***Note: I was really skeptical as I wrote this, due to the fact that I was totally recreating the characters. Carol, shy? Come on. Anyways, thanks to Emily for her encouragement, ideas, advice, editing--the works. So, thanks so much, Emily!
***This is set at a time, well, before everything. Carol is incredibly shy, timid, has low self-esteem. Doug is a gentleman, in pursuance of Carol, to no avail... Forgive me for doing a practical 360 on our dear characters Doug and Carol (but more Carol)! Enjoy.

Alone in the Shadows

She is the pretty, young, quiet nurse with the dark, curly hair. She does her job, and never complains. Come to think of it, she barely speaks. And when she does, it's always about the patients.
Doug Ross is in love with her. He's tried everything to pursue her, but to no avail. Carol Hathaway doesn't seem to care. He often stares at her from afar, and wonders what it will take to make her love him. He has absolutely no idea, and Carol isn't being much help either. What he does know, however, is that she appears to be timid, unconfident, and seems to have a sad ambience about her. Doug's heart aches when he sees her frustrated and sad.
One day, Carol is silently on the computer when Haleh comes in through the doors and says to her, "Carol, I think the repo guys are after your car."
Carol jumps off her seat, says quickly to Haleh, "Thanks," and runs out the swinging doors, through the ambulance bay, and onto the sidewalk, where she stops in her tracks. Sure enough, the repo tow truck is towing her car away.
"Excuse me, this is my car. You can't tow it away," she says.
"Miss, your payments are three months overdue. Sorry, I can't help you. I just do the towing."
Carol is frustrated. "But…But I thought my payments were….No, I know I have two more days to make my payments. I'm sure of it. Please, don't tow it away."
The driver looks sympathetic. "Sorry, miss. I have to follow my orders. If you really do have time left before you must pay, you can go tell them. If there has been a mistake, you will get your car back. But for now, I'm very sorry."
All Carol can do is watch as her car is being towed away. She is now annoyed, frustrated, and feels useless. Sauntering back to the ER, she sighs, and drops down into the couch in the lounge, closing her eyes. "Damn," she whispers under her breath as she fights off the urge to cry.
"Are you alright?" a voice asks.
Carol's heart starts beating quickly. She knows his voice. She knows it when he is ordering a dose of morphine for a child; she knows it when he is laughing and joking around with some staff members; she knows it when he tries to talk to her. Carol doesn't know what to say to Doug right now. She is still angry and frustrated about her car being repossessed, and isn't thinking clearly.
"I'm fine," she consequently says, harshly.
Doug looks at her in confusion. Why is she so visibly mad? What has pissed her off? He wants to help her if he can, but doesn't know if she'd accept his help. She never really talks to him, except about patients. But he's never heard her speak this bluntly. Doug just stands there, bewildered.
Before Doug can gather himself to speak, Carol disordered, just says, "I don’t…Just…just worry about your own sorry self, first!" Then she gets up and runs past Doug, her arm grazing past his, and leaves the lounge.
"If that helps you let off some frustration, Carol, then just go ahead and insult me." He sighs sadly, and hopes that Carol will be happy again, soon. Well, as happy as he's ever seen her.
~~~
Hours later, the chaos in the ER has died down, and they receive a much deserved break. A group of staff members are lounging at the admit desk, gossiping.
"So, who's got a love life they'd like to share details about?" Lydia asks.
"How about you, Randi?"
"Nah. What about Dr. Greene?"
Doug comes up from an exam room and stops nearby when he hears the excited conversation of the ER rumour mill. He is curious, and listens.
"So, have you guys noticed any developments in the major crush Doug has on Carol?"
"Nah…I wonder if he's given up on her. The poor guy. She doesn't seem to acknowledge him."
At this point, Carol comes up from the opposite direction. She stops to listen, when she hears her and Doug's names. Doug and Carol do not see each other yet.
"Speaking of that, Carol doesn't seem to really acknowledge anyone. It's like she's got some major attitude problem, like she's too good to be friends with us. I mean, what's with the silent treatment she practically gives us? Or maybe…maybe she's just out of it. Like, spaced out half the time. It's a miracle she hasn't killed anyone yet…"
When Carol hears this, she feels the tears collect in her eyes. Wanting to get away immediately, she starts walking quickly, looking down at the ground. Then she bumps into Doug.
He catches her, not wanting her to fall. When Doug gets a chance to see who has bumped into him, he realizes it is Carol. She looks up briefly after Doug releases her from his hands, and when she is met by Doug's concerned, sad eyes looking back at her, she quickly lowers her head again, and mumbles a soft, "Sorry." She heads past Doug, and makes her way to the med room.
Saddened by the sight of Carol's teary eyes, he just watches as she walks past him. When he sees her close the med room door behind her, he decides to follow her.
Inside, Carol cries, her body trembling as she leans forward against the shelf. She really is disliked by everyone. She never meant to be rude or mean to them. She never strikes up conversation with anyone because she doesn't have the confidence, and she doesn't think anyone would want to talk with her. He tries to talk to her, though. And she really wants to talk with him. She has so much she'd like to say.
"I'm sure they didn't mean what they said just now," he says from behind her.
Carol gasps, quickly wipes her eyes, and then turns her head. "Uh…no, it wasn't….wasn't that," she says nervously, avoiding his eyes.
Doug carefully asks, "Are you okay? Is--Is there anything I can do? You just, you seemed a bit frustrated earlier."
She wants to pour her heart out to him, but she stops herself. No. She has to deter him. Carol can't allow herself to lead Doug on. It's for his own good, she assures herself.
Forcing herself to sound annoyed at Doug, Carol says, "No. No, there's nothing that, that you could do." Then she painfully walks away, leaving Doug standing in confusion and dejection, looking extremely hurt.
Outside the med room, Carol leans against the wall, and goes limp, slowly falling down into a crouch. She buries her face in her hands and doesn't bother fighting the tears of anguish. "I'm so, so sorry…"
~~~
The next day, Carol has a midnight shift, while Doug doesn't get on until dawn. Carol is quiet--and shy--as usual. She checks on a young patient's condition, and then has to report to a pediatric fellow, by the name of Tom Gallows. He and Doug, and another pediatric fellow usually alternate their shifts. Gallows had asked Carol out soon after he arrived at County, but she had rejected him. Because of this, he insults and antagonizes her at every opportunity he gets.
Carol sees him lying on the couch in the lounge, and goes in. She says fearfully, "Could you please order some more meds for the boy in exam 2?"
He is startled, and grabs the chart from Carol's hands. He writes down the orders and shoves it back at her abruptly. Then he says coarsely, "Now leave me alone, you ugly b!tch."
She winces at his insult, and leaves instantly. I really am ugly… Suddenly, Carol stops in her tracks as she has a flashback of her and Doug in the lounge yesterday. She had been annoyed at her car being repossessed, and Doug had asked her if she was alright. She had said she was fine, and then she insulted him.
Carol's heart breaks. She hadn't even realized that she hurt his feelings yesterday, because she had been so preoccupied about her car. Carol thinks about how awful she felt when some staff members had insulted her yesterday, and how she always felt when Tom Gallows insulted her ruthlessly. "Oh God, I….I'm horrible…" she whispers to herself.
~~~
At 6 am the same day, Doug arrives, fatigued, one hour early for his shift. He is updated on the pediatric patients by Tom Gallows, before heading to an empty exam room to nap. Doug yawns and thinks about the five hours that he just spent pulling an all-nighter to finish his pediatrics research paper. He pushes open the door, turns the light off, and lies down on a gurney. Doug relaxes his body, but doesn't close his eyes.
He is called to attention some time later--Doug doesn't know how long--by a quiet voice saying, "I'm so sorry, Dr. Ross…"
His heart jumps. Only one female calls him 'Dr. Ross', and he'd know her voice anywhere. Sitting up and searching the darkness for her, Doug spots her partially hidden by the curtain. Carol is avoiding looking into his eyes, and clings on to the curtain nervously. He doesn't want to scare her off, since this is the first time she has initiated a conversation with him. Doug says softly, "Sorry? What've you done wrong, Carol?"
She shakes her head sadly. "Don't call me Carol. I'm just a nurse. I shouldn't be called anything except Nurse Hathaway. Especially," she says, pausing momentarily, "…especially by doctors."
Doug's heart is beating rapidly. Carol is talking to him. Finally. "I, uh…alright. Whatever you prefer."
There is silence, and Doug watches Carol brush a dark curl away from her cheek. He longs to be the one to do that for her. He waits patiently for her to speak.
"I--I'm sorry. I was wrong, Dr. Ross. If you want to file a complaint against me, I'll understand," Carol says softly.
He is baffled. "Complaint? Why? What did you do?"
Carol hesitates. She is ashamed, yet extremely melancholy at the same time. "I snapped at you earlier, and…..and I insulted you, too. I--I know I'm in no position to even think of doing anything like that. I'm s-so sorry…" She lowers he head, afraid to look at him, her lip quivering, threatening to allow a fit of crying to escape.
"Ca---Nurse Hathway," he says, correcting himself, "don't worry about it. I didn't hold them against you." Doug really doesn't blame her for anything, and wishes that she wouldn't blame herself like this. He's just happy that Carol is talking to him.
"But I've done it so much to you, and I know how it hurts to be insulted, I…..It was so selfish of me. You tried to help me and I was so rude and I, I'm so sorry…"
"It's alright, really. Don't trouble yourself over it. I'm not mad at you, and I never was. After all, how could I? You're so beautiful and-----" Doug stops speaking suddenly, when he realizes what he has just said.
Carol freezes when she hears this, and when she partly recovers from the shock, she stammers, "I…I've g--got to go….the sup--supplies are coming…..they're coming in today, I…I'm…" She stops talking, looks briefly at Doug, and hurries away.
Doug calls out, "Wait--"
But she is already gone.
He sighs, replaying what has just happened. Carol seems scared of him. Doug wondered if he really was that horrible. He looks at the door briefly, then closes his eyes and lies back down.
~~~
When Doug goes into the med room, a day later, he inadvertently kicks something with his foot. Bending down, he picks up a small day planner. Opening it to the bookmark, Doug finds an entry, written in an impeccable script. Curious, he reads.

Getting insulted really hurts. Of all people, I should know.
I apologized to him while he was in an exam room. I just hope I didn’t wake him up. He looked awfully tired when he came in for his shift.
Stupid me, I must’ve come across as useless, to him. He called me Carol, and my heart literally stopped. But I told him I was only worthy of being called Nurse Hathaway. He’s so wonderful, he said he wasn’t mad at me for how I treated him. Then he said I was beautiful, and stopped talking.
I ran out of the room, mumbling a lame excuse. I wonder what he thinks of me? That I’m beautiful? That’s a joke. I’m ugly.
Supposedly he wants to go out with me. I’ve rejected him so many times, but he doesn’t seem to be deterred. I don’t know what it takes to make him quit. I don’t even think he likes me one bit. There must be a different reason for him trying to get a date with me. All I’m sure of is that I can’t…
Oh, if only I could tell him how I really feel. But I can’t. I know I’m in no position to be in love with him. I’m nobody, and he’s a doctor. Dr. Ross. Doug Ross. I’m hopelessly in love with him, and it hurts to have to reject him, when what I really want is to tell him "Yes, yes! I love you and I want to go out with you!"
But it all comes down to this: He’s a doctor, and I’m just a nurse. We could never be together. I wouldn’t be worthy of being with him. He’d probably be ashamed to be associated with me. But I can’t help but love him. He’s such a perfect man—he’s kind, caring, smart, successful, honest, devoted……he’s so handsome, but doesn’t use it to his advantage either. And he wouldn’t love a plain, useless, incompetent little nurse like me, would he?
I guess all I’m left to do is dream, wish, hope......And I’ll just have to settle for secretly gazing at him……

Doug is in shock. So these are Carol’s words? "She loves me…?" he says in disbelief, uncertainty, and sheer happiness. Doug is ovewhelmed. There is hope for the two of them now. He thinks about Carol; she is beautiful, intelligent, warm, kind, compassionate...... He could make the list go on and on.
Queitly, Doug says, "Carol, I will show you that I’m not worthy of being with you, but I’m willing to try. I’ll show you just how wonderful you are. I’ll show you we can make it together. I’ll show you how much I love you…" Doug grabs the prednosine he needs for a patient, and hurries to find Susan.
Susan is one of the people who tries to be friendly with Carol, and whom Carol sometimes talks to. She also knows how Doug feels about Carol. "Susan, Carol must’ve dropped this in the med room. Can you return this to her, but pretend that you found it? I don’t want her knowing that I had it."
"Alright, Doug. But you owe me, big time. Keep me posted, ok?" Susan says with a smile.
"Thanks, Susan. You’re the best." Doug says.
"I know, Doug. I know," she says laughingly. Doug laughs too. He knows he can depend on Susan.
~~~
Susan finds Carol frantically searching the lounge for something. She comes up to the table, and says, "Carol?"
Carol spins around, startled. "Hi, Dr. Lewis," she says softly.
"Looking for this?" Susan says, holding out the day planner. She notices Carol’s relief at the sight of it.
"Where did you find it?" Carol asks her. She gently accepts the little book from Susan’s hand.
"Oh, in the med room."
Carol lets out a small sigh of relief. At least Doug didn’t find it and read what she wrote yesterday. If he ever did, she’d die of shame. "Thanks so much, Dr. Lewis,
she says.
"You’re welcome…….Tell me, how do you feel about Doug Ross?"
Carol goes pale, and is worried that Susan read her day planner. "I…uh…did you…did you read my…."
Susan shakes her head. "No, I didn’t read it. Don’t worry. It’s just pure speculation, cause you’ve noticed how he pursues you, haven’t you? I was just wondering."
"I…oh, I…..no. I just…..I reject him…"
"Oh, ok. Well, take care of that book of yours, Carol. I’ve got to go check on some patients, so I’ll see you later, ok?" Susan leaves the room. Does Carol really not love Doug? She shrugs, and heads to the trauma room.
~~~
Now that Doug knows exactly how Carol feels, he starts to feel a bit shy around her. He gazes at her from afar, when she is bandaging a patient. Doug says to himself, "She’s so beautiful…..And she loves me."
Then Carol looks in his direction and sees that Doug is looking at her. She immediately looks back down at the patient, and at the same time, Doug turns the other way. This secret-admiring-from-afar happens several times during the next few days.
One day, Doug and Carol are the only ones at the admit desk. There is an awkward silence among them, until Doug says cautiously, "Uh…N-Nurse Hathaway? What…..what have we been doing the past few days? I mean…" His voice trails off.
Carol becomes even more nervous, and starts to gather her clipboard and papers. "I..uh…I'm sorry for any trouble I caused you, Dr. Ross." Then she hurriedly walks away, leaving Doug to watch her in frustration.
~~~
Hours later, on the same day, Doug is sleeping in an exam room, during a lull in the ER. Carol quietly slips into the dark room, and stands by the bedside. She watches him sleep, and gently brushes her hand against his cheek. I wish I could just show you how much I love you………But I can't…It's better off for you… She backs away slightly, and just watches Doug as he sleeps peacefully and unknowingly for the next 10 minutes.
When Carol notices Doug shifting on the gurney and starting to wake up, she gets scared that he'll see her there. She quickly runs to the door, knocking over a small box of latex gloves in the process. Not wanting to leave a mess, Carol turns around, crouches down and hastily picks up the box and places it back on the counter. Then she runs out again, hoping Doug doesn't see her.
Doug, sitting up wearily in the exam room, thinks about seeing Carol run out of the exam room just now. How long were you in here, Carol? he thinks, puzzled.
He sighs in resignation and lies back down again.
~~~
"Hey Doug, early for your shift, again?"
"Yeah. Just like yesterday, Mark." Doug says, looking through the doors into the ER. He catches Mark's rebound from the basketball net and sinks in a three-pointer. "Where's Carol?"
Mark doesn't answer, and Doug prompts him. "What's happened to her?" He falls silent for a moment before answering. "I think you'd better find out from her yourself, Doug."
Doug is worried now, and says, "Where is she?"
"I don't know….I tried persuading her half an hour ago, but I don't know where she went after that."
"I'll talk to you later, Mark," Doug says, running through the doors.
"Good luck, Doug. And for heaven's sake, Carol, talk to him…"
~~~
"Doug, have you heard?" Susan says urgently to Doug as she spots him coming in.
"Where's Carol?" he asks.
"That's exactly it. She's resigning as head ER nurse here, and she's asking to be transferred. Doug, you've got to---"
"I've got to go tell her. Where is she?" Doug's heart is beating rapidly.
Susan points to the elevator area. "I think she was heading to Anspaugh's office. Hurry, go, Doug!"
Doug throws his coat to Susan, who catches it, and runs to the elevators. Carol isn't there, so Doug heads up the stairs, all the way to the third floor. He turns the corner, and finds Carol walking slowly down the hall to Anspaugh's office. He comes up to her, and wraps his arms around her from behind. She gasps, and realizes it is Doug.
"You can't leave County. You can't…" Doug pleads.
Softly, Carol says, "I have to. I can't stay here. I haven't gotten along with anyone…I've done too much to you." She starts crying. "I'm in no position to treat you like that. I'm so sorry…." Carol tries to escape from Doug's embrace, but he hugs her closer. "If you leave, I won't be able to survive coming to work everyday and not seeing you here," Doug says.
"It'll pass in a week." Carol continues sobbing, and her tears fall on Doug's hands. "It's better for everyone if I'm gone."
He gently wipes her cheeks, and says, "I can't let you leave. I…" He pauses. "I found your day planner. I didn't mean to, but I read what you wrote about….about me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so nosy, but I…" Doug, ashamed, stops talking.
Carol goes limp, as she is crushed by this news, and is extremely embarrassed. "So you know everything now," she says, surrendering. Doug is silent behind her. Carol knows he won't say anything more, so she pulls away from him and starts walking again. Her heart aches as she knows that she was just so close to Doug, but now, though it's for the best, they'll be apart forever. Carol brings a hand up to her cheek and can still feel Doug's hands wiping away her tears.
Doug can't let Carol just leave. He has to tell her what he needs her to know. Seeing her make her way away from him, Doug reaches out in desperation, grabbing hold of Carol's arm, and says, "I love you, Carol. And you aren't an incompetent, useless little nurse. You aren't ugly. You are worthy of being with me, but it's more like I'm not worthy of being with you, Carol. But I'm in love with you, and I can't get you out of my mind. Don’t think so lowly of yourself. Have some confidence, Carol. You're wonderful."
Her heart skips a beat, and Carol stops walking, letting Doug's words sink in. She turns around and shyly looks at him for a moment, before looking down at Doug's hand still gently on her arm. Carol says nothing at all.
He isn't mocking her. He really looks and sounds like he means it. He loves me. Carol realizes that she can't keep discouraging herself and thinking lowly of herself anymore. She also knows that she can't suppress her love for him any longer. She finally feels confident enough to face him.
Doug waits for a response from Carol; rejection, acceptance, shock--anything. He stands there, watching her patiently and anxiously.
Cautiously, slowly, surely, Carol looks into Doug's eyes and says, "I…I love you, too….Doug." When she sees him smile at her, Carol smiles back.
"Your smile…You're so beautiful, Carol," Doug says. He hugs her tightly and warmly, and she puts her arms around him.
"Thank you for giving me confidence in myself, Doug. Thank you for everything. I really love you." She puts her hands on the sides of his face, and then kisses him.

A sequel, possibly? Why was Carol so unconfident? What exactly is the story behind her? A traumatizing incident? A flash with death? Will Doug ever find out the truth behind her? Who knows? possibly a sequel...I'll sit on this idea for a while...