I had been to the hospital a few days prior to that for early contractions so the nurse just thought that the machine was broken. But we had no luck w/the second one, at this point I was in hysterics, the nurse was running around trying to hunt down the ultrasound machine and a doctor, and Toby didn't know what to do. A few minutes after the nurse left, she returned with the ultrasound unit and two doctors. They confirmed that there was no heartbeat.They gave us the option of going home and waiting for labor to start, or to just be induced. Toby and I both decided that it would be better to be induced then to wait it out.

On Sunday, April 27, 1997, at 11:07am we said hello and good-bye to Kierston. She was born breech with the umbilical cord wrapped between her legs and around her belly twice cutting off her blood supply.

I don't think that Toby or myself will ever take any child for granted again. We thought that we were past the "danger zone" in the pregnancy and we were expecting to take our baby home. This kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen to us. Boy did all of that change. Now with my being pregnant again, Toby finds it harder to bond with the baby then I do. The way I see it is this baby may not be here tomorrow so you better do all you can today, whereas he sees it as if he doesn't get attached to the baby then it wont hurt as bad if something happens.

My immediate family (mother, father and brothers) doesn't even talk about Kierston so I guess I kind of resent them for that. Toby's family (mother, grandma, grandpa and sister) on the other hand is very wonderful about the whole thing and actually encourages me and him to talk about her. They even have a picture of Kierston up in their home. Whereas my family didn't even want to see the pictures.

There are good and bad days still, I expect that it will be like that always. But the bad days are getting easier to deal with and don't over shadow the good days anymore (for a long time I felt bad about being happy). I know that I still have a tall hurdle when her birthday comes up especially since I am going to be carrying a baby at the same gestational age as Kierston was when she passed away. Toby never really got to grieve for Kierston and I don't think that he wants to allow himself the time to grieve. Haley knows that one of her sisters in heaven, but she doesn't understand why she doesn't get to live with us. In a conversation that we had she wanted to know why "it was taking forever for the baby to get here. First it's in your belly, then it's not, then it's back in there. When does it get to come home?" I am hoping that in time she will fully understand.

Every holiday whether it be minor or not, we go and place flowers on her grave. I don't know what we will be doing for her birthday yet, but I know that we will be spending sometime with her.

Don't let people tell you that you should "be over this by now" grieve as long as you want to. Do something in honor of your child like plant a tree, donate money, start a memory book if you don't have one, or add to it if you do have one. Another thing that worked for me, is creating a web page in honor of my daughter and telling every detail of my pregnancy with her, as the weeks and months went on I added more and more to it.