THE STROKE OF TWELVE
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Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her morning coffee.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

A MOTHER'S ADVICE ___________________________

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

Planning Ahead
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A woman walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "Is it true that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to half of my husband's possessions?" "In most cases," answers the lawyer, "it is true. Are you getting a divorce?" "Not yet," the woman replies. "First, I've got to get married."

THE MAGIC TOUCH
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A caravan of gypsies arrived in a small town in Kansas. A local lady heard about this band of mystics and decided to see if a particular miracle worker tagged along with them. Asking around for this healer, she found herself inside a tent. "Are You Bernardo the Miracle Man?" she asked the old man.

"Yes, I am," he replied, pleased to find someone interested in his services.

"Is it true that you clasped the ears of a deaf man and gave him the ability to hear?"

"Yes, it is true," said Bernardo.

"Is it true that you brushed your fingers against the eyelids of a blind man and gave him the ability to see?"

"Yes, that is also true," said Bernardo. At this point she went outside of the tent and rolled in her husband who sat in a wheelchair looking lifeless. "Well then, do you think you could help my husband?"

"I can try," Bernardo said. "Is he paralyzed?"

"Even worse," she replied. "He works for the phone company."

Your Sign

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

'Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so based on the position of the moon and the....

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?