"As far back as Yossarian could recall, he explained to Clevinger with a patient smile, somebody was always hatching aplot to kill him. There were people who cared for him and people who didn't, and those who hated him were out to get him. They hated him because he was Assyrian. But they couldn't touch him, he told Clevinger, because he had a sound mind in a pure body and was as strong as an ox. They couldn't touch him because he was Tarzan, Mandrake, Flash Gordon. He was Bill Shakespeare. He was Cain, Ulysses, the Flying Dutchman; he was Lot in Sodom, Deirdre of the Sorrows, Sweeney in the nightingales among trees. He was miracle ingredient Z-247. He was -
Crazy!" Clevinger interrupted, shrieking. "That's what you are! Crazy!"
"immense. I'm a real slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide Supraman."
"Superman?" Clevinger cried. "Superman?"
aman," Yossarian corrected."
-Catch-22
Thank God you’re here. I’ve been hallucinating. A little while ago I thought the Care Bears were here.
- Tom Hanks in “Money Pit”
Football is a mistake. It combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
- George Will
There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me - I always feel that they have not said enough.
- Mark Twain
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
-J. Edgar Hoover
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the ocean searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more, so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure.
-Michael Scriven
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"
-Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland
Several errant electrons jumped when they shouldn't have at a place they shouldn't have, resulting in what shouldn't have. In short, a short.
-Bloom County
"I admit I can't make him out,"resumed Barker, abstractedly; "He never opens his mouth without saying something so indescribably half-witted that to call him a fool seems the very feeblest attempt at characterisation. But there's another thing about him that's rather funny. Do you know that he has the one collection of Japanese lacquer in Europe? Have you ever seen his books? All Greek poets and mediaeval French and that sort of thing. Have you ever been in his rooms? It's like being inside an amethyst. And he moves about in all that and talks like - like a turnip."
- G.K. Chesterton
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they are going to be when you kill them.
- William Clayton
I didn’t sleep well. I made several mistakes.
- Steven Wright
Individually, men may present a more or less rational appearance, eating, sleeping, and scheming. But humanity as a whole is changeful, mystical, fickle, delightful. Men are men, but Man is a woman.
- G.K. Chesterton
The helpless cough of a squirrel with a smashed face: That's what life is about.
- Mystery Science Theater 3000
"For children and the sick and the insane have many opinions which no sensible man would discuss...."
- Aristotle
Personally, I've never liked communists because they operate on the theory that human beings are nice people.
- H. Allen Smith
Oh! If that is all, I have a very poor opinion of young men who live in Derbyshire; and their intimate friends who live in Hertfordshire are not much better. I am sick of them all. Thank Heaven! I am going tomorrow where I shall find a man who has not one agreeable quality, who has neither manner nor sense to recommend him. Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing.
-Pride and Prejudice
I was on my way to a party when three men in silvery jumpsuits and impenetrable helmets surrouned me, drugged me, and kidnapped me.
-Startdust and Shadows