I’LL HAVE AN EGG ROLL, CHICKEN BALLS, FRIED RICE, AND A PAIR OF DEPENDS: Guelph city council recently passed a new law that gives police the right to fine those caught going number one or two on downtown streets. The police praised the law, saying it would better enable them to keep the peace downtown.

This reaction sheds an unfortunate light on the priorities of Guelph’s most heavily armed. It would seem their most vicious adversaries are drunks with their pants down and skateboarders. I’m downtown everyday and those adorable skateboarders are about as menacing as a teletubbies – round faced, rolling about, falling all over the place. Uh-oh!

With the approval of big-boxes in Guelph, downtown will likely experience a decrease in shoppers and an increase in drunk guys with their pants around their knees.

Does this new law mean President Rozanski and the flip-flopping members of city council who supported the big-box proposals can be fined for the crap they just took all over downtown?

I’ve been following some of the debates about the big-boxes in the letters sections of the Guelph Mercury and the Tribune and opinions have varied from the angry to the surreal.

Following the decision, the cover of the Guelph Mercury proclaimed that Guelphites widely supported the big-box stores. They came to this conclusion after one afternoon polling opinions at the Stone Road Mall (keep your eye out for more journalistic coups from the Merc like "GUELPH DRUNKS AGREE: BOOZE "ISH FANTASHTIC SHTUFF.")

One mall patron said they thought the new Zellers and Canadian Tire on university property would be great because then tuition could go down. The part the Marc didn’t print was that this person went on to say the village princess was in no danger from the purple dragon if she wore the magic amulet of Zoup-Zoup.

Another delirious individual said that it would create more jobs so their kids could pay off their student loans.

Conversely, one couple, in a letter to the Trib, demanded that their names be removed from the University’s alumni list because they were so ashamed of the Presidents actions.

May I suggest that if these stores want to quell the tide of community opposition they should promise to reflect this community.

In the Wal-Mart catalogues, instead of just the persons name and store department beside their pic, they should include some stats. Barb Colling, Gardening, M Sc, $35,567 in loans to go.

Or how about some support for Guelph’s musicians: "Good afternoon Wal-Mart shoppers. That last track by Jim Guthrie was called Repression’s’ Waltz. So why not waltz on over to aisle three and check out our sweat shop specials."

Interestingly, the crux of the debate over the big-boxes seems to be what makes Guelph great. Those who oppose the big-boxes call it the end of Guelph’s distinctiveness. Those in support extol the virtues of the free market and look forward to halving the distance to the nearest Wal-Mart from twenty minutes to ten.

But the malls and big-boxes have never been about community. Anyone who has ever tried to poster for an event at the mall can tell you the word’s mall and community don’t go together. I postered there once and I can tell you the word commallunity doesn’t make any sense.

THE RED IS FOR FEAR: Speaking of those in opposition to the community, how about those Guelph Socialists.

These people have seemingly usurped and monopolized all dialogue about the corporate agenda, anti-oppression, and activism on this campus.

The Socialist’s largest mouthpieces Tom Keefer and Andrew Thompson, the Mickey Mouse™ and Goofy™ of political activism, regularly shoot their load onto the pages of the Peak, filling it with their dull and inaccessible articles about the "Revolution." Tragically, it seems they’ve successfully created the illusion that activism begins and ends with the Guelph Socialists.

The group sits on the second floor of the University Centre like guerillas, fully loaded with two-syllable bullets like ‘sexist’ or ‘racist.’ Fingers perpetually pointed in every direction but at themselves they have no room in their Revolution for compromise. Compromise is for the weak.

For too long the GS has used fear as a weapon. Now it’s time those concerned about eradicating ignorance with education and understanding, and not self-righteous disdain, fought back.

Everyone ever involved with student government, student media, anti-oppression education, or activism can tell you stories of the GS and how they took over their meeting/workshop/protest/organization. It’s time those stories were documented and posted for everyone to access.

So if you’ve ever had a brush with the GS, or know someone how has, write it down and send your story to FtheGS@hotmail.com. This is open to students, community members, faculty and alumni. If you don’t want your name published with the letter then say so.

This is not a joke-this is long over due. I’ll be posting the letters on my site at www.oocities.org/Athens/Rhodes/6368.

Oh, and my pic is on the site, so if the GS wants to make posters of me with the words IMPERIALIST SCUM underneath, go ahead (it’s an OK picture so to any guys out there, if you like what you see write me).

Also, if you’re writing just to say "they are bunch of commie freaks" – don’t bother (unless your writing to say "they’re a bunch of commie freaks and I think you’re cute.")