The following was a topic of discussion on the Midnight Club mailing list. The topic was "Pike Books in a minute". I.E. summarizing the book so it can be "read" in a minute. The idea is to be humourous, not serious. :) I thought some of these were very creative.. so I decided to post them on this page. Please be warned though, these could spoil the book for you if you haven't read it. So read at your own risk. Enjoy!
(btw, I am not mocking Pike's book in anyway... it's just for fun)
ILONKA: I hope I don't have cancer, I hope I don't have cancer, I hope I don't have cancer...
DR. WHITE: You have cancer.
(Responding to an AD in a hospice concerning Morphine Addicts Anonymous, some PATIENTS gather in the study.)
SPENCE: Hey, we're all going to die anyway. I know! Let's tell stories. We could call ourselves The Midnight Club.
SANDRA: My story is about the first time I had SEX. One time, I had SEX with a TOTAL STRANGER. That's my story about the first time I had SEX.
(One patient finds out she really isn't sick. The rest die off, except for one.)
ILONKA: Yay! I lasted the longest. In your face!
(ILONKA dies.)
Submitted by Scott Broughton (sabrough@gloria.cord.edu)
(this one might be longer than a minute...and a little out of order)
EVIL VOICE: Come to MARS so we can suck your blood.
DR. LAUREN WAGNER: Hehe! I'm going to MARS. OK, Captain Wheeler, cough please.
JENNIFER WAGNER: Please don't go to MARS. It's a BAD PLACE.
(Some astronauts fly to MARS with LAZERS, almost crash, and then find a ZOMBIE.)
CAPT. GARY WHEELER: Are we there yet?
(IVAN smiles.)
KRATINE: Just a pin... I mean, a piece of your dry, arid desert is all we want. We promise not to attack you like the last time. I know, let's exchange species!
CHANEEN: I don't know...
JANIER: Can we kill 'em, can we kill 'em?
COL. WILLIAM BRENT: If I'm not back in five minutes--and that is, if I'm not an alien trying to fool you--get the hell out of here.
(JANIER makes SHISH-KA-BOBS out of the Asurians, then gets CAPTURED.)
KRATINE: OK, renounce all protection from anyone who has any chance of saving you, or this probably already dead husband of yours gets it.
JANIER: Fine, kill him. Whatever.
JIM RANOTH: One time, I was in the mountains, and I got lost, and then I found this floating guy in a cave, and then he gave me this ring, and then I thought I was having an acid flashback from the 60's, except I still had the ring. Cool story, huh?
(Lauren and Gary ESCAPE, but not before they become MARTIANS. Then they make WEIRD NOISES in a spaceship.)
KATHY: Last night Gary came to my place, and I did weird stuff to the door, and then I came, and it was gross.
LAUREN: Yummy!
TERRY: My fiancee's a vampire!
JENNIFER: This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.
(All the BAD PEOPLE die, except Gary, who goes off to join the CIRCUS.)
THE END.
Sumbitted by LdyBugg256@aol.com
(MARK meets BECKY)
MARK: I wrote that computer game.
BECKY: Guess my middle name!
MARK: Will you go out with me?
BECKY: Sorry, I can't, I have a boyfriend, and although he is rude, overbearing, conceited, and a cheating pig while you are nice, wonderful, and are crazy about me, I must stay with him forever and ever and ever.
(MARK meets KARA and VINCENT)
KARA: I have only known you for 5 seconds, Mark, but I am going to meddle in your love life! I'm going to break up Becky and her boyfriend!
VINCENT: I am going to quietly sit and observe.
(KARA meddles. Then she tells MARK a very strange story.)
KARA: Guess what MY middle name is?? It's BECKY!! That's right, I'm Becky from the future, and Vincent is YOU from the future, only not the same future I'M from, a more FUTURE-Y future!
(Things happen. BECKY is killed.)
MARK: Oh no, now the whole universe is out of whack! I think I'm going to go to a cave and die!
THE END
Sumbitted by Roba Assi (roba_assi_@hotmail.com)
Hannah & Mary: we didnt kill anyone
Cop 1 (Sharp): i dont trust hannah
Cop 2 (Reals?): i think they killed Dick, and then they killed Charlie to fake that he ran away after he killed Dick.
Cop 1: We cant keep the two girlies, we aint got enough proof.
Mary: when i saw charlie, i figured out what you did. i'm not so thick you know. you never gave dickie blanks, and you killed them both. then when you threw my charlie in tht well, you didnt know that it lead out to air. So now you die!
(BOOM BOOM BOOM. mary shoots hannah in the barn, and then takes unconscious charlie to her house where she puts him in her bedroom)
IN MARYS HOUSE: Mary: what the hell? i thought i killed you!
Hannah: youre thick after all. the gun had blanks. anyway, give me charlie or you die. i have a gun, you dont.
BELL RINGS. COP 1 AND COP 2 ARE OUTSIDE.
cop 1: we're lookin for charlie, some kid sayed she saw him.
CHARLIE WALKS DOWN STAIRS
hannah: no one move or i'll shoot.
mary:no hannah. you kill me.
hannah: i cant kill you, you know i love you.
cop 1: you mean that you did all this for marys love?
cop 2: youre lesbo?
mary: let me kiss you good bye.
Sumbitted by Silver1917@aol.com
Sati: Can I have a ride?
Michael: Okay. Where do you want to go?
Sati: Your place. You're my new friend.
(At Michael's)
Sati: I am God. I am going to have meetings at your place. Want a cookie?
Michael: Okay.
Reverend Green: I don't want a cookie. You're not God.
Sati: Knife me.
Reverend Green: I can't do it. Bye.
Sati: I've been poisened
Michael: Uh-oh.
(Sati dies. Michael and David bury her)
Michael: You killed her you bastard.
David: Oops.
(at the beach)
Michael: Hey Reverend Green, you want to open a really successful cookie shop?
Reverend Green: Okay. We'll call it The Cookie and make a lot of money.
THE END
Sumbitted by RYA556@aol.com
ANN: i'm beautiful, rich, on my own and in keeping with the stereotype, i'm a two faced bitch who actually hates my best friend..... if only i'd made it on the young and restless cast....
PAUL: but you can't kill sharon, she loves you.. ok, no arguing with you, but what if you die and i suddenly dont' have anyone to share your amazing wealth with while i'm in mexico.......
SHARON: i love you ann, your so beautiful and rich and you give me things and i'm so dense i can't see how you truly hate me.....
CHAD: let's all go mountain climbing
OFFICER: sharon how dare you push your best friend off the cliff!
JOHNNY: sharon, i'll be your lawyer as long as you can overlook the fact that i will occasionally feel you up and leer at you obscenely, by the way i'm your only hope
SHARON: yay i'm acquitted.. what do you mean ann set me up, hated me and died in the process? chad, i'm so upset, you wanna hook up?
CHAD: let's go mountain climbing
OFFICER: sharon how dare you push your boy friend off the cliff!
SHARON: why did i attract people with homicidal tendencies?.. does this mean i have to sleep with my lawyer now?
Sumbitted by Slim marsdweller@yahoo.com
YAKSHA: I'm the original vampire, born through some crazy-ass Satanic ritual. I think you're hot, so I'm going to make you a vampire too.
SITA: I'd rather you didn't.
(YAKSHA makes SITA into a vampire. 5000 years later ...)
SITA: I'm the last vampire left on Earth. I have amazing powers, and I can whup some major ass, you better believe it. I lead a very quiet life.
(Then one day Sita decides to: break her VOW to God, kill YAKSHA, destroy a new wave of VAMPIRES, break her VOW to God AGAIN, infiltrate a secret GOVERNMENT BASE and NUKE it, turn HUMAN, give birth to an AVATAR of DEATH and DESTRUCTION, fight a race of REPTILIAN space demons, save the REINCARNATION of CHRIST, break her VOW to God YET AGAIN, go back in TIME to battle an EVIL LORD, and then go back in TIME again to stop the birth of YAKSHA and her own VAMPIRE existence.)
SEYMOUR: I made it all up.