"Toon Talk" is a production of Graham-Taylor Studios. Guests are property of Walt Disney Co. Both are used without permission... Toon Talk 1.0: The Alternate Version Aviatrix: Welcome to "Toon Talk", where our celebrity panel gives their advice to our callers. I'm your hostess, the Aviatrix, coming to you live from the lovely seaside city of Cape Susette. With me is our panel, who is made up of the sexiest stars in the business---at least by their own estimation. Introduce yourselves, guys. (Blue smoke fills the room.) Darkwing Duck: I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the caller that hangs up when you answer! I am Darkwing--- Negaduck: Up yours. Darkwing: Hey! I wasn't finished yet! Don Karnage: Put a sack in it. Some of us would like to speak too, yes-no? Mozenrath: I'm not wearing any underpants. Aviatrix: Let's meet our first caller, shall we, boys? Hello, you're on "Toon Talk". Geary: Yeah, it's me, Geary. You know, the one who _created_ this show which you're ripping off? (Aviatrix looks embarassed.) Aviatrix: Heh, heh. So, what can our panel do for you today, Geary? Geary: Well, according to the script you sent me, I'm supposed to ask the panel if they know any of the turn-ons of the Disney Afternoon ladies. Aviatrix: Thanks a *lot*, Geary. Negaduck: Well, I know Morgana likes to be tickled with a big feather. Darkwing: Hey! How do you know that? Negaduck:Guess. (Furious, Darkwing dives at Negaduck. A fight ensues. The rest of the panel ignores them.) Mozenrath: I know Mirage purrs when she's scratched on the tummy. Karnage: Really? Aviatrix does that too. (Aviatrix blushes.) Aviatrix: Uh, we don't have to discuss that _now_, Don. Karnage: Why not? Aviatrix: For one thing, I'm not from the Disney Afternoon. Negaduck: And you're *definitely* not a lady. (Aviatrix glares.) Mozenrath: Who cares? I wouldn't mind hearing more. Negaduck: (Puts Darkwing in a headlock) Neither would I. Aviatrix: You two keep out of this! (Karnage continues, oblivious.) Karnage: Well, she also likes whipped cream and chocolate sauce on top of---(Aviatrix lunges at his throat.) ["Toon Talk" is experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.] (Everybody is back in their seats. Karnage and Darkwing are nursing bruises.) Aviatrix: Welcome back. Karnage: You didn't have to hit me so hard, yes-no? Negaduck: I don't think so. I rather enjoyed it. Darkwing: You would. Aviatrix: Oh, Darkwing, there's a caller addressed to you. (Darkwing perks up.) Darkwing: Oh, really? From who? Aviatrix: She doesn't say. It's a woman, though. Darkwing: It must be one of my millions of adoring, *female* fans. (Other panelists make rude gestures at him.) Hello, this is Darkwing Duck. Isis Vanderchill: Hi, snookums. Miss me? Darkwing: Aaaaaaaaaaa! (Dives under his seat.) How did she find me? (Negaduck looks innocent---or tries to.) Negaduck: Gee, I don't know. Isis Vanderchill: (To Darkwing) I'm feeling very chilly. Would you mind coming over and warming me up? Negaduck: Well, go on Darkwing, answer the lady. (Darkwing gingerly pokes his head out from under his seat.) Darkwing: Not now--Maybe later--'Bye! (Dives back under the seat.) Aviatrix: Darkwing, you have another call. Darkwing: (From under his seat) Tell her to *go away*! Morgana: Dark, darling? Darkwing: Morgana? (Comes out from under chair.) Morgana: How dare you flirt with other women! Darkwing: But--but--I wasn't flirting! (Panel watches with sadistic glee.) Morgana: "Not now--Maybe later--'Bye!?!" (Rest of panel now rolling on the floor, laughing.) Darkwing: Wait! I can explain--- (A lightning bolt comes out of nowhere and toasts Darkwing on the spot. Blackened with soot, he falls over. Remaining panel members claps appreciatively. Negaduck takes advantage of the situation to beat up on the remains of Darkwing. Aviatrix glares at Negaduck.) Aviatrix: Are you done? Negaduck: Just about. (Gives Darkwing a final kick.) Okay, *now* I'm done. (Aviatrix sighs.) Aviatrix: No more personal calls, okay Darkwing? (Darkwing drags himself back to his seat.) Next caller, please. (An low, rumbling noise comes over the phone line. Aviatrix is perplexed.) Aviatrix: Hello? Hello? (Rumbling continues.) Mozenrath: Knock it off, Mirage. We know it's you. Mirage: How can you tell? Mozenrath: Easy. Who else would purr instead of breathing heavily into the phone? (Mirage hangs up.) Aviatrix: We have a local call. Caller, you're on. Baloo: Yeah, the name's Baloo. I have a question about office relationships. (Karnage draws out his sword and waves it about angrily.) Karnage: Baloo! You poor excuse for an overstuffed teddy bear! Why I ought to---(Aviatrix tackles him and wrests the sword out of his hand.) Aviatrix: Go on, please. Baloo: You see, I kinda have this crush on my boss, but I don't know if I should just stay friends. What should I do? Darkwing: Go for it. Negaduck: Yeah. Sleep your way to the top. (Darkwing glares at him.) Mozenrath: And if it doesn't work out, you can always bump her off and steal her money. (Baloo hangs up. Aviatrix picks herself up off Karnage.) Negaduck: Enjoy that, did you? Aviatrix: Shut up! (Composes herself.) Aviatrix: We have a caller from New York. Yes, you're on the air. Goliath: Yes. My name is Goliath. I have a problem. I'm a gargoyle, but I'm attracted to a human. Mozenrath: Ooo... Kinky. Goliath: She's an undercover cop. Negaduck: Even better. Does she have handcuffs? Goliath: Yes. Why? Aviatrix: Just ask your question, please. Goliath: She seems to have feelings for me too, but I can't get her to show me. What should I do? Mozenrath: You've got wings, right? Goliath: Yes. Mozenrath: What you do is, you shove her off the tallest building you can find---without her looking, of course. Then you save her life. She'll be *so* grateful that she'll throw yourself at your feet. (Goliath hangs up. Aviatrix shakes her head in disgust.) Aviatrix: Mozenrath, you've _really_ got to stop scaring off callers. Mozenrath: Is it my fault they won't take good advice? Darkwing: Some advice! Karnage: For once, I agree with Mr. Bad Fashion Sense over there, yes-no? Mozenrath: Shove it, pirate breath. Karnage: Slimeball. Mozenrath: Weasel. Karnage: Bastard. Mozenrath: S.O.B. Negaduck: You call that an insult? Technically speaking, he is an S.O.B. (Fortunately, Karnage does not hear this.) Karnage: (To Mozenrath) How dare you insult my mother! Mozenrath: I call 'em as I see 'em, pal. (Karnage draws out his sword to attack Mozenrath. Mozenrath gathers up magical energy in his magical gauntlet to let loose at Karnage. Meanwhile, Negaduck takes another opportunity to punch Darkwing on the face. A brawl breaks out.) Aviatrix: That's our show for today. Toon in next week when our panel bare all for our swimsuit edition! (Looks behind her.) Assuming they survive, of course.