Narrator: "Census time in Gotham City….a time of celebration…(cheering, jumping children wave goodbye to a departing census taker) …as every good citizen stands up to be counted and recognized. But not EVERYONE in Gotham is anxious to be recognized."

The census taker knocks on the door of an apartment. Door opens to reveal an elderly Asian man leaning on a crutch.

"Yes?"

"Good morning, I am Mr. Wall with the Federal Bureau of the Census. May I have a moment of your time?"

"No."

Wall: "Sir, your census form was due to be turned in months ago. I'm afraid the Bureau can't wait any longer. Mayor Linseed has requested we re-count this neighborhood. We have to enumerate every last person or else Gotham City will lose federal funding and a representative in Congress."

He worms his way into the dimly lit apartment. We now see that the old man has a peg leg and a false hand in addition to his crutch. Mr. Wall sits and opens his notebook.

Wall: "How many people live at this address?"

"Your government will topple and fall! Your dead will fill the streets! The rivers will run red with..…(Wall stares at him blankly)… one."

Wall: "Now then, what is your current occupation?"

"My . . . occupation? You see before you the instrument of your doom! I will be the downfall of your civilization! I will trod the embers of your smoldering nation!"

Wall: "And what type of industry is that?"

"You cannot measure my wrath! Know it is I your nation dreads! I will laugh at your pleas for mercy as I rise again, reborn!"

Wall: "I'll just put 'self employed.' Which of the following most accurately--"

"I will feast on your suffering! Domination and darkness are at your doorstep!"

Wall: "Let's just skip that question. Could I get your name?"

"A name whose utterance causes women to faint; children to scream, men to flee! ALL will fall in submission before . . . Daka! Daka, avenging warrior of doom . . . Daka, loyal agent of the Emperor, heavenly ruler and prince of the Rising Sun!!"

Wall: "Is that with a ‘c' or a ‘k'? (Wall notices a device in the corner of the room that is partially covered by a sheet) Say, that's an odd contraption. Is that a hair dryer?"

He gets up to examine it - it's an old, dusty, iron chair with a large device suspended just above that's obviously intended to fit over the occupant's head.

Daka: "Ahh, please excuse for one moment."

Daka leaves and enters into a back room.
Hanging on the wall are dozens of different, bizarre prosthetic hands. Daka unscrews the ‘standard" hand he currently on his wrist, and replaces it with a combination hand/pistol. He returns to the main room to find the census man uncovering the iron chair device.

Daka: "Meddling government inquisitor! Since you like my chair so much, I am sure you will want to sit in it!"

Shoving the startled worker into the chair, Daka keeps the gun hand trained on him as he straps the man's arms tightly to the chair, then lowers the ominous-looking, clear hood over the bureaucrat's head.

Daka: "You are about to undergo a shift in allegiances! From now on, you serve a different master! Me!"

Wall: "No! Please!"

Daka throws a switch on a switchboard behind the chair and sounds of electrical buzzing and popping fill the air. The lights in the apartment dim momentarily due to the power surge. Sparks flash around the startled man's face. After a minute, the noises and lights stop. Daka frees the stunned census worker from the chair and places a smaller headband-shaped headpiece on him. Daka picks up a microphone.

Daka: "Wall, stand up."

Wall slowly stands.

Daka: "Good. Get your briefcase. I have errands for you."

Scene: Commissioner Gordon's office at police headquarters. The Commissioner is on the phone.

Gordon: "What? Reports of home burglaries flooding in? All of the victims recently visited by employees of the Bureau of the Census? Great Scott! Get me the Director of the Census … and get me Batman!"

Evil's Electrical Embers

Later at police headquarters: Gordon has been joined by the Director of the Census. Batman and Robin rush into the room.

Gordon: "Batman - Thank heavens you're here. This is Billy Agzugg, Director of the Bureau of the Census. He has some troubling news."

Agzugg: "I certainly do. It seems one of our workers may be pilfering from the very citizens he enumerates! We've had numerous complaints about missing valuables and all were at homes visited by the same census employee, a Mr. Wall."

Robin: "Gosh, if you can't trust an employee of your own government, who can you trust?"

Batman: "Indeed, Robin. What type of items have been stolen, Director?"

Agzugg: "Mostly money from wallets and purses…a few watches and pieces of jewelry."

Batman: "Have you had any problems with this employee before? Noticed any unusual traits?"

Agzugg: "No problems at all. But right about the time we started getting calls about the pilfering, we also began having trouble tallying up his results from the field…seems he was listing locations and neighborhoods that don't even exist in Gotham."

Batman: "What locations were these?"

Agzugg: "He keeps turning in forms claiming he's working the ‘Empire of the New Order' district."

Robin: "Empire of the New Order? That doesn't make any sense, does it, Batman?"

Batman: "No, but we've got to get to the bottom of this before public trust in the sacred census process is damaged irreparably. The reputation of every hardworking government employee is hanging in the balance. To the Batmobile, Robin!"

Batman and Robin sprint from the office.

Scene: Daka's apartment. Daka is sitting next to a lamp while he counts the loot from the latest day's work of his zombie.

Daka: "You have done well, zombie Wall. But this is not enough. This will barely cover the considerable expense of keeping your irritating, Western mouth fed. This level of income is not sufficient to construct my weapon of mass destruction. When completed, the atom disintegrator will be the final ingredient necessary to overcome the allied nations once and for all. They will deeply regret their years of laxity in conducting a war that they know is not over. Did I ever sign a treaty? Was I ever defeated? (Wall starts to nod.) No! (Wall shakes head ‘no' in agreement.) Resting on the laurels of a few victories in battle will be their fatal undoing. Soon these people will grovel before the Emperor, begging for their insignificant lives!"

He stops as the light from the lamp flickers, causing the room to momentarily go dark. The lights hesitantly come back on. Daka gets up and hobbles to the back room.
He selects a hand attachment resembling a tennis racket and screws it on. He begins pounding the ceiling with it. We see that the ceiling is filled with dents caused by similar behavior.

Daka (shouting): "Say! Wizard! Turn off Universal Remote-Control Machine! You are draining the electricity!"

Scene: The apartment above, exterior. A window opens and the Wizard's black hooded head emerges.

Wizard (yelling down): "You're one to complain, Daka! You've been sucking up all the power on the block for weeks trying to get your old pile of junk to work."

Daka: "Not a pile of junk! I have started my army of zombie servants! It is your machine that never worked and that is because you are failure!"

Wizard: "Next time I get woken up by your contraption setting off the smoke detectors, you're going to need your ‘army' to pick up all the pieces of you that I leave lying around the parking lot."

Daka: "Why don't you go make yourself invisible….forever!"

Wizard: "Why don't you go feed the alligators, loser!" (slams window)

Daka (speaking into microphone): "Wall. (zombie snaps to attention) Go outside. Find a large number of rocks. You will spend the rest of the afternoon throwing them at Wizard's window. (Daka grabs his coat as the zombie heads for the door.) I must go to the library now. The plans for the atom disintegrator are almost complete."

Narrator: "Gotham City Library - a majestic hall of wisdom and learning - and the workplace of Batgirl's alter ego, librarian Barbara Gordon."

Barbara is sitting behind the information desk wearing a bright purple dress. She notices Dr. Daka hobbling back and forth across the library.

Barbara: "Is there anything I can help you find, sir?"

Daka: "Yes, please. This book - ‘Power-Generating Sources For Maximum Detonation' - is not on your shelves. It is never on your shelves. Where is it?"

Barbara: "Let me check. Just a moment, please. (She rustles through some cards) Well, a Mr. Jack Napier checked that book out some time ago. I remember now - he came dressed as Santa Claus because he was the St. Nick for a nearby department store. We've been unable to contact him since then because he forgot to list several digits in his phone number . . . but we'll be sure to remind him about that book when he comes back."

Daka (shouting and waving crutch) "Foolish woman! He is not coming back! You don't even know what he really looks like! He gave you a phone number that could not possibly work and you let him walk off with my book!"

Barbara: "I'm sorry, sir, but the contents of this library belong to all of Gotham's citizens, not just you."

Daka: "You are entrusted to keep track of these books and you have failed miserably! This is why you Americans cannot defeat us, Batman or no Batman! Your society is doomed to collapse under it's own incompetence. And once it has, the Emperor will show you how to run your wretched nation!"

Barbara: "How rude! You are in a library and you're disturbing my patrons. If you can't control yourself, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."

Daka (becomes aware that everyone is staring at him): "Ehh, yes. So sorry. The loss of my limbs has left me a bitter, old man. I am in constant pain. Please forgive me."

Barbara: "Well, that's all right….maybe that book was turned in today. Let me go check the returns bin."

Daka watches Barbara jiggle over to the bin of returned books and bend over to look through it.
Close-up on Barbara's ripe derriere wiggling slightly as she goes through the pile of books.
Drool forms on Daka's lower lip. He frantically unscrews his hand, pulls out a crab-claw-shaped prosthetic and attaches it to his arm. He tests the pinching action on the claws, then moves up behind the librarian/crime fighter.
Miss Gordon gasps, straightens up suddenly and rubs her rear end. She glares accusingly at Daka, who tries to appear innocently engrossed in a book as he makes his way toward the exit.

Barbara: (to herself) ‘That man is a sex fiend! Barbara Gordon wouldn't have anything to do with him, but I think Batgirl may find him of great interest!'

Narrator: "Quickly changing from mild-mannered librarian to devil-may-care Dare Doll, Batgirl now attempts to trail the mysterious Dr. Daka on her power-packed Batgirlcycle!"

As she speeds through the streets, Batgirl checks a lead with Batman in the Batcave via a radio call routed by Commissioner Gordon through the Batphone.

Batgirl: "…and the way he mentioned you gave me the impression that he must have locked horns with you before, Batman. But it was over so quickly that I never caught the man's name."

Batman: "Hmmm, elderly oriental gentleman missing a leg and a hand. Robin, have any of our foes lost a limb recently?"

Robin has been pushing buttons on a six-foot tall computer in the background. There is a pause of several seconds, then the computer spits a card out at the Boy Wonder.

Robin: "Negative, Batman. No known Bat-villains possessing a disability of that description."

Batman: "Batgirl, did you hear mention of any details that indicated how he knew me?"

Batgirl: "No, but some of his statements were quite odd. I detected some distinct anti-American sentiment . . . and he certainly didn't have the manners of a good American!"

Robin: "Holy Mole, he could be some foreign super-spy that we've never heard of!"

Batgirl: (teasing) "I thought ‘Holy Moley' was someone else's catch phrase, Robin. Are you running out of exclamations?"

Robin: "I didn't say ‘Holy--"

Batman: "Not now, chum. In light of our apparent acquaintance's behavior, I think we should consider ourselves fortunate that he didn't get a chance to check out a book entitled ‘Power-Generating Sources For Maximum Detonation.'"

Batgirl: "Yes, thank heavens that this Mr. Napier still has it!"

Robin: "Well, this fellow can't get far. How hard can a man with a false hand and false leg be to track down?"

Batman: "Don't be too sure, Robin. This ‘handicap' could be just a ruse to throw off suspicion. We'll have the computer run down any leads on known foreign spies that specialize in disguise."

Batgirl: "And in the meantime, I'll try to keep tabs on our book-loving friend. Batgirl out!"

Narrator: "And soon, at a local Gotham supermarket..."

Amidst a sea of housewives, Daka is doing his shopping. He moves along on his crutch and peg leg as his unblinking zombie follows him with a shopping cart. Daka picks some toothpaste off the shelf, marks "toothpaste" off on his list.

As they move to the next aisle, Daka spies the Wizard, covered in his black mask and cloak, scrutinizing the prunes section.

Daka (shouting across the store): "Mister Wizard! Buying your prunes today, eh? You know, man who eats many prunes gets good run for his money!"

The Wizard stiffens, infuriated, but doesn't reply.

Daka (into microphone): "Wall. Go find two gallons of milk. Bring them to me."

Wall lumbers off down the aisle.

Daka continues along, picks up some light bulbs, then gasps as he sees the product sitting next to the light bulbs. Close-up on product in motor oil-type container over a sign that reads "This Week's Special - Radium - 85 cents a can"

Daka: "Radium!"

He grabs the lone remaining can and stares at it, then sees a stocker passing by. The teen's nametag identifies him as Harold.

Daka: "You, boy! Do you have more of this radium in stock?"

Harold: "Are you kidding? We've got a whole storeroom full of it. We're always having sales on this stuff."

Daka: "How is it that only your store carries radium?"

Harold: "Ahh, this store's been owned by the same family for generations. The last owner really loaded up on this radium years and years ago - kept telling his family it was going to be the energy source of the future. Well, he must have been talking about WAY in the future, because they've never been able to sell much of it, no matter how they try to advertise it."

Daka (thinks for a moment): "As you can see, I am a crippled, old man. Might I get your assistance in getting my groceries home?"

Harold: "Why, certainly. Just let me tell the manager." (he leaves)

Wall comes staggering back down the aisle with two gallons of milk

Daka: "The fools - they can barely wait to hand me all their radium. When one sees stupidity of this magnitude..…you people are begging to be conquered, Wall. (into microphone) As of this moment, I am shopping alone and unassisted. You will walk home."

Wall departs just before the Harold returns with his jacket on.

Outside, Daka emerges from the store, followed by Harold, who is loaded up with Daka's groceries. Batgirl watches from behind a car in the parking lot.

Narrator: "What fate does Daka have planned for the helpful store employee? Can Batgirl discover what foul plot is swirling through that evil, inscrutable mind? Let's see what transpires as Daka returns to his seedy apartment.…"

In the apartment, Harold is now strapped into the zombie chair. The hooded headpiece covers his face.

Harold: "I have to be getting back now! Don't bother tipping me…."(voice trails off as electrical noises from the machine increase)

Daka (rubbing his real and prosthetic hands together): "Do not worry, young man. I will return you to your store shortly. I am sure your superiors would be pleased to know how you are going to help them liquidate their radium inventory. Soon you will have provided me with enough radium to power an atom disintegrator as big as this room!"

Smoke billows from the machine. Daka, oblivious, continues to rant.

Daka: "What will your city do then, young man? Will you still laugh amongst yourselves over your nation's worthiest foe being torn limb from limb by his pet alligators? How amusing will it be when it is your family looking into gun barrels as wide as your oversized American cars?"

He finally turns off the machine, undoes the straps and places a mental headpiece on the zombified Harold.
The door is suddenly kicked open - in springs Batgirl!

Batgirl: "Hold it right there! Put down that microphone and come with me - you're under arrest!"

Daka: "Oh, I think not, Batgirl. It is you who will be under my control - just as the zombie you see here. He looks normal to the naked eye, no? But he now possesses three times his normal strength!"

Batgirl palms a clock underneath her cape.

Batgirl: "Do you hear that noise? Doesn't that sound like a clock to you?"

Daka: "What are you saying?"

Clock: "Tick Tock Tick Tock"

Batgirl: "Odd - I don't know of any creature that sounds like a clock! What kind of large reptile would be ticking?"

Daka: "I am sure that I do not know."

Clock: "Tick Tock Tick Tock"

Batgirl: "Could it be an alligator? You're not getting nervous, are you?"

Daka: "Ahh…I am afraid you have me confused with a different disabled individual, my dear. Perhaps you would also like to see if I melt when you throw water on me."

Daka sees Wall finally returning from the store. The zombie lumbers up the walk behind Batgirl with a gallon of milk in each hand. Daka speaks into microphone.

Daka: "Wall! Subdue Batgirl!"

Batgirl turns just in time to see Wall swing his milk-laden arms at her head. She ducks under and the two gallons burst as they smack against each other. Milk splatters in Wall's face. He shakes his head, then looks down for his foe. Batgirl's boot kicks him in the chin, snapping his head back. >WHAP!<
Batgirl spins on the floor, her leg sweeping Wall's feet out from under him. He lands on his back - >CRASH!<
Batgirl springs up to face Daka and Harold.

Batgirl: "Give yourself up, unknown evil genius!"

Daka: "Unknown? Allow me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Tito Daka. And now let me introduce you to…my BIONIC PEG LEG!"

Daka raises his peg leg, which suddenly extends its length across the room to punch Batgirl in the stomach. Batgirl drops her to her knees.

Daka: "Which do you prefer, Batgirl, blunt tip…or sharp?"

With a whirring noise, the tip of the peg leg narrows to a sharp point. Batgirl rolls away just before the leg stabs into the doorjamb behind her.
Batgirl grabs the pole-like leg and yanks it towards her, causing Daka to slam face-first into the wall. >WHAM!<
The census zombie's fist socks Batgirl in the back of the head, knocking her forward.
>BAFF!<

Daka (into microphone) "Harold! Bag her!"

The zombie grocery boy yanks a shopping bag down over Batgirl. Her face looks startled as it pops out of the bottom of the paper bag. Harold yanks her off her feet, spins and dumps her headfirst into a shopping cart.
Batgirl looks momentarily dazed. Daka, his peg leg back to normal now, stumbles into view above her.

Daka: "You fought a fine battle, Batgirl. But now our conflict is about to end."

Harold and Wall stack full bags of groceries on top of Batgirl as her legs kick the air wildly.

Daka: "We are tired and hungry now, are we not, my zombies? I suggest we prepare for dinner."

Batgirl: "You won't get awa---gpfff!" (Daka shoves a yellow apple in her open mouth)

Batgirl is now wrapped up in a ball, her knees up against her abdomen, lying on a large platter. Harold hands "mittens" and "booties" to Wall, who slips them over Batgirl's gloves and boots. Daka is at a huge stove.

Daka: "Ah, 550 degrees….I believe that is the proper temperature for roast bat, is it not?"

Batgirl: "Ummmph!!"

Daka: "It is regrettable that you forced me to deal with you in this manner. (into microphone as he opens the oven) Harold, Wall. Put her on the oven door!"

The zombies lift the platter. Batgirl looks around frantically as she is set mere inches from a horrible fate.

by Plumper

Narrator:

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