Back Again
by Angel_Love

He watched her from the shadows. She was with that guy, that boyfriend. Ah, Riley, that was it. He snarled. He wasn’t good enough for her. No one was good enough for her. Except for him. Only he was for the slayer, and soon, she would know that. Soon, she would know.....everything. Soon.

“Angel.” She whispered, reaching for him.

She was lying on a bed, and Angel was standing beside it, looking at her. He smiled and sat down next to her.

“Come to me.” She urged, revealing her body to him.

He smiled sadly and shook his head, a glow receding from his eyes slowly.

“Why not?” She whispered. “Don’t you want me?”

His eyes grew more sad, and his head tilted, as he caressed her cheek with his index finger, so tenderly.

“I want you too much.” He told her, his voice soft.

“What are you trying to say?” She asked, confusion mounting.

He shook his head, silencing her with his finger.

“You must be careful, Buffy. There’s more to know now. And you could lose not only your life. Though that’s enough to scare me.”

Her eyes pleaded her confusion and questions.

“I can’t stay long. I have to go. But you must remember that I’m always here. Even though you can’t see me. Remember the feeling you get when I’m near, the connection we have?” He prompted. his voice entrancing her.

She nodded.

“Trust it. It will not lie to you. And I’ll be back. As long as you’re still alive, I’ll come back.”

“I don’t understand.” She told him. “What’s happening? I don’t understand.”

“You must use your love, and your strength Buffy. Your instinct that has served you so well in the past, and you must listen, because others won’t. You must do what you believe. You must use what you have inside. Weapons are no use now.”

“Angel, what are you saying? What are you talking about?”

His lips were soft against hers, urgent, even though she felt him receding from her, and she closed her eyes and gripped him tight, pressing herself against him with a neediness that he responded with ten fold.

They took each other in fire and raging heat, and climbed upwards until they reached the peak of pleasure that both sought with equal abandonment.

She sighed and gulped in air, and hugged her lover close to her chest in love.

She smiled, and opened her eyes.

Angel smiled slowly down at her, his eyes dark and.....

“Alright? Can I go now?” He asked in a devoid voice.

Buffy looked up into his eyes, and knew what Angel had been trying to tell her.

She woke up screaming into the silent night in undisguised terror.

She was breathing heavily and her body was slick with sweat.

Her eyes closed tightly.

Riley sat up beside her in shock and was instantly comforting.

“Buffy are you okay? What’s wrong?” He asked both in worry and sleep grogginess.

She turned to him in dawning horror. In her mind she was already pushing him away. She was both in denial and, upmost, overpowering fear. It couldn’t be. Not now, not twice. It was some trick.....some nightmare, and she’s wake up and all would be fine.

She had to act quickly.

Her eyes were large and dilated in dread.

Her voice was a mere sliver of a whisper.

“He’s back again.”

Giles face was quickly controlled into an impassive mask.

“And you’re sure?” He asked. “You’ve seen him?”

“No.” Buffy told him, her voice firm and controlled. “But I know.”

“How could you possibly -”

“I had a dream. Angel told me.” She bit out.

Giles put his hand to his forehead.

“I will not believe this. I cannot. Angel cannot be back.” Giles disagreed.

Buffy’s heart froze and her voice was sharp and alert.

“It’s not Angel. It’s Angelus. And it’s real Giles. It wasn’t just some dream. It was more than that.”

“You must think rationally Buffy. You have no proof, no witness to the change.”

“You don’t believe me.” She whispered.

Giles paused.

“No Buffy, I’m afraid I don’t. And I really think it’s best that you don’t tell the others of your...... dream. There seems no point in getting them frightened over something that.... well, might not have happened.”

“It is going to happen, Giles. Angelus will come.” She swallowed painfully. “If he’s not already here.”

She sat in the darkness of the college campus, shaded by trees and shrubs. She stared straight ahead, and she wasn’t thinking anything. Anything at all.

Perhaps she was waiting. To wake up.....Or for Angelus.

He was near.

Maybe he was watching her right now. In the bushes. The trees.

Why hadn’t he attacked?

Because the waiting game was what he did best. And only when her guard was down, would he come. But she wouldn’t let that happen anymore. She couldn’t.

Angel had told her that more could be lost this time. He was right.

She couldn’t let anyone die this time. It wouldn’t happen, not if she kept her wits and focused.

When Giles believed her - and he would - there was no questioning, Willow would curse Angelus, like she had before, just as Buffy had to ....just as she had the last time when Acathla was awakened.

But if that didn’t work, or if Angelus came after them before they had a chance, then Buffy would have to act instantly. Get out of Sunnydale, hope that he would follow her, and draw him away from her family and friends. And kill him.

But Angel would be back.

He had told her so, in her dream. Like the last time, he had come back because he was too important to lose. And he’d be back this time. He was Angel. This dark avenger that helped the lost. Or something. He’s Angel. Wasn’t that enough?

He watched her from the undergrowth behind her. He could smell her. He could taste her even now.

His eyes snapped towards the intruder, the person walking toward him. Him again.

Buffy saw Riley approaching, a cautious frown on his face as he sat beside her.

“I went to Giles’ to see if you were there. He’s worried, Buffy. So am I. Want to tell me what’s happening?” He paused, and she didn’t explain, and he added “Who’s back?”

Buffy’s eyes were distant.

“There is so much you don’t know.” She censured.

“Well tell me then. I’m here for you Buffy.” He put a hand on her shoulder and she jumped away, looking at him with wild eyes.

“It’s better if you’re not.” She hugged her arms close to her chest, as if protecting herself in some way. “I can’t have you around me right now.”

“Have I done something wrong? Was it when I told you that I loved you, last night?”

She looked at him, heard the confusion, the hurt in his voice. But he would be hurt more if he stayed.

“No. No, Riley, it’s not that, not you.” She swallowed. “It’s me. It’s only ever me.” She blinked away tears and looked away. “I know this is confusing for you. Having a hysterical female on your hands. And I thought I had moved on. I thought I was over it. That the pain had gone. But I’m not. It’s always going to be there. And that’s one thing that nobody can help me with. Not even myself.”

“Is this about Angel? You’re not over him?”

She stared at him.

“Angel was..... is..... was..... this immensely, tremendous....person in my life. We were together for a long time, and we saw things and ..... did things that we shouldn’t have, and we had some pretty good times too. With Angel it was a learning process. Every day there would be something new. And he knew it was wrong for us to be together, and that’s why he left.” Her gaze wanted him to realise. “People like us should never be together. I’m a slayer, and he’s a .......”

But she couldn’t say it. She wanted Riley to know, she wanted it out in the open, even if he ended up hating her, he had to know....

“A what?” He prompted.

“A guy who isn’t partial to sunlight.” She finished wearily. “I loved him, but I couldn’t save him. And I couldn’t keep him. In the end, there was only one option. I couldn’t leave, my destiny’s here. So he left. And now, he, and what I thought I had left behind, is back again.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“No.” She agreed. “There’s not any sense in all of this. If there was..... if all this was to be seen in sense, it would be seen from inside a padded cell.”

Her sixth sense kicked in, and she shivered. Riley was looking lost, and her voice was urgent mixed with fatigue. He was here, behind her.

“Go now. Go back to Giles’. Tell him I was right. Tell him ..... tell him that it’s so over time now. That I’m sick. And I’m tired. And I’m ending what I should have when the sun set on my seventeenth birthday.”

“I’m not leaving you Buffy. You’re -”

“I’m fine. Hormonal, remember?” She cracked. “Leave here Riley. Please. Do this, and I promise, I’ll explain everything.”

Undecided, he left, and she sat, waiting.

And he came to her.

“Well lover. We meet again.” He mocked.

“Yeah. So see. Whoop in joy.”

“Not feeling overly pleased to see me, lover? Now that’s not what I would call devotion. Was it not you who begged me to stay after I saved your pretty slayer butt?”

Angel: I need to go. Buffy (emotionally): No, no! You can stay, we can work together, like old times, we can make this work Angel!

Buffy’s hands clenched in painful submission to her dream. It was true. Angelus was back again. He was the only person - thing - that talked to her in that way. In Angel’s smooth, intoxicating voice, and with the evil and promising of death words that Angelus through at her. Angel was gone. Buffy: (getting up) That doesn't work anymore. You're not Angel. Angelus: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? It doesn't matter. The important thing is you made me the man I am today! (smiling evilly)

“What do you want?”

“Ah, straight to the point.” He swooped down beside her. “What do I always want?”

Angelus: Not quittin' on me already, are ya? (she looked up at him) Come on, Buffy. You know you want it, huh? “Go to hell.”

“What can I say? I’ve done that. Didn’t quite like it as much as I thought I would, but then, hey, I wasn’t exactly feeling myself then, was I Buf? You do remember don’t you?”

Angel: Where are we? I-I don't remember. Finally Buffy realised that the curse had worked, and she slowly lowers her sword. Buffy: (softly) Angel? They hugged tightly, emotionally, both bewildered and confused. Buffy: (whispering) I love you. Angel: (whispering) I love you. She touched his lips with her fingers again. Buffy: Close your eyes. She nodded reassuringly, and he closed his eyes. She tried hard not to start crying, and kissed him again gently. She stepped back, drew back her sword and thrust it into his chest. His eyes whipped open in surprise and pain, and a bright light emanated from the sword. She stepped away from him. He reached out to her and looked down at the sword thrust completely through him. He looked at her imploringly, completely astonished by this turn of events. She could only stare at the sword protruding from his chest, and slowly stepped further back. Angel: Buffy... Behind him the power of the sword began to swirl into the vortex. Buffy stepped further back, still looking only at the sword in his chest and not into his face. The vortex had enlarged and the two energies began to interact. Angel still held out his hand to Buffy. And when the vortex finally met him, it suddenly closed into Acathla's mouth without so much as a spark, taking him with it.

“I beat you then, I’ll do it now.” She vowed.

But she couldn’t look at him, the old memories flooding her thoughts, perplexing her and hurting her even more.

“Promising something you can’t ever win, Buf? That’s not my girl.”

“Well, I’ve changed.”

“Yeah, so have I.” He grinned. Drusilla: Angel...! Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.

Buffy’s voice was shaky.

“Did you find your moment of happiness again?” She asked flippantly.

His laugh echoed through her.

“You could say that. Why? You jealous?”

“My eyes are blue. Not green.”

He yawned widely, and dramatically.

“Y’know, as much as I like our stimulating chats Buf, we never get to do them often, I just really, really, want to kill you.”

Her gaze was focused ahead, not on him.

“Now where’s the fun in that?”

“In killing you actually.”

She smiled slowly. She remembered how she proved that Angel wasn’t a monster when she had thought that he had hurt her mom.

She took a deep breath, and the test was on.

“Go ahead.”

He reared away, taken aback by her words.

She smiled slowly. It was a vacant smile, void of feeling or any emotion.

“You heard me. Kill me. I won’t fight you. I won’t give you that.”

He recovered with some difficulty.

“The fun’s in the fighting, Buf. You really don’t want to deprive me, do you?”

“If you really wanted to, you’d kill me. Now. Oh so evil Angelus.”

His face came centimetres away from hers.

“Oh, but I do. It’s just that I like my victims to be willing participants....” He ran a finger down her cheek, like he had in the dream. “....not frigid, bunched up slayers who don’t know when to give up!”

He snarled and retreated quickly.

Her shoulder’s were shaking.

“Test done. Pick up your soul on the way out.”

Giles jumped up from the couch when Buffy walked in.

“Buffy -” He began.

She silenced him, saw that he was the only one in the house, started to say something, but he stopped her.

“Buffy, sit down. I have some news.” Giles commanded.

“Giles, this is hardly the time.” Buffy snapped.

“Will you do what I say?!” He let out in an infuriated cry.

Buffy, taken aback, sat.

Giles gave a nod and took off his glasses, squinting at her.

Giles: Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. A-and I can. I know that you loved him. And... he... has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months a-are gonna, are gonna be hard... I, I suspect on all of us, but... if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is, is my support. And my respect.

“Angelus... is not back.” He said slowly.

Buffy opened her mouth to speak.

“Listen!” Giles carried on loudly. “He has not turned, not 360 degrees anyway.” He paused. “I don’t think I am explaining this as well as I would like.”

“Gee, there’s a statement.” Buffy blurted suddenly. “I just saw him on the campus-”

“But he didn’t do anything to you.” Giles stated, interrupting.

Buffy looked at him, and he continued.

“That’s just what I was going to tell you. It was like that night in the Bronze, when he killed Darla. I bared my neck to him, and he didn’t bite. It proved to him that he wasn’t a monster.” Her voice was hopeful.

“Yes, the drugs may be well wearing off by now. It is possible.”

“Okay, now ya lost me. Since when was Angel on drugs? I’m seriously considering that you have.”

“No, I am not. And I am offended by that remark. I took a call this afternoon from our old friend Wesley Windham-Price. Apparently, a client who wished to live forever, gave Angel a drug in order to .... well ... seduce, one might say, into making her a vampire. What she gave him was an extremely powerful amphetamine.... I am told that on the streets they are called ‘happy pills’ and that before the effect was diminished, Angelus got himself a few. Or more than a few.” Giles told her gravely.

“So Angel gets happiness every time he takes one.” Buffy realised hurriedly. “So it wasn’t me, he hasn’t turned! He’s still Angel. It’s just an illusion, just a -”

“It’s no illusion Buffy, people are in ominous danger. You have to understand that when he gets hold of these pills, Angelus is re-born.” Giles berated.

She cut him off, her voice hurried, plans filtering through her head.

“I have to get these pills, we have to make him see that -”

“We can’t make him see anything Buffy, not in the way you’re thinking. This is still a powerful vampire, an obsessive murderer.”

“I know that! But you’re wrong. When the pills wear off, Angel comes through from the change. He stops himself from being Angelus. He’s still in there Giles. We have to capture him, or something. Right? I’m not going to have to kill him?”

“We - were you prepared to?” Giles asked cautiously, his eyes straying to behind her.

Buffy didn’t notice Giles change in stature or the meandering of his eyes.

She swallowed heavily.

“I’m the slayer. Angel’s a vampire. I’m always prepared if he turns.” She said pertly.

Riley, walking through the front door, froze along with Giles who had noticed him too late.

“He’s a .... what?! What did you just say?” Riley exclaimed in complete shock.

Buffy twisted abruptly.

“Riley, when did you - I, we -” She tried, but stumbled over the words.

“What Buffy is trying to say, Riley -” Giles started, but Riley stopped him.

He looked as if he was failing in his attempt at understanding. Grappling with something he had no idea of. Buffy’s world.

He started to speak a few times, stumbling over the words, and then he got angry.

“I have never got you Buffy, at all. Just when I think I have you figured out, you change on me. But this, this ..... Angel... I was fine with your history, wasn’t I? I took it in my stride.... But I sure as hell don’t get this. I don’t wanna get this. I don’t know how to get this.” He shook his head, his eyes troubled

.Buffy just looked at him, she didn’t know what to say. She remembered how she had reacted when she found out that Angel was a vampire.

Buffy: You're not welcome here. You come near us and I'll kill you.

The scene changed to the Bronze:

Buffy: I know you're there. And I know what you are.

Angel: Do you?

She faced his voice.

Angel: I'm just an animal, right?

Buffy: You're not an animal. Animals I like.

Angel : For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.

Buffy: What changed?

Angel: Fed on a girl about your age... beautiful... dumb as a post... but a favourite among her clan.

Buffy: Her clan?

Angel: Romany. Gypsies. The elders conjured the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.

Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?

Angel: When you become a vampire the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone! No conscience, no remorse... It's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... and to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day.

Buffy lowered the crossbow.

I can walk like a man, but I'm not one. I wanted to kill you tonight. Buffy looked at her bow and back at Angel. She put the bow down on the floor and approached him. She offered him her neck.

Buffy: Go ahead.

He just looked at her in silence.

Buffy: Not as easy as it looks.

She looked at Giles helplessly.

“He’s not an ordinary vampire Riley, you don’t understand -”

“No, I don’t.” He looked at Giles, because he couldn’t look at Buffy. “A vampire?! A dangerous beast who kills and maims? And then I’m told that he’s not an ordinary vampire?! That’s supposed to make me feel better? I just found out that my girlfriend, the vampire slayer, was in love with a vampire. And obviously isn’t doing her job well. So I don’t think soft reassurances are going to help. How could she?”

Buffy stood up, angry too.

“How could I?” She repeated, and her voice sounded lilted, overloaded with emotion. From flippancy to undisguised rage. “Angel is the vampire with a soul. The dark avenger who saves the innocent and the lost. He’s brave, and he’s loving. And Angel never once let me think that he held me in anything less than devoted respect.” She told him. “I loved him, and he loved me. I’m not going to apologise for that, because I can’t take it back even if I wanted to. What I will apologise for, is for not telling you. I didn’t know how, though I knew you’d react like this. But you have to understand, Riley. Telling you about me and Angel was bad enough. But I loved the man. Not the vampire.”

Giles reached out, and laid a hand on her shoulder for moral support.

“I can’t take this in. It’s too much.” Riley

admitted.Buffy went to him, her eyes wide, her arms reaching round him.

“I’m with you now, amen’t I? Doesn’t that mean something to you? Doesn’t that tell you something?”

Clapping was heard from behind them, and Angelus walked into view, outside in the courtyard.

“Well, well, well, endearing speech, lover. But you missed out some parts. Like when you and I made such sweet, emotional love and you turned me into my former self, the person you see in front of you today! And the part where you killed me and sent me to five hundred years of torture in hell after turning me back into soul boy. Don’t scrimp on the story now. It makes such eclectic viewing.” He smiled guilefully. “Hello there Riley. Let me introduce myself, mind my manners here, I’m forgetting them. My head’s all over the place!”

“That’ll be the drugs!” Buffy snapped.

Angel pointed at her.

“Could be.”

He stepped over the threshold, and Buffy urged Giles and Riley away from him.

“Leave him alone.” Buffy warned.

“Now, isn’t that revitalising? The slayer fighting for her man. You fought for me once too, don’t you remember? You fought Faith for me. And me for me. And all those pleadings and beggings not to leave you all on your lonesome, we mustn’t forget about those.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong Angelus, but wasn’t it you who always wanted a line drawn between Angel and yourself?” Giles put in.

“That’s not Angel?” Riley asked in severe quandary.

Angelus put a hand to his head, his mouth still grinning, his eyes still cunning.

“Now where I have heard this before?” He looked at Giles. “Ah, yes. Jenny Calender said nearly the same thing to me the night I came to kill you all as a message for my girl the slayer.”

At the mention of his dead love’s name, Giles lunged, and Buffy stopped him just in time. Jenny: He's not Angel anymore. Are you? Angelus: Wrong. I *am* Angel. (tightened his grip on Willow) At last!

“Touch a nerve there, Rupert?” Angelus laughed. “Let me tell you my answer Riley, just give me a sec to get into the mood, get some tension in my shoulders, but then, the last time I said this, I was holding pretty Willow in my arms for my feed.” He morphed into his vamp face. “Wrong. I am Angel. At last!” He threw his hands up theatrically. “I have been freed! I didn’t say that then, but hey, what the hell, last time Buffy freed me by giving it up so easily. Pardon me for feeling a bit sick in the stomach and not so quick on the game.”

Buffy attacked.

She high kicked him in the gut, and while he was dazed, Giles pulled Riley out of the house, and Buffy punched him, and round house kicked him with threatening speed. He blocked her next swing and punched her with little ease in the stomach and the face. He grabbed her and tried to unfoot her, but she fought back by slugging him. She kicked him with a driving force, and he stumbled, kicked her back, making her fall to the floor. She watched him, waiting for the blow. She wanted him to. She wanted to realise that this was Angelus. But Giles words about Angelus being drug dependant nowadays hindered her.

He didn’t hesitate as he reached down and brought her to her feet. They looked at each other in surprise, and she came at him. She swung at him, but he blocked her, laughing, and she stopped abruptly.

“How many times are you going to quit when you’re fighting me, Buf? It’s kinda off-putting.”

She sized him up, and her voice was low

“I know he’s in there. I know Angel’s fighting you right now. He knows this is only temporary, until you get checked into the Betty Ford clinic.” She told him confidently. “And that’s why you picked me up off the floor right then.”

He hesitated, conflicting emotions running through his eyes.

They stared at each other, and then Angelus smiled, an evil smile.

“Why would he be fighting for you? He left you didn’t he? More than once.”

She leapt and him and kicked him in the face. He wasn't fazed, and lunged at her. She grabbed his arm and sent him crashing over the sofa and onto the table. He clattered and smashed the wood, but jumped up immediately. She kicked him again in the face and the chest, and he staggered backward, backed up by the wall.

She came at him slowly.

“Angel isn’t fighting inside you, for me, Angelus. He’s fighting for himself. Like he did when he killed your lover and playmate Darla.” She whispered, and laid a hand on his chest, her hand caressing slowly. Angelus was clouded, unsure of her intentions. “And together, we always win.”

She smiled, and with reflexes faster than he could react to, her hand dived into his coat and produced the ‘happy pills’ that made him a little too happy. And before he could chase her, she had escaped with his link to Angelus.

And dawn was approaching.

“Cocky bitch.” He spat, enraged.

But his mouth was smiling.

She looked at the pills and then handed them over to Giles. They were sitting on the campus quad in the bright morning sunshine.

“These are them.” She said.

Giles took them, and looked at her, his voice a little nonchalant and a lot amazed.

“How on Earth did you get these from him?”

“Feminine wiles.” She looked down at her sandwich, and picked at the lettuce she had picked off. She was frowning. “He’s still Angel.”

Giles softened as he looked at her.

“I know. We’ll get him back.”

“What if he is addicted to these pills?” Buffy rushed out. “What if he can’t handle, control the habit, and he has to get them again? Angelus will come.”

“Angel knows better.” Giles assured her.

“But Angelus knows more, doesn’t he? He’s so much more powerful than Angel.” She was still frowning.

“True.” Giles replied cautiously. “But Angel’s will has always been much more stronger than his counterpart. He has strength where Angelus has not. You must try and not -”

“Not love him. Not want him every single minute I’m not with Riley. Not remember what we had, what we did. Not remember the joy he brought me, and the grief he caused. I have to focus. Have a clear head. I have to be ready.”

“Yes, well..... I was going to say try not to dwell upon Angelus’ strength, but his weaknesses.”

“Oh.”

Xander and Willow walked up to them.

“Hey there winsome slayer and ... Giles.” Xander greeted. “Thinki

ng about joining our distinguished college Giles?” Willow teased.

Giles forced a weak laugh.

“No....I don’t think so somehow.”

Xander and Willow immediately frowned, knowing that something was wrong.

“What is it?” They asked together.

Xander spotted the pills Giles was trying to sneak away from vision.

“Woah there people. What y’trying to sneak there Giles? You on drugs or somethin’?”

“Giles!” Willow reproved.

Giles laughed nervously, and looked at Buffy.

“They’re not his.” She said. “I found them..... when I killed a demon. Figured that this type of demons was into the old unlawful substances. Came to Giles to find out.”

“A likely story!” Xander said playfully. “You’re really covering up for the old geezer, right?”

“Can’t fool you.” Buffy retorted.

Giles stood up.

“Yes well, I better .... g-get going, I suppose. You all have classes to attend.” His gaze fell on a meek Xander. “Some of you.” He looked to Buffy. “Preparation is of the essence in cases like this.” He hesitated.

Buffy nodded her understanding. She still seemed vague. A bit distant.

“Well, I’ll be going.” Giles strained to smile in farewell, and walked away.

“What’s up with Giles?” Willow asked, as the trio watched them go.

“He’s remarkably uptight. Does that guy ever loosen up?” Xander quirked and Willow laughed.

“We’ve got a new case. Pretty tough one.” Buffy explained. “Evil demon not all he seems to be.”

Willow frowned at her friend, then turned to Xander.

“Xander, didn’t you have that .... that ... that thing to do?” She urged.

Xander was blank, then realised.

“Oh yeah! Yeah, that thing that I have to do, that needs me. Now. Going. Have fun!” He turned and ran away, calling “Hey Giles! Wait up!”

Willow turned to Buffy.

“What’s wrong Buffy? You look so down...... Did you and Riley fight?”

“You know how I told him about Angel?” Buffy muttered, still toying with her sandwich. “And how I didn’t tell him about the whole two hundred and forty four year old thing? Yeah well, he knows.”

“Oh Buffy.” Willow sympathised.

“What do I say to him to make it better? I remember how I - and everybody else - reacted when we realised that Angel was a vampire.” Buffy figured.

“But we thought he was a monster Buffy. And he wasn’t. Once Riley knows that Angel’s got a soul, and is kind, and, and a good vampire, he’ll be fine about it.” Willow hurried to assure her.

Buffy smiled sadly. How could she say those words to Riley when he saw Angelus in full glory. It would just be more baggage to haul onto him. He couldn’t possibly take any more.

“It’s not just that. I mean, when I’m around Riley, it’s good, you know? It’s different to what it was with Angel. But even though I understand why he left me, I can’t let him go. Or what we went through. And until I can, I’m no good for anybody.” Her voice was flecked with knowing and denial. “I just didn’t want to face it.”

“No Buffy, don’t say that. You and Riley are good for each other.”

“Yeah, he can take me out into the sun, and we can have sex, and he can talk about what he’s feeling. And he loves me. But so did Angel, in his own way. He proves it differently than Riley. And we were good together. We made a good team.”

“We all the talk about Angel all of a sudden?” Willow asked. “I thought that ...”

“When I’m with Riley, it’s as if... he’s a replacement for Angel or something. Fighting for his own cause. Strong, athletic. Loving.”

“Buffy, stop talking like this.” Willow said worriedly.

“I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, Will. So much has happened. So much death, and suffering. Even Graduation. We couldn’t even leave high school unscathed by the bloody hellmouth, could we? And the Prom too. Hellhounds.” She shook her head.

Willow was alarmed.

“You’re just tired. I get like that. So do other girls!” “I am

tired. Tired of fighting in something that I don’t even control. For each vampire I kill, fifty more are being sired. And there’s always something. A never-ending saga of pointy sticks and bodies exploding, and lugging demonic bodies to the dumpster.”

“You’re scaring me Buffy. What is it?” Willow admitted.

Buffy stood up, and patted Willow on the shoulder.

“I’m just being stupid. Doesn’t matter.” She smiled falteringly, and walked away.

Willow looked after her with a look of worry and discontent on her pale face.

Buffy stared into the mirror, looking at her face, and her hair. She didn’t move, she just looked. Just looked, and looked.

He appeared behind her, even though the sun poured through her window. And he didn’t burn either, as she feared. She didn’t see him in the mirror, but she knew he was there.

She was wearing only a towel, and she hugged herself protectively.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” He whispered, walking to her. “I could never hurt you.”

“You did.” She told him.

He hung his head.

“I hurt myself in ways too. If only things were different, if I was a man, we could be together.”

“You were.”

He didn’t answer her because she knew the answer, instead his arms went round her, and she leaned into his comfort.

“Why are you here?” She asked softly.

“Because you are.”

“We have to stop this Angel. I can’t do this anymore!”

His grip was more tighter than it was.

“I know. I know how you feel, how tired you are. You want to lie back and just close your eyes.”

“I want to forget.”

“No, no you don’t. You only want to stop hurting when you remember, that’s all. If you were to forget Buffy, you wouldn’t be the person you are today. Your past is what made you. The same as my past was what made me.”

“Why am I hurting so much?”

“We never talked about it, never discussed it. The memory was too raw. Too painful.”

“I killed you.” She let out on a whimper.

“You brought me back again.” He reminded her.

“Tell me what to do.”

“He’s weak. He’ll try to fight you using your weaknesses. You have to be ready Buffy. You have to fight him back, be prepared.”

“And you?”

“I’ll be waiting.”

She looked at him under her eyelashes.

“And Riley?”

Angel drew away from her, both in mind and body.

“If he loves you, he’ll be back. And he’ll forgive you.”

She reached out for him with her hand, and as he drew away, he picked up her hand, and kissed it, ever so gently.

And then he was gone.

The prom picture of the both of them, Buffy and Angel, holding each other and smiling, sat under some junk in the bottom of her dresser in her old bedroom.

She unearthed it carefully, and smoothed the edges.

She smiled in recognition of the remembrance. He had come to her. A one night deal only, but he had come....

Giles: You did good work tonight Buffy. Buffy: And I got a little toy surprise. She held up her ‘umbrella’ that read ‘Buffy Summers: Class Protector.’ Giles: Yes. I had no idea that children en masse could be so gracious. Buffy: Every now and then people surprise you, don’t they? Giles: [Seeing Angel] Every now and then. [Buffy turns] “And wild wild horses, couldn’t drag me away...” Buffy: I never thought you’d come. Angel: It’s a big night. I didn’t want to miss it. It’s just tonight though.... Buffy: I know. I mean, I understand. Angel: Will you dance with me?

“And wild horses. Couldn’t drag me away. And wild wild horses. Couldn’t drag me away. And wild wild horses, ooh yeah, we’ll work them someday...”

But that was all she needed. She had received her cherished perfect high school moment. Dancing in the arms of the vampire she loved.

And for that part of the night, she had been normal. Loving and being loved in return. She could close her eyes, listen to the music, and drift away in his arms.

When it had ended, she had been lost. Confused. Hurt.

And then he had left both her and Sunnydale, leaving a hole where he had used to be in her life. He had taken part of her with him, and she had never been able to get that back.

Whenever he returned to Sunnydale, she remembered feelings that she buried deep within herself. And awakened new ones.

She had a new life with Riley now, but Buffy was just beginning to see the truth. Her life with Riley was just a security blanket for a life without Angel.

Under the picture, was a very burnt, falling apart, high school diploma.

She picked it up carefully, and let the memories come once more. The day of the ascension, her graduation from not only school, but Angel as well.

Angel (quietly): "I'm not going to say good-bye. If we get through this… I'm just going to go. You understand? (Buffy nodded slightly and swallowed hard) There is just too much to…" (Buffy stopped him, and he walked away.)

And when it really was over:

Suddenly Buffy turned around a slight frown on her face. Her eyes locked on something and her face cleared. Angel was standing beside a fire truck looking at her. They both stood there, just staring at each other. Buffy blinked and her face fell. She hugged herself a little closer. Buffy’s view of Angel was cut off by some firemen walking by, then by a cloud of smoke. But then the smoke blew by and he stepped back, slowly turned around and walked off. Buffy, uncontrollably upset, watched him leave. Watched as Angel disappeared into the smoke. Away from her, and into his new life.

Cordelia: "Well, school's done." Oz put an arm around Willow and they all walked off together, past the burned out school and the fire trucks, the swarm of people..... Xander: "It's ssso… Cool!" Willow: "Why do demons even come here any more? I mean, don't they know…"

Next out of the drawer came a maroon Sunnydale High 99 yearbook with the words 'The Future Is Ours' inscribed in gold on the front.

Buffy put her hand to her mouth, and sobbed.

Angel was lying on the bed that he had nearly died in when Faith had poisoned him at Graduation. Like that time, his body was more than vampire pale, and wracking with spasms, sweat dripping onto the sheets.

He groaned, and tried to move, but couldn’t.

A merest sliver of a want slipped out his mouth

“B..uffy.....” ~~~ She stood at the doorway, eyes watering with remembrance of the last time she had come to him when he had lain on the same bed.

Angel: "I didn't want to go, without seeing you." She put a finger on his lips to stop him from talking. Buffy: "Angel, I can cure you." Angel: "It's okay. - I'm ready." Buffy: "Angel listen to me." Taking a hold of his shoulders. "Sit up. You're gonna live. You have to live." Angel frowning: "What way?" Buffy: "Drink…Drink me."

He looked over at her, his body a mass of pain, his eyes reaching out to her.

“No....” He moaned. “Go.....”

Her eyes widened.

“Angel?” She took a step toward him.

He hit out at nothing, snarling like a vicious animal.

Afraid and surprised, she backtracked, her back hitting the wall.

He coughed, and shuddered, looked up at her.

“Please. Go.” He begged.

“I can’t leave you like this!” She denied.

His voice seemed to muster strength.

“I don’t like you seeing me this way!”

She took a small step toward him.

“Angel, it’s alright. It’s fine.” Her hands itched to smooth his hair away from his dripping forehead. “The pills are wearing off, we’ll have you back to your normal self in next to no time. You’ll be alright, we’re always alright.” She sniffled, taking small steps toward him.

His voice seemed to change, his eyes glowing strangely.

“Come any closer and I’ll kill you. I’ll rip your throat out and eat it for breakfast.” He threatened.

She stopped.

“Angel?”

A hacking laugh came from the shuddering, wet body on the bed.

“Y’mean the small pathetic creature that doesn’t want to have anything to do with you?” Angelus gave out, his voice coarse.

A large crash came from behind her, and she screamed and jumped back.

“Buffy?” Riley’s voice sounded through the curtains.

She swept them back, and saw Riley standing, looking about. He spotted her, and came across to her, his stride quick.

“You okay?” He asked immediately.

“Riley what are you doing here?” Buffy hissed. “Go away, it’s not safe.”

“I go where you go.” He told her stubbornly.

She didn’t want him there. It was between her and Angel. Or Angelus, or whoever the hell he was at that moment.

“This is my fight!” She urged him.

Riley took a step toward the curtain.

“Is he behind there?”

“Riley you don’t underst-”

Riley strode through the curtains, and instantly his gaze fell on Angel/Angelus, squirming on the bed, in pain.

He looked towards Buffy, who’s gaze seemed uselessly stuck on her former lover.

He needs me! Buffy screamed silently.

“Is he alright?” Riley asked.

Angelus growled, and coughed in fast succession

“Riley Finn. Ever the faithful pitiful hero.”

“Angel, please.” Buffy asked, stepping closer to the bed.

Angel looked away from her, his voice changing again. #

He seemed to be having inner battles with both the demon and the pain of withdrawal from the drugs who had given the demon the power.

“Get away from here. The both of you.” He managed between coughs.

Buffy reached the bed, and sat on the edge, extending a weak hand out to place on his shoulder. When her warm skin connected with his cold flesh, he shuddered away, and Buffy closed her eyes then opened them, trying to will herself not to succumb to the wants that raged inside her.

“I’m not leaving here without you. I came to help you.” She whispered gently.

He struck out at her, hitting her face, making her sprawl on the stone floor.

She looked up at him, her eyes wide, disbelieving - and yet knowing too - as Riley helped her up.

“Have you got your stake?” He asked.

A laugh/cough came from the bed.

Buffy twisted to glare at her boyfriend.

“We are not killing him, Riley.” She said firmly.

Riley gestured to the bed.

“He’s evil, Buffy.”

“He’s not!” Her voice rang out. “He’s withdrawing from the pills.”

“I don’t understand.” Riley told her.

Buffy shook him off.

“When do you ever?” She snapped. “This is my ex boyfriend, whom I loved with all my heart. I will not leave him until he’s better.” She directed the next to Angel. “Did you hear that? I’m not leaving until the pill effect wears off.”

Riley grabbed her arm.

“What is this Buffy? What are you doing?” He bit out.

“Being the strong one!” She cried out.

Angel struggled to stand, and Buffy made to go to him, but Riley stopped her.

“You’re not going to him Buffy.” He told her.

But before she could say anything, Angel interrupted.

“Nice guy you got there, Buf.” Holding his sides, he made his way over to a fresh pile of clothes, weak and unstable. “Real domineering. Suppose he likes you on top in bed?”

Riley started to go for him, but Buffy held him back.

“Stop it!” She aimed at both of them, then at Angel “Give up - this isn’t you!”

Angel struggled to put on a T-shirt, laughing as he did so. “Ne

ver did like to hear the truth, did you Buf?”

“Leave her alone!” Riley ordered.

Angel fixed his gaze upon his rival.

“Agent Finn, stand down.” He bantered ominously. “Before I make you.”

“Is that a threat?!”

“NO!” Buffy yelled. “It’s not.” She turned to Riley. “Now you, go. Now. Please.” And then Angel “And why are you being like this? The pills are wearing off!”

His eyes jerked toward her.

“Pills? You have them?” He wanted greedily.

“Oh come on!” Buffy protested. “Did you honestly think I came here to give the damn pills! Do you think I’d just hand them to you and make you evil - did you? Angel?”

He didn’t answer her, turned away.

She turned back to Riley.

“Please, listen to me -”

“I’m not leaving.” Riley refused.

Angel’s eyes sought her out again, his voice gathering power. “But

I did, didn’t I lover?” Angel directed. “I left you all on your lonesome, and didn’t you just hate it?”

“Oh, stop it!” Buffy yelled.

“Ah, I remember when your little boyfriend told you he didn’t want you in your life.” His eyes mocked her, even though his body was weak. “You looked so sad, so broken. So torn apart by his obvious lack of enthusiasm for sharing the most intricate manners of life with his girl, the slayer.” He put a hand to his head, and steadied himself, his voice cracking as dizziness took over. “Couldn’t .... have - said.....it better .... myself.”

“Angel?” Buffy whispered heart rendingly.

She broke free of Riley and ran to him, grabbing him round the waist, and manoeuvring him to a bench.

“Come on,” She murmured, tenderly. “Sit down.”

Riley watched with growing rage.

Angel looked at her with his normal eyes, the eyes she remembered, and she smiled.

He smiled back at her.

“I love you.” His voice was slightly slurred now, lethargy setting in. “I always have.” His tone was urgent. “You know that, right?”

“I know.”

She threw a quick look over at Riley, who peered at them in suspicion of their whispers.

She leaned in closer, and smoothed his hair away from his matted forehead.

“I love you too.”

He looked up at her with sad eyes, tired eyes.

But Buffy knew he was winning the fight inside of him.

“I only wanted to give you your life back.” His gaze flickered to Riley. “But I hate it that you are. I really do.”

“Angel...”

“He doesn’t love you. Not the way I do. He’ll never give up what I have for you.” Angel told her, his voice fading. “I’m so tired Buffy..... So ...”

“It’s just the drugs talking. You’ll be fine in the morning. Like always. Always bounced back, didn’t we, somehow?” She asked, kind of uncertainly.

“We bounced good.” He muttered exhausted.

She looked away from him, at the floor, remembering.

“Yeah. We did, didn’t we?” She murmured, almost with a tone of proudness.

His eyes shut, then opened.

She wanted to ease his pain, tell him that this would be never happen again. But she couldn’t because she didn’t know that. She wanted to tell him that the worst was over, but she had a painful feeling that the worst was just beginning.

Until her seventeenth birthday, she had never fully realised how close Angelus was to the surface - and until now, she never fully understood the fight that Angel endured every day. And the realisation that some things you love .... her .... could set the demon off again .....

She helped him stand, and guided him to the bed, where he collapsed onto his back.

“Stay with me?”

Buffy’s eyes blinked five times in rapid succession.

“I ...” She began.

Riley made a noise behind her which sounded like a grunt, and she grimaced forgotten that he was there.

She nodded, and caressed his arm, before making her way over to Riley.

His stature was stiff, his eyes cold, voice sharp.

“You’re staying?”

Buffy’s eyes pleaded for him not to make a scene.

“Just until he goes off to sleep. I need to make sure he’s alright.”

“What about us? Not you and me, but us in general.” He snapped. “What if he goes all fanged happy again and kills innocent civilians?”

“He didn’t kill anyone. He’s not Angelus.” Buffy retorted.

“Well, I’d hate to see him when he is.”

“I have.” She broke out. “I have seen him as Angelus, I know what he can do. God knows, I know. But Angel is my friend. And I will help him, and I don’t need your permission for that. I’ll do anything I can to make sure he’s alright. Anything.”

“Even -”

“Anything, Riley. I’d do anything.”

“I really don’t get you. I am so near to giving up Buffy.”

Buffy sighed and felt the anger rise inside her. She looked at him in reserved rage.

“You wanna give up, you go ahead. Be glad I found out now.”

“Well, I’m glad I found out where your real feelings lie.” “My

real feelings?” She burst out. “What do you know about my real feelings? Huh? What do you really know about me and Angel? About what happened between us?”

“Only what you wanted me to know, quite obviously.”

“No!” She fired. “That is so not true! All that you know, you wanted to know, or you found out accidentally. Truth is, that you don’t care what my real feelings are, Riley! You probably never have. You only saw what you wanted to see in me. But I guess you’re seeing the real me now, huh? Guess it doesn’t prove too popular.”

“Yeah. I guess. I’ll be waiting anyway. We need to talk.” He bit out, and marched out of the room, and the building.

She wiped the tiredness out of her eyes, and walked to where Angel had dozed off on the bed.

She stopped, and looked at him. Soon, her eyes flickered with some emotion, and she smiled indulgently. She took the blanket from where it had fallen on the floor, and placed it over him. And then, yawning, she kicked off her shoes, and placed herself next to him on the bed.

With a soft murmur that she didn’t catch, Angel responded to the weight change in the bed, by rolling over, and cuddling into his ex- love.

Buffy lay there, stiff, unrelenting for a few minutes, Angel’s head on her chest, arm across her stomach. But the pull - both of exhaustion and Angel himself were too much, and her body softened, as her eyes closed, and her hand swayed softly amongst Angel’s hair, as they both slept.

Buffy moaned in sleepy grogginess, and stretched in the bed, not wanting to wake. But knowing that she had to. She had to face what had happened. See if Angel had fully withdrawn from the pills.

Her eyes opened, just a little, but he wasn’t in the bed with her.

Feeling cold with disappointment, she sat up, and there he was, across the room, pulling on a clean shirt.

Her mouth curved into a gentle, reluctant smile.

Buffy: (smiling) What? Do I have funny bed hair or something?

Angel: Or something?

Buffy: I guess we got a little carried away with the whole post-slayage nap thing. (feeling her hair) Ohhh, not good. (sitting up)

Angel: Where you going?

Buffy: To go kill a cat on my head.

Angel: No mirrors.

Buffy: You know, this place really isn't girl-friendly. No mirrors, no natural light.

Angel: I think you look perfect.

Buffy: Oh yeah, I really like... Okay! (lying down) Maybe we should think about getting a few mirrors. And maybe a drawer, you know, for some of my stuff. Because that's what couples do, they have drawers.

Angel: Mmmm, that's right.

Buffy: You know, I-I figure, that way sometimes I could spend the night.

He looked across at her, his face blank of any emotion, and issued her with a polite ‘morning’.

“Morning...” She replied, a little disconcerted at his tone. “How ya feeling this morning?”

“Actually, night’s about to fall.” He told her, shoving his things into a bag.

“Oh.” She murmured, then noticing the bag “What are you doing?” She threw the covers away and stumbled off the bed. She looked at him anxiously. “Are you leaving?”

He threw her a disparaging glare.

“Yeah.”

She placed her hand on his arm, and he shrugged her off.

Hurt, she took a step back.

“You can’t leave.”

He stopped what he was doing, but wouldn’t look at her. His tone was sharp.

“Why not?”

“Because - Because -”

She could think of a million stupid, rash reasons for him leaving. But none she could tell him, none she could voice out loud. She was being strong, right?

He spun to her, frowning, angry at her - at himself.

“I have nothing to stay for Buffy.”

She blinked at the pain his barb caused her, and because of it, she reacted to that pain in anger.

“Leaving me to clear up another one of your messes, right?” She figured, offended.

He picked up the bag and threw it at the wall, a low snarl forming.

Buffy watched the bag fall, and then, glinting, her eyes turned back to her former lover.

Angel had his hands on his waist, his eyes flashing fire, his mouth thin.

“What do you expect me to do Buffy? Go around to everyone and grovel to them? What good is that going to do? The sooner I leave here, the better we’ll all be.”

“Is this about some act of cowardice? Are you running away from what you’ve done here?”

He looked ready to pounce, and Buffy looked ready for him, their anger, rage, emotions, building.

“And again, you turn it back to yourself!” He burst out. “The word doesn’t evolve around you Buffy. Go figure! You always do that - you always make it out to be you the victim! Well you know what? You’re not the victim Buffy!” “What

is this? What are you saying?” She yelled.

“Look at you, take a good look Buffy! How can you be the victim? How can you possibly be the one who has nothing?” He cried obscurely.

“Maybe you could speak English, Angel. Just tell me what you’re blaming me for now.”

He growled in frustration, and paced away, grabbing his bag and then throwing it again.

He hit his fist against the wall, and they both paused, at odds with themselves and each other.

For the first time, she felt separated by him completely. Five yards apart, she felt further than hum right at that moment than she would if they were five hundred miles apart.

“You just don’t get it.” He got out, his voice quiet.

She frowned, and felt chilled, not answering. Not needing to answer.

He stayed with his back to her, not wanting to look at her, no matter how much he needed to.

He didn’t know why he was saying these things to her, and why he was saying it now. He will never be able to take them back after they were said. And he didn’t quite know if he wanted to. He guessed it was past time.

“You act as if you’re always the casualty. As if nobody else doesn’t get hurt. As if I don’t get hurt by what happened or happens.” His voice was rising again, and he stopped suddenly, making it obvious he wasn’t going to explain himself.

“Come on Angel, spill. Tell me.” She wanted to know.

He looked at her, his jaw clenched, twitching. He put on his jacket and shrugged his bag onto his back. He looked as if he was just going to walk out, but then his voice struck up, controlled and sharp to a point.

“You don’t even know me anymore. You talk about how you can’t move on, how you can’t let the past go.” He snorted. “Just look at yourself, Buffy. Look at how much you’ve got. How little you value it. You’ve moved on alright. You throw these accusations at me, that I’ve got my own life, that I’m forgetting about you. You got it the wrong way about. Each time I come back here, it’s the same. You tell me you love me, yet you expect me to walk away. You beg me not to leave, and yet you don’t know what you’d do if I stayed. Because you have this whole new other life without me. This whole new world that I wanted so much to give you, but couldn’t.” His eyes flickered. “You think it’s easy for me to walk away from you? You think it’s easy for me to hear you say you love me when I feel the same, but I can’t do anything about it? Huh? You think you’re the only victim here? Take another look. You’re not. It’s not all about you. I don’t -” He paused and his voice took on an added strength. “You don’t get what I do each day. What keeps me going, what I feel about anything. How many times I want to fire Cordelia every day. You don’t get me anymore. And do you know how much that hurts? How much it distresses me to come here and see you moving on when I’m stuck in the same, dark place, cold and alone? Do you even care?!”

Buffy closed her eyes against the attack.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t .. know.” She whispered, agonisingly.

“Sorry?” He fired. “Why are you sorry? It’s always been the same Buffy. Part of why I left, was to try and give you this life you have. I just didn’t know it would hurt so much to see you have it. But we’ll never be together again, we can’t be. It’s not right. No matter how much we want it to be.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying, what I -” Buffy tried, and he stopped her.

“Yes, I do! I finally do. I can’t keep having these fairy tale endings whenever we see each other again Buffy, because they’re all just a pack of stupid lies we conjure up to make ourselves feel better for a short time. Keep running away from the fact that we are apart from each other.”

She shook her head.

“You’re the one who doesn’t want to spend his life with me. That’s what you said. Remember?”

“And will you ever let me forget that?” Angel threw at her. “You keep throwing that at me as if it entitles you to be the sole bearer of all the hurt and pain! Grow up Buffy! Face the truth, please.”

“I can’t believe this!” She muttered.

Angel sighed in bitterness and rejection.

“I’m gonna go. I shouldn’t have said - shouldn’t even have come here in the first place.”

She laughed bitterly as he passed her.

“You were hardly yourself.” She insulted.

He hesitated at the shroud.

“I hate Riley by the way. I think he’s a .... a wimp.” Angel told her feelingly, before parting the red velvet of the drapes and going through them.

She stayed where she was, the tears falling down her face. She wiped them silently, looking at the curtain with the corner of her eye.

Perhaps she knew. Perhaps she just couldn’t move, thinking about what had been just said.

But he was in front of her in seconds, gathering her into his arms, and lowering his head, kissing her with all the hurt and anger rushing through him.

She kissed him back with more intensity than either of them had ever felt before. She shivered all the way to her red toe nails, clinging onto his back as he lifted her up, into his body, into the air.

He lifted her higher, kissing her more passionately.

Then the connection was broken, and both, dazed, stilled for a split second before Angel let her go.

The floor seemed to rock beneath her feet as she struggled to regain her balance, and she looked up into his eyes. She felt as if she was drowning in them, bottomless pits of black that haunted her heart and her soul.

He still felt her in his arms. Still felt her mouth imprint upon his.

She felt his body want more than she could ever give, or he could let her give.

And then he was gone.

Buffy stood there, taking deep breaths, and then, her mouth parted, she whispered, ever so softly

“I love you.”

She flipped one of the vampires over her shoulder, back kicked him, staked another one through the heart that attempted to attack her, and when the previous one righted himself and came at her again, she took out the long, slender, Chinese pin the held her hair up, and pushed it into his chest.

As the ashes settled, Buffy looked around, making sure that no others were around.

Satisfied, she rounded a bunch of thick bushes to see Riley across the quad talking to some girl. Not wanting to see him, to face his questions, she turned away.

Her pace was lethargic, weary with exhaustion as she made a final round of the campus.

Gazing around, her stare feel upon a dark figure standing under some trees, and her heart quickened.

Angel! She wanted to run to him, tell him he was right she had been selfish, so stupid to think that she was the only one in pain each time he left her. And she wanted to tell him that he was wrong. That her world wasn’t as great as it made out. Because there was one thing missing - him. Angel. He created a void in her life, that neither her studies, her destiny, her friends no matter how hard they tried - or Riley ... could fill. He was the only one who could fill the pit of darkness inside her. In some ways, he was the only one to ever take her into the sun.

And maybe, that could be enough. Maybe just loving him, remembering him, would help her. To grow up, to stop trying to be something she wasn’t. Like with Riley she pretended to be something he wanted, and she made out that he gave her something that she wanted. But it was all coming from the wrong person, and she was sorry about that. She really was.

The dark figure turned toward her, her heart and breath expectant - but it wasn’t Angel.

Frowning, and trying to dampen the sense of disappointment that she felt, she continued walking.

You used to say: I know to find my love, I’d climb any mountain /

Buffy looked up into the night sky, her face wreathed with sadness.

Now I’ve reached the top / the only way, is down again /

Angel passed the landmarks of Sunnydale in a blurring motion, as the train sped towards his new home.

You’re not everything to me that matters / my whole world, when you leave, won’t shatter / I will do my best to make you see / You’re not everything / No, you’re not everything /

Dragging her gaze away from the twinkling lights in the black sky, she continued patrolling.

I know I was selfish for all of you /

His gaze was drawn to the sky, with each second that the train took him away from Sunnydale. He tried not to think of what had gone on, what he had been, and done to Buffy and her friends as Angelus. He tried not to think that he was that weak, and that evil that he would target the only person he loved most in the world. Maybe that had been some of the reason why he had to leave the way he did.

To want my arms to ever hold you / but I need more love than this/ how will I make you see / if you know the whole truth / you’d find that I trying to show / what you’re love means to me /

Did he realise how much she loved him? Even when he was Angelus? Even when he had mocked her with Angel’s eyes and tore her heart with Angel’s voice? Even when he had told her things that she didn’t want to hear.

I can’t let you leave /

He knew she loved him. She didn’t have to say it, she wore her heart on her sleeve continually. And he loved her back. So much that sometimes it scared him. Yet it was way past time that he faced up to the fact that his life from now on, was to be without her. She had got the world he wanted her to have. A world with sunshine, with her smile ....and a boyfriend. Even though seeing her with soldier boy Riley had torn him apart inside more than Angelus or the guilt for what had happened in the past ever had.

You’re not everything to me that matters / my whole world, when you leave, won’t shatter / I will do my best to make you see / You’re not everything / No, you’re not everything /

Sitting on a wooden bench, her mind tumbled over the words that Angel had thrown at her in anger. They had both been through so much. Had always been connected with one another. She didn’t like it that the connection was fading. That the link between them, once hot with love and a future, was now growing cold with resentment, guilt - and only a past to keep it freezing up completely.

Don’t wanna spend my whole life / just waiting on the pain / I need some time / I need some time / while I’m waiting in the rain / and if I let you hold you / will I ever survive? /

Waking up beside her, smelling her fragrance - and knowing that Riley Finn had seen her in that way, experienced that with her, had unleashed the most powerful rage that he had felt in a long time.

So I’ll deny the feelings / I have been trying long to hide /

She knew that this wasn’t finished, that they couldn’t leave it the way it had ended. In anger. In bitterness. And there was other things to consider too, such as Riley. And where she stood about letting Angel go, once and for all. She was realising just how strong Angel was, walking away from her numerous times, taking all the blame and all the insults she threw at him ... but still loving her.

You’re not everything to me that matters / my whole world, when you leave, won’t shatter / I will do my best to make you see /

Angel didn’t know what would happen from here. Whether Buffy could let it go. Whether he could ever stop loving her. Stop resenting her for getting on with her life. Stop hating Riley with a passion, when he was okay for her ..... maybe. He owed her that much.

You’re not everything / No, you’re not everything/

Buffy had a lot to think over, a lot she had to decide. But she knew one thing. She would think about what Angel had said, and try to change things. She would try to be better person - for him, and for herself. She owed him that much.

You’re not everything / but you’re everything that matters to me / To me / You’re everything that matters ..... to me .....

The End

Look out for the next Buffy & Angel Fan Fic, where events are resolved as much as either Buffy and Angel can let happen: “ Leap of Faith ”

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