Microsoft Jokes

Microsft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry to the car industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
  7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need or want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Dinner With God . . .

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them, "I need three important people to send my message out to all the people that, tomorrow I will destroy the earth."

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad news items for you. One, God really exists and two, tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news. One, The GOOD news is that God really does exist and two, The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced, "I have two fantastic announcements. One, I am one of the three most important people on earth and two, the year 2000 problem is solved."

The Choice Between Heaven and Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what’s the difference between the two?"

God said, "I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I’ll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "let’s try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine" said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How’s everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"That was the demo," replied God.

In Heaven

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.
They are standing before God, seated on his throne.
God asks Al: "What do you believe?"
Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"
Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK, Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."
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This page was updated August 23, 1998 by Inna Portnova, inna@uclink4.berkeley.edu