sha + gojyo
(ii)

gojyo hates. gojyo is in agony over a past he can never change. his mother almost killed him, his mother hates him, his mother had affair with his brother. sad things to experience and live with. a mother's hatred, the type of life i would hate myself if it were mine. never belonging, never loving his brother for the jealousy. this makes gojyo react in violence, and harbour incredibly violent feelings. his weakness is his mother's memory and this drives him nuts. disconcentrates him, makes him falter. well, who wouldn't if they remembered flashes of their mothers trying to hurt them or being killed? i think this aspect of gojyo makes him very childish and vulnerable. he can be quiet and introverted at times, totally sucked into himself. as if someone had trapped him in a box. at times, one looks at him and cannot read him. what does he mean, or need? seems any time he may rush away and curl up in a tiny, tight ball, and cry. however, gojyo covers up quickly. he puts on a fake smile hastily, and is quick to make some joke or act sexy or obnoxious in order to push away the hurt. the cigarette can be a cover for this, as i said. yet, this cover also slips -- as seen when he first meets his brother, after so long, and his cigarette falls off. there goes his cover. slip. look out, gojyo. here comes pain.
 

pain.pain.pain.
 

gojyo equals pain. seems sanzo should be my most favourite character in this manga. sanzo is voiced by all time super cool seki toshihiko, voice of knight from crashers and duo from gundam wing and bleed kaga from cyber formula, characters i've been close to. yet, sanzo lacks pain. well, the levels of pain i find attractive. gojyo is pain, built by pain. somehow more attractive. i relate to his pain. i understand what it must feel, having had wonderful parents and a lovely mother. i can begin to see why he would be so sad and shocked at never being in his mother's loving embrace. "i never wanted you" or "i hate you" must be terrible words to hear, as a child, as an adult. wretched living. to me, pain and drama are the most wonderful topics: human drama. lost parents. families without love. children abused. trauma. topics that make me cry or get melancholic. the drama reminds me of my happiness, puts me in other people's shoes, adds a sense of ok-ness to my mind. do i go too far with this? after all, it's just characters in a manga, you might say. am i some masochistic psycho? no matter. to me, characters in any book create reflections. gojyo is no different, and i connect to him. he is interesting.
 

i pretend i am gojyo. whenever i connect too deeply with a character, i pick up traits from him. or is it that i express hidden traits? interesting theory of mine: do you pick a favorite character because you admire his traits or do you choose him because his traits are a part you? are characters you find alluring hidden aspects of your personality? when you find yourself dressing and acting like them, are you revealing your alter ego? in my mind, i am gojyo. ok. now i am nuts, you might say. i hide into alternative personalities like he does. i put on a fake smile, fake walk, fake mode -- lady killer -- just to hide who i am. the terrible aspects of my persona, the things i wish to keep hidden, stay hidden until they face me. take me by surprise and hurt me. the hurt makes me angry, makes me cry, and then i get violent. i'd never kill or hurt anyone, but i do feel violent ideas and pain inside. gojyo. to watch gojyo makes me less lonely, less violent, less lost. does it make sense to you?
 

hakkai and gojyo belong together. my best friend, and fellow team bonet keeper of this shrine to saiyuki, who 'plays' hakkai, he agrees. hakkai and gojyo. they're like shields to each other. they hide in each other. they share secret, speechless glances. it's not like the far-reached ideas some people adhere to in gundam wing and its eclectic, fake pairings. not to say my ideas are gospel. nothing i ever say is gospel. transition.
 

hakkai and gojyo share a chemistry. they compliment each other in their silence. perhaps the pain they share in the past -- a violent, traitorous mother and a dead sister -- unites them. i like that. the way they connect, like two wet, slick bodies rolling into each other as vaseline. it's rather cute, in my eyes. two perfectly grown men, each with masks and a cool-hip attitude, manage to somehow bond and share a secret, quiet relationship. amazing.
 

of course, if you think no one in saiyuki is gay, you're ok too. it's just our opinion. however, if you think gays are horrid depraves, you need to think about your way of thinking, and you need to study why you might think this way. you might learn great things about yourself and life. thinking. try it.
 

peculiarities. strangeness. peculiar how his hair becomes transparent around his eyes so we, the readers, can see his eyes. i like his nose. two, tiny specs in the centre of his face. his weapon is killer. literally. i can picture this huge knife slicing and hacking in a torturous way. suits a man who was hurt and cut to pieces -- emotionally -- by his family. his suiit? not the best. the blue jacket he wears most often is not my toast with butter. neither is that white, wrinkled shirt inside it. the long, glossy black leather shirts he wears are better. the snaking scars on his face, wicked. once, i drew these on my cheeks, and discovered just how freaky they are. are they scars? or just paintings? how did they come to his face? we know they are the marks of a taboo child born from a human and a demon. yet, are they deep, emotional cuts in his face? seem like crevices, to me. wickedly interesting.
 

mustn't get side-tracked.
 

or did i say everything i meant to say about gojyo? i think i can go one forever. he's too special to put into a simple article in a shrine. to speak of him is to try to put myself down into words. he's that cool. is he your favourite character too?
 

pass me a cigarette?
 

light. click.
 

when you search deep into a character, you find aspects of yourself you think scare you, and you find a sort of peace. a fantastic ambivalence.
 

drag. smoke.
 
 

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