HELLO AND GOODBYE- HELPING YOUR CHILD WITH SEPARATION Amy Gilman Every young child has different ways of dealing with separation and reunion transitions. Most have a hard time saying good-bye to parents in the first days of daycare. You are the most important people in your child's life, and it may take a few days before he understands that everything will be fine without you. Another child may cheerfully wave goodbye to you without a backward glance, but then become uncooperative and anxious when you return. This child has worked very hard at keeping everything together during the day, and your return signals that it is safe to fall apart a bit. He will likely be tired, and maybe a little angry at being left in the morning. Another child may show no difficulties with these transition times, but may temporarily be disruptive at home, test limits, or show younger behaviors like wanting a bottle or waking during the night. Even after the child has grown attached to a new childcare provider and learned to separate easily, he may have trouble during stressful times, such as after the birth of a sibling or when a parent is away from home. All of these behaviors are completely normal and expected. Together, we will find ways to help your child with these transitions. Children are not the only ones who need to adjust to separation. It can be very hard for you to leave your child. You may be worried about how she will do during the day, particularly after a difficult morning start. You may have questions about routines that may differ from the ones you use at home. You may have mixed feelings about going back to work or spending time away from your child. Again, all these feelings are common and part of parenting. The first step in welcoming a new child to my daycare is for you to come visit with your child for a while. During this visit, your child can begin to explore the space, become familiar with me, and meet the other children. Your presence will show your child that this is a place for him to feel safe, and you will probably see him venture off your lap very quickly. It will be helpful to see how the other children manage saying goodbye, and how I comfort any that are having trouble. It will be helpful for you to see how quickly children start to enjoy themselves once the goodbye is over, too! When your child starts daycare, there are several things we can do to help with morning separations. Since children handle things better if they have had some advance warning, remind your child that he will be going to Amy's House to play, that Mom and Dad will be at work (or the Library, or shopping, or working at home), and they will come back to take him home after lunch. If your child has a favorite stuffed animal or blanket, bringing it may give some added security. You could give your child something of yours, like a scarf, to wear during the day. When you arrive, spending just a few minutes helping your child get involved with a toy or activity will help her get comfortable. Most children and parents find that a short regular routine for saying goodbye works best. The child knows what to expect, and an established pattern starts the day off smoothly. Perhaps you can search for the favorite little car, or pick out a book for storytime. Once you give your hug and kiss, I will be there to support your child as you leave. I suggest that you try not to come back for another goodbye if you hear him crying as you leave. Once he knows that you have really said goodbye, he will be able to let himself be calmed and cuddled. I am very comfortable helping families through this, and have rarely seen a child be unhappy for more than 10 minutes. Please feel free to call me after 15 minutes or so to check on how your child is doing. Although I will have to keep the conversation very short, I will be happy to let you know how he is doing. When you pick up your child, routines can again help smooth the transition. Some children will resist parents at this time, and a familiar pattern can give them the opportunity to adjust. The feelings of excitement and relief may overwhelm some children, causing them to act up. As with the morning transition, giving some clear and consistant expectations will help everyone. Perhaps a showing of the mornings artwork, a jacket flip, and then a wave to everyone on the way to the door. I will be there to offer help and assist your child in getting his things together and saying goodbye. I will briefly tell you about his day, and you should be sure to pick up the Daily Flash sheet for more details. Lengthy conversations are best done over the telephone, so that you can focus on your child at pickup. These hello and goodbye transitions can be stressful, but they are also ways for children to grow in their capabilities and understanding. Adjusting to new situations, trusting a new caregiver, learning to say goodbye, and dealing with the intense excitement of reunion are all steps in growing.