Humour

WHICH WITCH IS WHICH?

  Is this the first time you have seen this many pagans together? Well,   you are in for a deflowering, young earth-worshipper, and you've  come to   the right place. However, you should realize that there are many, many  types of pagans. We old farts just had to keep making the rounds until  we either found a group that would not kick us out or we founded our own  clique. But now, progress has brought us many different flavours to choose from.

1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess  and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some  scary old  building. They think sex is GOOD not EVIL, and you want to know  where  to sign up.
Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names,  has to  think a  moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new  athame (rhymes with A-Frame).

2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one). Will tell you about the  time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it  was   Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names.  Or was it   three people with one name?
 Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very  intently, knows   dish about people you have only read about.

 3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.  Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the  planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes  and   fondle the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost  in great   detail.
Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no leather,  no  plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no  animal   tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but VERY tolerant.

4. Anal Retentive
Ceremonial  Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is  studying  Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of   "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are in Enochian.
Distinguishing Signs: Will go nowhere without a book. Is  constantly  aware of which direction is East. Dresses according to planetary   conditions or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She will have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys  allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the  magical properties of menstrual blood.
Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for   amputating a penis, are a favoured symbol and often hang  conveniently   from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes   and stops  talking.

6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they are so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -  and you  can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms . . .pant, drool . . .
Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it  outdoors.   Often destitute. All too few of them.

7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss . . . I would like to take February 2nd as a personal day ..." Has an entire chapter of their Book of Shadows concerned  with spells   for purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas,  especially if there is overtime involved. Quit being overtly  Pagan at  work since being canned by that born-again boss, but still  refuses to  say "Merry Christmas".
Distinguishing Signs: Can assume a  properly smiley work personna at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around room anxiously, looking for co-workers and their spies. Non -distinctive style of dress, no  conspicuous tattoos.

8. Childe of Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to  think. Knows  what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines   appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted  on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed  as   jewellery is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you do not know what it means they will  consider you a dweeb.
Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as an alternative  musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school  teacher  or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank  officer. Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for  elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in  helocopter  used especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If  you ask   them how it is going, they hand you a press release.
Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to autograph  and will   personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover  price. Never  seen unaccompanied by beefy, amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed   hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they do not already  know.

10. Scary Devil Worshiper
Would never be caught dead sky clad! Rarely smiles, except in a  snide,  sneering, knowing way which insinuates that you are an ignorant  peasant  worthy of contempt and conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read  The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. probably   has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they are  capable of   vast destruction.
Destinguishing Signs: Lots of black & red. Men favour goatees,  women   favour heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram  somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far, far away.

11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magickal gathering has at least one of these, along with several  variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan  LeFaye, or   somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted  by  aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about in great detail.
Distinguishing Signs: Look for an intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments   that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

12. Ravin' Pagan Young and Psychedelic.
Can dance non-stop all night long. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes  with   lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times   real  fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna. "Let us declare  nature to be legitimate. All plants should be declared legal and  all animals for that matter. The notion of illegal plants and animals is obnoxious and ridiculous." Terry McKenna.
Distinguishing Signs: Dresses in colour combinations that hurt  the eyes  unless you have taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes. Blissful smile. Never  goes anywhere without ritual drum.

13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple or are those two a couple or  are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions  could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kinds of questions seem overly judgemental, you might have a real  good time . . .
Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this  person, does every sex act you have ever experienced suddenly seem hopelessly  vanilla? If so, congratulations, you have found a Fairie.

14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage  manager, an  orchestra with a chorus and last at lest three hours? It is a  High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe,  have  more ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider  their main Pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland & Busby Berkley.
Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes.  Knows every  note to "Carmina Burana". Do not ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you have an hour to spare.

15. Fundamentapagan
If it is in a book, it must be true. If it is in an old book, it  must really be true. If it is in an old book that was handed down  from an oral traditon of people who could not read, then it must really be way  true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at circle wearing a  watch,glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes anyone  who lives   in a city, eats meat, has a regular job dare not call themselves  a   pagan.
Distinguishing Signs: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old  "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's Gaelic/old Norse/latin/babylonian.

16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and  feelings.  Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed.  Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927  models, pictures and other depictions of their spirit animal.
Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how  many  animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses  five, (including critters found on tattooes, jewelry, garments, and  undies) you have found a worshiper of beasties.

17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist - racist -  homophobic - imperialist - Eurocentric content without paying attention to  what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty - everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic, and holier-than-thou, not  just the  Xtian right. Incredingly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous  all at the   same time.
Distinguishing Signs: Beady hyper-alert little eyes  are  constantly in motion, waiting for soemone to do or say something  bad.  Has loud and attention-attracting hissy fits when confronted by such  everyday things as advertising of corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humour is  rarely activated.

18. Our Lady of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You are probably persecuting her right now.  You just don't realize it! Became a Pagan because she decided  that it  was the most persecuted religion of them all. Cannot enjoy anything  because it would be selfish to have any fun when so many are  suffering.
Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humour than   # 17. Bristles at the words "masochist" or "whining".

19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at lest three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek   jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name 90 different kinds of space ships.
Distinguishing Signs: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still  lives  with parents. Too many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other  insignia. Too smart for their own good.

20. Het-Case
Insist that they are not homophobic; they just believe that  Paganism is   about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more  obvious  than that, right? It just doesn't' "work right" if you try any other  way! Secretly terrified that gays and/or lesbians are dying to  jump  their tender hetro bones.
Distinguishing Signs: Living spaces abound   with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitalia and  huge-breasted,  doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers  (females   only - men have big bushy beards instead).

21. Norse Gods
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with  festival   organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running  around  with a huge battle axe in one hand and a full mead horn in the   other.  They throw the BEST parties, but if you are a wimp, you are  expressly  Not invited.
Distinguishing Signs: Look for large, foreboding, biker-like  persons  wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their   necks.

22. Pentacles Inc.
Pagans have disposable incomes too. Right? So how come they  aren't   buying my hand-forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces - they come  in  silver and gold and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly  button.  Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or Mastercard?
Distinguishing Signs: Has business cards featuring little  embossed  pentagrams. You have never seen so much Egyptian god/dess  jewelry on a  human being in your whole life. Rarely leaves the dealer's room  and  can't believe there are so many jewelry dealers present.

23. Monster Truck Pagan
Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own  clothes,homeschool their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are   looking forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the environmentalists as they cannot wait to run amok through the  country,worshiping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and  rutting on  the divider of every interstate.
Distinguishing Signs: Resourceful, clever and very well versed  in the US Consititution. Eats meat with visible twitches of pleasure. Is  aware   that primitive religions have nothing to do with crystals, Atlantis or   unicorns. . . . You might be a monster-truck pagan if your  anointing oil   is 30 weight. . . . You may be a monster-truck pagan if cakes  and wine   means a tailgate party. . . . You might be a monster-truck pagan  if   Autumn is Burning Time.

24. Bubba Witch
Can typically be found wandering the country roads, barefoot and  in jean  suspenders. When they pass a person in town it is always their  cousin.   Their idea of a circle chant is hooting and hollering at barn  yard   hoedowns! If they ain't makin' a ruckus in town, they're off  chasin'  coons though the woods, making more noise than thetr 13 hunting  hounds.  "Yeah, maybu ah shuld ave 12 dawgs'n'me ta make a propa cercle,  but ah  ony gots 10 fingas. How ya spect me ta count ta 13? gonna let me borra   youz fingas?"
Distinguishing Signs: Straw protruding from clothes and   hair like  additional appendages. We won't even ask what they were doing in  the   hayloft to get all messy like that! Their pick-up truck gas caps  are  replaced with a nifty black cloth with a white pentacle on it, or is  that a white hood with a black pentacle? In any case, they are  never  without baccy stained gums - the teeth fell out long ago. They always   have at least one spit cup on their person. . . . You might be a    Bubba  Witch if you use rebel flags as altar cloths  . . . You might be a Bubba Witch if you dismiss the elements by  saying  "Y'all come back now, ya heah!" . . .. . . You might be a Bubba Witch if   you use a broken washing machine as an altar!