Toon Talk IV Ducks in Space The Crew of The Zoltan Scout Ship Hindenquack : Captain - Geary Chief Medical Officer - Mirage Chief Engineering Officer - Morgana Chief Science Officer - Camille Chief of Security - Splatter Mirage : Space. The final frontier. Join us again as we pick up our tale of quacks who have gone with the dog... Geary : Mirage! Get away from the Captain's Log! Mirage : Oh, that one's just too easy... Geary : Oh, shut up already. It's been three weeks since we left Zoltan V as crew of this scout ship. Are you ever going to get tired of leaving stupid messages in the captain's log? Mirage : I invented voice mail. Of course I'm never going to get tired of it. Camille : Zoltan V. Brrrr, don't remind me. Who would've thought a planet where everyone was exactly like Geary could exist without the inhabitants killing each other. Geary : Yeah, it was even starting to creep me out... Splatter : An entire planet where everyone just sits around watching Xena the Warrior Princess while playing cards and screaming Beefy! every time anything happens. Hard to believe you'd ever get tired of that... Geary : What? What was wrong with that? The part that creeped me out was everyone hitting on Morgana... what were they thinking? Splatter : And everywhere you go, that horrible screeching caterwaul of Belinda Carlysle. Geary : Oh my god, you're drunk!!! Splatter : She's really not that good... Geary : It's just the gin talking. You'll sober up in the morning. Mirage : You two are so boring. Hey, Camille, let's play X-Files! Camille : Ok. Agent Mirage, I'm scanning a sign of life sitting in the captain's chair, but it's got no brain!!! Mirage : It must be aliens!!! Camille : My science has failed me! It must be aliens! Geary : Oh, knock it off you two. Camille : What exactly are we doing out here, anyway? Geary : Charting out the stars. You know, the stars are actually monuments to all the toons. Stars reflect the true nature and character of the toons they are dedicated to. Camille : That's funny, I thought they were giant balls of burning gas? Geary : No, that's just the star dedicated to Pete... Camille : But I'm pretty sure astronomers... Geary : Pbbbblllttttt. Astronomers. Remember the astronomer that thought Morgana was attractive? Camille : Oh, yeah, whatever happened to him? Geary : A telescope hit him on the head and he started thinking he was the Queen of England. The sad part is, his grasp of reality is probably better than when he was a Morgana fan... Mirage : So where's my star, huh? Geary : You have to find them based on your talent. See that white dwarf star over there? The entire smurf village is crammed inside. That red giant over there? That's Darkwing's ego. I think his talent is in there with the smurfs... Camille : Captain, I'm picking up a sub-space anomaly off the starboard bow! Geary : Another sub-space anomaly?!?!?! Is that all star ships ever encounter?!?!?! Those things are so damn anno... Mirage, have you been playing with the sensor array again? Mirage : Guilty! Camille : No, wait, I'm actually picking up something this time. It looks like... a wicket. Mirage : A wicked what? Camille : No, a wicket. You know, like when you play... *DONG* Geary : What the heck was that?!? Camille : We've just had a croquet ball bounce off our outer hull. Geary : Oh no, that can only mean... Eden : Hi, guys, mind if the pigs and I play through? Camille : Eden! Hi there, union sister! Eden : Hi Camille! Did you get the latest newsletter from the Union for the Advancement of Under Utilized Toons? Mirage : You joined that bunch of losers Camille? Camille : Hey, I needed the work! Ever since bonehead over there reneged on the third season of Darkwing, the union has kept giving me acting jobs. Mirage : Like what, playing the part of the Pink Ranger at a mall opening? Camille : It paid well... Mirage : Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! That's so pathetic! I'd never degrade myself like that! Camille : Oh, does this ring any bells - "Hi, I'm a frisky little kitty because I've got Kitty brand num-nums in my wittle tummy!" Mirage : I don't know what you're talking about... Camille : I've got pictures! Who's this playing with a ball of yarn? Mirage : I was young! I needed the money! I had to feed little Mozenrath! Geary : I thought the Department of Child Services said that was the problem... Mirage : Oh, them. Geez, leave a kid in the Pit of Eternal Torment just once and they never let you forget it... Geary : Weren't you also taking bets on how long he'd survive down there? Mirage : Picky, picky. Camille : So what's new with the union, Eden? Eden : Oh, things are going great! The union got me a second appearance in Aladdin! I think it may be the start of a big career for me! Mirage : Oooh, wow, a second appearance. Pathetic. Splatter : Yeah, pathetic. Like any two-shot character ever amounted to much... Eden : You know Camille, with Duck Daze coming up, they'll be looking for duck extras soon. Splatter : And how much did you say union dues were again? Geary : Splatter! I give you all the work you need! Mirage : That's not what it sounded like last night... Geary : Stupid thin walls... you'd think the captain's quarters would be sound proof... Eden : Well, gotta run! I'll be sure to put in a good word for you Camille! Mirage : Ha. Some of us don't need help to become recurring villains. Geary : I wonder if you would have gotten that role if they knew you had lied on your resume. Camille : What?!? Geary : You didn't know? Mirage flunked remedial villainy. Mirage : I did not! I'm a great villain! Splatter : Maybe if you use Hammerman's standards... Mirage : Look at all the villainous credentials I have! I have a music box that puts people to sleep! Geary : I have vacation slides that do that. Mirage : I can give sleeping people nightmares! Geary : Big deal. Splatter gave me nightmares for weeks just by letting me see her in the morning without make-up. Splatter : Hey! Mirage : I have an obelisk that makes spooky shadows! Camille : Shadows? Cool! Can you make a bunny? Mirage : Why yes, by doing my fingers like... wait a minute! That's not very villainous! Camille : Neither are you, it would seem. Mirage : But I have this skin cream that makes you look like a hideous monster! Splatter : Nice try, but we all know Morgana looked like that before she borrowed your compact. Morgana : I heard that. Splatter : How the hell do you shut off these com badges anyway? Geary : Just be glad we locked her in the warp core. One less character to deal with. Mirage : I am too a villain! Geary : Oh, quit pouting already. Fine, you're a villain. Our chief medical officer is an evil villain. Mirage : I'm not really a doctor, but I play one on TV... Geary : Why did you choose to be the doctor, anyway? Mirage : Are you kidding? The doctor is always the most annoying character on any starship! *DONG* Camille : Captain, sensors indicate we were just run into by Wesley Crusher! Mirage : I stand corrected... Wesley : Hi everybody! Sorry I ran into you like that, but I'm now The Traveler, floating aimlessly through space. Splatter : More like mindlessly through space... Geary : You dented our space ship! How are you going to pay for that!?! Wesley : Why, with traveler's checks, of course! Splatter : Lame. Camille : Weak. Mirage : Bad. Even by my standards. Geary : Well I thought it was funny... Wesley : I'm off to drift by the beta quadrant and save the universe again. Wanna come? Geary : No thanks - I think I'll take my cue from the Trek writers and get you out of the story as soon as possible. Wesley : Ok, but take this beeper - if you ever need me, just push the button. Geary : Uh-huh. As if Mirage wasn't bad enough... Mirage : I invented beepers, you know. Camille : Captain, I'm picking up an uncharted planet off the starboard bow! Sensors are picking up a high concentration of Babeness in the area. Geary : Curious. I can sense the babeness, and yet there is something different about it. Something terribly wrong. Camille : You can sense the Babeness? Geary : I am at one with the powers of the Babeness. It flows through me, and I can sense its presence. Splatter : That's because you've got your hand in your pocket again. Geary : Why are you always on my back? Sadira never gives me such a hard time! Splatter : Sadira better not be giving you a hard anything! Geary : Nag, nag, nag! I don't know why I put up with you! Sadira is so much easier to work with! Splatter : Sadira this, Sadira that! Why don't you just go date Sadira then! Mirage : Coincidentally, the other Friday night... Geary : Shut up, Mirage! Splatter : It's always, Sadira never makes me pose in the stewardess outfit, or Sadira never makes me eat her jalapeno and motor oil souffle! Geary : Me! What about you! Negaduck never complained about wearing the tutu! Negaduck never marketed our home movies as cheap exploitation skin flicks! I'm getting a little bit tired of hearing about him, too! Camille : Guys, I'd hate to bring this up, but the planet has just launched a ship to intercept us. Splatter : Darn, and I was just getting turned on, too. Geary : What? You were! Do you mean there's a possibility we might... Splatter : Nope, it's gone now. Geary : Life is so unfair... Camille : The ship is hailing us, Captain. Geary : I sense a tremor in the power of the Babeness. It's something I haven't felt in... oh my god, it can't be!!! Splatter : What? Who is it? Geary : It's, it's, it's... Camille : They are identifying themselves as the inhabitants of plant Phanfembria. Geary : The Phanfembrians!!! They are a perversion of all that is Babe-o-liscious! They go into a berserk drooling frenzy over fictional characters! They lust after characters wearing black outfits and who are lousy villains! They waste their time doing fan art and writing fan fiction! They have no grasp of reality! Splatter : Um, Captain? Geary : Well, yes, but I'm good at it. Camille : They're still hailing us. Geary : I can't talk to them! They drive me crazy! Mirage : And I don't? Geary : Good point. On screen. Queen : This is the Queen of the Phanfembrians! Our sensors have detected obsessive fan tendencies on your vessel! Stop and identify yourself! Splatter : This is the Zoltan V scout ship, The Hindenquack. We come in peace. Queen : You are from Zoltan V! We demand that you beam down to our planet at once. Resistance is futile. Queen, out. Splatter : Why do you think they made such a big deal about being from Zoltan V? Geary : Can't you guess? Didn't you notice there were no women on Zoltan V? Splatter : Aside from the Xena merchandise, yes, I noticed. Geary : That's because 2000 years ago, the women of Zoltan V got so fed up at dealing with the maniacal habits of the males on the planet that they left to found their own planet. Legend has it that they went on to become the dreaded Phanfembrians! Splatter : You guys haven't had women on your planet for 2000 years? Certainly does explain why everyone was so cranky. Geary : Why do you think I left? Splatter : Well, what do we do now, Captain? Geary : Might as well beam down to face the music. Camille : I hope it's not Belinda Carlysle... Geary : Oh shut up. Morgana, energize. Splatter : So this is the planet of the Phanfembrians. It doesn't look so bad. But who's that pasty faced wimp whose picture is all over the place? Mirage : Hey! Don't call him pasty faced! Geary : Here come the Phanfembrians. Let's hide and see what we can learn before they capture us! Phanfembrian Flunky : They must be around here somewhere, my queen. Queen : Hmmmm. Ok, I think we should all split up. Let's put it to a vote! Phanfembrian Flunky : Do you have to split everything up? Queen : It's my job. It's what I do. Phanfembrian Seeress : My queen, perhaps I can consult the powers of entropy to find them. Queen : Very well, Chaos Wizardess, but do not crosspost outside of the entropy group or I'll have to smite you for violating the all powerful netiquette. Phanfembrian Seeress : Entropy and Chaos, hear my hex; Power of Mozenrath, object of sex, A vision I seek, across the void, Essence of Demona, always annoyed Show me now, the prey we desire, That we may smite them on a funeral pyre! Queen : Well, what do you see? Phanfembrian Seeress : I'm getting a vision of Mozenrath! He's wearing almost nothing! I think I'm going to melt now... Queen : Geez, I don't know why we bother - that's all she ever gets. Phanfembrian Flunky : Maybe we should go with the splitting up idea after all. Queen : Ok, but first we'll need the yes votes to outnumber the no votes by at least a hundred. Phanfembrian Flunky : But there's only six of us! Queen : Dare you suggest that the hallowed codes of netiquette be unobserved!?! Phanfembrian Flunky : Yeah, whatever. I think someone's posting a binary in the alpha quadrant. Queen : The bastards! They'll rot in hell for that! That's against netiquette! Phanfembrian Flunky : My queen, I'm detecting snickers of derision from behind that rock! Geary : Heh, heh. I had almost forgotten why Zoltan V made the date you guys left a national holiday. Queen : You dare to mock the Phanfembrians!?! Geary : Oh, don't look now, but I think someone's over there having fun on the internet. Queen : Fun on the internet!?! Where?!?! That's the worst violation of netiqu... hey, are you mocking me? Geary : Who, me? Queen : Sentient jerk... Geary : That's sapient!!! Sapient!!! Get it right, would you! Queen : Yank, yank... Geary : Very funny. Queen : You won't be laughing for long. Look at what's happening to you ship! Geary : What the... argh, it's been rammed! By a UPS class cruiser! It's going down in flames! Queen : Flames? Somebody contact the sys.administrator, I won't tolerate flames! Splatter : Perhaps this would be a good time for us to beat a hasty retreat, Captain. Geary : Good idea. We can escape to the hills and plot out our next move. But first we need a distraction. Splatter : I've got an idea. Gimme that beeper. Wesley : Hi everybody! Does anyone need the universe saved? Splatter : Look everyone, it's the voice of Mozenrath! Phanfembrians : *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!* Wesley : No, wait, that's the other guy... Phanfembrian Seeress : Get him! Squeeze him to bits! Geary : Now's our chance. Let's get out of here. Wesley : I tell you I'm not him! Give me my pants back! Phanfembrian Flunky : My queen, the Zoltanites are getting away! We should pursue! Queen : Ok, you pass out the call for votes, I'll post the charter to sys.config. We'll need two weeks for discussion, and a nuetral party to tally votes... Phanfembrian Flunky : Oh, geez... Is this the end of our intrepid adventurers? Will they make it off the planet alive? Will the pursuit vote pass? And will Morgana ever get another line? Stay tooned, true believers...