The Returns Are In

When we last left Batwoman and Flamebird, the evil criminal Falseface had released a trio of big cats - a lion, a tiger and a panther - from their cages to attack the Distaff Duo. In the otherwise empty circus tent, the predators stalk Batwoman and Flamebird.

"Flamebird! Stay behind me and stay real close, understand?"

"You don't have to tell me twice! I'm right behind you! What are we going to do, run for it?"

"No. Even if we managed to escape, these animals might injure innocent bystanders." Batwoman uncoils a length of what looks like rope out of her utility belt. "I have my electric whip. I'll show you how to tame a lion!"

"There is more than just one lion, Batwoman! There are a tiger and a panther, too! What about them?"

"Just stay close and watch."

Batwoman snaps her electric whip. It sends off a large electrical charge that produces crackling sparks on the ground and in the air. The big cats, seeing this, stop in their tracks.

After a pause, the lion comes forward and tries to approach, but is struck lightly by Batwoman's whip and quickly retreats.

Batwoman now backs the lion with her whip slowly towards the cage from whence he came. "The lion has gone back into his cage, Batwoman!" The Duo race forward and throw the bolt, locking the creature inside . . . but as soon as the lion is secured, the Bengal tiger charges forward.

Quickly Batwoman cracks her whip. The tiger feels the sting of the whip and of its electrical charge. Once again, as with the lion, Batwoman backs the tiger into its cage. Flamebird locks the cage. "Two down, one to go!" the girl crows.

The panther is so black it almost appears purple. Alone, it is still dangerous, but having seen the power of the whip, the puma moves ever-so-carefully backward. The mountain lion is hesitant to challenge Batwoman and her whip by charging her and Flamebird. "It looks as though the panther has had enough, Batwoman! It's moving back into its cage!"

"Lock it in, Flamebird!" The Girl Wonder does as she is instructed.

"Where did you ever learn to control large cats like that? Even with the electric whip, it couldn't be easy!"

"Yes, Flamebird, it requires lots of training. A lion tamer taught me when I was about your age. You see," Batwoman says as she puts away her whip, "growing up in a circus did have its advantages . . . but, now, we must help Batman and Robin!"

"Yeah, I think I saw the fun house near here when we arrived. Let's go!"

As Batwoman and Flamebird run towards the fun house, a long line has formed to play the "Ring The Bell" game. If a contestant using the sledgehammer hits the plank hard enough to send the weight up to hit the bell at the very top, that customer will win the prize money. The jackpot now stands at over $150. Coming to the front of the line is a very serious contender.

He is Jack "Brickhouse" Mullins, a high school football player and discus thrower. He pays his two dollars and moves up to the plank. He would win $163 if his attempt to hit the bell is successful. At 6' 8" and 290 pounds, Mullins is a consensus High School All-American offensive tackle. He has committed to attend Penn State next Fall. A large crowd has gathered to watch him take his turn.

Deprived of their utility belts, Batman and Robin have had no luck breaking down the clear plastic barrier that dropped behind them. They coolly examine the trap for any possible means of escape, knowing that at any second the glass ceiling could come down upon their bodies, cutting them to pieces.

The Distaff Duo race into the fun house and arrive at the Hall of Mirrors. They find Batman and Robin, trapped in their transparent prison.

"Batwoman!" yells Batman, "see if you can find a switch to raise this panel!"

On the other side of the fun house wall, Big Jack Mullins is handed the sledgehammer. He spits on his hands and rubs them together. He hefts the hammer and prepares to bring it down on the plank.

"There's no time, Batman!" shouts Batwoman. "Stand back!" She pulls a Bat-Ray out of her utility belt and fires the laser beam at the barrier. Under the onslaught, the panel shatters.

Mullins hits the plank. The weight zooms up.

CLANG!!!

CRASH!!!

Batman and Robin sprint out of the room! Shards of glass slice into Batman's cape. Jack "Brickhouse" Mullins wins $163, but Batman and Robin have won something much more valuable: their lives.

"Batwoman," Batman begins, "You and your young assistant have come to our aid once again . . . and just in the nick of time."

"Gosh, yes!" enthuses Robin. "Falseface tricked us into thinking Lloyd Knox was in danger . . . and then we discovered that Knox is working together with our old foe!"

"Well," Flamebird observes, "The questions we need to answer are: Where are they now? and what will they do next?"

"Those two questions shall be answered, young lady, I assure you," says Batman. "With your help, we'll get Falseface . . . but first, let me thank you both - Batwoman, Flamebird - for saving our lives just now. Maybe we can discuss crime fighting at a later date, Batwoman?" Even though Batwoman is only slightly older than Batgirl, it is clear that the Caped Crusader is more attracted to this new female crime fighter.

"It would be my pleasure, Batman," answers Batwoman.

"Look, Batman!" points out Robin, "our utility belts, right where we left them!"

Batman turns to look. When he and Robin turn back, they find that Batwoman and Flamebird have disappeared! Then they hear the sound of the Female Furies' Bat-Gyros taking off.

"Gee, Batwoman," Flamebird says over the Bat-Gyros' two-way radio system, "maybe we should have stuck around and searched the circus grounds. Maybe with the four of us, we could have found Falseface."

"I think it is time we caught our breaths, Flamebird . . . for now. What I want you to do is to get to know Wilbur Weems at school tomorrow. He may be the key to all of this."

"Wilbur Weems? You want me to talk to the school nerd? I can't do that, Batwoman! Think of my reputation!!"

"Flamebird, much is required in crime fighting . . . even talking to someone like Wilbur. After all," Batwoman smiles, "danger is our business!"

In the Batmobile, the male Caped Crusaders go over some strategy of their own. "Well, Batman, now we know who was impersonating Bruce Wayne . . . and we can expose Lloyd Knox for working with Falseface."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Robin."

"What do you mean?"

"First, even though I don't think Falseface knows who I really am, to protect our secret identities, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson need to be seen often out in public between now and the election. Second, if we accuse Knox of working with Falseface without any proof, we'll be accused of going after Knox because of his support of Proposition B."

"Holy Twin-Killing, Batman! So Batman and Robin will see limited action over the next few days, eh? Gosh!"

The Dynamic Duo ride towards the Batcave in silence for a while, until Robin suddenly realizes, "You know, I was wondering: Where has Batgirl been while all this is going on?"

"Your guess is good as mine, Robin."

Barbara Gordon is spending an enchanted evening at her apartment with her new "boyfriend," Lloyd Knox. After shaking a few hands at the circus, Knox decided to take advantage of having a beautiful woman madly in love with him. Not wanting to leave his briefcase in his car, he brings it into Barbara's apartment.

Knox and the drugged Barbara are soon kissing each other with a passion. Later, when Knox leaves, the evening has been so passionate that he forgets something. Knox leaves his briefcase at the apartment!

The next morning, Lloyd Knox comes into his office and is surprised to find James Carmel sitting in a chair, waiting for him. "Good morning, Mr. Carmel. Not so good to see you."

"You'd better quit kidding around, Knox. This is serious."

"So am I. What are you doing here?"

"The Dynamic Duo escaped that trap we set for them."

"What!?!?"

"They had some help from that new female Bat-Twosome - after the girls escaped a death trap of their own! So, now what are we going to do?"

"I'm going to appear on the last Vote For Knox campaign show tonight. Freda Sanford of the We Little Old Ladies Love Lloyd Fan Club will be my special guest. It will be great for the voters to see that sweet senior citizen cheering me on. Linseed won't stand a chance. Why don't you come by and be part of the studio audience?"

Carmel, still worried, starts to object, but Knox continues, "Batman won't dare try to expose me at this late date in the campaign. Everyone would think it was just a desperate, last-minute, dirty campaign trick."

Carmel smiles slyly. He reaches over and puts into the VCR another copy of the tape that shows Lloyd Knox with Benny the Butcher.

Knox responds with mock happiness, "Oh, boy! Is that a tape of yesterday's episode of The Bold and the Beautiful? I want to find out what happened between Becky and Amber about the baby."

"How can you joke like that with what's at stake, Knox?"

"Because, Mister Carmel, I made a video, too - a video of our little meeting yesterday."

"What!?! Are you trying to double cross us? Is that what I'm hearing? Where is this tape?"

Knox starts to make a smart reply, when he suddenly realizes that he left his briefcase with the video inside at Barbara Gordon's apartment! Being a seasoned politician, he keeps the panic out of his voice as he says, "In a safe place. What you're hearing is that now I've got some insurance of my own. Since we are supposed to all be in this together, I needed to make sure it stays that way."

Carmel snarls as he gets up to leave, "Just remember, Knox: We can always get another mayor. I doubt you can get another life. No one likes this kind of double cross."

"Neither do I, Carmel. Just get your slimy self out of here . . . now!" After Carmel storms out, Knox calls in his girlfriend, Regina. He tells her that he left his briefcase at Barbara Gordon's apartment. Knox orders her to get it.

That afternoon, at the estate of billionaire Katherine Kane, Betty comes in with a progress report."Did you see Wilbur at school today, Betty?"

"No. It's hard to believe, but he has missed two days straight. Somebody better call the FBI!"

"Well, could he just be sick?" Just then, Batwoman's Batcelphone starts beeping. "Hello, Commissioner."

"This isn't the Commissioner. This is someone else. Are you Batgirl?"

"No, this isn't Batgirl. This is Batwoman. . . but who are you?"

"Listen, I will explain once you get here. I‘m in the Commissioner's office and I've got evidence that proves that Lloyd Knox is a criminal!"

"We'll be there in a few minutes!"

Within fifteen minutes, Batwoman and Flamebird arrive at Commissioner Gordon's office. They find a bespectacled young man hiding in the dark. Flamebird recognizes him, but wisely says nothing.

"Hi, there. My name is Batwoman and this is Flamebird . . . and you are?"

"Wilbur, Wilbur Weems. I worked in the Knox campaign, but everybody treated me badly, including the candidate. Last night, while I was cleaning his office, I had the TV on. I accidentally hit the Play button on his universal remote. When the VCR came on, it showed Councilman Knox talking to some gangsters about helping him in the election!"

Wilbur continues his fantastic tale. "I grabbed the tape and ran out of the office. At first, I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to go to the police. Finally, I decided to sneak in here and try to call Batman on that famous Hotline . . . but when I pushed the button, a voice on the other end said Batman and Robin were unavailable. Then I saw this purple cel phone with the Bat-insignia on it. I thought at first I was talking to Batgirl, but I see I was talking to someone new . . . around here. I hope I didn't do anything wrong."

Wilbur is now almost in tears. "Please, Batlady, I didn't mean to stumble onto this mess! I'm not really part of Lloyd Knox's team! I just worked at his office!"

"Don't worry, Wilbur," Batwoman assures him. "You did the right thing and everything will turn out fine. Do you have the video with you?"

Wilbur nods and pulls it out of a jacket pocket.

Batwoman turns to Flamebird. "Now we have something we can work with!"

"Hi, everyone! Lloyd Knox here. This is our last show before the election that decides who will be mayor of Gotham City for the next three years. Tonight on Knox in the Box we have a very special gues: Freda Sanford, one of Gotham City's many active senior citizens.
"Ms. Sanford, welcome to Knox In The Box."

"Yeah, right."

"Er, well, yes, uh, Freda, what do you think of the election for mayor?"

"I don't think about it too much. I just want to watch my soaps, Sonny."

"Well, good for you!" Knox laughs nervously. "Everyone needs a diversion now and then. Tell me, in your opinion, what's wrong with Gotham City?"

"I think Gotham City is a nice place to live"

Knox is getting flustered. This lady was supposed to be on his side! "Please tell our audience why you are voting for me."

"I've never voted in my life. I'm not sure it really matters, anyway. Some screwball politicians just follow the orders of whoever gives them the most money."

"Er . . . ah . . . er . . . Ms. Sanford is 97 years old, friends, and she might not hear me too well." Knox raises his voice, "I asked, why are you voting for me, Ms. Sanford?"

"I hear just fine, you fruitcake. It's you that doesn't hear so well . . . and that cologne you're wearing smells like muskrat juice." Laughter abounds in the studio audience. James Carmel doesn't like what he is seeing.

Knox is becoming desperate to salvage the situation. "Freda, what about Prop B? As you know, Batman assaulted me two days ago with his Batarang. I think he is a menace. We need to protect the people."

"The people? The people? What people are you talking about: all those crooks he and Robin have put away while guys like you hid under the bed? That Batarang should have hit you in the face. It might have improved your looks!"

With the studio audience roaring with laughter and Carmel seething, Knox quickly introduces a video that the We Little Old Ladies Love Lloyd Fan Club made in his honor. "You want me to show the video your group made, Freda?"

"Sure, go ahead. I'm tired of talking to you, anyway."

"Well, here is Freda's and her group's video, friends."

What the studio and television audience sees instead, however, is the video of Knox with Benny the Butcher! The studio audience sits in stunned silence.

Freda Sanford is pulled off stage by Knox, but Carmel comes up and takes matters into his own hands. "Knox, move along. I'll handle this."

Knox snorts, almost hysterical. "You will?!? What are you going to do? Think of all the votes I lost tonight! I may lose the election!"

"That why I want you to clear out . . . now! Lay low until you hear from me."

Knox runs off, while Carmel continues to hold Sanford roughly by the arm. "Well, little old lady, you did a lot of damage out there. I hope you're happy."

"Big deal, you ugly skunk! If she saw that tape, not even Knox's mother would vote for him."

"I agree." James Carmel puts the fingers of one hand under the skin of his neck! A quick flick of the wrist reveals the unmoving mask of . . .

Falseface!!

"So now, you're going to pay for ruining my plans!"

"Two can play at that game!" With unexpected strength, Freda Sanford jerks away. In a flurry of motion, another disguise is removed and standing in her place is . . .

Flamebird, The Girl Wonder!

"You! You little . . ." Falseface sputters. "How could you pull off such a stunt?"

"That is the least of your worries, creep! Batwoman and I are taking you back to Gotham State Penitentiary!"

"Don't be too sure about that, little girl. I still have something up my sleeve!" The double "F" crook shoots some sleeping gas out of his sleeve into Flamebird's face! He puts the unconscious Flamebird over his shoulder, when . . .

Batwoman swings onto the stage. "Stop right there, Falseface! It's over."

"I'm afraid that's a false hope on your part, Batwoman!" Falseface runs a few steps, still carrying Flamebird. He then jumps on a part of the stage floor. It gives way!

It is a trapdoor. Falseface and his captive fall ten feet into the back of pick-up truck, parked in the garage below. The cargo space is filled with cushions.

The trapdoor springs shut. While Batwoman tries to open it, Falseface buries Flamebird beneath the cushions, jumps out of the back of the truck, leaps into the cab and drives off at top speed.

Meanwhile, Regina breaks into Barbara Gordon's apartment. She looks high and low for Knox's briefcase, but can't find it anywhere. Finally, she decides to have a look in the bedroom . . .

Lloyd Knox goes to the shack where the real Commissioner Gordon is tied up. Non-stop Nicktoons are playing on the television. As Knox walks in the door, the Batmobile pulls up! The Dynamic Duo followed the candidate from the television studio. Before Knox can react, Batman and Robin are out of the car and in the shack with him.

"Waiting to nab you has paid off, Knox!
"Now, Batman, why would a candidate for Mayor have the Police Commissioner tied up like this?"

"Would you like to answer Robin for me, Mr. Knox?" Batman asks.

"I guess that video tonight did me in, eh, Batman?"

"No, you were already through. Barbara Gordon came to the home of millionaire Bruce Wayne with a briefcase of yours that had a video of your conversation with James Carmel in it."

Robin removes the gag from Commissioner Gordon. "Thank you, Boy Wonder. Where is my daughter now?"

"She is resting comfortably at stately Wayne Manor," Robin explains. "It seems someone was drugging her with a love potion. She was finally able to shake it off, but when the formula is used on a woman, there is often a side effect. Without any warning, the drug can make the victim groggy. Barbara just barely made it to Wayne Manor safely."

Gordon, now free, glares at the City Councilman. "Do you know anything about this, Knox?"

Knox clears his throat. "Well, sir, it was Falseface impersonating you. He gave her that potion. He got it from Marsha, Queen of Diamonds. I didn't know it had any side effects."

"Why, you!" Robin restrains the Commissioner from attacking Knox!

"Hold it, Commissioner" Batman says evenly. "This soon-to-be former public official has one more thing to tell us in the interest of the people he has so poorly served. Where is Falseface, Knox?"

"Back at the Flint Circus grounds. I'm sure of it!"

At the circus, Falseface and his Falsehoods have put Flamebird in a cannon! They plan to shoot her into the parking lot! "Without a net to catch you, even if you somehow manage to survive the landing, all the King's horses and all the King's men won't be able to put you back together again!"

"You arrogant freak!" Flamebird's voice echoes from inside the cannon. "You're just a washout!"

"Words, just words, little girl. Now, my Falsehoods, let's gather our loot from the merry-go-round and get out of here. We'll let Knox take the rap for this. Light the fuse!"

Falseface puts one hand on the barrel of the cannon as he says, "Well, little girl, quite an appropriate end to the career of someone who calls herself Flamebird, don't you think? Ha, ha, ha!" Falseface and his gang depart.

The tied-up Girl Wonder now faces a grim fate. The cannon is pointed upward at a sixty degree angle. The fuse gets shorter and shorter . . .

As the shack where Commissioner Gordon was held prisoner was on the opposite side of town from the circus, Batman had radioed Chief O'Hara with Falseface's location. The Caped Crusader suggested that the Chief call Batwoman with the information. Just as the cannon is about to fire, Batwoman rushes forward and pulls the fuse out of the cannon!

"Are you all right?" Batwoman asks her young partner as the she pulls Flamebird out of the cannon barrel.

"Yeah! but Falseface is leaving! He said he was headed for the merry-go-round."

Batwoman and Flamebird rush to the merry-go-round where they do indeed find Falseface and The Falsehoods, retrieving their ill-gotten gains from a hiding place in its center. The Falsehoods and their leader jump on the carousal. Batwoman and Flamebird do likewise, and a battle is joined.

Batwoman dispatches two of the hoods while riding on a horse going up and down. Flamebird wheel kicks one thug and then another. A big girl member of the co-ed gang challenges Batwoman, but gets punched off the merry-go-round and into a hot dog stand. Flamebird fakes another girl goon out and then kicks her off the carousal and into a popcorn machine.

Two male Falsehoods team up on Batwoman, but a couple of judo hip tosses send the goons flying. On the other side of the merry-go-round, Falseface knocks Flamebird to the floor and begins to kick her. Flamebird rolls away among the wooden horses, but the crook finally catches her and tries to hold her underneath one of the horses as it is coming down. Batwoman swings over and grabs the Master of Disguise. She knocks him out cold with a solid right!

The returns are in. Mayor Linseed wins by a wide margin over Lloyd Knox. Everyone on the Knox slate goes down to defeat. Proposition B fails in a landslide, while Prop L passes by several thousand votes. Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Aunt Harriet, Alfred, Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara, Barbara Gordon and Mayor and Millie Linseed are among the many enjoying the victory party at Linseed Campaign Headquarters.

Dick motions Bruce over to a quiet corner. "Gosh, Bruce, is there a James Carmel or was he just Falseface in disguise?"

"The police couldn't track anyone down by that name. It's hard to believe such a character really exists."

"And what about Harry Flint?" the ward asks his guardian.

"Flint denies any knowledge of Knox's involvement with either Falseface or the mob. As far as the District Attorney's office can determine, Flint hasn't broken any laws. He may be an innocent, albeit unsavory, businessman . . . however, Batman and Robin may want to keep an eye on him in the future."

Mayor Linseed steps up to the podium. "Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you all for your part in this great victory . . . and even though they are not present to hear me, I want to thank Batman and Robin. Once again, due to the efforts of the Dynamic Duo, Gotham City was spared a terrible disaster."

Bruce Wayne shouts over the applause, "Don't forget Batwoman and Flamebird!"

"Oh, yes!" admits the Mayor. "You are so right, Mr. Wayne. I'd also like to publicly thank Gotham City's newest crime fighters: Batwoman and Flamebird!"

Later in the evening, Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara join the mayor, Bruce, Dick and Barbara for some quiet conversation. "You know," Commissioner Gordon begins, "I'm looking forward to working with our new District Attorney. I believe Harvey Dent will do an excellent job."

"So do I, Commissioner," agrees Chief O'Hara. "With him prosecuting the case, I bet we won't be hearing from anyone called two ‘F' for quite some time!"

Meanwhile, all over town, strange late night deliveries are being made at the supposedly secret hideouts of Catwoman, The Riddler and The Penguin. For example, at The Penguin's new nest, the following scene unfolds:

"Hey, Mr. Penguin, did you order a pie?" calls one of his henchmen.

"A pie? Phaw, quack! What are you talking about!"

"Well, this pie was just delivered here . . . along with this note for you."

The Waddling Master of Fowl Play grabs the note out of his goon's hand. He reads:

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MORE OF WHAT IS INSIDE THIS PIE, SEND YOUR MOST TRUSTED EMPLOYEE TO MRS. APPLE'S BAKERY TOMORROW NIGHT AT EIGHT.

"Cut a piece of that pie!" orders The Man of a Thousand Umbrellas.

The hood does as he is told . . . and then exclaims, "Penguin! There must be about One Hundred Thousand Dollars inside this pie!"

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