Witness for the Persecution Camille : Oyez, oyez! All rise, the right dishonorable High Court of Villainy is now in session! Her Supreme Injustice Splatter Phoenix presiding! May Cthulhu save this court! Splatter : Thank you, bailiff. Bring in the defendant for today's trial! Mozenrath : Unhand me, you stupid lizard! Er, duck! Whatever! Camille : Say, you're kinda cute. Make nice, and maybe I'll loosen those handcuffs. Mozenrath : This is intolerable! I demand that you release me at once! Splatter : Pipe down, you pasty faced twit! You're here to answer to the charge of passing yourself off as a villain! How do you plead? Camille : Hopefully down on his hands and knees looking up with those big doe eyes... Mozenrath : I do *not* have doe eyes! And I am *too* a villain! Splatter : I'll be the judge of that. You're in luck, because we've assigned you the most ruthless, the most underhanded, the most... annoying defense lawyer the Villain League has at its disposal. Back from her stint as Postmaster General, it's our very own... Mozenrath : No! Not her! Splatter : Mirage! Mirage : Hi everybody, sorry I'm late. Hope that didn't annoy any of you. Mozenrath, dear, how do you expect to be found guilty if you slouch like that? Sit up straight! And I think you've got some gunk in your teeth - here, let me get it for you... Mozenrath : Mother!!! Splatter : Are you ready to proceed, Mister Prosecutor? Geary : Ready as I'll ever be, oh shining beacon of babe-eousity! Splatter : That's "Your Honor." Geary : It's always my honor when I'm with you, sweetums. Mirage : I object! How come no one ever flirts with me? Camille : Because that would be like flirting with disaster... Splatter : Simmer down! This is a trial, not some sort of tawdry talk show! Geary : You mean there's a difference? Camille : Not with you writing the script... Splatter : Mister Prosecutor, present your case. Geary : Ok, here it goes. I think you should go out with me because I really like you and I've heard that you can do this amazing thing with your... Splatter : Not that case! The one against Mozenrath! Geary : Oh, right. Sure you wouldn't like to see my legal briefs? Camille : Brief being the operative word... Splatter : Careful, Camille, or I'll find you in contempt. It's my job to belittle the prosecutor. Camille : I think Mother Nature beat you to it... Geary : I object! Splatter : Overruled. That one was funny. Mirage : I object! Splatter : On what grounds? Mirage : Oh, you mean I have to have a reason? Geary : If I may direct your attention to people's exhibit A... Splatter : It would appear to be a picture of that infernal do-gooder, Aladdin. Mirage : Oooh, pictures! I've got some Mozenrath baby pictures! Who wants to see! Mozenrath : Mother! Mirage : Oh, pipe down, teddy bear. Look, here's one with Moze at his second birthday! Look, he's got icing all over him! Mozenrath : That's because you threw my birthday cake at me! Mirage : Oh, you're lucky you had a cake to begin with. Look, here's another one - Mozenrath at the beach! Look at him trying to do the dog paddle! Mozenrath : That's because you dropped me into those shark infested waters! I almost drowned! To this day I'm terrified of water! Camille : And it shows. Don't you think you could bathe once in a while? Mozenrath : Mother, make them stop teasing me! Mirage : Oh, come on dear, I can't have *all* the fun. Look, here's one with young Moze running around naked! Camille : Ooooh, lemme see! Geary : Hey, that's not a baby picture! Splatter : Not that you could tell from the size of the equipment... Mozenrath : Mother! Where did you get that one from! That girl from Australia told me she had destroyed the negatives! Mirage : Simmer down, I think the tutu looks good on you - you should wear more pink. Mozenrath : Argh! Geary : If I may direct your attention back to the picture, what do you note as the hero's distinguishing characteristic? Camille : His pulsating pecs? Geary : No, but thank you for making me lose my lunch. Splatter : You must be referring to his poofy hair. Geary : Exactly. Note the rich body, the luxurious shine, the lively bounce. Mirage : Oh, oh, look over here! You think that hair is poofy, look at Moze's! Mozenrath : Give me back my turban! Splatter : Egads, he's got the same hair as Aladdin! Camille : Ewwww, but not the pulsating pecs... Mozenrath : It's not my fault! My mother styles my hair! Geary : Oh, does she dress you, too? Mozenrath : Do you think I'd voluntarily wear that stupid sailor suit I had on at last year's villain convention if she didn't? Mirage : Hey, you were the hit of the party! Everyone couldn't get enough of you! Mozenrath : It was a villains' convention, mom! They were beating me up! Mirage : They were just playing! Mozenrath : They threw chainsaws at me, mother! Chainsaws! Mirage : Oh, wasn't that sweet? They were sharing their toys with you. Mozenrath : I was in a coma for three weeks! You call that sweet?!?! Geary : Looks like one of those chainsaw throws aimed a bit low... Mirage : I object! Splatter : Sustained. Keep those shots above the belt, Mr. Prosecutor. Geary : Very well, I'll move on to my next exhibit. Here on the table in front of you is a voice print identifier. With it, I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mozenrath is in fact a day dreaming, cross-dressing, do-gooder! Mirage : Ooooh, I can't wait! Mozenrath : Mother! Geary : Allow me to play you some brief voice samples from Ladybugs, Sidekicks, and seaQuest... Brandis : You mean I get to dress as a girl and play soccer? Cool! Brandis : Gee, I'm such a weenie loser. I wish I were a hero like Chuck Norris. Brandis : Come on, Darwin, let's save the universe! Again! Geary : You will note that the Voice-O-Matic, based on the same infallible technology that made the Babe-O-Meter possible, has in each case identified the voice as belonging to none other than Mozenrath!!! Mozenrath : That's just Jonathan Brandis! You know, the actor! It's a match because he does my voice! Geary : A likely story, but we all know your voice is supplied by Wil Wheaton. Mozenrath : Argh! You take that back!!! Geary : The prosecution rests. Preferably with his Splatter-wookums snuggled up next to him. Splatter : Not bloody likely. Mirage, your defense? Mirage : I can't help being annoying, I was born this way! Splatter : I meant for your client. Sheesh, nothing like reusing the same tired old gag... Geary : I'll have to remember that for Toon Talk Four... Mirage : Don't worry, shnukums, Mommy will make it all better. Just like she did when you couldn't get a date to the prom and had to stay home balling your eyes out about how nobody loved you. Geary : Mozenrath wanted to go to the prom? I thought he was gay. Mozenrath : I am not gay! Splatter : You're thinking of Karnage, dear. Camille : Karnage is gay? Whoa, there goes my next Friday night. Geary : Karnage is not gay! Splatter : Now who's being naive. Camille : I thought Becky told me Karnage was a real lady's man. Er, wolf. Whatever. Splatter : He spends his days trapped on a ship filled with guys! Camille : Yes, but he spends his nights on shore leave with me! Splatter : You don't mean... Camille : Yes! Kit is the love child of Karnage and myself! Geary : That would explain why me migrates instead of hibernates in the winter... Splatter : We'll save this one for a later day. Mirage, get on with it. Mirage : Certainly, Splat. Splatter : And don't call me Splat. Mirage : Certainly, Splat. I call my first witness, Destane - a notorious evil sorcerer who my very own little man overthrew and made into a mamluk. Geary : He overthrew someone evil? Sounds like something a hero would do to me. Splatter : You're on dangerous ground, Mirage. Tread carefully. Mirage : Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Heh, you know, it's funny but I said that very same thing about birth control before I had Moze. Mozenrath : Mother! You mean I was an accident?!? Mirage : Accident? No, dear, I consider you more like a plague than an accident. Mozenrath : This is not happening... Mirage : Save it for your therapist, Moze, dear. Now, Destane, isn't' it true my Moze here is really a villain? Destane : Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Mirage : Speak up, dear, we can't hear you. Destane : Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Mozenrath : Mother, he's a mamluk! His lips are sown together!! Mirage : Oh, dear. Then I guess I have no further questions. Geary : Allow me. Destane, I contend that Mozenrath is a lily-hugging, puppy-petting, Barney-loving do-gooder. If you disagree, please say so now. Destane : Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Geary : Let the record show Destane did not disagree with the prosecution's contention. Mirage : Hey, he's good! I wish I had thought of that! Mozenrath : Mother, do something! Call Xerxes to the stand, he'll vouch for me! Mirage : Mozenrath, you know how much your mother likes sushi, right? Mozenrath : Mother! Did you eat my familiar?!? Again?!?! Mirage : I couldn't help it, he was so tasty! Mozenrath : Argh! I'm doomed! Mirage : I still have one trick left up my sleeve. I have here defense exhibit A, a glove of magical power so incredibly evil, it eats away the hand of any who dare wear it! I gave it to my Moze for his fourth birthday. No, wait, that was the year I gave him the Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy kit. It must have been his fifth birthday. Splatter : Get to the point, Mirage. Camille : This is Mirage we're talking about. When does she ever have a point to get to? Mirage : Hey, I have a point here! Point. Heh, that reminds me of an amusing anecdote about pencils. If I may ramble for a moment... Splatter : No, you may not. Mirage : Oh, alright then. All we have to do is see if the glove fits Moze's hand and it'll prove he's evil. Mozenrath : Mother, you're a genius! I could kiss you! Mirage : Not now, dear, that's considered criminal in these parts. Maybe later when we're in Alabama... Splatter : Very well. Mozenrath, try on the glove. Mozenrath : With pleasure. This will show you how stupid this all wa... What the?!?! It won't fit!!! Geary : Let the record show the glove is clearly too small for Mozenrath's hand. Mozenrath : Mother!!! What have you done?!?!?! Did you machine wash my glove again?!?! I *told* you only to dry clean! Geary : Yeah, right. Say, you don't happen to drive a white Bronco, do you? Mirage : Whoops. I guess I goofed. Mozenrath : That did it, I'll defend myself! I'm invoking the Karnage Corollary! Splatter : An interesting defense. Proceed. Mozenrath : First, I need a volunteer good-guy from the courtroom. Morgana, if you'll do me the honor. Morgana : Oh, you mean I get a speaking line in this production? Joy. Mozenrath : Ok, Morgana, you are known as an incompetent bungler when it comes to magic, in addition to the fact that you are legendarily ugly. Morgana : Whee. I can't believe the things I go through to get a pay-check. At least I get more to do than in Toon Talk Three. Geary : Will the witness quit griping about her lack of screen time and get on with it? Mozenrath : Since no one disputes Morgana's lack of competence, I will proceed with my demonstration. At the count of three, we will attempt to blast each other. One... two... three... *ZAP* Splatter : Let the record show, Mozenrath was fried. Mirage : Hey, I get it! The Karnage Corollary states that a villain will always lose against a good guy, no matter how much the villain outclasses the hero! Mozenrath lost! In fact, he always loses! This proves the case! Geary : Could have been coincidence. Morgana, let's try again. *ZAP* Splatter : Let the record show, Mozenrath is now a smoldering heap. Geary : Still could be coincidence. Try dropping an anvil. *THUNK* Splatter : Let the record show, Mozenrath is now a flat, smoldering heap. Geary : Well, still could be luck. How about a wall of spears? *THWACK* Splatter : Let the record show, Mozenrath is now a perforated, flat, smoldering heap. Geary : Well, I guess that'll do. But as long as we've got him here, how about trying a giant blender, Morgana? Splatter : The court finds the defendant guilty of being a villain. He is condemned to a never ending life of being thwarted in his evil schemes and being chased for all eternity by drooling fan femmes. We now go on to our next case, Peg and the Union for Underutilized Toons versus The Goofy Movie...