Remembering
by Angel_Love

Riley looked at Buffy, then Willow, then Xander, then Giles, in turn. All of them were silent, contemplating.

“Okay, what is with you people?” He burst out.

They looked at him uncomprehendingly.

“What?” They said in unison.

“You’re all sat there staring at the walls. I don’t understand. We won, didn’t we? The Kamanche are dead. I thought this would be a happy occasion?” He told them in puzzlement.

“We’re just..... thinking Riley! We do that sometimes. We’re tired. Really tired. Bushed.” Willow told him, faking a yawn.

“Yes.” Giles agreed. “These few days have taken their toll, right enough. I am quite fatigued.”

“I even have bags.” Buffy chimed in, her gaze not moving from the patio doors.

“And I have - well.....fear. I have fear. Does that count?” Xander piped up.

Riley nodded in sentiment, and then changed tack abruptly.

“Hey, I just had a thought where did that guy go? Angel? I thought he would still be here, you know, celebrating with all you crazy party people.” He asked jokingly.

They all shifted uncomfortably, and Buffy jumped off the seat.

“Need food. Food in kitchen. Go get food.” She babbled, and hurried away.

Xander nodded knowingly, and pointed in her general direction. Willow glared at him, but couldn’t silence him.

“Our old buddy Angel does that, Riley, y’see. He appears, he destructs, he disappears.”

“Destructs?” Riley repeated in a rising confusion tone.

“Xander meant constructs! He constructs battle plans! Yep. Angel constructs stuff.” Willow smiled.

“He’s real good at it, too.” Xander muttered.

Buffy appeared at the doorway with a tub of cookie-dough-fudge-mint ice cream in her hands, and she looked at them all with a spark in her eyes.

“Angel didn’t construct anything this time round.” She said pointedly. “Angel just has another life he has to get back to.”

And she was getting over it. She knew that it was for the best in the end, for both of them, to be apart. She finally understood what Angel had been trying to do, and she both admired him and loved him more for it. Because she didn’t think that she would have the strength to walk away from him if all she felt was love.

Willow looked at her sadly, and explained.

“Yeah Angel runs a detective firm in LA. He’s very successful.”

“Ooh, clever dark avenger that he is.” Xander muttered under his breath.

“I’m more confused. If he lives in LA, how come all of you know him?”

“Angel once used to inhabit Sunnydale, Riley.” Giles told him. “He helped us with matters of the Hellmouth and contributed greatly to Buffy.” Everybody looked at him, and her tacked on slowly “Buffy’s battles. Her battles. Not her. Of course not, that’s just silly.”

“Yeah. He contributed alright.” Xander bit out.

Buffy looked at him in bemusment. She knew that Xander meant when Angel had turned into Angelus and wrecked his destruction on everybody that meant something to her - and bystanders too. But if Angel was to blame for that, then she was too. And she refused to turn their one act of love making into a corrupt memory. Her eyes flashed with the slayer fire.

“Xander that’s enough. If it wasn’t for Angel, the death toll with the Kamanche might be one up.”

Xander just glared in answer, but he knew she was right.

Riley, sitting on the coffee table, sighed and gave in to never understanding. Buffy looked at him, and felt her insides jerk slightly. He really was a good guy. One of the best, and she liked him a lot too. Even Angel had seen that. Riley would be good for her. He was. He understood her in ways that only Angel ever had. She smiled, took a bite of her ice cream, and came over to him, draped herself over him, and kissed his head lovingly.

“It’s okay sweetie, you’ll get used to it.”

He looked up at her and smiled, and dipped his finger into her spoonful of cookie-dough-fudge-mint ice cream, but dropped it onto his T-shirt instead. Laughing in embarrassment, he jumped up, and moved to wipe it off. Buffy, giggling, shook her head, and when he sat down again, joking with the others about his poor co-ordination - bad since he was solider, she fed him some from the spoon.

A flash of bright white light filled the room momentarily, suddenly, blinding those who sat there, and when it cleared, Buffy was lying on the floor, doubled up in pain.

It felt as if her insides were in fire. There was a barrage of...........something infiltrating her brain, and she couldn’t stop it, couldn’t stop what was happening to her.

She gave in to whatever it was, and the pain she felt when she did was more powerful and intense than two seconds ago. Because her soul seemed to be breaking into tiny shreds of nothing, and her heart was being ripped out once more.

The others were towering over her, fussing, their eyes alight with their concern, and their arms reaching for her, their mouths asking what was the matter. They helped her sit up, and she sat on the floor, unhearing, unseeing anything but the scenes which were playing in her head. They finished quickly, and she felt the impact of them down to her toes.

She turned to everyone. Her voice was cracked and tremored, but authoritative all the same.

“Get me the phone somebody, please.” She ordered in a shaky voice.

Giles hurried across with the phone, unsure, while Riley and Willow and Xander attempted to calm their friend down.

“Was it a spell Buffy?” Willow asked.

“Buffy you should -” Giles.

“Oh God, what’s he done now?” Xander.

“Buffy, talk to me, it’s Riley.”

She was erratic and snappy, and to them, not making any sense at all. Buffy didn’t know what was happening to her, she didn’t understand either. But she was determined to find out. To get answers from the horses mouth, so to speak.

She watched Giles bring across the phone, in slow motion, and she didn’t know whether she wanted to know what had happened, what she was seeing. She didn’t know whether she wanted to understand it, or would. What if......?

They were all talking to her at once, the pace normal again, but Buffy wouldn’t listen to them. She brushed them all off, their worries and concerns, and grabbed at the phone like it was her only life line. She quickly dialled the number, and waited.

Cordelia’s voice filtered down the line.

“Angel Investigations, we -”

“Get Angel.” Buffy demanded.

“Well, look here -”

“Just get him Cordelia, alright?” Buffy snapped.

The gang threw each other worried looks. And Riley stood, frowning.

“Oh, Buffy! I should have known. Hold on.” Cordelia realised, and paused. She looked at Angel who was coming from his apartment, and held out the phone. “It’s Buffy, Angel. She sounds just a little hormonal. She was rude. How about tell-”

Angel grabbed the phone, numerous situations running through his mind.

“Buffy? Are you alright, did the Kamanche come back, are you -”

Buffy cut him off in a light, singsong voice that made the others even more perturbed.

“Angel? Would you like some cookie-dough-fudge-mint ice cream? No, not now you wouldn’t, my bad! I’m just phoning to enquire about your co-ordination. You know, just checking in. Got anything you’d like to tell me? Anything I took part in, but don’t remember.... - At All?!” Her voice was hard.

Angel slumped against the desk in disbelief. She couldn’t....no, she.....right?

“What ..... are you talking about?” He managed.

Buffy turned to her friends, and covered the phone.

“Guys? Please? I’m trying to have a conversation! Can’t a girl get any privacy here?”

They made an exit reluctantly, murmuring amongst themselves, and Buffy placed the receiver back to her ear.

“Yeah, Angel, you do know what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, I don’t. So how about you explain it to me, huh?” She grabbed a bunch of pencils from the desk, and her grip was so tight, that they crumbled and fell to the ground.

“Um, I......” Angel mumbled.

“Sorry, didn’t quite get that.” Buffy sang. “And you better start soon, my dear ex lover. Because you have one majorly pissed off slayer on your hands. No telling what I’ll do.”

Angel, still in denial, shook his head. He couldn’t believe that she was talking about after Thanksgiving. He couldn’t believe that she knew. The Oracles had told him that it was to be his affliction in the aftermath of the day that he and Buffy spent together as equals, was erased.

He took a deep breath, and decided he would test her before he spilled his heart to the woman he loved, but couldn’t.

“The Mohra demon.” He searched for confirmation. It might still have been coincidence.....

“Score one to Mr Soul Boy. The Mohra demon and the little known fact that it makes vampires into mortals and gives them a shot at been loved and loving in return.” Her voice cracked. “Tell me Angel, is this some nightmare? Some left over from those Colombian drugs the Kamanche fed me? Because all I know is that I got a blinding white flash of pain in my head no more than two minutes ago, and it showed me some very powerful scenes that I starred in, but don’t seem to recall. Care to expound?”

“Buffy....”

“9:01 mean anything?” Her voice broke completely, and she gave in. “How could you? How could you, you - you.... bloody VAMPIRE?!” She screamed down the line in confusion and heartrending suffering. “How could you do that to me? Just as I finally got over you - over us - I find out that - that - we had a....a.......oh God.....”

She slumped down onto the carpet, and held the receiver in her hands, crying in abandonment, knowing that what she seen in her mind had once been a reality. She didn’t understand it, she didn’t have to. It was enough to tear her newly formed heart into tiny pieces and throw them to the wind.

“Buffy! Buffy?!” Angel threw down the line quickly, his own voice catching. “Buffy, you weren’t meant to know - you weren’t meant to find -

”The receiver went dead at his ear, and Cordelia looked at him strangely.

“Everything okay?” She asked innocently.

He turned round and punched a hole in the wall with his fist, and when he pulled it back, he looked at it, but there was no blood, no bruise, no pain. Nothing to remind him that he was twice a mortal. Now he was a vampire. And that was all he ever shall be, and because of that, he was no good for Buffy, or anyone else.

“Was I so wrong?” He whispered.

“Angel....” Cordelia reached out. “Calm down. Whatever she said, it can’t be that bad. I mean, she didn’t exactly grasp the concept of being a bitch in high school. That was my forte. She was more interested in the forces of darkness.”

He looked at her.

“She thinks I betrayed her in the worst possible way.”

“You slept with someone else?” Cordelia exclaimed quickly, then realised what she said. “No, it can’t be that. You’d be all evil and killing if you did.....”

“I’ve let her down.” He said frantically. “I denied her.....the chance of - I thought it would be for the best. It had to be. She can’t see it. I can’t see it. If only I had, we had, she had -”

“Angel!” Cordelia broke through the rabble, and silenced him. “What is going on? Why are you behaving like a deranged animal escaped from a psychotic unit? What exactly did she say to you?”

“Cookie-dough-fudge-mint ice cream.” He muttered, remembering.

Cordelia looked at him in stupidity.

“Yeah I can see why that would be bad.”

“Cordelia, I can’t get into it now.” He snapped at her, and strode away, down to his apartment.

Everywhere he turned, he remembered her, the way she had been that day which had been erased from happening. He walked into the kitchen, and he saw her sitting there. He remembered how it had only taken only one touch to relight what they had never really lost.

He turned away and walked into the bedroom, and he saw the bed, where he now pictured her lying, waiting for him, dressed in one of his shirts, her hair tousled, her lips and body inviting.

And then, when there was no where else to go, but the sitting area, he turned and he saw her, as she was that day, pacing, waiting for him, and he saw himself walking down the stairs......And he gave into the memories which he had suppressed in painful denial. He remembered, and he felt, and he saw with every fibre of his body....

Buffy: "I'm guessing that expression isn't because they were all out of fresh OJ at the deli. - What happened?"

Angel: "Nothing happened. - I just.."

Buffy: "Where have you been?"

Angel: "I went to see the Oracles. I asked them to turn me back."

Buffy: "What? - Why?"

Angel: "Because more then ever I know how much I love you."

Buffy backed away from him: "No. No, you didn't."

Angel followed her: "And if I stayed mortal one of us would wind up dead, maybe both of us. You heard what Mohra said."

Buffy: "Mohra is dead. We killed him."

Angel: "He said others would come."

Buffy: "They always come. And they always will. But that's my problem now, not yours, remember?"

Angel: "No, I won't just stand by and let you fight, maybe die, alone."

Buffy: "Then we fight together."

Angel: "You saw what happened last night. If anything I'm a liability to you. You take chances to protect me, and that's not just bad for you, it's bad for the people we were meant to help."

Buffy: "So what? You just took a whole 24 hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe and decided it was more fun being a superhero?"

Angel: "You know that's not it. How can we be together if the cost is your life, or the lives of others? (Buffy just stared at him and after a moment he took her into his arms) I know. I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure - if I could do it if I woke up with you one more morning."

Buffy sniffled: "I understand. - So, what happens now?'

Angel: "The Oracles are giving us back the day, turning back time, so I can kill Mohra before his blood makes me mortal."

Buffy: "When?"

Angel looked over at the clock (it's 9:00): "Another minute."

Buffy crying: "A minute? No. No, it's not enough time!"

Angel: "We don't have a choice. It's done."

Buffy: "How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?"

Angel: "You won't. No one will know but me."

Buffy: "Everything we did."

Angel: "It never happened."

Buffy shook her head: "It did. It did. I know it did! (Puts her hand on his heart) I felt your heart beat."

Angel: "Buffy.."

They kissed. Buffy looked over at the clock. The minute was almost up.

Buffy: "No! Oh God. It's not enough time."

Angel was crying too now: "Shh, please. Please."

The held each other tightly, both crying.

Angel: "Please, please."

Buffy: "No. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget."

Buffy sat alone in the darkness, in an old comforting place that she felt the most comfortable in. The graveyard had welcomed her, and she lay, on the grass, and looked into the sky, at the stars, and no matter how hard she tried to not think about what she had learned, she couldn’t.

“Why?” She whispered feelingly. “Why would anyone be so cruel and spiteful to rid me of those few precious moments that we were together as equals? When we could be what we’ve always wanted. Normal. Why?”

She heard someone move behind her, and Willow joined her.

“Hey there.” She greeted in a concerned voice. “We were worried Buffy. I’m worried. And Riley! he doesn’t know what to make of it all. Guess he hasn’t seen sad Buffy before, huh?” She didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t know what to say to him. I mean, how do you explain something like Angel to Riley? He’s an innocent in all this.” Buffy said, her voice getting more force behind it. “And I want him to stay that way. I like that he’s an innocent. It’s appealing. I like it that he doesn’t know about Angel, or what happened or -” She stopped and closed her eyes in wonder, her voice breaking. “I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.”

“Well, since that was going to be my next question, do you want to tell me how you’re feeling? Maybe that’ll help you.” Willow offered.

Buffy shook her head. She didn’t want to tell anybody how she felt. She didn’t even know how she felt.

“Thanks all the same, Will, but I need to sort this out myself before I pile it onto you. You’ve got enough problems of your own without me adding to them.”

“But that’s what friends are for! I mean, be there and support. And comfort.”

“I know. And you’re the best .. best friend anyone could ever hope for. But, I’m afraid that if I speak one word of what I feel, or what I saw, then I’m saying it did happen, and if I did that, then....” Tears began to form in her eyes, and streak down her cheeks. “...then Angel really did deceive me. And I don’t want to think that. Not of Angel.” She looked at Willow, and her eyes were alight with pain and suffering and confusion. She was crying openly now, her body wracking. “And I can’t do this anymore, Will. I can’t keep getting my heart broken by that man. And I can’t keep thinking that just when I’m safe, I’ll stay that way. Because there’s always something! Always!”

Buffy sat up, and Willow gathered her into her arms.

“Can you keep Riley with you? Don’t let him come find me.” Buffy asked in a pained whisper. “Tell him.....Tell him...something...I don’t know.”

“You were doing so well.” Willow reminded her. “Remember the station, smiling and laughing?” She hesitated and nodded. “I’ll tell Giles that Riley’s not to leave the house to find you, to give you as long as you need. When you want to talk Buffy, I’m here. I just want you to know that, okay?”

Buffy nodded, and eventually, Willow left.

She thought of some of the scenes that had been, almost, given, to her, when the light and the pain had hit her. She had watched herself walking in a park, and she felt him watching her, felt him near, and something else too.....and she watched as Angel walked out from a shadowed arch, and walked toward her - in the sun. She watched as he came up to her, and - kissed her.

And sitting in the graveyard, she felt how that kiss had made her feel.

Alive.

In love.

On fire.

And then when he had taken her into his arms in the kitchen, and swept everything off the table, and placed her ever so gently down onto it...and made love to her, so rapidly, so ....... wondrously, so....... indescribally.

She had burned up a thousand times.

She had fallen in love a million.

She closed her eyes to the apparition, but she could not shut her body’s reaction down, and she felt every nerve coil with pleasure and love.

And then a small rustle behind her in the graveyard alerted her, and she sensed his hesitation, and she ignored him, ignored his whisper of her name, and then he came across to her.

“Well, well, look who’s back already. Short but sweet, Angel. What brings you back to li’l ol’ Sunnydale? Any monsters needing annihilation? Yourself maybe?” She addressed harshly, and then regretted it. “I didn’t mean -”

“You think I’m a monster?” He bit out, hurting.

Buffy sighed and shook her head, her blond hair falling from the clasp that held it back.

“I only wish I did. And you think I didn’t understand before - when you left? Well, I sure as hell don’t understand now. And it’ll take more than some idiotic piece of poetry to make me see why, whatever happened, happened. I’m ...” She trailed away.

“I know.” He told her, his voice trying to reach her. “Believe me, I’ve felt all you have, and more. I was human. What I -.” He paused and then started again. “I was told by the powers that erased the day, that I would be the only one who would know. That it would be my burden as a result of what I asked for. I thought -”

“Let me guess.” She broke in bitterly. “You thought you did what was the best. For both of us, and ‘the people we were meant to help’. Well, no offence Angel, but I am not liking your definition of ‘the best’.”

“I could not have stayed a mortal Buffy, it’s not who I am. What I’m supposed to be. Like you’re the slayer, no one else.”

“I’ll always be the slayer Angel, that’ll never change! But being human - it was your redemption! It was what you - we - have waited for!”

“It was no redemption, Buffy.”

“I guess not.” She spat sardonically. “Being human can’t be much of a redemption, huh?”

“I almost thought that feeling my heart beat and having you in my arms was some crazy dream, Buffy. It seemed so.....unreal.” He paused. “The Mohra demon was not my destiny, Buffy.” He retorted. “It never was. The Mohra demon showed me -”

“Angel, just shut up! Just be quiet, and leave me alone.” Buffy sobbed, standing up. “I don’t know why you came back, but you can just go! And don’t expect me to arrive at the station either to soothe you! I hate you! I actually hate you! I never thought I’d hate you! You hurt me I - Waahh!!” She strode away, and Angel pursued her.

He reached out, and twisted her around. He couldn’t let her go. Not like this -

“Hear me out Buffy, please. Give me that.” He pleaded, his voice hoarse.

“I’ll give you something!” She yelled wildly, and kicked him the gut, and punched him firmly in the face, and when Angel managed to right himself, the slayer was gone into the night.

She sat on a bar stool, nursing a strong alcoholic drink. She didn’t know what was happening to her. One minute she was fine, she was moving on from Angel, and the next, a blinding white flash of pain gives her memories of him and her - human. Together. In love. Loving. Together. Human. Equals. A chance. Chance at happiness.....

She expelled a long breath, and twirled her hair round her finger.

Spike, having just entered the bar, saw her and sauntered over to her, and she groaned and turned away.

“Well, well, well. Don’t see you in here much, Cutie.”

“Uh huh.” She said groggily.

“Had a bit much to drink? Rupert will be displeased.”

“I’m nineteen!” She slurred. “I’m old enough.”

He picked up the drink and sniffed it.

“I don’t think so.”

He gestured to the barman and ordered a whisky.

“I thought you only drank blood.” She garbled.

“Oh, I get it. You think I’m some boring old vamp who has nothing better to do than sit with a cup of good plasma and watch day time soaps, eh? Huh?”

Buffy tried to focus on him, but couldn’t, and she patted what she thought was his shoulder, but was his head instead. He jumped back, and looked at her as if she was insane.

“Missing Drusilla, huh?” She sympathised.

“And the ability to take advantage of this situation and kill you, yeah.” He said slowly.

“I admire you sticking by her so long....she was cooky.”

“Come again?”

“A bit.....y’know,” She leaned closer, and whispered. “weird.”

Spike let out a grunt.

“Yeah well, your friendly vamp made her go insane didn’t he? That does constitute weird.”

Buffy slapped him hard across the face, and he let out a protest, slapping her back across the jaw.

“Don’t you dare mention that.....vampire.” She spat, and Spike cheered up, and sat himself down beside her.

“Tell me, Cutie. Tell Uncle Spike. Did he leave without saying goodbye? Or did you two give into that slayer-vampire thing, do it, and now he’s good old Angelus again?”

Buffy looked in his general direction and shook her head, her blond hair flying.

“Piss off.”

“Ooch. Must be bad.” He frowned. “He hasn’t turned has he?”

“He might as well as have. For all I’m feeling right now, it feels as if he has.” She gulped down her drink, and then grabbed his, and downed it.

“Right, that’s enough.” Spike ordered, shooing the barman away as he came to refill their glasses. “What the hell is going on?”

Buffy broke free of his grip on his wrist, and stumbled off the bar stool.

“What do you care?” She muttered.

“I don’t. And if it wasn’t for this bloody chip in my head, I’d be having myself a right nice juicy meal right now. But, I admit, I am a little bit curious as to why you’re drowning your sorrows in some damp bar and not out fighting the demons of darkness.”

“What can I say? I took a night off.” She snapped.

Spike nodded knowingly.

“Angel being here brought back all that crap of how the two of you can’t be together because of the little matter of him being a vampire and you being the slayer, right? So you’re rebelling against all this destiny stuff and showing them bad Buffy. Good for you!” He lifted her up and plonked her on the stool again. “Right, another?”

“I should get....”

“Oh, don’t wimp out on me now, Cutie. Stay with me, have a few drinks. God knows we both need it.” He surveyed her drunken state. “Though you do look as if you’ve had enough.”

The barman placed their drinks in front of them, and Buffy downed hers quickly with no apparent tasting of the raw liquid. Spike looked at her in reluctant admiration.

“Boy, you could be up there with the best of them.”

Angel appeared behind them, and Spike heaved a deep breath and nudged her.

“Your former squeeze just turned up.”

She swung in her seat, and found she couldn’t quite get her blurry vision focused.

“Drink Angelus?” She quirked in a slurred voice.

“I came to take you home.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I don’t go home with

strangers.”Angel looked put out and hurt.

“I’m not a stranger.”

“Whatever.”

The barman left the bottle for her, and she drank from it, until Angel grabbed the bottle from her. Spike laughed heartily.

“Now, now, that wasn’t very nice, was it dear old Angel?”

“Shut up Spike, this is between me and Buffy.”

Spike ignored him.

“I really thought you’d be gone by now. Isn’t that what you do? You appear in a flash of avenging the true and the pathetic innocent - and then disappear again?”

Angel looked over at him in annoyance.

“Do you ever shut up?”

“Leave Spike alone!” Buffy defended.

Both looked at her in surprise, and Spike grinned slowly.

“Yeah Mr nasty vampire. Leave me alone. You heard the girl.”

Angel growled, and Spike lost his grin. Angel looked at Buffy and shook his head.

“Giles and Willow are worried about you. Why are you doing this?”

“They needn’t be worried. I can take care of myself.”

“I can see that.” He said sarcastically, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That, in your state, you’re an easy target for any demon or two bit vampire.”

“Well, I see the two bit vampire, but where’s the demon? I’ll take you both on, you pair of morons.”

Spike was enjoying the showdown, and Angel’s voice was imploring her.

“Buffy please, don’t do this. Don’t do this to yourself.”

“Why?” She broke out. “Because you care?”

“I do.” Angel told her.

“Oh yeah you care alright.” She threw at him. “You up and desert me, leaving me boyfriendless and more alone than I have ever been - and when I’m finally just getting over you and that, I find out that you passed up a chance to stay with me, and be happy. Be equal. Ooh yeah, I see care.”

She hurt so bad, to say those words. He couldn’t see why she felt the way she did, she sensed it. And she didn’t want him to see how scarred she was about it. To give up that chance was one thing, to lie about it after, to deny it, to let her walk out of that door in LA without telling her......she knew he thought he was saving her from feeling like this, but it didn’t make it any easier. It wounded her. Like hell.

He looked at her, his eyes pleading.

“Buffy, I do care. You should know that. We’ve been through this.”

“Somebody pass me a bucket. Angel, the-very-so-cool-one cares! That deserves a drink.”

Spike passed her one, and she drank it with relish.

“This isn’t you.” Angel disagreed.

“Well, that’s where it is, dead boy. I think you’ll find that maybe I don’t know who I am anymore.” Buffy whispered. “I just don’t ......... don’t know.”

Angel’s mouth twitched.

“Will you please come with me, or will I have to phone Giles?”

Spike clapped his hands.

“Ooh, do bring in the Calvary.” He shook his head. “And to think I contemplated sitting in and watching some cheesy horror movie tonight!” Spike laughed.

Angel glared at him, and placed a hand on Buffy’s

shoulder.She jumped away from him as if he scalded her, and she fell to floor in a drunken topple.

“Don’t you dare touch me!” She screeched, and picked herself off the floor, and shuffled out to the parking lot. “You don’t have the

right!”Angel and Spike followed, Angel holding her jacket. He went over to her, and held it out.

“Take your jacket. You’ll freeze.” He told her.

She ignored him, and turned away.

Spike, sensing an opportunity, walked over, taking the jacket, and slid it onto Buffy’s shoulders, caressing her bare arms in an intimate gesture. Buffy turned to him, and snuggled into his body, a ‘come hither’ smile on her face, her arms snaking round his waist.

Angel, snarling, pulled them both away from each other, violently. Buffy, intoxicated, fell to the wet ground, giggling. Spike drew away, hands up, laughing.

“Calm down old boy. Just coping a little slayer feel. See you around.”

He saluted the slayer.

“Gotta go now Cutie. Be seeing you.”

“Yeah ....... Oh, and Spike ...” She sang, puckered her lips, and blew him a kiss. “...thank you so much.”

Laughing gaily, Spike strolled away.

“What was that?” Angel demanded.

“What?” Buffy smirked, not attempting to get up from the ground.

Angel grabbed her and righted her in a standing position, letting her go immediately. Buffy brushed at where he touched her, as if trying to rid herself of the feel of his contact.

“You and Spike. What was it?”

“Oh that!” She giggled. “I was just playing.......”

“Buffy?!” Riley came into view from the shadows, and ran to where she twisted to see him.

“Riley!” She giggled again, and threw himself into his arms. “Kiss me....” She whispered, and started kissing him.

Riley, thought not unrespondant, broke away from her. Angel, looking away, unable to watch, felt his fists bunch.

“Buffy? Angel? What’s going on?” He wanted to know. “I thought you had gone.” He said to Angel, and turned to get a better look at Buffy. “Have you been drinking?”

Buffy took offence at this, and marched away from the both of them, muttering curses.

“Buffy!” Riley and Angel said together, and started after her.

“Why is she like this Angel?” He asked as they followed her.

“Buffy’s......well,” Angel started uneasily. “she’s very.....hormonal.”

Riley looked at him in a weird way.

“That’s what the others said.”

“Must be true then. Ah, Buffy!”

She appeared before them.

“I feel sick.” She gasped out, and bent double, was sick into the bushes surrounding the parking lot.

Riley tenderly swept her hair away from her face, and patted her back in a soothing motion. Angel stood, observing the gestures with distress.

“It’s alright Buffy, I’m here. It’s alright.” Riley whispered. He turned. “Angel, could you -” He broke off.

Angel had disappeared.

Giles looked down at a sleeping Buffy as the sun rose that morning. Willow and Xander were sitting in the bedroom. Riley, with an Initiative meeting, and college tutorials on his schedule, had reluctantly left to go back to the college. Angel had not been in touch since he had disappeared and left Buffy and Riley an hour earlier.

“Does anybody actually know what is going on here?” Xander piped up from the chair. “Because I for one, am mightily confused.”

“So am I, Xander.” Giles said worryingly. “Willow, if she has said anything to you, anything at all, I think you should tell us. I have never seen her in quite such a state as this, it’s quite disquieting.” He rubbed the apex of his nose.

“Angel.” She said simply, a look on her face that said that they wouldn’t understand.

“We got that much, Will.”

Willow bit her lip.

“No, Giles, it’s not just Angel.” She continued. “I think that, yesterday, when Buffy fainted, she saw something....I’m not quite sure what. Some memory of something.”

“Of what though?” Giles asked.

“There’s more.” Willow hesitated. “I hung around the graveyard last night, you know, to make sure she was okay, she was pretty erratic.....” She paused again. “But then Angel turned up. She went wild,” Willow shook her head, recalling. “She was screaming, and then......then she had this mini fight with him. Except she was doing all the fighting.”

Giles was thoughtful.

“She kicked his ass?” Xander asked hopefully.

“Whatever happened Giles, it’s hurt her really badly. I’ve not seen her like this since.....”

They were all quiet, remembering.

“What has he done to her this time?!” Xander muttered harshly.

“Now Xander, we must not jump to conclusions.” Giles told him. “Angel may not be the cause of this. It may even be Riley, or even herself. Buffy is at that age where she is at a cross-roads in her life, and she will have to make some tumultuous choices, to say the least. But I think that what we must do, is simply be there for her. Whenever she needs us.”

Buffy, lying in the bed, facing away from them, opened her eyes, and blinked away tears.

“You mean, it’s our turn to be strong for her?” Xander translated.

“Yes, I do.”

“What if she thinks she can go this alone Giles?” Willow asked, knowing her friend.

“Then we’ll have to show her that we will not be just swept away. We’re her friends. We will be here for her, whether she wants us to not.”

“You guys really think that ‘the situation’ is that bad?” Xander put forward. “Knowing Angel, he probably thinks that whatever it was he’s done, was the best for Buffy.” He rolled his eyes. “Like he always does what’s best for Buffy.”

“If, whatever it is, is enough to make a girl like Buffy go out to, to some pub and drink herself, well, witless, thus forgetting all her principles, and her duties, then yes. I do think that ‘the situation’ as you put it, is that ‘bad’. I have no idea what is going on. But when she’s ready, she’ll come to us. And as for Angel doing what is best for Buffy, then I do believe he does Xander. He’s always known that a vampire in love with a vampire slayer would never work. No matter how much he wants it to. And I applaud him for carrying through with what he believes is best for the woman he loves. Now come on you two, let’s get some sleep ourselves before Buffy wakes up.”

They all trooped out, thinking amongst themselves, and closed the door silently, and Buffy sat up in the bed, a hand to her head. She slipped out of the covers, and reached for her clothes.

The old mansion on Crawford Street from the street was lit up with the mid morning sunshine, but Buffy knew it was the best place to get rid of that sunlight when you were close and in the house.

She climbed the wall and jumped down, walking into the well shadowed entry way.

She was not feeling much of anything. If anything, she felt a sense of calmness, lightness.

She was going to do what she thought best.

Angel was in the old hall, where, what seemed like a long time ago, they had trained together, bringing him back to fitness, and fought both Gwendolyn Post, a watcher turned evil, and Faith. And also, where Angel had returned from five hundred years in Hell.

He was moving slowly, expertly, the actions precise and co-ordinated. His eyes were shut in concentration, his performance unhurried and

conscious.She remembered it well, Tai Chi.

She knew he must have heard her entrance, but she remained quiet until he had finished anyway. To be polite, she guessed ironically.

“Co-ordination seems to be better.” She joked in bad taste.

Angel turned to her viciously, and Buffy stepped back, afraid and surprised.

“Don’t ever, ever joke about what happened between us that day.” He threatened. “Do not ever turn it into some farcical act and do not ever belittle it in any way, okay?”

Buffy looked at him, her mouth agape.

“You.....you want to remember what happened!” She realised.

“Yeah, of course I do.” He told her gratingly. “It was....” He turned away from her. “It was one of the three most beautiful things that has happened in all of my life.” He turned back to her. “And that’s in more than two hundred years.”

“Then why deny me that remembrance?” She asked feelingly. “If we couldn’t be together, if you had to erase the day, why not let me feel the same as you, Angel? Why take that chance to at least be happy ..... remembering?”

“It wasn’t my choice. It was my punishment. Mine. I was meant to go on with my life knowing that I was, for that day, a mortal, and that I had a chance at being happy with you. What I always wanted. But I couldn’t let myself stay that way, and watch you fight and maybe die alone. And go on with my life not helping the people we were meant to.” His voice was punishing, cruel, hitting out at her. “And to tell you, to let you know about what we did, what I did, would be punishing you too.” He paused and wiped at his brow with a towel. “And considering the way you reacted, you would probably have only seen the badness in my actions anyway.”

“Seen the badness in what? That you gave me up again - gave up a beating heart for the sake of a few tortured people that were my responsibility?”

“And mine too.” He pounced.

“The dark avenger.” She murmured. “You had your redemption, Angel. And you chose to give it back. I can’t pretend to understand that.”

“It was an accident that the Mohra demon turned me into a human. It wasn’t supposed to happen. And if I’d stayed that way, then you’d be dead.”

“We’re back to this, are we? And since we are, I remember this bit myself You said that the Mohra had told you that more were coming. I said that it was my responsibility, and you said that you would not let me fight and die alone. That you knew that you loved me, and you had to do it. For the both of us.”

Angel shrugged uneasily.

Buffy walked round the hall way, in silence for a short time, and then she sat down on a bench.

“I guess you were right about one thing, Angel.” She told him. “I did only see the badness in the memory that was given to me. At first,” She stood up and started walking again, gesturing with her arms. “I couldn’t see past being deceived by you. It felt as if everything I had believed in you, had been erased. I trusted you with my life, and you had broken that. Because here I was, being shown scenes where you and I were being wonderful together, were loving each other, without any consequences - we were equals! Here I was being shown all this, and I couldn’t remember your touch on my body, or the feel of your heart beat on my cheek..... It was like waking up with a memory lapse and watching a movie that I had starred in, but didn’t recall. It scared me.”

“You’re talking in past tense.”

She smiled as she heard the hope in his voice. And she steeled herself to be strong, steeled herself to love him - and leave him. For once, she was going to be the unselfish one.

“I still don’t get why the memory was given to me.” She admitted. “I’ve more than shown that I am not worthy of it, this gift. And it is a gift Angel. It’s special. But if I do know one thing it is that I both admire you ..... and loathe you for giving the powers back your mortality. And yet, I know that I would never have had the courage, never had the will to give you up if I had you like that. But you did.”

He turned away from her. He couldn’t let her see that although she thought he was strong, he was actually weak. Weak for her, for the life they could have had together. And he’d give anything to feel his heart beating again, to touch Buffy without feeling the guilt that he was holding her down, holding her back from the life she deserved.

“I had to.”

Buffy threw her arms in the air. Her heart rate was fast, and her palms were sweaty, and she walked nearer to him.

“So you keep saying. And I’m not saying that I will fully understand why you did it. No poetry will make me understand this time. All I’m trying to say to you is that...” She walked closer to him, and she could feel her breath on his face. “I’m sorry for reacting the way I did. For pushing what we did back in your face in anger. Because, it’s all changed now. I feel what I was shown. When you touched my hand in the kitchen...” She reached out to take his hand. “...I can feel it like I felt it then....” Her hand snaked out to touch his chest. “.....and most of all, I remember, and I can feel.......your heart beating against my head and my hand.”

“I didn’t want to give you up, or being human, Buffy.” He whispered. “They are the two things I want most in this world. And my other beautiful moments, the three in two hundred and forty four years, was meeting you for the first time, kissing you for the first time.......and making love to you on your seventeenth birthday. I know that Angelus became free in doing so, but I was given one moment of pure happiness.”

Tears were streaking down her face silently, and she laughed through them.

“I feel the same. Now, when I remember my seventeenth, and how we made love that night, I remember what I felt then, not afterward. Nothing mattered but the then and there.” She tried to blink away the tears, but nothing happened, and she laughed again. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that, when I remember, the second, and the third, and the fourth time, we made love.....I’ll remember how it felt to have you near, and to feel your heart beating next to mine. The then and there, not the aftermath.”

“I did take that away from you though, I -” Angel began, and tried to turn around, but Buffy stopped him.

“It doesn’t matter, Angel. I know how much it cost you to go to the .....powers.... and ask them to take back the day.”

“Yeah.” His voice betrayed how he didn’t like talking about his feelings.

Buffy bit her lip, and stopped him from turning round again.

“Please, don’t turn around. I’ve made enough of a fool of myself without showing my mascara streaks and blotchy cheeks to you.”

“I’ve seen it all before.” He attempted lightly, and she punched him delicately on the back, sniffling slightly.

“I know.....” She paused, and then her voice was held back, controlled. “And in an effort to embarrass myself further, I want to ask you something.”

Angel knew what she was going to ask.

“I want to know....what...what you felt like....when.....you were with me. Was it different, weird.....Did you feel the same about me?” She asked.

He paused, unsure about whether or not to answer.

“Please? I know how I’m feeling. You know how I’m feeling. You always know how I’m feeling. I wear my heart on my sleeve but you...you just bottle it all up inside. I’ve never known how you feel.”

“I’ve told you -”

“You tell me you love me. But I’ve never known how you’ve felt, Angel.....please, tell me how you felt.”

He took a deep breath, and Buffy rested her head on his back, smiling ever so slightly, breathing in his fragrance.

“I felt......different. More...attune to what I was feeling - and doing. I felt the blood pounding through my body, and it was both confusing and exhilarating at the same time.” He shuddered, remembering. “When I held you, I ...... went up in flames, and there was no remembrance of what I had been turned into, and why we couldn’t be. There was nothing but what we were both feeling......you and me. It made me giddy and hungry for more...... and I loved you so much more than I ever have before.” He trailed off, his breathing laboured. “When....After they erased the day, being me wasn’t as comfortable as it was before. When I was breathing, I was reminded I didn’t need to anymore. I looked at the food in the ice box, and I felt none of the taste buds that I had gained when I......And when I looked at you standing the office, moments after I had held you in my arms and heard your voice saying you would never forget, and to have you look at me with those tortured eyes, unknowing eyes, made me feel sick to the stomach ....... but I knew then, that what I felt, looking at you was the only feeling that felt real in both worlds.” He wouldn’t look at her, and she screamed silently inside her head, for both him and her, and what they had. “I hated doing that to you, Buffy. I hated that you didn’t remember, and that I was deceiving you. I wondered whether I could go through with it. Kill the Mohra demon, my only way of being human.... and let you go. And when I smashed the jewel, there was no turning back. What was done, was done. I couldn’t change it, even though I desperately wanted to.”

“You didn’t think of telling me, when I was standing there?” Her voice was strangled.

“Every second. But I couldn’t do it, because you wouldn’t have understood. You couldn’t have. Why tell you something that in your memory, never existed? Why put you through that? The agony of knowing, but not remembering. I had both. The knowing and the memories. In the end, all I had was that.”

“Is it enough?” She asked in a choked voice.

He smiled, and thought of when she had put her hand on top of his in the kitchen and he had burned up instantly.

“Sometimes.” He answered truthfully.

“I need you to know that I felt used when I remembered. Maybe violated in some way. But then I thought about how you had held something that precious away from me, that you had denied me, not only yourself, but the memory of it, too, and I hurt so worse than all the times before. It wasn’t so much that you had asked for the day to be taken back, it was the fact that you had let me walk out of your office not knowing. And it was so confusing for me, when I first saw what had happened, because my body didn’t remember. And my mind sure as hell didn’t -”

“All I’ve ever done is bring you grief and pain.”

“And love.” She prompted softly. “What you did, giving them back the day, you did out of love. And loyalty to what you believe in. And that’s why I believe in you. I’ll never joke about what we shared that day Angel. Never. Because I remember every little feeling, every sensation and emotion now, and I will remember them whenever I’ll remember you. I told you that day, that I would never forget, but I did. And I’m sorry for that, but know now, that I never will. Seeing you in the sunlight, seeing you walking towards me, what I felt, I’ll always remember how beautiful you looked. And I’ll not only remember what we shared and what I felt, but what you did when you faced the Mohra for the second time.”

The air was fraught with sexual tension, and Buffy couldn’t move from beside him, from holding him. How could she let him go? She wasn’t strong, she had never been strong when it came to Angel.

And then he spoke.

“I miss cookie-dough-fudge-mint ice cream.” He joked.

She laughed a little wildly, and closed her eyes behind him, and leaned into him further. Then, still holding him, she stood up straighter, and whispered to him so softly that he had to strain to hear

“My body misses you.”

She withdrew her touch from him with difficulty, and stood behind him, her hands clasped to stop them from reaching out to touch him.

Her breathing was slow, and her indecision could be seen clearly on her face. But then her eyes glittered.

Angel: “I know. I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure -” Buffy: "I understand. - So, what happens now?'

She had to let him go.

They couldn’t keep going on this way, it wasn’t right for either of them. There was too much between them, too much had happened. It had to be this way.

Her voice was soft.

“I know you love me Angel. I know because you came back here when I needed you. And I know, because you left after graduation to give me back my life. And part of why you gave your mortality back, was in order to save my life, and the lives of others. So I guess I owe you, my life, huh?” Her voice had started to shake and she stopped, gathering strength.

It was hard. It was so hard. Her insides squeezed and pulled, and fought against what she was doing. Her heart pounded heavily. And her head spun as she continued.

“I don’t know what to say, or to say this, without sounding crass or extremely lame. But it’s because that I love you all the more now that I have to be strong too. Or at least try to be, because we both know, I never was when it came to loving or leaving you. And I can’t keep waiting on you to be the one to be strong. I can’t keep relying on you, I’ve gotta see if I can make it on my own..... I guess. I keep saying that I’m a big girl, and I guess I should show that I am.” She bit her lip, and her eyes shone clean with tears. “So, I’m gonna leave now. And you’re gonna go back to LA and save everybody’s ass. And I’m gonna to stay here, and ..... well, go to class and be ‘The Chosen One’. And continue flunking psyche. But I’ll fight easier, knowing that I have you fighting with me. And that you’re watchin’ my back. Like old times.” She saw him move, and stopped him. “Don’t turn around. Do me that last favour. No goodbyes this time, I don’t think I could stand this strong stuff if you looked at me.” She turned away, and then turned back. “One more thing........ maybe .... if you find another Mohra demon,” Tears started to gather and fall, but her voice never faltered. “you could capture it, and keep it for a time when we can be together. Preferably when I’m not seventy and you’re ..... you .....” Her voice was a sliver of breath. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He whispered, and on the wind, she caught it, smiled in a frail way, and lay down a piece of paper for him to find.

“I’ll never forget.” Buffy told in a final undertone.

She took one last look at him, wiped away the tears that were overflowing, turned her back away from him, and walked out.

Angel turned to see her leave.

“Neither will I.” He said.

Riley saw her walking across the campus lawn, and he sat on a bench, and waited for her.

He squinted through the sunlight.

“Hey there. How you feeling this morning?” He asked cautiously.

She stopped and looked down at him, her face serious.

“We need to talk.”

“Uh oh. Sounds serious.” He jumped up. “Is there danger, do you want -”

“No, nothing like that. Come with me.” She took his hand, and guided him away.

Willow sat with Xander under a tree, and watched them go.

“She’s gonna tell him.” She summarised.

“Nah. Why would she do a stupid thing like that?” Xander asked, biting on an apple.

“Because it’s the right thing to do.” Willow told him haughtily. “Like she’ll tell Riley that Angel’s a vampire.” Xander scoffed.

Willow looked at him in surprise.

“I didn’t mean she’ll tell him that Angel’s all ‘grr’, I meant she’ll tell him about him and her, that they loved each other.”

“Him and her?”

“Xander, eat your apple.”

Riley sat on the edge of her bed, and looked at her thoughtfully as she paced up and down, wondering how to phrase the conversation.

“This is pretty much an impulsive thing I’m doing here, so feel free to stop me anytime you want.” She stopped and looked at him. “Like now, before I speak.” She smiled in false brightness. “Wanna go out for pizza?”

Riley looked at her in understanding.

“Is this about you and Angel?”

Buffy looked at him, open-mouthed, and sat down beside him.

“Okay, where did that come from, soldier boy?”

“Well, since he turned up, things have pretty much been ..... goofy.” Riley generalised.

“Well, yeah.”

“So...” He started. “I’m guessing you and he have a

past.”Buffy whistled.

“Ooh, yeah, we have a past alright.” She looked at him and said hurriedly. “That you never need to know about. Very boring stuff. Completely send you to sleep.”

“Broke your heart?” Riley guessed.

Buffy couldn’t believe this.

“A few times, yeah, you could say that .....”

“I like him. He’s a nice guy.” Riley said, his voice entirely without jealousy.

Buffy peered at him closely.

“Uh huh.”

Riley looked at her, and laughed.

“You look as confused as I felt yesterday morning.”

“You are taking this way cooler than I thought you

would.”He looked at her.

“What’s to take? You’re both in the past. Having a past means you’re history. Right?” He asked.

Buffy nodded quickly, mouth still agape.

“Then I have nothing to worry about, do I? And you seem alright now. No fainting spells or drunken binges.”

“No, I guess you don’t have anything to worry about. Especially no drunken binges or fainting spells.” Her voice was worried. “I hope.” She looked at him and smiled widely. “Guess they told you I’m extremely hormonal?”

“Exact words.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me still.” She told him.

“I’ve got time.”

She smiled at him, and felt her heart jerk.

She would try her best to try and make it work with Riley. She loved Angel, she would always love him.

But maybe she could love Riley too, in her own way. She would never love him as much as she loved Angel, that was never a possibility. But then Riley was nothing like Angel, and that was good.

Riley would always just be Riley. There would be no fear with him, no hurt. When they had sex, she didn’t dread that she’d wake up in the morning and find him evil. She knew that they would be good for each other.

He reached out for her, and she snuggled into him, a content look on her face.

Then her eyes sparkled and she witnessed an apparition take place inside her mind .... "Angel? This is the first time I ever really felt this way." "What way?" "Just like I've always wanted to. Like a normal girl, falling asleep in the arms of her normal boyfriend. It's perfect." She reached out for Riley, and he hugged her tightly. And she looked out of the dorm window, into the rapidly falling darkness, and whispered Thank you Angel.

The End

Coming soon .... part three in the prologue series, 'Back Again'. Angel's back .... or is he?

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