Al Hirt’s trumpet starts up -

Cures the Uncommon Criminal Ring

Robin is struggling as the fuses burn down on the dynamite in each hand. A huge cake sits smashed in his lap. His chair is poised at the edge of a long and steep ramp that leads down to a large deserted parking lot.

WIZARD: Try not to get any frosting on the parking stripes, Robin. (into zombie microphone) Now…. down the ramp with him!

DAKA: Wait!

WIZARD: “Wait?!” He’s holding dynamite!

Daka calmly begins limping over to the Boy Wonder, who looks back and forth in panic between the peg-legged doctor and the sticks of dynamite. Just as the fuses are reaching the dynamite, Daka comes up beside Robin and places a prosthetic candle-snuffer hand over each stick. Robin sighs in relief and twin tufts of smoke drift up from the extinguished dynamite.

DAKA: Point number one: A dead Robin will be difficult to sue. Point number two: A live, zombie Robin will hand over all of his funds and I will have no need to pay an attorney. Point number three: A zombie Robin will be a powerful weapon in the Emperor’s war against the forces of Western aggression. Point number four (grabs microphone from Wizard) This is my microphone. In the future, do not play with it. (into microphone) Mr. Threedy. Escort our guest to the zombie chair.

Threedy wheels Robin into a small back room and over to the iron chair with the large hood suspended just above it.

DAKA (entering the room behind them): Well, it seems you are still too young to sit in the adult’s chair, Robin. Do not fear. The zombie hood and wiring can be attached up to any chair. Allow me to demonstrate.

Robin is once again straining against his bonds as the diving-bell-like hood of the machine is slowly lowered over his head.

Batgirl and the Green Hornet are shining little flashlights to illuminate the log books they’re searching through.

GREEN HORNET: Here it is - Truck # 45.

BATGIRL: What does it show as yesterday’s route?

GREEN HORNET: Only one item. A delivery of a couch from Lacey’s Department Store to Dr. Tito Daka. This says that he refused the couch and it was returned to the store.

BATGIRL: Well, that’s not right. We know that Daka was using that van to load up his possessions so he could move. I’d say it’s pretty odd to have new furniture delivered to your old address.

GREEN HORNET: Maybe we should be looking for more than one truck.

BATGIRL (tilts her head to ponder the situation): No, I don’t think so. I think they’ve falsified this record to conceal that truck #45 was relocating Daka to his new headquarters.

GREEN HORNET: That fits. Looks like that puts us at another dead end.

BATGIRL (turning pages): Maybe not. This truck makes a lot of furniture deliveries for Lacey’s - that’s almost all it does.

GREEN HORNET: We could go check Lacey’s records to prove there wasn’t any delivery of a couch yesterday, but that won’t get us any closer to Daka.

BATGIRL: I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find that this entry matches Lacey’s records exactly. I can call their billing section pretending to be “Mrs. Daka” and find out for sure.

GREEN HORNET: Batgirl, I thought you just agreed that this is a false entry.

BATGIRL: Oh, it’s false about making a couch delivery. But I think it really did head for Lacey’s Department Store after leaving Daka’s apartment.

INT. - LACEY’S BACK ROOM

Camera pulls back from a close-up of Robin as the hood is lifted from Robin’s head. Robin’s face has a dull, blank expression.

WIZARD (placing zombie headband on Robin): That’s quite an improvement in his attitude.

DAKA: Now we are ready to begin our conquests. Before, we had only common citizenry at our disposal. Now…. one of their own protectors has been turned to our just cause in the Emperor’s service. No longer will these American dogs be able to concoct a history filled with lies that cast their deeds in an honorable light. Our decisive string of victories in battle will shatter their myths and create a counter-myth that will shine for ages! The nobility of our cause will be proven in the stacks of their dead and the dying embers of their ruined cities!

WIZARD: Yes, well that was a very fascinating load of drivel you just belched up, but we actually have work to do here.

DAKA: Oh. Perhaps I was mistaken in which side of the conflict you are on?

WIZARD: What conflict? The war is over! Get over it! Besides, wars don’t determine who is right.

DAKA: No. War determines who is left.

WIZARD: I hate to burst your bubble, Doctor, but the ranks of our army was just decimated. The police picked up the three zombies at the dumbbell factory. So that leaves us with Mr. Threedy here.

DAKA: It is quite fortunate that the zombie process doubles his strength, for he would be a quite useless henchman otherwise.

WIZARD: We’ve got Robin, certainly a capable fighter, but still just a boy, and not the brightest one either, from what I can tell. And lastly, we’ve got your Mr. Wunga. Is he a zombie?

The Wizard peers through two eye holes in the room’s wall, giving him a good view of the entire floor. The over-the-hill muscleman can be seen standing on one of the mannequin platforms holding a golf club.

DAKA: Mr. Wunga serves out of loyalty. He spent the better part of several years standing in the same exact position outside the entrance to my underground hideout.

WIZARD (looking around at other mannequins - all Asian and all with hats and golf clubs): Can they all do that “come to life” trick like Wunga?

DAKA: Don’t be silly. The others are mere wax figures that were once deployed throughout my subterranean Chamber of Horrors. They stand now as testament to the undying spirit of the Emperor’s will.

WIZARD: I see that you didn’t manage to remove all the mold from them. How is it that my cloak and mask are too suspicious to wear around Lacey’s, but this astounding collection of unfit mannequins you’ve assembled isn’t? Maybe they’d serve as perfectly good “standing testaments” locked up in the loading bay!

DAKA: You are just sulking because I forbid you to wear that melodramatic outfit. Enough! Let us now test the efficiency of our new soldier and, at the same time, eliminate our chief competition. (into microphone) Zombie Robin. (Robin snaps to attention) Your friend and former partner, The Batman, is lying injured in the hospital. I believe it would be very courteous for you pay him a visit.

WIZARD: What about that other man in black that was with Robin earlier? Who was he?

DAKA: That would be the Green Hornet’s partner, Kato. I make it a practice to keep extensive information on all costumed vigilantes in this insane country, since The Batman has the unfortunate habit of running into them. I had incorrectly discounted the Green Hornet as a possible foe in the belief that he and Batman were enemies.

WIZARD: Well, well, well. They were so scared at hearing of our team-up, that they quickly dropped their dispute and teamed up themselves. Batman is such a copy-cat and a scaredy-cat that he should be wearing one of Catwoman’s outfits!

DAKA: Soon he will be wearing a coffin. (into microphone) Robin. You know where Batman is?

ROBIN: Yes…Doctor.

DAKA: Go there now.

WIZARD: Wait - Robin’s headband. Batman will spot what’s happened to him before he can get close enough.

DAKA: That is all taken care of.

Lying with his leg strung up before him, Batman is engaged in an arcane exercise that involves twisting the torso from one side to the other while doing a jerky series of sit-ups. We see Robin cast a shadow from the open doorway as Batman continues his exertions.

BATMAN: *Grunt*…297…298…299…300!

He falls back to the pillow, then notices Robin in the doorway. Medium shot of Robin standing rigidly at attention. His zombie headband is concealed under a hat identical to the Green Hornet’s.

BATMAN: Robin! Come in.

INT. - BACK ROOM AT LACEY’S

The Wizard and Daka are hunched over the televiewer watching the scene unfold.

DAKA: You see. He now appears to be a typical American teenager wearing a stylish hat. By next week, this department store will be selling hats like that by the thousands - and all of them will contain zombie headbands hidden within them.

WIZARD: Have him start talking about the secret identities!

Daka waves his hand to shut the Wizard up.

DAKA (into microphone): It is good to see…that your recovery is progressing.

ROBIN: It is good to see…that your recovery is progressing.

BATMAN: It certainly is! A strict regimen of Bat-squnch repetitions, though difficult to endure, will speed up my recovery substantially. I now estimate that I will be completely recovered and ready to resume our patrols in two days, eleven hours.

ROBIN (walking up to the bedside) : Very…good news.

BATMAN: I see that you’ve decided to make some changes to your regulation crime fighting uniform in my absence. Isn’t that one of the Green Hornet’s hats?

ROBIN: Yes. I hope you…approve.

BATMAN: Perhaps you could tell how you came to the decision to incorporate the uniform of a wanted outlaw with your own.

ROBIN: I...look up to the Green Hornet. I have…found that he is a vastly superior mentor than you.

BATMAN (considers this news): I see. Of course, I must accept partial blame for this turn of events. It was I that first suggested that you keep company with those minions of the underworld. I see now that I failed to take into account the debilitating effects of peer pressure on an impressionable young mind.

Back to the Wizard and Daka watching the televiewer.

WIZARD: Ask him about the secret identities! I took a look under Robin's mask, but he's just some teenager I don't recognize!

DAKA: You and your preoccupation with secret identities! I suppose that explains that ridiculous hood you like to wear.

The Wizard glares at Daka.

DAKA: It is all irrelevant, anyway. There are at least several different Bat Men, possibly an entire league of them.

WIZARD: Are you sure about that?

DAKA: Of course. I learned this years ago. I killed Batman fourteen weeks in a row. Each time, another one would show up to take his place within days.

WIZARD: Come to think of it, that sounds similar to my experience with him.

DAKA: I do not know how large a supply of Bat Men exists, but we already know exactly where to find the current one.

BATMAN: Don’t you worry, Robin. Your moral descent isn’t a permanent condition. There are methods of undoing this insidious brand of brainwashing. I have neglected you, old chum, but once I’m recovered, you will receive the benefit of my undivided attention. We can get started putting you back on the road of the straight and narrow right now! Let’s begin by reviewing the eight “D”s of Good Citizenship. “Decency…Discipline…. Dedication”...repeat the next three for me, please.

Speechless for a reply, Daka looks at the Wizard for help. The Wizard shrugs.

ROBIN (long pause): I…am thirsty.

He reaches for a nearby pitcher of water and “accidentally” knocks it off the stand. The pitcher shatters, spilling water all over the floor. Robin bends to pick up the broken pieces.

ROBIN (straightening up): There. I have…removed the broken glass from the floor. Allow me to place this in the garbage and fetch a mop.

BATMAN: Careful, Robin. Slipping on puddles of water is the fourth leading cause of death among super-heroes and villains in all age categories.

Sure enough, Robin promptly “slips” in so exaggerated a manner that his feet fly up as high as his waist. He comes down with his full weight on Batman’s outstretched, bandaged leg.

ROBIN (getting back to his feet): Forgive me. I slipped.

BATMAN (gritting teeth in pain): Quite all right. Even the most well-trained of crimefighters can make a mis-step from time to time. Perhaps staying out too late with your Hornet cohorts has affected your reaction time.

ROBIN: And I…. dropped the glass.

Close-up on half a dozen large pieces of sharp glass imbedded in Batman’s leg.

BATMAN: Yes. I fear I’ll need to substantially revise my previous forecast for my recovery.

ROBIN: So sorry.

BATMAN (sitting up): Hmm. I find it curious that your exposure to Kato’s cultural influence seems to have had a greater impact on your speech patterns than it has on Kato’s.

ROBIN (long pause): Holy… Linguistics.

BATMAN: Nice try. Could you take your hat off for a moment, Robin?

ROBIN: I…must go now.

BATMAN: You can’t take the hat off, can you?

ROBIN (backing up): The Green Hornet is waiting.

BATMAN: Robin, give me that hat. (He grabs for Robin, who is now out of reach.) I knew it! There’s a reason you can’t take if off. You’re being controlled by The Mad Hatter, aren’t you? When did he get out of prison?
(Robin flees the room) Robin!

DAKA (into microphone): Zombie Robin. Get to your Batmobile and return here immediately. Make certain that you are not followed.

WIZARD: Well, so much for using that Hornet hat.

DAKA: Yes. Apparently this Mad Hatter person has stolen my idea. Just as we are on the verge of launching production on our new line of custom-made zombie hats, we find ourselves plagued by imitators.

INT - COMMISSIONER GORDON’S OFFICE

The Commissioner is on the phone with Batman.

BATMAN’S VOICE: …and you must warn all your officers that Robin should be treated with the utmost caution! Have you heard any news from Batgirl or the Green Hornet?

GORDON: Why, no, Batman. There hasn't been a trace of eithers' whereabouts for several days now.

BATMAN: Everyone who comes into contact with Robin may be in danger.

GORDON: You just get well, Batman. The Mad Hatter is supposed to be undergoing treatment at the Mount Ararat Hospital. If Doctor Denton has lost track of another one of his patients . . !

INT. - THE BACK ROOM AT LACEY’S

WIZARD: Doctor, you might as well discard this plan of yours. There’s no point in incorporating zombie headbands into the hats if the hats attract just as much attention.

DAKA: Yes. I am forced to agree that thus far hats have proven an unconvincing method of disguise for the headbands.

WIZARD: I’ll remind you that it was you who complained when I suggested taking over a department store rather than a small hat store.

DAKA: A small store would have attracted less attention and still made for an efficient distribution system for our mind-control merchandise.

WIZARD: Not only does Lacey’s offer more room to conceal our equipment, but its massive electricity use will disguise whatever repairs we have to perform on the remote control machine and the atom disintegrator. I wouldn’t be able to get away with consuming massive amounts of power at a tiny store. If I’d listened to you, we’d be left with nothing but useless hats surrounding us right now.

DAKA: I concede that you are not always as foolish as you look. I believe the time has now come to implement Plan B.

WIZARD: I’m listening. This better be good.

DAKA: We will manufacture underwear that contains the zombie headpiece concealed in the waistband.

WIZARD (bursts out laughing): That’s ridiculous! The headband encircles the brain! We want to control their minds, not their groins!

DAKA: Yes, however, even when the band encircles the head, it does not actually make physical contact with the brain. The headband only transmits impulses. It is a simple matter to increase the strength of the impulses to make them travel up from the waist.

WIZARD: That’s preposterous!

DAKA: No, is true. The spinal cord is an ideal conductor for zombionic impulses. Just as an antenna is the perfect receiver for radio waves, impulses will travel up and down the spinal column in the same fashion.

Their discussion is interrupted by sounds of even louder arguing coming through the wall from the store. They move to the eye holes in the wall.

Long shot of store seen through the peepholes. A couple is arguing in the lingerie department. The man has straight blue-black hair that frames his face, obscuring his ears. His hair almost reaches his shoulders and has a habit of falling over his green eyes.

The woman wears high black boots that extend to cover half her thighs. As much skin is exposed above as below her mini-skirt, as her outfit showcases her splendid, incredibly tight abs. Black gloves reach above her elbows, her blouse sleeves disappearing into them. She sports round, green earrings, that accentuate her flashing blue eyes. Her most striking feature is an apostrophe of improbably long, swept-back, flame-red hair, the tip of which curls and reaches below her waist.

“James, I thought we'd agreed we were going to Atlantic City for the weekend!"

JAMES: What’s the big deal, Jessie? All we’d do is lose our money!

Close-up of a portrait that is hanging on store wall. We can see the “eyes” in the face on the picture moving back and forth watching the couple. A quick shot of the other side of the picture reveals Daka looking through the holes in the back room.

DAKA: They have the same names as a pair of criminals featured prominently on television lately. They were thought to be currently in Japan.

WIZARD: You mean those ones who're getting so much press that they're crowding Batman's ugly face off the airwaves?

JESSIE: And just what did happen to all the money from our last paycheck?

James, obviously not wanting to answer, runs a finger under the collar of his turtleneck.

DAKA Foolish. Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

WIZARD (not really caring): What makes you think they’re married?

DAKA (incredulous): The way she treats him!?

JESSIE: You can’t tell me what to do, you big loser!

JAMES: As long as we’re partners, I have just as much say in what we do as you!

JESSIE: Then our partnership is at an end!

JAMES: Jess, you can’t mean that!

JESSIE: Don’t you “Jess” me!

DAKA: Girlfriend who puts boyfriend in doghouse soon finds him in cathouse.

JAMES: Look, why don’t I buy you some of these nice undies you were looking at. Would you like that, Jessie?

JESSIE (looking around): Why aren’t we being helped? Where is everybody? When we work in places like this we would never get away with ignoring customers!

JAMES (holds up a bra and panties): Say, you’d sure look great in these!

DAKA (licking lips): Oh, so true. Let us hope she goes into dressing room number 5!

JESSIE (tosses them on the floor in disgust): I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing those! My grandma wears sexier stuff than that!

JAMES: Well, what do you want me to buy you, then?

JESSIE: I don’t want you to buy me anything! I want you to get lost!

JAMES: You’re dumping me? You’ve got to be kidding!

WIZARD: Those two aren't bright enough to be world famous thieves. They're just two ordinary bozos.

DAKA: But did you not hear? She is an experienced salesgirl - and she will be in need of work. We must have sales staff . Hire her at once.

WIZARD (checks her out through eye holes): I don’t know. She seems a little bossy.

DAKA: We cannot afford to leave this section understaffed for even a day.

WIZARD: Oh, all right. But I'm telling her she can't dress like that while she's working.

DAKA: Also, inform her that she must not treat the merchandise in that manner. Make her memorize brand new store motto: “Panties may not be best thing on Earth, but panties are next to best thing on Earth.”

JAMES (throws hands up): Okay, Jess, fine. If that’s the way you feel after all these years. Just don’t expect any more help from me!

They both start to walk away in separate directions. The Wizard emerges from a side door in a civilian uniform.

WIZARD : Excuse me. Miss?

The couple pauses for a moment. James’s hand slips underneath the counter.

JAMES (whispering): That’s your cue. Good luck, Batgirl.

“JESSIE” (whispering): Thanks, Hornet!

WIZARD (approaching as “James” departs): Ma’am, I admire your spirit. How would you like a job here?

“JESSIE”: Oh, I might be interested.

KATO: When I went back to the warehouse, the police were taking the zombies away and Robin was already gone.

BRITT REID: Well, it would have been nice to use Robin’s connections with the police to find out who those zombies were, but no use worrying about that now.

KATO: I should have stayed with him. Sorry.

BRITT: You’ve got nothing to apologize for, Kato. He got off easy, from what I can tell. Maybe Batgirl can tell us something new. It’s about time for me to call in. (picks up the phone and dials)

INT - LACEY’S DEPT STORE - LINGERIE SECTION

The disguised Batgirl is now professionally attired in a white blouse with high ruffled neck, black vest and tight black trousers. She hands some shopping bags over to a departing customer as the Wizard strolls up.

WIZARD: I just had a look at the sales figures for lingerie yesterday. Very impressive for your first day on the job.

“JESSIE”: Thanks, Mr. Jeeman.

WIZARD: I’m asked to again remind you to be careful of how you handle the merchandise.

“JESSIE”: Sure thing.

Phone rings, and the Wizard walks away to let her take the call.

“JESSIE”: Lacey’s Department Store. How may I help you?

BRITT: Hello, I’m trying to find a negligee for my wife - but I keep coming up empty. What kind of color assortment do you carry?

“JESSIE”: We have every color except green.

BRITT: Thank you. Good-bye (he hangs up and turns to Kato) “Green”. That means it’s safe for her to talk. Let’s listen to what she’s got to say. (He switches on a radio receiver unit)

Back in the department store, Batgirl pretends to be kneeling in the process of sorting under things. Her head dips close to the edge of the counter. Close-up on a circular bugging device of the type favored by the Green Hornet attached under the counter.

BATGIRL (whispering into the bug): I’ll have to make this short, Green Hornet. I don’t think I’ve done anything to make them suspicious, but the creepy store manager keeps coming by every ten minutes to keep an eye on me. And he seems obsessively over-protective of the condition of the underwear - which makes no sense because all the lingerie is on sale. They can’t be making much of a profit. I get the impression that most of the workers are nervous about what’s been going on in the store lately, but the new managers’ policies makes it impossible for the employees to do much chatting. Plus, they’re so short of staff here that everyone is always overworked and exhausted.

WOMAN’S VOICE IN BACKGROUND: Excuse me, Miss, where are your miracle br-

Britt Reid shuts off the receiver unit.

BRITT: Well, I guess we can’t expect much in just one day.

KATO: So what’s our next move?

BRITT: I think we’re getting very close to blowing this whole thing wide open. For the moment, let’s maintain the same routine. Batgirl will keep an eye on Lacey’s while she’s working her shift and we’ll monitor what’s going on via our bug when she’s not there.

INT - LACEY’S LOADING BAY

Daka and the Wizard have found something new to argue about.

DAKA: Devising a series of tunnels under an amusement park was a stroke of genius! It was the perfect entrance to a hidden hideout.

WIZARD: So perfect that the Caped Crusaders marched right in and dumped you in the alligator pit. Now, my submarine entrance…that was flawless. The world has yet to see a secret hideout half as clever. If I could have just made it to that submarine, I could have escaped to anywhere on the planet!

DAKA: Bah! The maintenance alone on a submarine would have bankrupted you. My hideout entrance turned a tidy profit for me every day - just as my new scheme will.

They are interrupted by the Robin zombie carrying in a new recliner and setting it before them.

DAKA: Ah, you have finished. Good zombie.

WIZARD: What did you have him do?

DAKA: Our industrious zombie has just finished assembling the prototype for a new series of zombie chairs that we will soon begin selling to this city’s unsuspecting citizens. We will offer bargain prices on chairs that will have the fools flocking here in droves! And when they get to their homes and activate the footrests in their nice, new chairs, what do you suppose happens?

WIZARD: I guess they’re supposed to get zapped into zombies. But I had the impression that that huge cranial hood on the original chair was essential to the whole process.

DAKA: If the subject is wearing our special zombie underwear when they sit in the chair, the skull and the brain are not vital to the procedure.

WIZARD: Just as they weren’t vital to coming up with this plan.

DAKA: This chair will trigger the zombie underwear into transmitting signals to the spinal column - signals which I will control completely from here.

WIZARD: Your plan is deeply flawed and unlikely to work.

DAKA: Silence. If I wished to hear the complaints of ignorant fools, I would have listened to Mr. Threedy rather than turn him into a zombie.

WIZARD: You must have no knowledge of science whatsoever.

DAKA: My field of expertise is one you cannot even grasp. I have mastered concepts in science and biology that are beyond what your tiny mind can fathom! Controlling mere vehicles and gadgets is child’s play in comparison to mastering the actions of breathing human beings.

WIZARD: Child’s play?! My remote control is the only thing that’s worked correctly since I made the mistake of associating myself with a raving crackpot!

DAKA: Out of my sight! I will call on you when I need a toaster oven fixed!

WIZARD (ominously rolling Daka’s wheelchair in the direction of the loading ramp): Well, seeing as how you’re apparently king of the entire operation, you might as well get a detailed look at every part of it.

DAKA: Stop!

Wizard starts running. The wheelchair picks up speed as it nears the steep loading ramp. Camera pans down from Daka’s worried face to his peg leg, which suddenly doubles in length. The bionic peg leg plants itself firmly on the floor to brake the wheelchair. The Wizard doubles over as he runs into the stopped chair, but his momentum pole-vaults him and the wheelchair upwards. Daka and the Wizard crash to the floor in a heap as Robin watches neutrally. Daka’s hand fumbles in his coat for the zombie microphone.

DAKA (into microphone): Robin! Seize this traitorous madman!

The Wizard sees Robin approaching and quickly slips a chained amulet around his neck. Robin is immediately upon him, grabbing the Wizard by the throat and lifting him in the air.

DAKA: As much pleasure as it would provide to watch his dismemberment, I am sure I will have some use for him later. (into microphone) Throw him in the broken freight elevator and lock him in.

ROBIN: Yes…Doctor.

Robin drags the struggling Wizard over to the freight elevator car and hurls him inside. The chain-link door is pulled close and padlocked shut.

DAKA: Wizard, your life is spared for the moment. I suggest you take this opportunity to ponder your loyalties very carefully. (into microphone) Robin. Your next assignment is to obtain some Yolsky coils. We will need a large supply in order to mass produce the zombie loungers. You will go to Loralye Laboratories and return with as many as the Batmobile can carry.

In her Jessie disguise, Batgirl is pretending to search for something under the counter as she gives the Green Hornet another report.

BATGIRL (whispering): There’s something definitely suspicious going on around here. I managed to find out that over half of the salespeople have quit in the last week. The store just hired some new night managers who are turning the place upside down. One day they want the store to concentrate on selling only hats, the next day, only underwear. Now they want to try to triple their sales on recliners!

Across the showroom, Wunga, the mannequin/guard stands silently. His eyes narrow as he watches the tip of her long red hair peek out from behind the counter.

BATGIRL: This morning, I caught a glimpse of an oriental man in a wheelchair. I only saw him from the back, but I’d be willing to bet its Dr. Daka. I have no idea what he wants with a department store, though. My shift is almost over, so I’ll have to let you take over surveillance. Batgirl out.

“Jessie” goes back to closing out her cash register till. She spots a movement out of the corner of her eye. Turning her head, she sees Robin carrying a load of coils through middle of the store. She leaves her station and attempts to catch up with him.

“JESSIE”: Psst! Robin! Psst!

He ignores her and continues on out of the main area.

“JESSIE”: He didn’t recognize me in this disguise. Something big must have brought him here - he looked very serious!

Batgirl straightens up, zipping up the back of her purple suit. She slowly becomes aware of the sound of heavy breathing. She looks behind her to see…

WUNGA: Graaarr!

The muscle-bound guard lunges at her, swinging the golf club madly. Batgirl twists away from the first swing, then springs over her work counter. Close behind, Wunga brings the club down on the counter top, barely missing her. Close-up of the bug under the counter shaking as the sound of objects breaking fills the air.

KATO (listening to the racket coming from the radio transceiver): Uh-oh.

BRITT: Batgirl’s in trouble! Let’s go!

Wunga’s golf club is now bent, but he continues smashing everything that Batgirl puts between herself and her attacker.

INT. - THE BACK ROOM

Daka is watching through the eye holes.

DAKA (into microphone): Do not kill her, Wunga! We must find out what she knows and who she has told it to. Wait - Wunga is not a zombie. He cannot hear me. Robin. (Zombie Robin drops his load of coils and stands at attention.) You must prevent Mr. Wunga from destroying your former female associate. Do not injure him, and above all, do not let her escape.

Wunga raises his arms to club Batgirl. She shoots a kick into his ribs. It throws off his swing, but appears to otherwise have little affect. Batgirl is backed up against the large bins of underwear. She throws a handful in Wunga’s face, which only angers him. Boxes of undies go flying everywhere as he plows after her. As he continues to charge around blindly, Wunga unwittingly steps on an open circle of thick rope lying on the floor. Instantly, Wunga’s feet are yanked out from under him. He lands on the floor with a thud, then finds himself being hauled slowly into the air by the mysterious lasso. Batgirl runs over to help Robin pull on one end of the rope as Wunga is tugged up towards the ceiling. They tie off their end of the rope while Wunga weighs down the other. Robin runs over and starts trussing Wunga’s upper body in another length of rope while Batgirl twists the behemoth’s arms behind his back. Within seconds, Wunga is left growling impotently, his roped body swaying back and forth in the air.

BATGIRL: Thanks for helping out, Robin.

He makes no response.

BATGIRL: Did Green Hornet lend you his hat? That was nice of him. (She examines the thick rope restraining Wunga.) Hey, that’s not your usual rope. Did you bring out some special Batrope for this mission?

ROBIN (pause): Yes. Special trick rope.

BATGIRL: What’s it do? (She gets no answer.) Show me.

ROBIN: Put your hands behind your back.

BATGIRL: Okay. Make it quick though.

Robin begins binding Batgirl’s hands behind her.

BATGIRL: I don’t understand, Robin. I’m not seeing anything special about this rope.

A familiar pair of headlight beams sweep across the wall through the window as a car pulls up in front of the store.

BATGIRL: It’s just plain, ordinary….say, that’s the Green Hornet’s car right outsi–oof!

The zombie Robin throws the bound crimefightress over his shoulder and heads for the back of the store.

BATGIRL: What are you doing? What’s the matter with you?

INT. - DAKA’S BACK ROOM

Batgirl’s kicking legs enter the room, followed by the rest of her over Robin’s shoulder. Daka is sitting in his wheelchair in the corner orchestrating everything through the microphone.

DAKA: Listen. The Green Hornet’s assistant is breaking open the front door. (into microphone) Quickly, silence her!

Robin sets Batgirl down on her feet and clamps a palm over her lips. Batgirl kicks the microphone out of Daka’s hands, but Robin snatches it out of the air with his free hand. Daka retrieves it and barks another order.

DAKA: Pin her against the wall!

Robin, his strength doubled by the zombification process, pushes the struggling heroine up against the wall, pinning her chest up against it. He steers her head to the eye holes in the wall. Through it she has a view of the entire floor. She sees Threedy freeing Wunga from his upside-down predicament. Threedy leaves and Wunga returns to his mannequin perch in the store upon hearing approaching voices. The Green Hornet and Kato enter the showroom.

GREEN HORNET (calling): Batgirl!

BATGIRL: Ummm! Ummph!

Batgirl is forced to stay pressed against the wall, prevented from making a response to the Green Hornet. Wunga raises his golf club as Kato and the Hornet draw near, but they head off in another direction before he can take a swing. They slowly pace the perimeter of the store, alert for any sign of danger. Batgirl can only watch helplessly as her potential rescuers stroll by. We see Green Hornet and Kato pause on the other side of the wall, as round white eyes gaze out from the portrait behind them.

GREEN HORNET (calling): Batgirrlll!

Green Hornet’s loud voice fills the small back room. Batgirl wiggles frantically in Robin’s grasp. He keeps a tight grip on his struggling captive. The Green Hornet and Kato walk right past without realizing their comely comrade is only inches away. They slowly head back toward Wunga. Kato pauses as he walks past Wunga again, and looks suspiciously back at the bent golf club.
Too late! Wunga’s club strikes the back of Kato’s head before he can duck! Kato drops.
Green Hornet draws his gas gun, but Wunga launches himself off the mannequin perch at the hero. The Hornet is driven down hard to the floor, and the gas gun clatters across the tile surface. Wunga sits up and aims a massive fist at the Hornet. The Hornet twists his head to one side and Wunga’s fist punches the floor. Green Hornet jerks his head up to bash Wunga in the nose. A fist under the jaw forces Wunga back, allowing the Hornet to get to his feet. Wunga grabs one of the other mannequins, lifts it overhead then hurls it downward. The Green Hornet dodges to one side as the mannequin shatters a display case. Wunga charges again, wrapping the Hornet in a bear hug. He lifts the hero off his feet and squeezes relentlessly. Green Hornet grimaces as his ribs protest from the enormous pressure on them.
Shot of Batgirl also wriggling in discomfort. Robin easily controls the superheroine and keeps her fluffy masked head in front of the eye holes. Her eyes widen as she sees the Hornet in the process of getting squished.
Green Hornet’s arms spread back in pain, then swiftly swing forward again to box Wunga in the ears!
Wunga loses his grip around the Hornet, who quickly knees him in the stomach. An uppercut from the Hornet forces Wunga straight up, and a right cross to the side of the head sends him to dreamland.
Exhausted, the Hornet goes to check on Kato, who is groggily sitting up.

GREEN HORNET: You okay?

KATO: Fine. Looks like you didn’t need my help.

GREEN HORNET: There’s nothing on this floor. Let’s check upstairs.

Batgirl struggles energetically, but her zombified captor keeps her still and stifled. Held fast, she is forced to watch the two heroes depart.

DAKA (into microphone): They are gone. You may release her. You must think yourself very clever in the way you have tricked me, my dear Batgirl. However, I am afraid you now leave me no choice but to demonstrate why it is most unwise for my employees to betray me.

BATGIRL: You filthy fiend! I might have known you were responsible for Robin’s behavior.

DAKA: I am afraid that this type of attitude cannot go unpunished. Robin, here is a bar of soap. I would very much like to watch you wash your former partner’s mouth out with it.

BATGIRL: No, Robin. Listen to me - you’ve been brainwashed - vlumphh!

Batgirl’s eyes cross as the bar of soap is forced between her jaws. Robin begins industriously scrubbing away.

DAKA: I trust this will teach you to show more respect for your elders, Batgirl.

He notices smoke billowing up from somewhere.

DAKA: What is all this smoke? (turns around - the smoke is coming from the remote control machines) The Wizard’s machine is still running. Why? (into microphone) Mr. Threedy. You will fetch the Wizard from the broken freight elevator and bring him to me. See that he is in a mood to cooperate when he arrives.

Threedy walks across the loading bay. He unlocks and opens the elevator car. It is empty. Threedy looks around in confusion as we hear the sound of the Wizard’s laughter.

Robin is still giving Batgirl’s mouth a fine coating of soap. Daka returns from the showroom and dumps a large pile of lingerie on the floor. Most of it has been torn or soiled in the ferocious fighting.

DAKA: See the damage you have wrought, my disloyal salesgirl! These fine items have been sullied by your carelessness. (holds up some panties for Batgirl to see the smudges. A stray label peeks out from the wad. Daka leans closer to read it.) Let us see what you must do to restore these garments to their pristine condition. ‘Machine wash warm….’

As he reads, grunts and bubbles emerge from Batgirl.

DAKA: Let me see. ‘Add mild soap’. (looks up) I believe we have added enough soap, Robin. That is enough.

Batgirl sputters as the soap is removed.

BATGIRL: You release me right this instant! (bubbles rise out of her mouth and hang in the air as she barks at Daka)

DAKA: You were warned many times to treat the merchandise with care, ‘Miss Jessie.'

BATGIRL: You pathetic rodent! Unhand me!

Ignoring her angry words, Daka stuffs a handful of frillies into her mouth, muffling her protests.

DAKA: I am afraid our washing machine is broken. Fortunately, we seem to have found at least one use for that insolent mouth of yours.

Batgirl struggles in Robin’s grasp, grunting incoherently through the mouthful of lingerie.

DAKA: Robin, please see to it that the lid to our new washing machine stays closed.

Robin begins tying something silky around Batgirl’s mouth to hold the gag in place.

DAKA: I have great plans for you, my dear. Once you are my zombie, you will gladly make all of this up to me. I can see no reason to delay your rehabilitation. This way…

A golf club lying against the wall unexpectedly comes to life. It hangs suspended in mid-air for a moment, then thwacks Robin soundly on the top of the head. Batgirl brings her heel down hard on Robin’s foot. He releases Batgirl and clutches at his foot and head.

DAKA: What is going on here?

WIZARD’S VOICE: Time to settle up some scores, Daka.

DAKA (into microphone): The Wizard is here somewhere! Robin, Threedy, find him!

Threedy staggers around in confusion. Batgirl trips him. Daka wheels himself away from the chaos.

WIZARD’S VOICE: Fore!

The golf club sweeps around in a vicious arc, catching Threedy square in the forehead. View from the darkened showroom. The portrait is torn to shreds as Threedy comes flying through the wall accompanied by a great deal of noise. Light spills out through the sizable hole in the wall.

EXT - LACEY’S PARKING LOT

Kato is starting up the Black Beauty, which is parked in front of the store’s picture window. The light streaming out the back room causes the darkened store to suddenly brighten. The Green Hornet turns at the light and crashing sounds from within Lacey’s.

KATO: Here we go again.

GREEN HORNET: Only this time, we’re not showing up late!

INT - LACEY’S SHOWROOM

Batgirl hops out through the hole in the wall. Robin grabs at her cape, but misses and his momentum sends him tumbling out, too. Batgirl runs up to Green Hornet as he re-enters the store. He removes her gag and starts untying her.

BATGIRL: Thanks!

GREEN HORNET (confused): What happened to Robin?

BATGIRL: Watch out! Dr. Daka has turned him into one of the zombies!

Robin stands up and shakes himself off.
Kato assumes a fighting stance and approaches the Boy Wonder.
Robin clenches his fists and stalks toward Kato.
The two charge each other, colliding in a flurry of fists.

BATGIRL: There’s an invisible man around here somewhere and he sounds just like Mr. Jeeman, the store manager!

GREEN HORNET: I’ve heard that the Wizard used to be able to make himself invisible. (he sees some curtains to the dressing rooms suddenly flounce apart) There! He just came out of the dressing rooms.

The two charge off.

Shot of an assortment of bizarre prosthetic hands hanging on a board. Daka’s hand enters the shot and selects a nunchuka attachment.
Kato and Robin are raining blow after blow down on each other. Locked in a death-grip, Robin and Kato roll over a counter, upsetting and overturning a fixture at the end. It crashes to the floor. Still holding Kato by the front of his shirt, Robin punches him hard on the jaw. The shirt rips down the middle as Robin wheels and throws Kato over a display case. Kato bounces right back up. He angrily snatches at the tattered remains of his top and hurls them to the floor. He and Robin circle each other.
Leaving his wheelchair behind, Daka hobbles across the showroom. He reaches a full-length mirror and pushes on the edge of it. It revolves to reveal a secret passage. Kato notices Daka’s exit.

Batgirl and the Green Hornet are searching for the invisible Wizard without success. Suddenly they hear the slapping of shoe leather on stairs.

GREEN HORNET: He’s on the escalator. Over here!

The two sprint for the escalator, and take the steps two at a time. They are halfway up when the escalator unexpectedly switches direction underneath them, throwing both off their feet.

Kato feints a punch to the stomach, and suddenly whips a kick to Robin’s head. Planting his feet, he rams a fist into Robin’s chest, whips a roundhouse to his ribs, and brings the same fist up to meet Robin’s head, followed immediately by his leg on the same side.
The slow, lurching, Robin zombie swings at Kato and misses. Kato shouts as he delivers a crazed roundhouse kick to the skull that punts Robin out of the camera shot. There is a loud crashing in the background.

KATO: Better get a Band-Aid for that, “old chum.”

The Green Hornet and Batgirl are clinging to the crazily-lurching escalator. They leap over the barrier onto the “down” escalator. No sooner do they begin descending than this escalator also begins changing direction every other second.

BATGIRL: The only way he could cause all this to happen would by using those machines I saw in the back room. This way!

They clamber back onto the divider between the two escalators, then slide down its length.

With Robin down for the count, the shirtless Kato warily approaches the mirror he glimpsed Daka sneaking through.

DAKA’S VOICE (from behind the mirror): Ah, Mr. Kato. I feared I might never get the chance to make your acquaintance. If you wish to resolve our conflict once and for all, I invite you to visit me in my room of mirrors. Proceed through the mirror you see before you - if you dare!

Kato pushes on the edge of the mirror, which swings back to reveal the secret passage. He enters.

The Green Hornet arrives in the doorway of the back room. He sees the smoking machines, but can’t see anyone.

GREEN HORNET: The game’s up, Wizard. I don’t know how you’re making yourself invisible, but I know you’re in here.

WIZARD’S VOICE: Perplexed, Mr. Hornet? It’s really quite simple. The ray from the machine you see on the left causes disintegration. The beam from the neutralizer, on your right, meets and throws back the disintegrating ray. Now, if the beam and the ray meet at a point where disintegration is checked, invisibility occurs.

GREEN HORNET: What? Wait a minute, the ray disintegrates what?

WIZARD’S VOICE: No, listen, fool. The ray from the first machine disintegrates. The beam from the neutralizer….

As he runs through the process again, Batgirl’s head pokes inside the hole in the wall left by Mr. Threedy. She silently crawls up into the room.

INT. - DAKA’S ROOM OF MIRRORS

Kato emerges in a brightly lit room. Several mirrors are hung on the walls.

KATO (looking around):This is your mirror room? You have…four mirrors!

DAKA: Yes, but you see? They are all beveled. They are very fine mirrors.

Kato looks at the closest mirror. He notices a lock of his hair sticking out at a very odd angle, and quickly smooths it down. The lock of hair stays where it is. He tries running his hand through his hair from several angles.

>WHAM!<

Daka’s nunchuka hand crashes down on his head from behind.

DAKA (circling Kato): Special mirrors, you see. Makes hair look out of place. Works every time.

Drop of blood runs down the side of Kato’s head from a cut. Kato touches a finger to the trail of blood, then tastes the finger with his tongue. He stiffens in rage.

DAKA (swirling nunchuk sticks menacingly): Here. I help you keep that hair down good.

Batgirl quietly lifts the fire extinguisher from the wall and tiptoes towards the Wizard’s voice.

WIZARD’S VOICE: ….and the result is invisibility.

GREEN HORNET: You don’t expect me to believe that. The only time you’d be invisible is when you’re standing right between the two machines!

WIZARD’S VOICE: That’s not the way it works! Look…

BATGIRL: Excuse me.

She sprays the fire extinguisher at the voice. The Wizard gasps as he’s covered in foam.

BATGIRL: Much better.

She raises the extinguisher and conks it against the foam-covered outline of a head.

>BONG!<

The foamy silhouette drops to the floor.

Daka lunges, swinging the nunchuka stick. Kato ducks under the first swing, and traps the return swing in his armpit. He rapidly punches Daka twice with the palm of his free hand.
Allowing the nunchuka to drop loose, Kato grabs the stick with both hands and uses it to swing Daka headfirst into the wall. Daka lands in a pile on the ground. Daka raises his peg leg, which instantly doubles in length, stabbing Kato in the jaw. Blood trickles from a cut on his face. He touches a finger to the wound and slowly licks the blood from his finger.

DAKA: Why you licking everything? What are you, a dog? Quit licking and fight!

Kato lunges at Daka, then spins into a back-kick. Daka whacks the back of Kato’s heel with the nunchuk. Kato is hopping painfully on one foot when he sees the bionic peg leg shoot out at him again. He quickly moves to one side to avoid the shaft, then slams both hands swiftly together, snapping the peg leg in two. Daka looks angrily at the splintered end of his peg leg, then makes it spurt forward at Kato again. Kato leaps up out of the way. Descending, he grabs the pole with one hand and brings his elbow down hard with the other. The wooden leg again snaps off in the middle. Kato snatches up both pieces of broken peg leg. Lurching unsteadily on the damaged peg leg, Daka swings at Kato with the nunchuka-hand. Kato blocks it and in the blink of an eye whacks Daka eleven times with his own stumps.

DAKA: You…will regret…

Daka collapses face first on the floor.

GREEN HORNET: The Wizard and Daka did themselves in. Their inability to work together brought about their downfall.

BATMAN: It sounds like they were able to drive a wedge between members of our team, though, and almost caused the same calamity for the forces of good.

ROBIN: Gosh, Batman, you’re right! We were acting just like those boobs!

Kato looks at Batgirl's magnificent chest in confusion. She ignores him.

BATGIRL: Well, hopefully discovering the source of our differences has made us a stronger team that can work together again in the future.

ROBIN: Teamwork sure is a great thing! We’re lucky to live in America, where we value things like teamwork. That’s what separates us from people like Daka.

GREEN HORNET: Um, actually, I think Japan is renowned for team build…

BATMAN: Quite right, Robin. Concepts such as team spirit are completely unfamiliar to Daka and his ilk.

KATO: How are you feeling, Batman?

BATMAN: The doctor says I’ll be up and around in no time now.

BATGIRL: And how’s your jaw, Robin?

ROBIN (his face covered with bruises): It’s still sore, but I barely notice the pain now.

GREEN HORNET: I’m sorry that things didn’t pan out quite like we’d hoped.

ROBIN: Heck, I was a mind-controlled zombie! You had no choice but to stop me. (pause as something dawns on him) Although…that doesn’t excuse Kato for stealing the Batmobile!

Kato rolls his eyes.

BATMAN: What’s this? When did this occur?

ROBIN: The last thing I remember before blacking out at the dumbbell warehouse…was Kato trying to make off with the Batmobile. He swiped it in a jealous rage because I had a nice car to drive around in and he didn’t. When I attempted to stop him, he tried to run me over.

BATGIRL: I’m sure there’s just been a misunderstanding. Right, Kato?

She looks over to where Green Hornet and Kato were standing, but they have managed to slip out the door unnoticed.

ROBIN: Holy Intent To Flee! (He runs from of the room.)

EXT. - DOORWAY IN FRONT OF HOSPITAL

Ending our adventure as he began it, Robin is standing and looking around in all directions. Batgirl catches up with him.

ROBIN (slapping his fist in his palm): There’s no sign of them! We lost ‘em!

BATGIRL: Are you completely sure it wasn’t the Wizard controlling the Batmobile rather than Kato?

ROBIN: Welll…

BATGIRL: I never even got a chance to say goodbye to the Hornet. Don’t you think you owe somebody an apology?

ROBIN: I guess so, Batgirl. I’m sorry I tied you up, hauled you around on my shoulder, and washed your mouth out with soap.

BATGIRL: I didn’t mean apologize to me. (Batgirl looks exasperated, but she can tell that it is futile to try to convince Robin that Kato and the Green Hornet are on their side.) You know, it’s funny that absolutely none of this turned out to be related to the XJ7.

ROBIN: The what?

BATGIRL: You know - that secret military device that the Wizard tried to blow up a train for last week?

ROBIN: Oh! That’s right!

BATGIRL: It’s funny how the device became very important to everyone right before you got into that jam on the train tracks, but then we never heard anything about it again.

Robin’s belt starts beeping. Robin uncoils a small speaker device that is connected to his belt by a cord.

ROBIN: Batman, is that you?

BATMAN: Yes, Robin. Did you find the Green Hornet?

ROBIN: Negative. They got away.

BATMAN: That’s all right, old chum. I think they’ve earned some peace and quiet for the remainder of their visit to our fair city.

ROBIN: I still don’t trust them, but at least this time they didn’t steal the car.

BATMAN: Now, I’m afraid it’s back to business. Commissioner Gordon just called. Apparently he’s received a tip that the warehouse where the RJ400 is being stored is about to be burglarized!

ROBIN: The RJ400? Holy Secret Weapon! I can be over there in 5 minutes! Robin out! (He sprints for the Batmobile.)

BATGIRL (calling after him): What is the RJ400? Have you ever really heard of it before?

ROBIN: No time for that now, Batgirl! Let’s go!

She sighs and chases after him.

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