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You know it's time to join E-Mail Anonymous when...

You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
You laugh at people with 28.8 baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
If you have a working knowledge of more than 20 variations on the smiley, and keep a reference sheet for others.
If you go to chat-rooms just to get more addresses to send more e-mail.
If you learn about your divorce from a friend, via e-mail.
If you contemplate changing to a job because it offers e-mail at your desk.
If you can't take your vacation until you get a laptop, so you can check your e-mail.

Is your computer male or female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Cybersex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.

Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ....thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: logged off

Eleven Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who don't have it would like to try it.....a phenomenon called Email Envy.
It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
If you play with it too much, you go blind.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try
to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

New Viruses To Watch Out For

1. Ellen Degeneres virus	Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
2. Monica Lewinsky virus	Sucks all the memory out of your computer
3. Titanic virus	Makes your whole computer go down
4. Disney virus	Everything in the computer goes Goofy
5. Mike Tyson virus	Quits after one byte
6. Prozac virus	Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
7. Sharon Stone virus	Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
8. Lorena Bobbit virus	Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
9.Tim Allen virus	Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
10. Woody Allen virus	Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
11. Saddam Hussein virus	Won't let you into any of your programs
12.Tonya Harding virus	Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
13. George Michaels virus	Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
14. Joey Buttafuoco virus	Only attacks minor files
15. X-files virus	All your Icons start shape-shifting
16. Spice Girl virus	Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
17. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus	Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
18. Sony Bono virus	Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
19. Martha Stewart virus	Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
20. Oprah Winfrey virus	Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,and then slowly expands to 300MB
21. AT&T virus	Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
22. MCI virus	Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
23. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus	Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
24. Viagra virus	Turns your floppy drive into a hard drive

WordPerfect Helpline

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.
Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

--Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?
--Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
--What sort of trouble?
--Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
--Went away?
--They disappeared.
--Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
--Nothing.
--Nothing?
--It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
--Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
--How do I tell?
--Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
--What's a sea-prompt?
--Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
--There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
--Does your monitor have a power indicator?
--What's a monitor?
--It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
--I don't know.
--Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
--Yes, I think so.
--Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
--.......Yes, it is.
--When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
--No.
--Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
--....... Okay, here it is.
--Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
--I can't reach.
--Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
--No.
--Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
--Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.
--Dark?
--Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
--Well, turn on the office light then.
--I can't.
--No? Why not?
--Because there's a power outage.
--A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
--Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
--Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
--Really? Is it that bad?
--Yes, I'm afraid it is.
--Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
--Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

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This page was updated June 17, 1999 by Inna Portnova, inna@uclink4.berkeley.edu