Hansel & Gretel…
CHARACTERS:
Hansel: Valgarv
Gretel: Filia
Woodsman/father: Gourry
Stepmom: Xelloss
Witch: Naga
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me: Once upon a time, somewhere in the world…
Filia: *sings* somewhere in the dark, I can hear the voice that calls my name…
Me: GRrr… Shut up and no talking or singing till it’s your turn! (turns back to audience) Okay, so there was a father and woodsman at the same time…*points at Gourry*
Gourry: Ohayo! *smile*
Me:… who had 2 kids. Filia, as our Gretel, *points at Filia*
Filia: ^_^
Me:… and Valgarv, as our Hansel. *points at Valgarv*
Valgarv: !@##@~$$$%(^(&)(*&_*_)*_+_++|}{":>?<
Me: and the stepmom of the 2 kids, wife of Gourry, Xelloss. *points at Xelloss*
Xelloss: Oh great! They turned me into a woman again!? *pout*
Me: *ahem!* and so Xelloss hated her stepchildren. Gourry, who was playing happy-go-lucky didn’t even bother to notice if his dear wife hated his kids or not.
Xelloss: (sneaks up to the children when Gourry’s not home or around or not looking at all) You trashes! Why do I have to have kids like you!? All you did was play and play and play!? You didn’t do anything to help ~!@#%^&*()_+
Me: *sweatdrop*
Filia: *fake cry* *damn you Xelloss… I’ll get you later*… do you think we wanted to have a mother like you!?
Valgarv: ?><:"}{+|_)(**&^^%%$#@!~
Me: Hey! Do the "dragons vs demons" thing later!
Xelloss: *playing innocent*
Filia: Hmmph! *glare*
Valgarv: ?><:"{}{*&*&**&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&8
Xelloss: watch your language.
Me: Then one day, they went poor *aw…* and so Xelloss was pissed.
Xelloss: Me? Pissed?
Me: Just do it!
Xelloss: *sigh* (trying to look like a bad mazoku) Gourry dear! We have no more money left! We need to get the kids outta here so that the food will be enough! Plus, they did nothing to help us raise some cash!
Gourry: Don’t worry, I can ask Lina for some money.
Xelloss: Oh, your ex-wife?
Me: SHUT UP!? That’s not part of the script!
Lina: Hey, I’m just the extra here, okay? So you Xelloss, don’t do anything stupid to Gourry or I’ll make sure that you ~!@@#$%^&*()_+|}:">’;.,//*-+
Me: Okay, Lina, stop that now…
Gourry: (turning serious again) But Xelloss dear, they are just kids! What if something happened to them!?
Xelloss: I don’t care! They’re burdens! *die, Filia, die!!! Die Valgarv die!!! Mwahahahahahaha!*
Me: they don’t know that the kids were listening…
Filia: Oh, Val…. *smooch*
Valgarv: Filia, my love… *smack, kiss…*
Me: *shocked* HEY! THE OF YOU!!! Why are you kissing!?
Filia: *surprised* oh, is it our turn to speak?
Valgarv: I was enjoying the moment! ~!@@##$%^&**(
Me: get a life! Okay, so they heard the words of their stepmom.
Val: Don’t worry, *choke* sis… *why does she have to be my sister!?~!@#$#$#$##$$* we’re gonna do something about this…
Filia: *choke* brother dear… *ugh*…
Me: now don’t show any incest here, okay?
Val: slkfajfjhasjgh1764716-LKJHGBM<????><MNVVZf
Filia: SURE!!! *smile* *though it hurts… oh, Valgarv!!!*
Me: and so the next day, Gourry took his kids to the forest, on the way, Valgarv dropped some dragon jewels to the ground so that if they’re already abandoned there, they can find their way back home.
Val: I thought those were pebbles?
Me: shut up *return to audience* okay, then when Gourry left them, Filia & Valgarv also returned home, following the dragon jewels. And finally, they reached home again.
Filia: we should’ve just eloped, Valgarv.
Val: AGREE!!!
Me: talk about eloping later, okay? We need to finish this or I’ll roast 2 dragons for dinner plus mazoku for toppings.
Filia: YUCK! Namagomi for topppings!?
Valgarv: ~!#ALJD:HNC<>:":"""""""LL""/.,><
Me: when they got home, Xelloss was pissed.
Xelloss: Why are they still here? I thought my dear Gourry dear already dropped them off in the forest? *shrug* oh well…
Me: so the next day, Gourry took them to the forest again… But Val ran out of jewels so he let his wings out…
Valgarv: *grumble* do I have to do that!?
Me: You have to.
Val: ?><MNNBBVVCCMMMNNNNNNNNN
Me: It won’t hurt!
Val: BVVCCXXSAWWERT~!$%^&*()_+|}{":?">
Me: get on with it and stop complaining or I’ll fry you to a crisp!
Valgarv: <M<M<M<M<M Okay, okay, okay!!!
Me:… and plucked off some feathers!
Val: *plucking* ouch! *pluck* ouch! *pluck* ooohhhhh!!! *pluck* ouch!
Me: … and scattered them on the road.
Gourry: I thought those were breadcrumbs.
Me: be creative! You think dragons eat bread?
Valgarv: I hate ‘em but I love ‘em.
Filia Gourry Xelloss & me: *wondering looks on faces* HUH?
Me: (looking serious) *ahem* okay, and when Gourry left them, they started to go back but the feathers got blown away by the wind.
Filia: aw… what are we gonna do now!?
Val: Let’s run away and get married!
Me: do that later!!! (pissed)
Filia & Valgarv: uiuowueWQERTYIOOPP{}LLKJHHGFFDSSVMBB<>M>?
Me: *ignore them* and when evening came, they decided to sleep under a tree.
Valgarv: why not a motel!? *malicious look on face*
Me: VALGARV?!!!??? (alarmed by what he said)
Val: *sigh of disappointment* let’s sleep under a tree, sis… *what a strong word… sis… *
Filia: Why under a tree?
Val: Hey, Rin! Why couldn’t I teleport ourselves to my cave hideout!?
Me: coz it’s not part of the story. Now shut up coz I’m really losing my patience on you. Don’t do anything mushy or bad to Filia, okay?
Val & Filia: (fell asleep) *snore…*
Me: *sweatdrop* How disrespectful!!!!… anyway, *turns back to audience* the next day, they were awakened by the birds…
Lina: Hi! I’m birdie #1!
Amelia: And I’m birdie number 2!
Zelgadiss: I’m birdie 3. *glum*
Shilfiell: I’m birdie 5! ^_^
Me: where's the birdie 4?
Amelia: Oh, birdie 5? Is there any?
Lina: nope.
Shilfiell: *mortified* oh dear me! I’m birdie 4! Sorry! Got carried away! *blush*
Me: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Filia: I’m awake.
Val: *SNORE*
Me: wake him up, Zel.
Zel: do I have to?
Me: yeah.
Lina: Oooooohhhh!!! Zel’s gonna peck Val with his beak! *tease*
Amelia: peck equals to kiss! *tease*
Shilfiell: Zel and Valgarv sitting on the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N…
Zel: (takes off fake beak and throws it to Val.)
Val: (awakens) OW!!!!! (stand up) Hey, what’s the big idea!?
Zelgadiss: You’re still asleep so I woke you up.
Me: so the birds woke them up… and led them to a house made of sweets and other candies. And then they ate the house.
Valgarv: eat all the house!?
Filia: chocolates are pimple causing.
Me: just eat some of it, okay? Just stop when Naga comes out.
Val & Filia: (begins to eat)
Me: then a wicked witch came out from the house and she laughed (covered ears) horribly
Naga: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!!!!!! … *cough! Cough, cough!*… *ahem*… sorry, bad throat! *blush* (she frowns again and tried to look evil)
Valgarv: Ugh…
Filia: I’m getting a headache…
Naga: Ohohoh! Children! There’s more food inside! Why don’t you come on in?
Val: *looks at me* do I have to be sweet? It’s not my line!
Me: just do it!
Val: *smiled sweetly and innocently and jumps up and down with delight* oh really?! Thank you, lady! *man I hate her laugh…*
Me: and so Naga let them in but she pushed Valgarv inside a prison and lets Filia do the household chores. The 2 weren’t able to escape at first.
Naga: Hey, I need to go to the bathroom.
Me: do it later!
Valgarv: couldn’t I just teleport outta here?
Me: teleportation is out of the question in this story.
Filia: she’s right.
Valgarv: M<MNNNNNMMNMNMNMMNMNMMNMNNNMNMNMNMNM
Me: anyway, Naga fed Valgarv, trying to make him fatter.
Valgarv: I DON’T WANNA GET FAT JUST BECAUSE I’M PLAYING THE ROLE OF HANSEL IN THIS STUPID FAIRY TALE!?
Me: stop complaining.
Valgarv: M<NMNMNMNMNMNMNM
Me: *ignoring Valgarv* anyway, they found out that Naga wanted to eat Hansel.
Filia: *surprised* WHAT!? Eat Valgarv!?
Naga: Me? You’re turning me into a cannibal!
Me: I didn’t order you to eat him. It’s part of the story but you won’t be able to.
Naga: that’s a relief. Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohhoho!!!!!
Valgarv: stop laughing you SAFDRRWRTYUHHKJLK<MMB<>NB
Me: and when Naga told Filia to..
Naga: why don’t you turn on the oven, dearie? Ohohohohohohohohohoho!
Filia: (gets the match and lights it up. She lights up the oven)
Naga: Hey, you’re gonna burn me?
Me: you’re used to Lina’s fireball, ne?
Naga; but, but, but…
Valgarv: *smile* stop complaining, Naga-chan. It’s the same! Fire=fire! (talk about equalities in mathematics and algebra…)
Naga: Rin! Valgarv is so cruel!
Me: *sweatdrop*
Filia: he really speaks like that when he’s annoyed, get used to it.
Naga: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Me: Naga, don’t worry, you won’t get burned.
Naga: sure? (walks over to Filia) *pissed look* you stupid girl! It’s not yet warm enough!
Filia: *trying to look scared* but Naga-chan! There’s something blocking the way of the…
Naga: (pushes Filia aside) get away! (peeks in)
Filia: (pushes Naga inside the oven and closes the oven door)
Naga: Hey! Who turned out the lights?
Me: There ain’t no fire there, Filia?
Filia: I turned it off before she peeked in.
Me: Okay, done with it. You know what to do Filia.
Filia: *smile* (runs to Valgarv and gets her mace)
Me: Is Gretel supposed to be having a mace under her skirt?
Filia: the Gretel in the fairy tale doesn’t, I have…(whacks open the lock of the prison cell)
Valgarv: (steps out of the prison cell) Oh, Filia!!! *embraces her*
Me: *no comment*
Filia: at long last, Valgarv!!!
Me: *face audience* and they found a treasure chest of jewels and other important treasures…
Lina: *enter* WHAT?! Treasures!? Where, where, where?! (sees the treasure chest) Oh weeeee!!!! It’s all mine!!!
Naga: (comes out of the oven) My treasures!!! Lina, it’s mine!
Lina: nah-uh! It’s mine, Naga!
Me: Oh well…
Zelgadiss: It doesn’t end here, right?
Me: yeah. Filia, Valgarv, You… (turn to them)
Valgarv: +_)(_)(*&&*^&%$%$#$#@#!~
Filia: enough already!
Me: you go home to Gourry and tell him about this.
Filia: what? Go home to Gourry again!?
Valgarv: there’s a gomi there. Do we have to?
Me: um…
Naga: can I go to the bathroom now?
Me: yeah.
Naga: (runs)
Me: okay, and so Hansel and Gretel.. I mean Valgarv and Filia returned home and…
Xelloss: You again!?
Valgarv: get lost, stepmom dear! (pushes Xelloss aside)
Xelloss: Hey! Gourry dear! Look what your son did to me!
Gourry: he’s not my son. He’s just an adopted. Filia is my only child! See the hair color similarity?
Valgarv: Nani!? BN<NMNMNMNMNMNMMNM
Xelloss: My, how pathetic…
Me: When’s this gonna be over… *glum*
Xelloss: well then, I’m not a woman too! I’m a man! (takes off clothes)
Gourry: obviously…
Filia: Gourry, we found treasures in the house of that wicked old witch!
Naga: I’m not old!
Valgarv: well then, since we’re not siblngs, Filia dear…
Filia: *smile* Val-sama!
Valgarv: let’s get outta here! (pulls Filia with him and ran away.)
Me: and so Valgarv and Filia ran away, and lived happily ever after.
Lina: hey, that’s not the real ending, right?
Me: I know. But our Hansel and Gretel ran away together.
Lina: oh…
Me: That ends our story.
Xelloss: Hey! Why am I in boxers! I’m supposed to go bum to the breeze!
Me: will you shut up!?
Zelgadiss: then remove it! Is that a problem for you too?
Xelloss: gee, thanks for the tip, Zelgadiss-san!
Shilfiell: Xelloss-sama, please don’t!
Xelloss: Shilfiell-san, please step aside.
Amelia: Xelloss-san! That’s INJUSTICE!!!
Lina: you! Why didn’t you give me the role as Gourry’s wife?!
Me: it wasn’t my fault.
Shilfiell: you turned me into birdie #5!
Me: it’s 4.
Shilfiell: *blush* oh…
The End... is it?