Simon The Pieman

Mrs. Apple's Bakery: Gotham City's largest commercial pastry factory. It is shortly after eight o'clock at night, when a strange scene ensues . . .

Charlotte, tall, Twiggy-thin and beautiful, with long blonde hair and wearing dark glasses, is talking to a short, portly man dressed in a baker's outfit, complete with tall chef's hat. The man is Simon, sole owner of a company that sells baked goods throughout the country. His looks vaguely suggest one of Jonathan Winters' characters. Simon is carrying a rolling pin.

Charlotte: "The crew is all here, Simon."

Charlotte speaks with a Russian, or perhaps Eastern European, accent.

Simon: "Simon is ready. Come."

Simon has a sing-song voice, reminiscent of W. C. Fields.

Seated at a table in the next room are two men and a woman. These are the top lieutenants of The Penguin, The Riddler and The Catwoman. They have been sent to this meeting by their bosses after $100,000 in cash was delivered to each super villain . . . in a pie! Lured by the promise of even more money, the three sit with their backs to a wall as Simon, Charlotte and a number of other men dressed in baker's clothes enter to face them.

Desmond Doomsday: "But what's this? The beginning of a crime syndicate?"

Simon: "You're wondering about the rumor that Simon has come to Gotham to monopolize crime.
"Well, that rumor is true! Hoo, hoo, hoo!"

The three look at each other. Their bosses had heard something about a Simon coming to Gotham, but figured the one hundred Gs to be some sort of peace offering. Now, the smartest among them realizes that the money was bait. Before any of them can react, however, Simon turns one end of his rolling pin.

The wall behind the three seated criminals gives way and their chairs tip back, flipping the three of them into a round cell. As the fake walls slip away, one can see that, from the outside, their prison resembles a huge cookie jar!

Simon: "By ginger! It was a snap!"

Simon figures that without their top aides, any plans of Penguin, Riddler or Catwoman will, at the very least, be delayed.

Simon: "Now Simon the Pieman is the Kingpin of Crime!"

Simon motions his gang to huddle around him.

Simon: "We call our first caper, ‘Lady Fingers!'"

Desmond Doomsday: "Opening day of Preview Month at the Gotham City Millennium Fair . . . and in the House of Jewels, the fabulous collection of Wayne Diamonds, displayed on the fingers of lovely ladies."

Chief O'Hara: "No need for concern, Batman. I've got detectives planted in this crowd."

Robin: "Wow! Look at that beautiful model!"

Batman: "Cool it, chum. She's out of your league."

As Batman and Robin will soon learn, that beautiful model is Charlotte! and she works for the newest arch-criminal in town!!

Meanwhile, across the room, two bakers enter carrying a gigantic pie on two long poles! The pie has four candles on it. One of the men, named Strudel, speaks . . .

Strudel: "An opening day gift from an anonymous friend."

Curator: "A pie! How nice."

Batman and Robin, Chief O'Hara, the curator, Charlotte and the two bakers gather around the strange present.

Charlotte: "Wait! Before you cut . . . light the candles."

Curator: "Splendid idea."

The curator pulls out some matches and begins to light the candles. No one notices that Strudel and the other man, named Cookie, now don dark glasses that match the beautiful model's . . .

POOF!

The room lights up with a blinding flash!

Robin: "Holy Flashbulbs! My eyes!"

It is not four and twenty black birds that pop out of the pie, but instead, also wearing dark glasses, Simon the Pieman!!

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Get the diamonds.'"

Chief O'Hara: "It's a robbery! Detectives! Grab the crooks!"

Batman: "They can't, Chief! Everyone's blinded!"

Simon: "Ho, ho! Easy as pie!"

Minutes later, Commissioner Gordon receives an urgent message . . .

Commissioner Gordon: "Pastry chefs, eh? I'll be there shortly, Batman, with reinforcements."

Barbara: "You're busy, Daddy. I'll see you later."

Desmond Doomsday: "Quickly, Barbara leaves the Commissioner and . . .
assuming her identity as Batgirl, speeds to where the action is.

To avoid having to wear a wig as Batgirl, Barbara has dyed her hair red. As a result, to continue to protect her secret, Barbara has taken to wearing her reading glasses more often.

Batgirl has also decided, just for a change, to try some modifications to her costume. The dominant color is now grey, with gold gloves and boots. Her cape is now just dark blue, rather than gold and blue. The buckle on her utility belt is now a separate piece - a stand-alone Batgirl signal instead of having the emblem on an oval shield. In addition, the Batgirlcycle has been given a fresh coat of red paint.

This new-look Batgirl races towards the Millennium Fairgrounds on her motorcycle, as a bakery truck whizzes by in the opposite direction . . .

Batgirl: 'A pie truck! Maybe they're the crooked pastry chefs!'

Batgirl makes a quick U-turn and takes off in hot pursuit. Simon, driving, notices Batgirl in his rear view mirror. He motions to Charlotte.

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Pie-thrower is ready.'"

Charlotte: "Aiming coordinates. Left: two degrees. Trajectory: forty-seven."

Out of the top of the truck, a large cream pie is launched from a mechanical arm at the pursuing heroine!

SPLAT!

Batgirl: "Ummhh!"

Batgirl, her vision impaired by the pie, slips and falls in the street!

CRASH!

Batgirl: "Ugh! Truck's gone! and I'm left with pie in the face."

**********

Curator: "Batman! They took all the Wayne Diamonds."

Batman: "It figures."

Robin: "Holy Double-Cross! and that beautiful model was one of ‘em."

Batman: "She'll make a model prisoner when we catch up with ‘em. To the Batmobile, Robin!"

His vision having finally cleared enough to drive safely, Batman leaps behind the wheel of his fabulous car. Radio reports from patrolmen alert the Dynamic Duo to the route of the bakery truck. Along the way, Robin waves at their fallen comrade.

The Batmobile races by as Batgirl wipes the last of the meringue from her face. The Caped Cutie struggles to get her Batgirlcycle back in commission.

Soon, Batman and Robin see Simon's pie truck, dead ahead . . .

Charlotte: "Simon, the Batmobile is coming fast."

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Don't panic.'"

Simon whips into the parking lot of Gotham City's waterfront amusement park. The four felons abandon their vehicle.

Robin: "The pie-thons are scattering."

Batman: "Come on! After them!"

After an eventful chase through the amusement park, Simon and Charlotte make their escape in a speedboat Simon had hidden at this location just in case of such an emergency. In their haste to get away, however . . .

Robin: "They all got away, Batman."

Batman: "But the Wayne Diamonds didn't. Look!"

Robin: "Holy Solitaires!"

Batman: "I'm sure those pie-romaniacs will strike again . . . soon. Let's go home."

Desmond Doomsday: "Later . . ."

Alfred hands Bruce Wayne the Hotline . . .

Bruce: "Thank you, Alfred.
"Yes, Commissioner?"

Commissioner Gordon: "Yes, Batman. The perfidious piemen have pulled off three more robberies at the fairgrounds.
"They stole some priceless marble busts from the Greek Pavilion . . .

Dick: "Marble cake!"

Commissioner Gordon: "then they cracked the safe of the Graham Trust Company exhibit . . ."

Bruce: "Graham crackers!"

Commissioner Gordon: "and they robbed the cashier at the British Pavilion - got away with twenty thousand pounds."

Dick: "Pound cake!"

Bruce: "We'll go to work on it immediately, Commissioner.
"Obviously, Dick, Simon the Pieman can't resist pastry-named prizes. To the Batcave!"

Batman: "Now, the Batcomputer will tell us what other pastry-type treasures might tempt Simon at the Fair."

Ding!

Batman: "Toll-house cookies: Could mean the cash receipts at the entrance gate . . . and a pastry called Napoleon - probably the priceless portrait of Napoleon in the French Pavilion."

Robin: "Groovy. Let's go stake ourselves out at those spots."

Batman: "OK! To the Batmobile!"

Batman is in the Batmobile. It is parked so, while the Batmobile is hidden from view, Batman can observe the main gate. The Dark Knight speaks into his two-way radio.

Batman: "No action here . . . so far."

Robin is on the second floor of the French Pavilion, in the room next to the gallery displaying the picture of Napoleon.

Robin: "Someone's coming upstairs."

Robin hides behind a curtain. Peeking through the cloth, the Boy Wonder can see the two henchmen from the House of Jewels robbery, this time with a plump little old lady. Robin recognizes the woman from the Mrs. Apple's Bakery advertising campaigns.

Mrs. Apple: "Please remove the canvas from the frame, then stash it in the windmill on my farm. Hm, hm."

Robin closes the curtain. He whispers into his radio.

Robin: "Batman, Batman! Do you read me? They're taking it to the windmill on Mrs. Apple's Farm! The old lady looks like-"

Despite Robin's best efforts not to be heard, Mrs. Apple pulls back the curtain to uncover his hiding place!

Mrs. Apple: "Like Mrs. Apple . . .

The figure pulls off a disguise, to reveal Mrs. Apple to be . . .

Simon: "alias Simon the Pieman!"

Batman: "Robin? Robin!"

Robin: "Mrs. Apple, you're rotten to the core!"

Simon twists the opposite end of his ubiquitous rolling pin.

Shhhhh!

Gas shoots out of the other end of the pin. Robin slumps unconscious in Strudel's and Cookie's arms.

Simon: "Take the Boy Wonder with us."

Desmond Doomsday: "Meanwhile, the intrepid Batgirl has been canvassing every pastry plant in Gotham City, searching for the headquarters of the pernicious Pieman."

Batgirl: "This could be the place!"

Three bakers with guns throw open a door, getting the drop on the Female Fury! The one in the lead, named Brownie, says . . .

Brownie: "It is the place!"

At the windmill on Mrs. Apple's farm, Robin is forced to lie between two grindstones. The top one is then turned manually, lowering it to a point where the Teenage Thunderbolt is trapped!

Simon: "When the wind comes up, Boy Wonder, the grindstone will turn . . . and you will be destroyed in the flour of your youth! Ha . . . ha. A funny joke.
"Simon says, ‘Laugh.'"

Strudel and Cookie laugh half-heartedly.

Simon: "Charlotte's waitin' in the control room. Go up."

They start to leave.

Simon: "Hold it! I didn't say, ‘Simon says!'
"Now, Simon says, ‘Go up."

Robin: "Holy Hamburger! Hope the weather stays calm. Batman, where are you?"

Desmond Doomsday: "The Caped Crusader is miles away - caught in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam!"

Simon: "Ah, ha, ha! Look! Storm clouds approaching!"

Robin: "Agh! I think . . . the stone has turned on my radio!
"Batman, help! The windmill!
"Uhhh! Pinned . . . under . . . grindstone. Help!"

Batman: "Got to think of something . . . but what?"

Desmond Doomsday: "While Robin is pinned down by a grindstone, the Caped Crusader is pinned down in traffic. How long can the Boy Wonder withstand the awful grind?

"The rising wind is turning the blades of the windmill."

Robin: "Aaaa! Batman, hurry!!"

Beep! Beep! Toot! Honk! Beep!

Batman: "Where is Alfred? What's taking him so long? I've got to-"

Batman hears the whirring of blades overhead. He looks up to see - the Batcopter, with Alfred at the controls!

Batman: "Hurry, Alfred, hurry!"

Alfred: "Came as soon as I could, sir."

Alfred, wearing the same domino mask he wore on those occasions when he had to chauffeur the then under-16 Robin in the Batmobile, climbs down the Batcopter's rope ladder.

Alfred: "The Batcopter is . . . on hover."

Batman: "Good work, Alfred. Take charge here.
"See you!"

Batman climbs up the ladder to the cockpit of the Batcopter, while Alfred slips behind the wheel of the Batmobile.

Alfred: "Good luck, sir."

Soon thereafter, in the room above where Robin is being grist . . .

Strudel: "Simon, Batman is climbing into the mill!"

Simon: "Aha! Simon will rotate the blades. Full speed - now."

While below . . .

Batman: "Hang on, chum!"

Robin: "Gee, thanks, Batman! They're all up there!"

Batman: "Let's go!"

Strudel: "Simon, they're coming up the ladder!"

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Brace for takeoff!'"

Simon, Charlotte, Strudel and Cookie all strap themselves into seats. Simon throws a switch. The top part of the mill breaks away as the blades are revealed to be part of a . . .

Desmond Doomsday: "A windmill helicopter? Is there no end to the ingenuity of the perfidious Pieman?"

Batman and Robin rush out of the base of what was a windmill and race for the Batcopter. In minutes their machine has caught up to the Pieman's whirlybird . . .

Robin: "There it is, Batman!"

Batman: "Stand by to fire Bat-hooks."

Strudel: "The Batcopter's gaining on us."

Simon: "Open the flour sacks."

Strudel marches off to follow the instructions of his boss . . .

Simon: "Come back, stupid! I didn't say Simon says!"

Cookie: "They're getting closer!"

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Give ‘em the flour treatment.'"

Batman: "They've dumped flour!"

Robin: "Holy Baking Powder! That pie-thon has a recipe for everything!!"

Blinded by the cloud of white ground wheat, Batman is forced to land the Batcopter, while Simon pilots his chopper out of sight.

Soon thereafter, Simon hovers his copter over the roof of Mrs. Apple's Bakery. A retractable dome opens and The Pieman lands his craft on the helipad. The dome closes, hiding Simon's helicopter from view. The four fiends leave the dome and head for a rooftop entrance to the bakery . . .

Simon: "Strudel, Simon says, ‘You stand guard on the roof.
"‘Cookie, follow me.'"

As Simon, Charlotte and Cookie enter a huge room filled with gigantic baking equipment, the sounds of a struggle are heard.

Simon: "Batgirl! Where did you find her?"

Brownie: "She was snoopin' around so we grabbed her."

Simon: "Good, good! Let's put a little icing on this cupcake.

"Simon says, ‘Put her in the chocolate tank.'"

Batgirl is shoved into a tank which extends from floor to the some thirty-foot tall ceiling.

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Fill ‘er up!'"

Batgirl: "Chocolate syrup! A delicious way to die, but, personally, I'll take vanilla!"

From her utility belt, Batgirl removes what looks like a small square of plastic. Using a compressed air cylinder, she inflates a small life raft! She kneels on it as the chocolate continues to pour into the tank. Looking up, Batgirl sees . . .

Batgirl: "Hmmm. A tiny air valve at the top."

The valve is far too small to escape through, in fact, even to breathe through, however . . . a desperate course of action begins to take shape in Batgirl's mind . . .

Meanwhile, in the skies over Gotham City, the Batcopter is once again airborne . . .

Robin: "How we gonna find ‘em now, Batman?"

Batman: "Keep your eyes peeled for some sign of that crazy copter. I doubt if they can hide that."

In the rapidly filling chocolate tank, Batgirl floats on her raft, ever closer to the top. Once the tank is filled to the brim, Batgirl will drown . . . in chocolate syrup!

The Caped Crimefightress pulls a cylinder off her utility belt . . .

Batgirl: "Luminous powder. Air compression in here should force it out through the valve . . . I hope!"

Batgirl's plan works! The rising chocolate compresses the remaining air in the tank. Some air is vented through the valve, including Batgirl's glowing powder.

In the Batcopter . . .

Robin: "Look, Batman! What's that?"

Batman: "Beats me. Let's check it out!"

On the roof . . .

Strudel: "Simon, Batgirl released a signal and I hear the Batcopter approaching."

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Come inside, quick.'"

Strudel locks the door behind him.

Simon predicts that the Dynamic Duo will make use of a large air shaft to gain access to the building from the roof. The shaft ventilates the machinery on the ceiling which distributes the various ingredients into the different baking machines.

Simon: "Simon says, ‘Take cover.'
"We'll soon find out if Batman is a good mixer. Ha, ha!
"And as for Robin, Simon will butter him up a little."

The Batcopter lands on the roof. Finding the metal door bolted solid, Batman indicates with a wave the large rooftop vent. Batman climbs in . . .

Batman: "Wait thirty seconds, Robin, then follow me in."

Batman crawls through the air duct. He hangs, upside down, out of a chute at the end of the shaft. He looks around.

Batman: "Hmmm. Looks as if this desert factory is deserted!"

Suddenly, the chute begins to move! Before Batman can react, he is dropped into a giant mixing bowl filled with batter. In the bowl with him and the batter are the blades of a giant beater!

Batman: "If Simon turns on this beater, I'll be sliced to ribbons!"

Batman tries to crawl up and out via the blades.

Batman: "Aa-aa! No good! greased with butter!
"Go back, Robin! It's a trap!"

The warning comes too late! The chute again starts to move, this time dropping the young Caped Crime Fighter roughly into a monstrous bowl filled with butter! Strudel, who had been hiding inside the butter bowl, snaps a manacle on the Wonder Boy's right wrist before Robin can get away. The other end of the chain is attached to the side of the bowl.

Robin: "Holy Treachery!"

Simon: "Now Simon has both Crusaders. It was a . . . piece of cake! Ha, ha . . . ha, ha."

Simon climbs up a ladder on the outside of the vat to observe the bound teenager.

Robin: "You can't win, pieface. We're goin' to make it hot for ya'!"

Simon: "Wrong again, Boy Blunder! Simon is goin' to make it hot for you."

Simon backs down the ladder, followed by Strudel. The Pieman pauses at a switch, while he calls up at Robin.

Simon: "This electric heater will melt the butter in the vat . . . and soon we'll have hot buttered Robin!"

The butter begins to melt. Robin scrambles to his feet, but his green boots start to slowly sink into the softening diary product.

Robin: "You pastry-faced fiend!"

Simon: "and when Simon gets through with you, Batman, you'll be a mixed-up guy. Ha, ha!"

Simon flips another switch and the beater blades come to life!

Batman: "Got to keep moving!"

Simon: "Imagine! Batman finally beaten . . . literally as well as figuratively by Simon's beater!"

Charlotte: "and Robin sinking into the butter . . . and Batgirl in the chocolate tank. You are a genius, Simon."

Simon: "Of course! Now, Simon says, ‘We celebrate - by dancing the cakewalk!'"

By now, Batgirl has mere feet between her and the top of the tank . . .

Batgirl: "This is what I call a sticky situation. Anyone for chocolate-covered Batgirl?"

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