Lawyer Jokes

While some of these may be in poor taste, for one reason or another I find them amusing and therefore offer them here for your enjoyment! Please, any of you who are lawyers, future lawyers, or feel any affiliation to law, take no offense. I mean no harm or disrespect, especially since there is a great chance that I too will be a lawyer one day...

An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Court Records

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide:

  1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
  2. Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
  3. Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q. And did he kill you?
  4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
  5. The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
  6. Were you alone or by yourself?
  7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
  8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
  9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    A: That’s me.
    Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
  10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
  11. Q: Mrs. Johnson how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
  12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
    Q: Apparantly then, the date of conception was August 8?
    A: Yes
    Q: What were you doing at that time?
  13. Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?
  14. So you were gone until you returned?
  15. Q: She had three children right?
    A: Yes
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None
    Q: Were there any girls?
  16. You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
  17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
  18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
    A: The autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
    Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?

Lawyer Bowling

A truck driver had a habit of running over attorneys whenever he would see one walking along the road. One day he saw a priest whose car had broken down and needed a lift.

He decided to do a good turn and pick up the priest. He asked the priest, "Where are you headed, Father?"

The priest replied, "I would like to go about another five miles to the church."

"No problem, Father! I would be happy to give you a lift, hop on in the truck."

Just after picking up the priest, the trucker saw a lawyer walking along the road. He immediately started to swerve over to hit him. At the last second, he remembered the priest was with him, so he swerved back, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUMP! He turned to the priest and asked him what happened.

The priest replied, "I could see you were going to miss him, so I got him with the door."

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E-mail Me This page was updated September 2, 1998 by Inna Portnova.
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