T3 : Judgment Day Toon Talk is a production of Graham-Taylor studios. All rights reserved. Guests are the property of the Walt Disney Co and appear without permission. __________________________________________________________________________ Geary : Hello and welcome again to another in our fast paced and lawsuit provoking series where we talk with Toon Town's hottest stars. Yes, and Mirage, too. We're coming to you live from the remote mountains of Peru, where we're the guests of the Maoist Shining Path. They have agreed to harbor us and our facilities from the vengeful wrath of the Walt Disney Company in exchange for a brief anti-intellectual rant at the beginning of our show. And who better to deliver it than our very own Mirage. Mirage : Thank you. Take heart, illiterate members of the anti-intellectual army! Our victory is imminent! Um, that means soon. None of the intellectuals will be spared! All of the learned will be thrown down! The masses shall rule! Now, back to our program. Splatter : At least the rest of you will be spared, but what am I supposed to do? Morgana : I think they will also spare the chronically ugly, dear. Splatter : Stick with insulting Mirage, Morg, you're out of your league here. Morgana : Which league would that be, the League of Tammy-Faye Supporters? Camille : Hey, guys, I suggest we remember who the real enemy is here! Save it for the person who got us into this! Geary : I'd rather they just keep sniping among themselves, thank you. Morgana : Do you think the guerrillas will be able to protect us from the assassins from Disney HQ? Splatter : Not bloody likely. Why do you think he's wearing camouflage and we're wearing these tasteful vests with the big bullseyes? Camille : You mean these aren't all the rage in Paris? Geary, you jerk. Geary : Don't worry, Camille, all part of my master plan... Mirage : Can I wear disco duds? Splatter : You're the disco dud. Geary : Hey, Mirage, you know what would be really annoying? Mirage : What? I mean, of course I do, but what's your suggestion? Geary : I think it would just drive us completely nuts if you ignored us. Camille : Oh, yes, that would be truly annoying. Mirage : Really? You think so? I mean, I'm not really sure... Geary : Whew, looks like Mirage won't annoy us by ignoring us after all! Mirage : Oh yeah? Watch this! Splatter : I can't believe you people tried that. Camille : It's working, so don't complain. Geary : Look, our first caller! Welcome to Toon Talk, you're on the air! Owen : Good afternoon. My question is directed for the ladies. I'm stuck working for a pompous, dim-witted windbag who is constantly losing at everything he does, and then makes these cryptic statements about how it's all part of his non-existent master plan. Splatter : Working for a total boob? Yeah, I think we can relate. Geary : Well, Owen, maybe your boss is dragged down by some bimbo who is constantly nagging him at every turn! Splatter : Or maybe your boss is busy holding back the career of a beautiful, intelligent woman who is way out of his league! Owen : Actually, my boss's only female companionship comes from a shrieking maniac from a different species suffering from a 700 year bout with PMS. Geary : Oh, yes, now we're all starting to relate here... Splatter : Shut up or I'll rip your head off. Geary : Thanks for proving the point, dear. Splatter : Jerk. Geary : Honey pie. Splatter : Scum sucking dog. Geary : Snookie wookie. Splatter : Megalomaniacal, self-centered egomaniac. Geary : You're just saying that. Owen : About my problem... Morgana : Well, you could try talking to your boss, asking him... Geary : Yeah, yeah, yeah. What we need here is the quick fix. What you need to do is cultivate a relationship with some fanatical fan-femme who can get you a spot on your own talk show. Owen : Fan-femme? Hmmm, I'll have to give Mozenrath a call later... Splatter : Oh, yeah, like he attracts a high class of fan-femme... Camille : Look who's talking... Splatter : Oh shut up. Geary : Did I miss something? Splatter : No more than usual... Geary : Oh, look, we've already got our next caller! Welcome to Toon Talk, you're on the air. Xanatos : This is David Xanatos. Was that my flunky on the air making me look stupid? Geary : Yes, I think so. Xanatos : Ah, excellent. This is all part of my master plan, see. Yes, I may have looked foolish, but I *wanted* to look foolish. I learned something from this, and it will be incorporated into my next master plan, which I will reveal at a later time. Splatter : Xanatos, you really don't have a master plan, do you? Xanatos : Well, I mean, define master plan. Splatter : You don't really have a clue, do you? Xanatos : No. No I don't. Geary : How did you get where you are, anyways? Xanatos : I inherited my money, and get by on my good looks. Splatter : No wonder you're always losing... Camille : Did you say money? You aren't single, are you? Geary : You can hang up now, Mr. Xanatos. Xanatos : I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Graham. Geary : What do you mean you can't? Is this some kind of a threat? Xanatos : No, I've got a really fancy and expensive phone system, and I'm afraid I just don't understand how it works. Owen! Can you come in here and help me please!!! Owen : For Pete's sake, Mr. Xanatos, you've already gone to the bathroom once today! Geary : Let's just hang that up right now! Splatter : No wonder he got the nickname Number One... Geary : Cut it out, Splat. Let's just put this situation behind us. Splatter : I think that's what Owen was worried about... Geary : Now, Splatter, I'm sure Owen has the situation well in hand... Splatter : Now who's being dirty!!! Geary : That's not what I meant! Why are you always giving me such a hard time? Splatter : Perhaps you'd be happier if we dated other people? Now where did I put Negaduck's home phone number... Geary : You wouldn't! Mirage : Here you go, Splatter, I have it right here. Geary : Mirage, how could you! Mirage : This makes us even for you stealing my daily planner and writing "Be kind to orphans" in it. Geary : Some people have no sense of humor. Splatter : Hello, Negs dear? This is Splatter. Geary : Ack! Don't do it! Splatter : Sure thing, Negs, I still have that black outfit. Why don't I slip into it and sashay over to your place a little later? Geary : Ack!! No!!! Splatter : Oh, you'd rather I not wear anything at all? Anything for you, Negsy-wegsy... Geary : Splatter, what are you doing?!? Splatter : Oh, sure, I can still do that trick with my tongue. I'll be sure to limber up before I come over tonight... Geary : Splatter, you... you... how could you!!! Splatter : Oh, chill, you gullible bonehead. I didn't really call him - I had my hand on the cradle the entire time. Like I would actually date Negaduck - dating within your species is *so* bourgeois. Geary : Oh. I knew you wouldn't. Splatter : Yeah, right. Sucker. Geary : Splatter! Why do you do this when I'm always true to you! Mirage : Oh? Wasn't that Sadira I saw going into your office last Friday night? Geary : Miraaaaaage... ixnay on the adiraSnay. Splatter : Geary! Have you been dating within your species again?!?! Geary : No! I promise! Mirage, why don't you prove how annoying you are by bonking yourself over the head with this ball-pin hammer. Mirage : Lemme see that thing. *bonk* Ouch. *bonk* Ouch. *bonk* Ouch. Geary : It'd be even more annoying without the ouch. Splatter : Well, I'm waiting for an explanation... Geary : Oh, yes, the Sadira thing. Lemme explain. Morgana : This should be good. Geary : Ok, lemme think. See, I've been working on this new, elaborate project. And I was just auditioning Sadira for the part. Splatter : Tell me more about it. Geary : Ok, see, this young woman starts out life with nothing, but then gains all these magical powers, and slowly comes to understand how to use them. Splatter : And... Geary : And she eventually becomes really powerful, and learns maturity and responsibility through her adventures, and eventually comes to realize she has a great destiny before her. Splatter : And... Geary : And she goes on this epic quest to fulfill this destiny, facing many harrowing dangers, but eventually coming to know herself, and thus triumphs over all these adversities to defeat her evil half-brother and goes on to become the protector of her entire homeland. Splatter : And... Geary : And then she prances around in skimpy outfits for half an hour to celebrate. Splatter : A-ha!!! Geary : Oh, did I say that aloud? Splatter : You two-faced little twit! Somebody's going to be on the couch tonight. Geary : Of all the rotten... at least things can't get worse. Camille : Hey! That sounds like the part you had me auditioning for last Tuesday! Geary : Ah, my mistake. It got worse. Splatter : With Camille, too! Oh, the couch is too good for the likes of you! Geary : Ah yes, any minute now an asteroid will no doubt collide with the earth and land on my head to complete this perfect day. Splatter : You aren't getting out of it that easily! Geary : Oh, good, we've got another call. Now who could this be? Yraeg : Hello, Geary, it's your evil cousin Yraeg. Geary : The evil sorcerer? Yraeg : No, your other evil cousin Yraeg. The one in your merchandising department. Camille : How many evil cousin Yraegs do you have? Geary : Couple dozen. So what's on your mind? Yraeg : Bad news. Copyright infringement. Geary : What?!?! Someone is stealing my trademarks! Splatter : Ahem. Geary : Well, yes, but that's different. Yraeg : Someone is flooding the market with Toon Talk action figures. Geary : Really? We've got action figures? Yraeg : More than SWAT Kats, that's for sure. Geary : Cool!!! Do I have a Kung-Fu grip? Yraeg : I'll have to get back to you on that. Geary : Are they, um, anatomically correct? Yraeg : They're only three inches tall. Splatter : Then they've at least got you right, two-timer! Geary : Um, Yraeg, this isn't a good time. I'll call you back. Splatter : Sure you will. That's what they all say. "I'll call you back." Yeah, right, then you're left at home on the night of the prom, all dressed up and you've been stood up and... Geary : As much as I hate to interrupt your rambling, dear, we've got another caller. Welcome to Toon Talk, you're on the air! Fawn : This is Fawn Deer, Executive Officer for the Union for the Advancement of Under Utilized Toons. Geary : Unions. I hate these guys. Camille : Oh, hi Fawn. How's Peg? Fawn : Just great, Camille. She's filed a class action lawsuit against The Goofy Movie. We're expecting good things. Camille : And Pistol? Fawn : Oh, she's cute as a button! Not that anyone in TV land would know, since the moron producers kept cutting down on her appearances. Geary : Oh, great, another disgruntled, no-talent person who watches these shows and thinks they can do better with the characters than the creators. You people make me sick. Morgana : Um, Geary? Geary : Well, yes, but I really *can* do better! Morgana : And so humble about it, too. Geary : Well, my humility is one of my better qualities. Splatter : The sad part is, it really is one of his better qualities. Fawn : This call is directed at my fellow thespians, so if the management wouldn't mind leaving... Geary : Thespians? Who are you kidding? The casting couch has seen more than... Splatter : She said thespians, you moron! With a "th"!!!! Geary : Yes, well I know what that means. Um, has anyone seen my dictionary? Splatter : Honestly. I've seen eggplants with a better vocabulary. Camille : Heck, I've dated eggplants with a better vocabulary. Morgana : And how is Bushroot doing? Camille : Just fine. He's finally getting some therapy. Geary : Therapy? Trust me, doesn't work. I should know... Fawn : If the management would please move out of earshot? Geary : Fine, fine. I'll go get a snack from the fridge. Fawn : Now, I'd like to talk with the rest of you about the possibilities of forming up a... Geary : Hey! Who sucked all the filling out of my Little Debbie Rolls!?!?!? And who put the milk carton back empty?!?!? Mirage : Who do you think? And I've got more news for you - I've been drinking straight from the carton for weeks!!! How do you like that? Morgana : Ewwww, cat germs!!! Gross! Geary : Oh, small change, Mirage. You couldn't do something really annoying. Mirage : Betcha I can! Geary : Nah, it's too annoying. Mirage : Try me! Geary : Ok, I think the most annoying thing in the world is someone who actually sticks their head inside a microwave and turns it on! Mirage : Oh yeah? Heh, heh. Well watch this! *ding* Morgana : Ewwwww. Camille : I'm not cleaning that up... Fawn : Typical management. That's the same tactic Disney uses on people who won't sign their long term contracts. Geary : Oh, what are you whining about? Fawn : I'm a classically trained actress! I've done Lady Macbeth, Queen Jocasta, and Cleopatra! I was promised a chance at bigger roles if I played the role of a bimbo at the start of the season, and then I got canceled out entirely! Geary : Sounds like a personal problem to me. Fawn : Your partner muscled me out of a series! Geary : Take it up with him, then. Fawn : He's dead! Geary : Works out mighty nicely for me then, doesn't it? Fawn : We'll see who's laughing last. We've been using this call to triangulate your position! Enjoy your last few moments before joining your partner, sucker! Camille : What do you suppose she was talking about? El Jefe : Senor Graham! It's a nightmare!!! Masked men come, slaughtering all before them - men, women, children, farm animals... Morgana : Oh no! Disney's ruthless mercenary assassins! Geary : No, I'm afraid it's much worse than that. The assassins wouldn't be so ruthless. Splatter : You can't mean...? Geary : Yes, they've sent in the legal team. El Jefe : Senor, they're slapping injunctions on all my men!!! We don't know what to do! Geary : Try pretending you're all just a harmless nursery center... no, wait, that didn't work last time, either. Splatter : We've got to get out of here! Geary : Relax, everybody. It's time I let you all in on a little secret. Someone sponge up Mirage and we're getting out of here. Splatter : What do you mean? How do you intend to do that? Geary : I'll beam us back up to the mother ship, and from there we can return to my native planet of Zoltan V. Morgana : You're from another planet? Splatter : Well, it certainly does explain a lot... Geary : Yes, we're finally going to a place beyond the reach of the Disney Company. From there, we'll create dozens of tasteful, thought provoking series based on the philosophical works of cutting edge contemporary philosophy. Works that challenge the viewer, presenting new interpretations of reality, while incorporating time honored traditions of strong plots and characters. Splatter : Oh, Geary, do you mean it!?! Geary : Well, either that or we'll just go back to filming in the strawberry Jell-O pool... Until the ratings come in, stay tooned!