Title: A new beginning.

Author: Saskia Mae

Rating: PG (I think, nothing much happens, f/f relationship sugested)

Spoilers: Set in the future. Post season 4.

Summary: Someone tries to come back.

Feedback: yes

E-mail: aussieslayerette@yahoo.com

Archive: my site www.oocities.org/aussieslayerett/ any other ask.

Disclaimer: Joss owns, (and I guess I should mention Fox and WB) I just borrow. No copyright infringement intended.

Dedication: For Ice dragon, thanks for going over this for me. doing everyone a huge favor. Love ya for it.

As I walk up the path I have second thoughts. Make that about the ninth or tenth thought. Should I really go through with this? I'm no longer sure.

I looked up at the huge house. Trust them all to go in for a big house together so they can still hang out. I have been told that they have the best library in America for the unusual stuff. Possibly even the world.

I finally reach the front door. There is still time to turn back. I can just walk away, back down that path; along the road and out of their lives before they even know I came. That is what I should do.

What gives me the right to come here after all these years and disrupt them? I know they have their own homes, families, jobs even. They have lives and a future.

I don't know if anyone will even be at the house, after all no one actually lives here as far as I can find out. They just meet here and stuff. I will just see, maybe if they aren't home I could just sit down on the verandah for a while and rest.

I lift my hand to ring the bell but I can't. 'You'll never know unless you ask' the voice in my head insist not for the first time. I try to listen to it but somewhere I fail.

I slowly put my arm down. No, I thought I could but I can't. I lean forward

and picked up the bag at my up, turning around, I walk off.

I make my way down the first of the few steps slowly. Who would have thought steps would become such a problem.

I hear a noise behind me and turn my head carefully around.

A pregnant and very tired looking Tara is standing in the doorway. She smiles at me "We've been waiting for you," she says simply opening the door wider.

I'm frozen. I can't move. I was so ready to just walk away, like the other times I've tried but failed to come back. Who knew coming home would be so hard?

Home. Even if I've never been here I can tell this is where I was meant to be. Maybe if things hadn't gone the way they had I may have been the one to choose this house. It has that feeling of coming home about it.

Maybe this is partly the lack of home I've had for the last few years, but that home feeling makes me nervous. Butterflies have taken up residence in my stomach making everything that little bit harder for me.

I shake my head to clear the thoughts when I realise that Tara is still standing in the doorway. Her smile has faded and she now wears a frown. Something about the ease with which her face falls into this pose suggests that she is often worried.

I smile back at her and turn on the step and make my way over to her. Her

face lightens as she smiles at me again.

Her arms reach out to hug me as I get closer. I flinch unconsciously and the worry returns to her face.

She can't have known what I've been through, it isn't her fault. I can't

start this off with hurt, so as strange and scary as it is for me, I open my arms and hug her as best as the two of us could manage.

Her arms reach around my body and she pulls me in. I'd forgotten what this could feel like. 'Positive human contact' rattles around in my head. Where do those sorts of thoughts come from is what i'd like to know.

"They're all out" she says quietly as she pulls away. 'I, I can't go, I'm not much help at the moment" she continues resting one hand on her protruding stomach.

I nod my head still not trusting my voice. I've used it so little in the past years. 'Just another way for them to find you' was what I'd thought at the time.

I notice Tara lean forward as if to take my bag from me. I slap her hand away gently yet she still jumps. Maybe I wasn't as gentle as I meant to be. A gruff chuckle rolled out of my lips and I hear a gravely voice say "I'll take, shouldn't lift" A second later I realise it was me.

She doesn't comment on the words, only the meaning. She half smiles,

mouths a thank you, and walks inside holding the door open for me to past

through.

This is it, I'm going in. How many times have I wished I could be here

instead of wherever it was I had been? How many times had I tried to come

back? Maybe this time I would make it. There was still time to run, still

time to get out but something told me that I would make it if I just try a

little harder. Then I could try and make things right again.

Inside is amazing. Or what I can see of the inside from the entryway where I find my feet glued to the floor. Downstairs reminds me of the old school library where we hung out. That was until we all grew up, and it was blown up.

Off to the sides I can just make out more rooms, full of even more books. Somehow it doesn't smell right, not enough like old books. Not like the library used to. Maybe I'm not far enough inside. I'm sure if I pulled out a book and opened it, it would have that musty smell I got used to and dust would fly all around. Then again, maybe they keep this place in better condition than we did the school.

"I'll show you to your room, if you want that is" Tara says still all shy and quiet. I nod once. I should say something but I don't know what to say, I don't even know what would be appropriate to do, let alone say. Should I smile or ask why I have a room? Or is it just a visitor's room? I don't know. She did say they where expecting me.

I walk up the central stairs behind her. About half way up my skin tingles and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I jump back and drop to a crouch looking suspiciously around.

Tara turns and smiles at me. "Security, sorry. It won't hurt you, you've a pass to come up already"

I feel stupid as she takes my hand and leads me the rest of the way up. Nothing happens to us, we were just at the top of the stairs.

This must be the headquarters, where they all hang out and stuff. Through the large doors. I can just make out a living area like room, big comfy looking chairs and a huge television set. A kitchen is just visible in one corner. There are doors off the main room that must be private places, each door seems to look personal, and the one closest to me has a big Red Cross on it.

"So we don't have to stay at the hospital if something happens to one of us" Tara comments. She must have seen me looking. "The black door leads to your room" she offers smiling at me again.

We walk over and she opens the door for me. Why does she keep doing that?

Inside there is a simple room, large bed, plain decorations, draws, and a cupboard. "We kept it simple, didn't know what you would like. Your stuff is in the trunk"

I say thank you and it sounds more like a growl. I will have to get used to talking again if I stay.

Tara smiles and bobs her head at me again. "You have time to get cleaned up before they get back, if you want. There are some clothes in the draws, nothing fancy, but comfortable. I'll be in the main room if you need me"

The second she's gone I plop myself on the bed, it's so soft. I guess most things are soft after benches and cement floors.

The connected bathroom is big, bigger that I thought it would have been. I wonder if every room had a bathroom like this or is it just mine. I mean, they don't live here, but maybe I'm meant to.

I start running the shower. Better to have than a bath in my mind. I think I used to like baths, but not now. I'll only make the bath all dirty, and I know I don't like to be in that much water.

I was nearly drowned a couple of months back. Don't really like large amounts of water now.

As the water heats up I get undressed. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

What has happened to me? I'm not even half of what I used to be. I was never large, but now I seem to be more bone than anything else. Hair that had been let grow then ruffly hacked off around my shoulders now hangs limp and dirty. Scars run all over my body, the most noticeable goes from my left temple, across my cheek ending on my bottom lip. The bags under my eyes are heavy and somehow seem to make a bigger impression than the actual eyes. Eyes that I'm sure used to have some soul, they now stare blankly back at me.

I turn away from my reflection before I can look at the rest of me, it is only going to be the same, if not worse. Better not to look at the damage, makes it easier to forget how it happened.

The hot water running over me feels amazing, almost as if it could wash away everything. Make it all right, give me a new start.

That is why I'm here, to start again, to make up for all those lost times, for the mistakes.

I can vaguely hear voices. The gang must be here. Reluctantly I turn off the water.

The clothes were where Tara had said. To my surprise they actually fitted. A flowing top and floppy pants. Somehow they were loose and comfy but didn't make me look sick and think, well no more than I was.

I sit on the end of the bed listening. The voices had calmed from their initial loud shouts. I don't know if they were happy shouts, or ones of protest. Tara had said they'd been waiting for me, but she never said that they were wanting me back.

What if they don't want me back? What will I do then? I shouldn’t think of things like that, it isn't worth worrying about what hasn't happened, only makes it worse when it does.

A quiet knock at the door makes me jump. Tara enters carefully not opening the door all the way. She mouths 'only me' when she sees me, I must have looked nervous.

"They are waiting to see you, do you think you can do this?" she asks

"I don't know if I can" I answer honestly. I'm not sure how she understands what I said, but she does. She walks over and offers me her hand. "You don't have to go in if you're not ready, but they are all waiting to see you again, I won't let them hurt you"

I don't know why she would do this for me, but I trust her. I haven't trusted anyone since I ran, but today I trust her. So I take her offered hand and pull myself up inelegantly.

She opens the door and we walk out, she goes out just ahead and pulls me through the door behind her. Conversation in the room dies down as everyone turns to look at me.

"Hey" I say trying to sound normal. I smile but I don't think it came out right, more of a grimace than a smile. I lift my hand and wave weakly. "Um" what should I say? Here I am in their house, their clothes on my back "I hope you don't mind, Tara said it was okay to get cleaned up and stuff"

Some faces look sad, another angry, critical eyes scan my body, I don't know if they find fault or are upset, but the face turns into a frown.

I notice Dawn sitting in the corner. She isn't looking at me. I can just make out a tear rolling down her cheek. I don't know what to think about that. Is she sad I'm back, that I went, or maybe how I look?

I get a surprise as Angel walks out of the kitchen carrying a tray of food, Wesley is behind him with a tray of drinks.

"You look terrible. Why didn't you come back sooner? Would have saved me all that looking up stuff and going out to try and track you down with these guys" Anya finally pipes up with the same abandon that I remember "don't be so silly next time" she continues turning back to grab some food.

That seemed to brake the ice and other people got up and said quiet hellos.

"Come join us" Amy says moving over to make room for me on a couch next to her. She was de ratted just before I left. I would think she'd just be one of the gang by now. Who else would an ex-rat hang out with?

Sure she was a girl first, but she was a rat for a few years. That's gotta do something to your personality.

Things seem to go smoothly. Nobody asks me about why I'm here, where I was or even brings up the events that led up to me leaving in the first place.

I'm included in their conversation as much as I can be, but not enough to make me the centre of attention. Tara keeps looking over at me, I think she is making sure they don't push me too far.

I feel so strange. They are all so close. I guess that is what you get from years of working on the life and death mission that is the hellmouth.

As it gets late a couple of the people make a small group and head out for patrol saying they will call when they finish. Apparently a few people go out every night, a few people go home and the other few stay and man 'the house'. The last so that if anything happens there is always someone there To help or contact.

"Home base works better when manned, that's how we work in L.A, well, when we can" Cordelia explained to me.

I excuse myself from the group and leave to go to my room. I had wanted to sleep but I was too psyched up. I heard people leave.

When the 'patrol duty' group phone calls came I was sitting at the window looking out at the city.

I must have zoned out cos the next thing I know I feel a hand on my shoulder. That's strange, I haven't had anyone manage to sneak up on me in years. The ones that did sure won't be telling anyone about it.

I turn to again see the face I missed more that I ever would have though possible.

Tears ran down her face gracefully. Her eyes hold more pain and sorrow than I'd ever wanted to see.

"I missed you every day" my voice still manages to betray my feelings even in its current state.

She comes closer and wraps her arms around me tightly, sobbing into my shoulder.

"How could you leave me like that?" she asks. "Sure bad things happened, but we would have gotten through them, we could have made it, instead you ran, left me here"

"I can't tell you how sorry I am" I say pulling her face up so I can look into her eyes.

"Just promise me you'll stay" She sounded like a child asking for a new toy, I can't lie to her though.

"I can't promise, but I am here, and I'm willing to try" she looks down but pulls me closer.

"I never stopped loving you, you know that don't you..."

Who returned? Its up to you, all stories are different