author's note: 
	I in no way justify or excuse suicide.  Suicide is wrong and
extremely uncool, it is the lowest form of self-pity and gets you no where.  
This piece is not sponsoring suicide.  The protagonist needs help and so do 
all people who consider suicide a way out.  It is NOT a way out, only coward
and *very* disturbed people commit suicide.  You don't wanna be categorized
that way do ya?		 				



copyrighted to Aria(crune@coqui.net) 1998



feedback wanted 



To Drown
by Aria(crune@coqui.net)




	I remember as if it were yesterday...a drowning feeling...sinking...

trying to hold on, but infinitely lost in a sea of hopelessness.  In my 

hands all I could hold on to was the smooth bottle of the pills.  I did not

know or care what they were.  I put as many pills as I could in my mouth 

desperately trying to end the storm, the whirlwind of confusion and 

hopelessness that tore at me violently from the inside.  It was not a 

moment to meditate, or to ponder, I had to do this fast. I have to do this, 

I kept repeating to myself.  At the time I did not notice that this was about

proving to myself I could do it.  I swallowed the pills.  In my momentary 

madness I wanted them to act quickly-- so that I could fade away fast and 

not realize what I was doing.

	But something went wrong.
	
	After I passed out, my mother came home early.  She flew instantly 

in action after seeing the crumpled body of her daughter in front of the 

bathroom sink, hands clutching a bottle of Valium.
	
	Paramedics came and worked hard to save my life-- harder than I 

worked to take it and I came to, dazed and confused beside a weeping mother.  

I spent some time in the hospital-- a lot of psychiatric help later I left to

 go back home, where people whispered about 'the poor suicidal girl'.  

I wandered about, studied for school, got a job...became normal.
	
	I don't know why I tried to take my life that September afternoon.  

I can only phantom bits and pieces.

	But sometimes, late at night I wake up from this dream where I'm 

drowning... sinking...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End

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