**ok, I borrowed a few details from ‘Fathers and Sons’ like the California part, car crash, other victims besides Doug's father...
**and I have no idea what the time differences are
**this is, let's say, 6-7 years after their break-up, and NO they haven't become close
**I don't know why exactly they broke up, so I made my own 'reason', and I made up the date on which they broke up
**I'm fuzzy on those organization stuff. Yes...fuzzy...

The Box

Doug had received the call at work, just when he was about to go home after pulling a straight 36 hours with no sleep.
"Doug Ross speaking. "
"Dr. Ross? This is the California Police Department. It's about your father…"
---
Carol stepped into the admit desk area and nearly went flying after tripping on something on the ground.
"Jesus Christ, what, are you trying to kill me?! " she said, annoyed. She bent down, and picked up a basketball, the culprit. Looking at Doug who was still on the phone, Carol, who was visibly pissed, tossed the ball to Doug and walked away. Down the hall, she sighed and said quietly to herself, "Doug Ross……you totally forget about everything when you're on the phone with a lady, don't you? "
---
Meanwhile, Doug, on hold with the CAPD, watched Carol walk down the hall and thought, I'm sorry, Carol. The police officer came back on the line. "Hello? Dr. Ross? "
"Still here, " Doug said, wearily, looking down at the ball in his hands.
"Thanks for holding. Uh, we'd appreciate it if you could find a way to come identify the body? It's standard procedure. Since it seems you're the only relative of the deceased…"
"How long do I have to come down there? It might take me a while to set my shifts. " Doug looked around for Kerry, but didn't see her.
"Well, as soon as possible would be best. Perhaps by the end of the week? I'm sorry for the inconvenience, " she said.
Doug looked at his watch. "No, not a problem. "
"Alright then, I'll give you the address of the CAPD headquarters, and when you come down, ask for me. My name is Detective Carolynne Sachas, I'm the one in charge of this case, along with my partner, Detective John Gioli. Just ask for either one of us, ok? "
Doug's ears perked at the detective's name. He had thought that she said ‘Carol’ but it wasn't. It was ‘Carolynne.’ Doug sighed. He reached for a pen and paper and wrote down the two names. "And the address? "
Sachas gave the address, and said, "I'll see you when you come down. "
And the phone call ended.
---
What was he going to do about everything? Just leaving things in Chicago to go down to California for who-knows-how-long wasn't the most convenient thing. He now had to push all his shifts until after he came back, and what about all his mail? Who would watch his apartment, which was in ‘Thief Central Chicago’? Most of all, how could he secretly look at Carol, if he was in California and she was all the way back up in Chicago?
---
Doug was running late for his flight. After hanging up with Detective Sachas, he had checked on and discharged most of his patients, and had saved 2 more kids who had been brought in by the ambulance. Then he had found Kerry to discuss his shifts and holiday time. Kerry had spent the longest time discussing his fellowship with Doug, which was totally irrelevant. Finally, she had let him go, expressing her sympathy for his father's death. "Thank you, Kerry, " he had said, starting to leave.
"Have a safe trip, Doug. "
After booking a plane ticket for San Diego at 4:38 pm, Doug called Mark, who was at home, nursing the flu.
"Hey Mark, how's it going? "
"I've been better…how's the ER? "
"Ahh…it's been better. Weaver's just……Weaver. And Carter's challenging my basketball prowess. Brave soul, " Doug joked.
Mark laughed. "So, what's up? You're off already? "
"Actually, no. I'm missing the next week or so. I'll be in California. "
"California? Why? Didn't you always want to go to Kentucky? "
Doug said, "This isn't a vacation. My dad died. Car crash. He's gone. And I don't know what to feel. So anyway, I'm going down there to ID the body. "
Mark said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Doug. " He coughed.
"Yeah, thanks, bud. I'd better go now. And get some rest, Mark. By the time I get back, I'll need you to help me take on Malik and Carter. "
He coughed, then laughed. "Ha. Yeah, alright. Take care. Call me if you've got time. "
"Yeah, bye Mark. And get some rest. "
The final thing he did, at the hospital, was write a note to Carol. He was hesitant to ask her for this favour, but decided to take a chance. If Mark were not sick, he would've gladly asked him. But now, he was left with either Carol or Carter to help him. And he knew that Carter was busy lately with his grandparents. Doug had no idea whether Carol would be willing to help watch after his apartment and collect his mail, but it was worth a shot. Even though Carol ignored him most of the time, he knew that if she promised to help him, she would do a careful job of it. Cause, Doug sighed sadly, she was perfect. And he'd never have her.
Finally, he headed home, tidied up the place a bit for whomever would be the one to see it for the next week, and packed a Bulls sports bag, an extra big one that he used for any vacation. Then he got in the Jeep and drove off.
---
Carol retrieved her clipboard and found an envelope clipped to it. Looking around, she saw no one nearby. Shrugging slightly, she sat down and opened the envelope. Inside, she found a piece of folded paper and a key. Puzzled, Carol opened up the paper and read silently. "Carol, I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I'd like to ask a favour of you. My father has died in California. Car crash. He took 2 others with him. I just got the phone call from the CA police today. When you tripped over my basketball. I'm so sorry about that, Carol. I was just stupid for leaving it right there. I hope you'll forgive me, it'll never happen again. I'm sorry. [pause in writing. Skip a few lines] Anyway, I have to go down to California to ID the body. It'll probably take me a week or so. Carol, I was hoping if you would agree to help me watch over my apartment, which happens to be the infamous Thief Central, and possibly gathering all my mail? I've included my key with this note already. Since Mark is off work sick, I didn't want to have him go all the way across to my house and catch pneumonia or something. That's why I decided to ask you for this favour. By the time you read this, I'll probably be on my way to the airport. And I'll understand if you don't agree to this, I mean, you don't owe me anything, and it isn't really of much convenience to you, either. If you decide not to do this, could you possibly tell Carter to help me with this, and give him the key? He should know where I live. Thanks, Carol. I'm forever in your debt. Doug. PS: If you do decide to help me, please be careful, especially at nighttime. Whatever you do, just take care. "
Carol sighed and looked at the key in her right hand. She didn't know what to do.
---
On a U.S. Airlines airplane, at around 5:15 pm Chicago time, Doug was seated as comfortably as possible in the second class section of the airplane. He leaned back and sighed. I wonder what Carol's doing right now? he thought.
He took out a picture of the two of them, taken way back when they were together. Doug loved this picture that Mark had taken for them on Christmas day; they were sitting on a stretcher, Carol was in Doug's lap, he had his arms around her and she had her arms around his neck. He sighed sadly. A whole week without Carol…?
---
An hour later, Carol had reached a decision. At first, she was tempted to tell Carter to help Doug, but then she stopped as she headed towards the exam room he was in. Doug had asked this favour from her first. So why was she pushing it to someone else? Why couldn't she help Doug? What was stopping her? Carol sighed. For the past months, she had ignored Doug and barely spoke to him. But he didn't seem to complain. She could tell he minded, but he just accepted it. With that sad, silent look of his……his handsome face looking constantly down at the floor……
Carol restrained herself. What am I thinking?? she thought. She knew that it took a lot of Doug's courage to ask her for this favour, and secretly, she admired him for it. But it didn't mean she entirely forgave him for all he had done when they were involved, years ago. It didn't mean she loved him, either, and she struggled to maintain that thought…
---
At 8:15 California time, Doug arrived at the motel he would be staying in for the next week. Checking the room for anything moving or moulding, Doug was satisfied enough to set his bag down on the bed, before taking a quick, lukewarm shower.
After enduring five minutes of the water, Doug stepped out of the shower, deciding that he might've gotten warmer by sitting out in the rain. While drying himself off, he made a mental list of what he had to do: go to the police station, ID the body, check over the hotel room his father had been staying at, pay sympathies to the victims' relatives...
Doug shook his head exhaustedly and exhaled slowly. And for the first time since arriving in California, he had the opportunity to think about someone other than his father.
I wonder if Carol will help me...?
---
She paused for a second before setting the charts down. There had been an endless flow of young patients in the ER today, on Doug's first day in California. Carol looked at her watch. In a few hours, her shift would end, and she'd take the El to Doug's apartment for the first time in years, a 30-minute ride away from County. She fingered his key in her pocket as she watched the rain drizzle outside, and then went back to work. She had several boxes of supplies to shelf, and dozens more patients to attend to.
Worrying about how she'd take care of Doug's apartment would have to wait.
---
"Hi, I'm Doug Ross. Is there a Detective Carolynne Sachas here? " he said to a woman who had her back turned towards him.
"Dr. Ross? " the woman said, seemingly annoyed and exhausted, as she turned around to face him. When her eyes fell upon him, she immediately brightened up. "Hi, " she said, shaking his hand and not letting go, "I'm Carolynne Sachas, but you can call me Carolynne. I'm so glad you made it despite such short notice. "
She was still grasping his hand, and Doug didn't see any signs of her letting go on her own, any time soon. He felt uncomfortable, and thought of Carol, as he said, "Uh...no problem. " Doug shrank his hand back and put it in his coat pocket. "Can I see my dad's body? "
"Why the rush? But since you must be tired after such a long flight from Chicago, we'll try to make it short and sweet. Follow me--I'll take you to the morgue. And let's walk and talk, shall we, Doug? "
Sachas was now walking beside him, with her hand on his arm, as if to lead him, but really, Doug knew, to keep in physical contact with him. He knew when someone was flirting with him. And Carolynne Sachas was definitely flirting with him. But, he figured, if he continued being uninterested, she'd get the message and ease off.
"So, are you married? " she asked. They turned a corner.
"Ah...no. "
She nodded, clearly delighted by his answer. "Well, are you involved with anyone, then? "
"Uh...no. But there is--"
"Really? No girlfriend? Oh, you poor soul, " she said, interrupting Doug.
"Uh...there is someone I'm in lov---"
"So anyway, here's the morgue, and when you're ready, I'll let you see your father's body. " Sachas put a hand on Doug's chest, lightly, flirtatiously.
Doug glanced around, seeing nobody. He moved away, toward the section where his father was laying. "I'm ready, Detective. "
Frowning at his calling her 'detective', she said, "Alright. All you have to do is tell me if it is your dad. " She pulled open the heavy drawer, and Doug peered inside.
Motionless, he said, "That's him. "
"It is? Ok then, now we can finish the paperwork. But first, " she said, advancing towards Doug, who was still looking at the corpse, with his back towards her, "let us start something right now. " She leaned into Doug, put her hand on his arm, and turned him around, taking him by surprise.
Before he could realize what was happening and stop it, she was kissing him.
---
Carol turned the key, and quickly opened the apartment door. She had already collected Doug's mail from the mailbox on the main floor. All she was going to do for him tonight was put his mail on a table, and make sure the windows were locked. Then she was leaving. She flipped through the pile of mail Doug would be opening in a week's time. "Sports Illustrated...Pediatrics Journal...bill...Journal of Medicine...bill...junk...bill...bill...Adopt a Child Organization? " Carol was surprised. Doug had sponsored a child? She looked at the envelope. "Thank you for sponsoring three children! Your support is much appreciated!" it said. Three children? How come Doug has never mentioned this? It’s nothing to be ashamed of... Carol continued flipping through the stack of mail.
"Bill...junk...junk...bill...bill...Big Brothers Association? " Doug was a Big Brother? Maybe that's why that cute little kid always comes in asking for him. That's so sweet of Doug... She set down the pile on the table, arranging it neatly, and said aloud, "Why doesn't Doug tell us about all this he's doing? I know I would've admired him for it. " But then she realizes the truth, and thinks, sadly and guiltily, But how would Doug ever know that I would've admired him for it? I never gave him any signs that I would...
Carol hung her head, silenced by her realization of her unfair treatment of Doug.
---
Doug was lying in his motel bed, unable to fall asleep. About three hours ago, Carolynne Sachas had caught him by surprise and started kissing him. After a second he had broke free and mumbled a quick, "I'll come back tomorrow to get my dad's things. " Then he had left in a hurry.
He turned over, and looked out the window at the streetlights. Doug knew the reason why he couldn't get to sleep. He had too many things on his mind. How could I have let her kiss me? My heart belongs to Carol, but now I've betrayed her.
Doug sighed sadly, and told himself, "She doesn't love you, Doug. Face it. Ever since she dumped you, has she shown any sign that she cares about you? For the past 6 years, did you get the slightest hint that she might love you? Do you honestly think that she would ever trust you again, after all you put her through? Even though you meant well, does she know that? Besides about patients, she wouldn't even talk to you. You're just making yourself miserable. Nothing can ever happen between you two again. It's useless. "
But his heart argued with what he tried to tell himself to believe. Anything could happen...Maybe Carol really does love me, but she's not saying anything. That could be it. I mean, people change. I've changed--I know it. I'm not a screw-up anymore. If I asked Carol out...she might say yes...
Doug knew that for the past few years, he had been hoping for a miracle. Secretly, he knew that he and Carol would never have anything together. He just refused to believe it. He never asked her out because he was scared to death of rejection from her.
"I can love her even if she hates me. That's no crime, " he said quietly, sadly. Sighing in relinquishment, Doug closed his eyes, and thought, I love her.
---
Back in Chicago, Carol yawned and took a gulp of coffee. It had been two days since she had went to Doug's house for the first time. She decided that she'd go every other day to collect his mail. It's not like I want to be there, she told herself. I mean, it is Doug's house...
The truth was, she didn't want herself to go soft on him and give him a chance to get close to her. Sure, he hadn't tried anything tricky for the past few years, but why give him a chance to, now? He had hurt her a lot, back when they were together. And when she broke up with him, she knew she still loved him. But seeing how he seemed to have gotten over her so quickly, she told herself that she couldn't, and wouldn't love a selfish jerk like Doug Ross. I don't love him. Carol, you can't love him.
Lost in thought, Carol suddenly had a flashback.
~~It had been a tiring night for Carol, since she hardly ever got stuck with the graveyard shift. But she had survived it, and was now lying in bed. She hadn't seen Doug all day, and she missed him a lot. Like usual, Carol started to think about Doug--He's so incredibly handsome...I try so hard to show him that I love him...I just wish he would show that he feels the same...He's always gone in the morning...
Saddening herself, Carol started to cry in sheer frustration and sadness. Ten minutes later, she cried herself to sleep...~~
"Carol, do we have anymore Haldol? " Lydia asked, disturbing her thoughts.
"What? Oh, yeah. Check the room, " Carol replied, preoccupied. She returned to her daydreaming.
~~She had been sleeping soundly for quite a while now. She could tell, because her arm ached from lying on it for too long. Carol turned over lazily, still more than half-asleep. She thought she heard a door close, but dismissed it. She was too tired to check. Dozing off for another while, she woke up, feeling feverish. Carol's eyes fluttered open long enough to see a hazy image of someone putting a cool towel on her forehead. Who was it? She tried but couldn't make out who it was. A second passed, then she felt a gentle kiss on her lips and before she could clear her head and wake up, there was no more noise in the room.~~
Carol came out of her flashback. How come she had never remembered that? And who had been the one to give her the cool towel? Or had she been dreaming? Trying to think back, Carol closed her eyes once more, and thought really hard, concentrating on who that mystery person was.
That smell...the cologne...so familiar. Those lips...that kiss...I recognize whose it is.
"Doug. " Carol's eyes opened again. Her heart was beating rapidly, but she thought to herself, Doug? It couldn't have been him. He didn't care about me. He didn't love me...
"I---I don’t love him, " Carol struggled to say.
---
Doug had a bunch of flowers and had on dark clothes, despite the blazing sun of California. He was at the memorial service of the two victims of his dad's car crash. They had been an elderly couple, with many relatives, who were loved by everyone they knew. Doug's heart ached with sorrow, as he silently apologized for his father's mistake. He set the flowers down, and quietly left.
Next, Doug had to claim his father's possessions. He opened his father's hotel room, and was greeted by a mess. Clothes were strewn all over floor and chairs, the table was covered with pictures, maps, and bills, and the washroom counter could barely be seen under the layer of soap, cologne, shaving cream and shaver, towels, combs, and hair gel. Doug turned and an old photo caught his eye. It was one of him and both his parents. He picked up the picture and smiled slightly, remembering the times when they had been a happy family--before his dad started to drink. He decided to keep the photo, opened his wallet to put it inside, and was greeted by a picture of a smiling Carol. Doug sighed and touched her photo. Then he put his family picture in another pocket, and stuffed his wallet back in his pocket.
"Ok, let's get crackin', " Doug said to himself, sighing. So he started gathering all his father's things, putting them in his father's suitcase, and then in the trunk of his rented car.
As he cleaned up, Doug thought about when he was involved with Carol.
~~They had been having a good time together that night. Now, they were looking to relax, and decided to go for a walk. Doug said to Carol, "C'mon, let's go somewhere fun. "
"And where's this? " Carol said, in doubt.
"I'll take you there, " Doug said, leading her down the street. They walked for a few minutes, until Doug stopped.
Carol was disheartened. "The bar? Doug, you know how I feel about you drinking…"
"Oh come on, Carol. It's a great place, once you get to know the guys like I do. " And with that, he started going inside.
Carol remained still. "No, Doug, please don't drink. Come back home with me. Let's rent a movie or something. Doug? "
"Ahh, I'll come home in an hour. You pick the movie. " Then he kissed her quickly, and joined his fellow drunkards.
Her eyes watered and she didn't even bother to wipe the tears away. Doug looked out the window briefly to see how she was doing, and saw Carol walking away sadly. I'll cheer her up later, he had said to himself.~~
"Carol, I'm so sorry. I was such a jerk…"
---
What a mess, Carol thought as she scanned her eyes around Doug's apartment. I guess old habits die hard. She quickly skimmed through the pile of accumulated mail, and saw only bills. Poor Doug, she thought, seeing the overdue car maintenance bills, that Jeep must've cost him a fortune.
Putting down the mail, Carol began to survey the apartment. The living room area was cluttered with sports magazines, medical journals, opened mail, and several items of clothing. His washroom is surprisingly tidy. There was a shaver, a comb, a towel, soap, and shampoo. But no women's items. Intoxicating Carol more every time she breathed in was a distinctive smell. Doug's smell...the aftershave and cologne and his own smell all mixed together...
She was rendered speechless. All she could do was breathe deeply, and stand there. Five minutes later, she finally left the washroom and closed the door behind her, reluctantly.
Let's see his kitchen...
He only has a frying pan, and a saucer? How does he survive? A microwave, and a toaster? This is it? Well at least his oven and stove work. The kitchen sink only had an incredible load of two plates, a fork, and a mug. That's amazing, for a guy!
Carol's stomach growled its hunger to her. "I wonder if--"
She opened the freezer and refrigerator... " "Yes! " There was food. It was good food, too. Carol scanned her eyes through the abundance. Eggs, bread, milk, orange juice, cheese, ham, yogurt, strawberries, chicken, celery, carrots, fishsticks, ice cream, pizza pockets, french fries...
But to Carol's amazement and subconscious relief, not a drop of beer, or alcohol of any sort. She was sure. She searched the kitchen twice.
After eating a cheese sandwich--she didn't want to take too much of Doug's food without asking--Carol washed the dishes quickly, and went to the only room left for her to inspect.
When she opened Doug's bedroom door, she was greeted by the same smell as the washroom, but stronger. Doug's smell...oh god...
She closed the door quickly, overwhelmed with the intense surge of emotions. Carol swallowed, and made her way to the living room. She couldn't let herself think about him. I've got to distract myself. I need something to listen to. She grabbed the television remote. Perfect. This'll get my mind off Doug. Channel 2 was showing that's [NBC for the U.S., right?] The Weakest Link. Since there was background noise, Carol now started to pick up all the magazines and medical journals, and stacked them in piles on the coffee table. She placed the most recent edition of the Journal of Pediatrics on top, and noticed the well-thumbed pages. He does read these... Carol picked up his clothes--a jacket on the chair, a sweatshirt on the ground, and a scrub top on the couch. Satisfied, Carol glanced around and saw nothing else to tidy up--after all, she never did a slack job in house cleaning. Knowing that now there was only one room left to tidy, Carol hesitated. His bedroom might be too personal for me to go in... She switched off the tv. I guess I shouldn't go inside. Turning away from the bedroom door, she contemplated the situation. Oh, what the heck. I don't want to tidy everything but his room. If he gets mad, then--
She stopped. "Then it shouldn't affect you anyway, Carol, " she told herself. But deep inside, Carol reluctantly realized that whatever Doug said to or thought about her would affect her.
Carol turned the door open, eyes closed, and inhaled deeply, once. Goodness... Taking a step forward, she tripped on something and quickly opened her eyes, struggling to catch her balance.
"What the--?" There it was again. The same basketball she had tripped on a few days ago in the ER. She sighed, and gently kicked it aside. Staring at the room, she slowly, "Ok, there's nothing wrong here. You've just got nothing else to do. It's just Doug Ross' room, Carol. It's just Doug Ross. "
Once she was pleased with the discouragement she had given herself, she started working on the disorder in Doug's room. After picking up magazines, clothes, opened mail, and everything else off the floor and around his laptop, Carol opened the closet door, and was taken by surprise by the sight inside. "Good god... "
She arranged all the hanging clothes neatly on their hangers, and hung up the heap of clothes which had fallen to the ground and had been forgotten.
Two minutes later, hanging up the last shirt from the ground, Carol discovered a big, black box--like a tv box--pushed up against the corner of the closet. Intrigued, she pulled it out of the closet, carefully, and brought it over to the bed, where she sat down. Lifting the cover off the box slowly, her eyes fell upon a boxful of items and cards--perhaps they were gifts?
Curious, she curled her legs under her body and sat back on the bed. Picking up the giant plush panda at the top of the box, Carol's face immediately showed a glimpse of recognition. She took the card out of its envelope, and started reading. "Happy 25th Birthday, Carol. " That's how old I was the year after we broke up, Carol thought. She continued. "Here's that stuffed toy you thought was adorable but didn't want to buy because it was too expensive and unpractical. Remember you saw it when we went out together once? We broke up before your birthday, so I couldn't give it to you. But I bought it anyway. I love you, Carol. Happy Birthday. "
Her heart had mixed emotions after reading the card. But she decided to look at the next item in the box. She pulled out a box, and opened it, taking out the long, pinkish-purple, sleeveless, satin dress she had drooled over for such a long time. She still thought it was gorgeous. "Happy 26th Birthday, Carol, " the card read. "I'm so relieved that you're still here to see your birthday. If you hadn't made it, I would've........
Why did you try to commit suicide? Was it cause of me? Did you feel useless? Or did you think that you were ugly? Whatever the reason, Carol, you're not. You're perfect and wonderful. You'll look beautiful in this dress whenever you wear it. Remember you saw it in a magazine? Well now it's yours, and you'll definitely make thedress look beautiful. Honest. Anyway, Happy Birthday. I love you... " Carol fingered the dress, admiring it. Wow...
The next box was about the size of a small toaster. She opened it, and took out a bundle of sponge. Protected by the sponge was a delicate crystal carousel--the one she had to look at every time she passed the store. Carefully taking it up to look at it, Carol was amazed. It's so detailed...! She thought about Doug. How did he know? And how could he afford it? The card said, "Happy 27th Birthday, Carol. Remember this carousel? Yeah. It's yours now. You should've seen yourself when you talked about it. You had that wishful look when you talked about just exactly where you'd put it if you ever got it...I hope that shelf still has room... I love you, Carol...Happy Birthday. "
She was definitely touched by the gifts so far. But there were questions going through her mind. Knowing that she wouldn't get an answer from anything or anyone except Doug, Carol took out the next box she saw. It was a tiny box, from a jewellery store. She opened it and gasped. The watch--the silver Guess watch. She had wanted this watch a lot, but could never bring herself to buy it. "Happy 28th Birthday, Carol. This is the watch that made you sigh every time the commercial ended. You said it wouldn't suit you, and since you didn't go places much, you'd never have an opportunity to wear it. Well, it does suit you. In fact, it looks great on you. Don't worry, Carol. Everything does. I love you. Happy Birthday, Carol. "
Oh my god...
Carol's next surprise was in a rectangular box, in which there was a set of Royal Doulton china figurines, the ones that Carol loved. Her heart thumped. She couldn't believe that Doug had done all this. She read the card. "Happy 29th Birthday, Carol. This year, you really wanted that set of figurines. I had to go to every store, but I found it. I don't have much to write in this card this year, Carol. But I still love you. I guess you're happy with that guy you're going out with. The guy from Radiology. If only you'd give me a second chance.
I shouldn't be writing this here, I'm sorry. Happy Birthday. "

He started commenting on the guys I dated. What about Tag? Shep? No mention of them? Sighing, she set down the box and card on the bed. The next gift she found was in a large box. Her eyes widened at the sight of a stunning wooden dollhouse. It's the handcrafted, hand painted dollhouse, with the furniture and dolls and everything. Oh my god, Doug actually got hold of this?! Her finger rapidly tracing the edges of the house, Carol opened the card. "Happy 30th Birthday, Carol. Surprise, surprise. Here's that dollhouse you really, really wanted. Yeah, I know you never told me about liking it, but I paid attention. I heard. I'm sorry for eavesdropping. But I guess I'm not the only one with surprises. I went in to work one day I found you and that new guy from Admin together. I know I can't do anything about that. All I can do is continue loving you. I hope you and the Admin guy are happy together. Well, Happy Birthday. "
Carol remembered that guy from Admin she had gone out with for several months last year. God, he was boring.
Looking inside the big, black box, Carol saw only one gift left. This year's gift? Her birthday had been 4 months ago.
"Oh...my...god... " Carol said slowly, in awe, as she realized what the last gift was. She hesitatingly opened the black, Yamaha clarinet case. She couldn't believe it. A Yamaha clarinet? These are damn expensive……and this is a nice model, too... "It's beautiful, " she said, dumbfounded.
She opened the card and expected another short note inside. Instead, Doug had written a longer note to her. "Happy 31st Birthday, Carol. I guess I pissed you off too much this year, more so than any other year. Maybe that's why you stopped talking to me altogether. I don't really know what I did wrong, but I must've done something, cause you're such an intelligent woman and I know that you'd have a perfectly valid reason. You didn't want me bugging you. In previous years, the most you would do was speak bluntly to me. I guess this year I'm intolerable.
You never had your eye on anything much this year, not even the slightest bit. But I think you deserve something cause you've been working so much, so tirelessly. I remember back when we were together, you once said that if you could have one thing in the whole world, you'd get a Yamaha clarinet, a wooden one, too. Remember saying that, Carol?
Well I think you deserve one. You need something for yourself, something that might make you happy. I don't know if this will, but I hope it does. Hell, I don't even know if you'd accept this from me. Maybe I've really pissed you off. I've just got so many birthday presents here for you, that I haven't had the guts to give to you. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not hoping to buy your affection. I just wanted to get you a birthday present. I didn't get you much when we were together, so I should at least get you a birthday present after we've broken up.
But maybe the best present for you can't be bought with money. I love you, and I know what to do, Carol. I won't annoy you anymore from now on.
Happy 31st Birthday, Carol. "
When she finished reading the card, Carol looked at the gifts in front of her. She didn't hate Doug. Look at all this he did for me... But Carol knew that she couldn't go soft on him just because he had bought all these gifts for her. The bottom line was still the fact that he had senselessly hurt her, back when they were together.
Telling herself not to fall for this trap, Carol started putting the gifts back into the black box. After she put the dollhouse back inside, she discovered an envelope at the bottom of the box. It was definitely a few years old at least. Curious, she put the other gifts back in the box quickly, and opened the envelope.
A letter was inside, and as Carol unfolded the papers, she had no clue what she was about to read.
"October 19, 1992, " the letter was dated, in Doug's handwriting. This was the day after we broke up, Carol thought. She read on, perplexed.
"My dearest Carol. Just a few hours ago we were still together, but now we no longer are. You've broken up with me. Finally. I know we saw it coming, but it still hurts. You must hate me now. You must want me dead. I wouldn't blame you, especially after the way I treated you during the time we were together. I was horrible, I was an idiot, I was insensitive to you, I didn't deserve the way you tolerated me. I cheated on you many, many times, and didn't seem to care if you caught me. I took advantage of you and made you take me back in again. I came knocking on your door at all hours of the night. I missed some of our dates. I didn't seem to respect you at all. I lied to you. I didn't act like your boyfriend. I didn't do anything to deserve anything good from you. I pushed you to the limit, until you broke up with me. You couldn't take anymore of this sh!t from me. And I understand, Carol. I really do. You probably will never read this in your entire life, because frankly, I will probably never let you. This letter will probably never have the privilege of being read by your beautiful eyes. And if you ever do get to read this, its probably because I've just been shot by the husband of some woman I've hurt almost as much as I've hurt you, and Mark is cleaning out my apartment and getting rid of my things. If that is the way I die, I guess it's deserving of me. That's the way I should die. I've never been good with words, but I'm writing this letter to vent my feelings, so I won't explode inside. Why? Because for the past year or so I've been aching inside, suppressing the growing anguish in me. About 2 months after we started seeing each other, I suddenly felt something odd when I was with you. Carol, I fell in love with you. I fell for you, hard. And I got scared by that. After all, I'd never been this way, and I saw what love did to people. I didn't want to be like that, dependent on someone, being controlled by someone, being vulnerable. I was Doug Ross, and I was in control of myself. So I started to try to fall out of love with you. Deep down I knew it would be impossible, but I still tried. Then about 6 months into our relationship, It seemed as though you were really getting deep into this, and you started up the commitment stuff. I said to myself, once I committed, there would be no turning back. I loved you a lot, though. Really. But I was a screw up. I still am. I drink. A lot. You should know that. And I sleep around, too. So I figured, if I couldn't even get my own life right, how could I trust myself with yours? I didn't want to screw your life along with mine. That's the last thing I'd ever want. So what I did was concentrate on discouraging you from trying to do anything with me. I just tried to repress my feelings, tried not to let myself fall for you any deeper. And I just sunk so low as to seek false solace from other women---the ones at the bars I went to all the time. I thought that this way, it would be better, cause with one-night stands, there was no commitment. And you'd maybe take the hint and leave me. Because what I believed back then was, if we broke up, at least one of us had the opportunity to be happy. Cause I knew that a beautiful woman like you would be able to easily find someone new who loved you and would treat you right, the way I could never be good enough to treat you. I wanted you to fall in love with someone else so you'd forget about me.
You caught me cheating on you...several times. I really hurt you, I know I did. I really wanted to apologize to you though, like truthfully pour my heart out to you and take you in my arms and tell you that the one I needed and loved was you, Carol Hathaway. But I knew that if I did this, I would've lost the battle against love, and I would've subjected you to more of my b!st!rdness. I knew I was hurting you badly, and I actually felt horrible inside cause my heart broke every time I saw you or thought about you. But being the guy I am, I couldn't give in. Finally, all this I did to you, all these horrible, cowardly acts made you give in, and you broke up with me. Yesterday.
I secretly feared yesterday. You didn't know that, did you? You probably thought that I had been waiting for that day all along and was finally relieved. Well, Carol, you'd be right, and you'd be wrong. I was waiting for that day so you could finally find someone else and be happy with him, but I was dreading it too because I knew it'd be the last I could be with you for the rest of my life. Now, I miss you already, and my heart is aching. I know it'll ache forever. But you'll never know all this I'm feeling inside. You'll never know what I've done, in hopes for your happiness.
But maybe it's selfish of me. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to discourage you. Maybe I should have stayed with you and tried to make you happy.
No.
I could never give you happiness. It would've been selfish to keep you just cause I loved you. I hope this is the best. For you. I have to get used to the pain and sadness of seeing you everyday. Cause I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you, and I'll never stop loving you.
Carol, I know I might sound really self-centered right now by saying that you were in love with me, cause a guy like me doesn't deserve to be loved. Not by someone as wonderful as you. You may think that I'm insensitive and I don't treasure someone caring about me and loving me, but I do. I saw it in you, Carol. You cared. I don't know if you cared about me, or whether you care about everyone you're involved with, but you cared. And knowing that you felt that way about me allows me to die a happy man. I don't know if you ever loved me, but there were times when I was convinced you did. Cause when I looked at you, I saw something in your eyes. Maybe it was love, maybe it wasn't. All I know for certain now is that I've destroyed any remote chance of you ever being able to love me again for the rest of your life. I know I have. I can't blame you, cause it was my fault. This was all my fault.
If we had met differently, if you had been exactly the same, and I had been a pediatrician, a caring, generous, considerate, deserving, honest, faithful, sober gentleman, I would've already proposed to you by now. If I were only different...
Carol, thank you for letting me have the privilege of having you as mine once in my life. I know I'll never be able to again, but I thank god for every short day I got to spend with you when you once thought that I deserved it.
You can hate me all you want, now. Remember me as the b!st!rd who never deserved anything good in his life. But none of this was your fault. It was never you. You are wonderful, a dream come true. I just don't deserve you at all. I hope now that you're free, you'll be able to enjoy your life.
I love you, Carol. You'll probably never know how I really feel about you, or how I felt about you when we were going out, or about why I treated you so badly. But in the end, I'll be glad you never knew. Cause you won't have me in your life anymore. I was our problem all along.
You can finally be happy, Carol.
Doug Ross"
By the end of the letter, Carol was crying. She knew everything now. She could never be mad at Doug anymore, not because of the way he treated her when they were involved. She could never tell herself to be harsh to Doug anymore. She could never ignore her feelings for him. Never again. Her pain from years of suppressing her love for him came rushing back to her, and in sadness and guilt, all Carol could do was cry.
---
In California, the next night, Doug was exhausted. He couldn't wait to get on the plane tomorrow. He couldn't wait to be back in Chicago, where Carol was. He wondered what she was doing now, who she was with, what she was feeling.
Carol. She invaded his heart, his mind, his body, and his soul; Doug didn't know how long he could go on maintaining this unrequited love for her.
If only she'd love him back with even a tenth of the amount of love that felt for her, he'd be satisfied. But Doug knew that he could never force Carol to love him. He had screwed up. He had hurt her. He had been wrong.
How could he be so selfish now and intrude on Carol's life?
That was exactly why Doug had left Carol alone, and had stopped trying to rekindle their relationship. During the past year or so, he had noticed that Carol seemed to be a bit more impatient with him. Thinking back now, Doug sighed. "She'll never love me. "
Feeling depressed, with nothing more to do in California--he had scattered his father's ashes over a cliff--Doug picked up the phone and decided to make a call to Mark, wondering If he was feeling better.
"Hey, Mark? "
"Doug, hey! How's sunny California? " Mark sounded much better; his nose was cleared, at least.
"Well, it definitely is sunny, " Doug said.
Mark laughed. "Yeah. It's raining here. Surprise, surprise. So, you got everything done down there? "
"Yeah. Not much, scattered his ashes, paid sympathies to the victims, got some of my father's things. I don't know what to do with them. " Doug looked at the bag of items he had taken from his father's hotel room.
"Keep them, Doug. I mean, your dad's passed away already. You should keep something of his. Yeah. So, anything else happen? " Mark asked.
"Um...well, I got...the detective, she hit on me. "
"She WHAT?! "
"You heard me, Mark. She um...hit on me. She grabbed me from behind when I was IDing my dad's body, and kissed me. I didn't kiss her back, though. When I realized what was happening, I broke free. " Doug had the same feeling of betraying Carol, as he had gotten the night Sachas had kissed him.
"Gee, those California girls...they're influencing the cops now, too." Mark noticed Doug's silence. "So are you ok? I mean... "
Doug knew what Mark was asking. "I felt horrible, like I was betraying Carol, just cause I let that woman kiss me. I know Carol won't give a damn what I do, or who I kiss, but I can't get rid of that feeling. "
Mark said, "Yeah, I can imagine, Doug. " He wanted to comfort his friend, but had no idea what to say.
"Mark, you have to answer me honestly, and don't try to spare my feelings. They've already been crushed by Carol, so you don't need to worry. "
"What is it? "
"Has Carol seemed happier ever since I left? I know you probably returned to work, what, two days ago? But that's enough time to notice anything. So has she been happier? "
Mark thought for a moment. He hadn't really made note of it, but come to think of it, Carol had seemed different when he went in to work the other day. "Well, she did seem different. But not happier. Definitely not happier. "
Doug was surprised. "Well then how was she? "
"She was----quiet. I noticed that. She seemed preoccupied, and she looked like she had gotten very little sleep. I saw her sitting in the corner in Chairs, and she was leaning against the wall, with her eyes closed. I remember I was standing at Admit, watching her to see if she was ok, and then Haleh came up to me and asked me when you were coming back. And you know how loudly Haleh can talk. Anyway, she asked me, 'Mark, do you know when Doug's coming back? We're really backed up especially with the kids. It's skateboard stunt month at school.' And at the mention of your name, I saw Carol's eyes open, and she looked around quickly. Then I got a phone call, so I couldn't see what she did next. "
Doug was silent. So she heard my name and opened her eyes, then looked around. Was she really that scared of me bothering her? I guess I really am a nuisance to her. She probably made Carter take care of my apartment. I can't blame her…
"Doug? Hey, buddy?...You there? " Mark hoped Doug wasn't doing anything stupid.
"Uh, yeah. Still here. Where would I go? Find a California cop? " Doug said.
At least he still had his humour. "Ha ha, Doug. Are you alright? "
"Yeah, sure, I'm fine. I mean, Carol was just tired. That's not too bad... "
"She's fine, Doug. I mean, aren't we all so tired we fall asleep sitting on a chair? Don't worry, ok? "
"I'm not worrying, Mark. I'm fine. Really. " Doug fingered the picture of Carol in his wallet.
Mark eased a bit. "Good. So when are you coming back? "
"I've booked a ticket for tomorrow. I should be back tomorrow night, probably the middle of the night. And don't even think of meeting me at the airport, Mark. You need your sleep. "
Mark protested, "But, Doug...oh come on, I didn't even drive you to the airport! C'mon...you're gonna be exhausted when you get off the plane. Exhausted and jetlagged, so don't tell me you're going to drive home. "
"Well, I am. You're not coming to the airport. I'm going to drive home, sleep off the exhaustion, and I'll be back in time for my shift the next day. It's skateboard stunt month at school, after all. How can I miss that? And I'm not going to tell you what time my flight comes in, Mark. So give it up. I'm just going to expect you to cover for me if I fall asleep standing up during my shift, ok, buddy? "
Mark gave up. Sighing loudly, exaggerating, he said, "Fine, fine. Doug, you win. Gee, what have those surfers been teaching you down there? "
"Ah, too much, my friend. Too much. "
---
Carol had the day off, and she found that she had nothing to do. Sitting at home with her chin in her hands, the tv on, and a bowl of soup in front of her, she groaned in boredom.
She told herself she was bored, but actually, she was frustrated. Sorting out her feelings for Doug was hard, and her heart ached when she remembered how unfair she'd been to him.
She got up, and paced back and forth. She wanted to go to Doug's apartment; she needed to go to Doug's apartment.
Changing out of her pyjamas--it was already 4 pm--and into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, Carol grabbed her backpack and an umbrella, put on her shoes and a jacket, and left her house. She walked for two minutes until she reached the El station. Carol only had to wait 5 minutes before the El train arrived. Getting a seat near the front, she leaned back in her seat and let her mind wander. I wonder when he's coming back?
When she finally reached Doug's apartment, Carol closed the door behind her, and sat down on the couch. She put the mail on the table, along with the growing pile from the past week, and went to Doug's room. She opened the door and peeked in. Again, the smell got to her. She carefully stepped in the room, and took a seat on the chair in front of Doug's laptop. Can I use it? Well, maybe I shouldn't. But Doug wouldn't mind, would he? It's not like I'll screw up his computer or anything.
So Carol used the computer and went on the internet for a few hours. When she had done everything she possibly could, she turned off the computer and checked her watch. "9 already? "
Suddenly realizing her hunger, she used the washroom first, and then headed to the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator and studied the mass of food. She was hungry, but decided not to eat anything really expensive. Settling down with her ham sandwich at the table, Carol ate in silence. She wondered how many times Doug had eaten at this table and wished that he had had company.
"I would've joined you, Doug, " she whispered. Resting her head in her arms, on the table, she stayed motionless--except for the rising and falling of her body when she breathed--and silent.
An hour later, Carol woke up to the sound of what she thought was a knock on the door. Getting out of the chair quickly, she realized that it was just a loud gang who was knocking on the door of one of Doug's neighbours. Just in case, though, Carol made sure the door was locked.
She washed the dish she had used for her supper, and went into Doug's bedroom again, leaving the door open halfway.
She glanced at the closet, and couldn't help not looking at the black box. So, sliding open the door, Carol pulled out the big box carefully, looked at the gifts inside, and took out the letter Doug had written to her. She opened it with care, for fear that she'd tear it by accident, the words that meant so much to her.
"My dearest Carol... " her eyes read. She wiped away the tears that had come to her eyes. When she had finally made it through Doug's entire letter, she folded it and put it back inside the envelope. Having cried herself into drowsiness, Carol lay back on the fluffy pillow and slipped one hand under it, like she always did when she was sleeping. She felt something, and pulled it out from underneath the pillow. Our pictures... Carol traced her finger over the photo of her and Doug together, arms around each other. They looked so young, so naïve, so happy... She examined the two pictures, taken on different days, and her heart pained. Can we be together again, Doug?
She felt her eyelids get heavier, so she lay back down again, on her side, one arm under the pillow, the other by her side. Her free hand, holding the photos and letter, rested in front of her stomach.
Oh god, Doug, loving someone in secret is so hard. I'm so sorry I made it harsh for you......How do you do it?
In a minute, she was sound asleep, breathing in and soaking up Doug's scent from his bed.
---
At the airport, looked around to see whether Mark was there to pick him up. Scanning the crowds but not seeing Mark, Doug chuckled. "Thought so. " He looked at his watch, which he had set back to Chicago time the moment he sat down in the plane. 1:26. I guess I better get going right away. So Doug picked up his Bulls sports bag and his dad's suitcase, and headed to his parked Jeep.
On the highway, Doug yawned and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. His Jeep was making a comforting low humming noise as he sped along the road. There were no cars on the highway at 2 in the morning. Doug found that hard to believe.
When he finally reached his apartment, he parked the Jeep, locked it, and headed up to his home. I wonder how Carter managed, Doug thought as he stepped out of the elevator and onto his floor. He reached his door, and stuck the key in the lock.
Turning the door open, Doug was greeted by a meticulously clean apartment that almost didn't seem like his own. "What the hell? Did Carter bring his maid along or something? " He walked to the table and scanned through the pile of mail. "Well, at least he did what I asked him to. " Laughing lightly, Doug then realized that Carol really hadn't done this favour for him. Saddened, he carried his luggage into the bedroom...
Carol?!
He found her sleeping peacefully on his bed, and even worse, his Box was on the ground beside her. "She found it... " he said under his breath, nervous and worried.
He took a small step towards the bed, and just watched her sleeping. She's so beautiful, he thought, longing for her. A moment passed in silence. I guess she did do me this favour...
But Doug's peace was shattered when he saw the letter in her hand. He started panicking. Carol had read it. She had read into his deepest thoughts. She had read the letter that he had never wanted her eyes to read. She would never forgive him... I thought I had hidden all this in the closet...I've got to get rid of the letter before she wakes up...
Doug pulled the blanket up over Carol's body. He paused, and stroked her hair once, gently. Then he tried to slowly remove the letter from her hand. He pulled--the envelope moved slightly. He pulled again--
Carol stirred and woke up. Doug?!
Uh oh…
She sat up quickly and he tried to leave the room quickly. But something stopped them. They remain still, and the only noise in the room was their breathing.
Doug, standing by the doorway, looked down at the ground. Here he was, in his bedroom, with the woman he loved sitting on his bed. How the hell did he get himself into this? How was he going to explain his Box? How was he going to explain his letter to Carol?
Carol sat, clutching on to the blanket, and the letter. Here she was, in Doug's bedroom, on his bed, with him at the door. How did all this happen? What was going to happen? What would she say about the box on the ground and the letter in her hand? How would she explain her snooping around in his house?
How would they express their intense feelings for each other?
---
After what seemed like forever, Doug finally gave up, and sighed. He slowly turned around, and started closing the lid of his Box. Keeping his head lowered, he felt ashamed to be forcing Carol to look at him right now. Carol………if only I could hold you right now………. As he turned around to put the Box back into the corner of his closet, his eyes briefly met Carol's in a glance, but he looked away.
With his back now fully towards her, Carol just looked at him. She loved him so much, and could tell he was hurt. Oh Doug, please take me back again……… And she threw her arms around his body and hugged him tightly, pressing her cheek into his back.
He froze when he felt her come into contact with him. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. Doug was overwhelmed; was Carol really hugging him? Did she love him, like he loved her? His heart beating rapidly, Doug turned around and looked at Carol. Moving her in his arms, he pulled her closer, cautiously. "Carol? " he said softly.
She felt him move, felt his eyes on her, heard him speak. Looking up, Carol said, tears falling, "I'm so sorry, Doug. I--I was cleaning your closet and I found the box, and I saw everything, all those gifts for me, and I found the letter at the bottom, the one you wrote after we broke up………Doug, I never knew why you acted the way you did when we were together, and I thought that you were just a jerk, but I never thought that it could've been because you loved me so much……But you did all this…you did so much for me, and all I did was treat you badly……I'm so sorry I was harsh on you………I made your life so miserable, Doug. I love you, though---I love you. I've loved you since we started going out………I've never stopped. I just tried to control my feelings for you, I didn't want to get hurt again, but I was so mean to you. I never considered how you would feel, and I ended up hurting you………oh Doug, I love you so much---can you ever forgive me? I---"
He put a finger to her lips, interrupting her. "Don’t cry," he whispered extremely softly. He wiped her tears; Doug hated seeing Carol cry. "I love you, " he simply said. Doug was afraid that if he said any more, he'd screw everything up.
Carol rested her palm on his cheek gently, and said, "I love you, too. "
And then they kissed.