Batgirl's Angels

by Randy Farb

Desmond Doomsday: "Hollywood, California: Home of sunshine, movie stars and . . . kickboxing?"

Batgirl leads Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu in kicking exercises.

Batgirl: "Okay, ladies. That's enough for today. Let's take a rest."

Cameron: "We really appreciate your help in teaching us advanced kickboxing, Batgirl."

Batgirl: "You're welcome, but I really appreciate the generous contribution you all made to the Gotham City Salvation Army's Tree of Lights campaign."

Lucy: "Glad to do it. With the success of the movie, we thought it was important that we refined our real-life martial arts techniques . . . not only for public appearances, but for self-defense."

Drew: (under her breath) "Not to mention a possible sequel."

Cameron: "Yeah, it's great, learning the moves from a real female detective."

Batgirl: "The pleasure is all mine, ladies. Now you'd better hit the showers. I'll use the private one. Must keep my identity a secret, you know."

Batgirl departs.

Cameron: "I wonder what she looks like under that mask."

Drew: "Everyone does. But keeping her identity secret is what keeps her safe."

Lucy: "Well, all I know is that I'd hate to have to take on somebody like Candy Kane."

Drew and Cameron: "Who?"

Lucy: "She is a distant cousin of mine, who felt exploited by Americans. She joined forces with first The Penguin and then Rudolph to get her revenge. Batgirl tangled with her once and put her away."

The girls enter the shower room. When they turn on the faucets, gas instead of water gushes out. As the girls faint, a voice says, "Oh, but I have returned, Angel. Ha, ha, ha."

Candy, dressed like Lucy, knocks on Batgirl's dressing room door.

Batgirl: "Who is it?"

Candy: "It's me, Lucy. I forgot to give you a gift."

Batgirl: "But I don't need a gift."

Candy: "Oh, but this is a special skin moisturizer. It's an ancient Oriental secret recipe in powder form. Won't you please accept it?"

Batgirl opens the door and Candy Kane blows the powder into Batgirl's face. Batgirl falls, and as she does, Candy says, "Go to sleep, my do-gooder friend."

When Batgirl wakes up, she finds herself in a huge mixing bowl, tied to a blender with steel spaghetti straps.

Candy: "Ah, you have awakened. Welcome to the Spaghetti Factory, Batgirl. Tonight, you will become the main course: Batgirl Marinara!

"First, the blender will spin you around until you'll be too dizzy to try and escape. Then, ever so slowly, you will be drowned in boiling Marinara sauce."

Batgirl: "But Lucy, why? What is the reason? Wait . . . you're not Lucy!"

Candy: "Correct, my dear dominoed detective. Remember me? I am Candy Kane. You think that all of us Asians look alike, don't you? With the help of my cousins, Snow Blossom and Suzi Snowflake, I escaped from prison . . . and now I am going to get my revenge on you!"

Batgirl: "But why spaghetti?"

Candy: "You really are prejudiced, aren't you? My ancestors ate spaghetti long before Marco Polo brought it to Italy . . . but enough talk, my dear. The time has come."

In the room next door, Cameron and Drew are lying on the ground with their feet tied. Cameron is on the right and Drew is on the left. A thug with an axe is standing between them. Behind the thug, tied to a pole, is Lucy.

The thug is Leo, a tall, rough looking man.

Leo: "Charlie's Angels, eh? Huh! Either Catwoman and Candy Kane could whip any one of you with one hand tied behind her back!"

Drew: "Catwoman?"

Leo: "Yeah. I worked for her a few years back. She double-crossed me, but Ms. Kane isn't like that. She's a boss a guy can count on."

Lucy: "You think you're tough, don't you?"

Leo: "What do you mean?"

Lucy: "Are you afraid of two little girls? Silly Hollywood girls, with their expensive boots?"

Cameron: (softly) "That's the code word."

Leo: "Huh?"

Drew tries to kick Leo, but misses his jaw.

Leo: "Don't try that again!"

A tiny arrow hits Leo's neck. As he slouches, Drew and Cameron kick him in the face. As he pitches forward, so does his axe, cutting the ropes tied to their feet. Drew rolls towards the axe and rubs against it, freeing her arms. She frees Cameron and heads towards Lucy. A voice cries out: Wait!"

The girls turn towards this woman and ask, "Who are you?"

Dream: "I am Agent Dream Sickle. I have been trailing Candy Kane since she escaped from prison. Lucy is tied to an electric pole. Any attempt to free her will electrocute both her and her rescuer."

Cameron: "What can we do?"

Dream: "We have to cut the power somehow."

Drew: (pointing) "There's the power cord. All we need are some wire cutters. Cameron, do you have any cuticle scissors in your purse?"

Cameron: "I think so. Are you sure about this?"

Drew: "I learned electronics from a gaffer I used to date. Hold still, Lucy."

A fizzle of sparks, then Lucy is free.

Cameron: "Lucy, are you all right?"

Lucy: "I'm fine."

Dream: "You ladies are very resourceful, but I don't understand the boots reference."

The three actresses giggle.

Cameron: "Should we tell her? or let the detective figure it out herself?"

Drew: "We don't have time for games, Cameron. Batgirl may need our help. Anyway, to prepare for our roles, we studied old episodes of Get Christy Love. It seemed that every time she kicked somebody, she had on go-go boots. So, while we were practicing kickboxing, we would shout out, 'Boots!'

"Now - where's Batgirl?"

Dream: "I suspect she's in there."

Sickle points to a door with a glass window at the top. The foursome squeeze together to look through.

Drew: "She's trapped in a huge mixing bowl!"

Cameron: "Wow! The way she's spinning, she'll never be able to see straight!"

Lucy: "Hey, I have a plan. They don't know we're free. We'll barge into the next room, take out the crooks and free Batgirl. I'll take Candy. I have fought her before, when we were little girls. Cameron, you and Drew take on the others. Dream can take out the thug next to the controls."

Dream: "Are you sure about this? After all, this isn't a movie, you know."

Drew: "We trained for weeks and did some of our own stunts. Since then, Batgirl has taught us a lot. Besides, we have the element of surprise on our side."

Cameron: "Let's do it!"

Batgirl is spinning around faster. The sauce is coming to a boil, rising ever so slowly, when-

CRASH!

Lucy charges in and tackles Candy, her head butting into Candy's stomach. Candy is winded. As the villainess tries to get up, Lucy side kicks her to sleep.

Lucy: "So sorry, cousin."

Cameron and Drew, in what seems like a choreographed sequence, simultaneously stomach-throw Snow Blossom and Suzi Snowflake against the wall.

Dream Sickle tries to chop the henchman's shoulder, but he ducks and tosses her aside. He picks up a knife and throws it at her, but she ducks.

Dream: "Sorry, buster. No slice of Dream Sickle pie today."

She does a flying snap kick, connecting with his chin. His feet fall from under him and he hits the floor, face down.

Dream: "Cool it, chum."

She takes out a freeze gun and sprays him with ice.

Lucy: "Where did you get that?"

Dream: "From Mr. Freeze when I infiltrated his gang.
Come on, Drew. Batgirl needs your help. I'll take care of them."

Sickle walks over to Suzi Snowflake and Snow Blossom and freezes them.

Drew finds the off switch and pushes it just as the sauce covers the brim. Cameron and Drew pull Batgirl out of harm's way in the nick of time.

Batgirl, dizzy as can be, sits down.

Dream: "Just rest, honey. You'll be dizzy for a while. Nice work, ladies."

But Dream has forgotten to put Candy on ice. As the girls watch over the dazed Batgirl, Kane creeps through the door.

Lucy: "Candy! She's getting away!"

Dream: "Stop her!"

It is too late. Candy Kane has escaped . . . to re-appear another Christmas season???

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