Miscellaneous

You know you live in SF when...

• Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings, and none are visible.
• When someone says TENDERLOIN — you don’t think steak, you think "danger."
• You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live.
• You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
• You keep a list of companies to boycott.
• You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
• You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
• You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California state flags.
• The guy who cuts your hair is straight, your plumber is gay,
• The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.
• You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from the Midwest.
• You can’t remember... is pot still illegal?
• You go to your office manager’s baby shower - the parent’s are named Judy and Becky.
• You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "FREE TIBET" bumper sticker, and you mean it.
• A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
• You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV — the guys are much hotter!
• You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.
• A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t notice.
• You still can’t believe a company doesn’t offer domestic partner benefits.
• When you drive under an underpass- for one moment you think "earthquake".
• Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"... nude.
• Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named "Breeze".
• You haven’t been to Fisherman’s Wharf since the first month you moved to the bay.
• You are thinking of taking an adult ed class, but you can’t decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.
• Your new neighbor goes to temple- but you are still not sure if they are Jewish or Buddhist.
• You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Georgia.

A Special Bar

"This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says.

"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar".

"Why is that?", the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.

He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.

"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.

"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30... 40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

Which condom would you use...

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new enviroment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want to call the plumber. I was embarrasseed.

I tried to slow down the decompositiong by freezing them. Unfortunatly, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inabilitly to dispose of my monkeys and to us the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

How Shit Happens…

Top 12 Things Not To Say To A Cop

Primate Committee Thinking Experiment

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.

To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.

The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

Family Feud

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on that Wonderful quiz show Family Feud.