Stupid Hummer Tricks
This page is devoted to the outrageous, stupid, unusual
and just fun situations
that Hummers and their owners
have gotten into as a result of the Beast.
Full Moon Madness
I was driving my Hummer and I came to a bit of a dilemma. A traffic
jam. There was a white Impala in front of me.
It was a 1977, a true classic. So I had my buddy go and hook up the
winch. I pulled the boat out of the way and drove off. BOY IT WAS
FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Amusing Response . . .
This is a response we received about buying a used Hummer:
"Hello, I am highly interested in purchasing
a used Hummer, and from what I've seen, your dealership is the finest of the
few that sell used Hummers. However, I've never purchased a car before, so
I, well, don't really know what I'm talking about. The only knowledge I do
have about buying a car is pretty much from what I hear in commercials
(mainly stuff about financing). So, basically, I would like to know if your
dealership offers financing (what execatly is financing anyways??), and if
so, what would one have to do to qualify for it? Thanks for the help..."
Driving UNDERWATER!
As a sergeant in the Marines, I noticed that many of the Hummers we had in the unit were
equipped with "Snorkel Kits". One of the motor pool NCOs informed me that this would allow
the vehicle to travel while submerged under water. He said that the engine was sealed and that as
long as no water went into air-intake/exhaust it could travel through some rather deep water. I
don't know just how capable this feature is, but I do know that on one particular occasion, we
were traveling through some swampy areas and I gave the order to my driver to stop. He
willingly obeyed, but could not understand why I was so exasperated. It seems that we were
about to cross a flooded area that sported over 3 feet of water! He told me not to worry and to
hold onto my seat, and then we proceeded to cross over 50 yards of hard-flowing water up to the
doors. We were in a soft-top and did get a fair amount of water into the cab, but what a rush!
Since that time I have dreamed nightly of owning one of these babies (although I hope the seats
are a little more comfortable than the military version - you practically have to keep a tube of
Preparation-H with you at all times because its a rough ride). -- from capfund@cris.com
Muddin'
I've been stuck in the mud a number of times. It is not too difficult to do all you need is two feet
of good mud. I have only been stuck in man-made mud, where heavy equipment has destroyed
the subgrade. Natural mud holes always seem to have enough solid ground to power through.
The worst (Best) experience was trying to cross a stream with steep ravines on either side. My
Godzilla glands got all fired up thinking about it, but I tried to suppress them. I told my friend
that since the water was about 18 inches deep, we'd be looking at another 12 inches of mud and
combined with the 50 degree approach and departure angles, we'd be stuck for sure. He called
me chicken. Next thing you know I am standing up to my waist in freezing cold water trying to
figure out where the front of the Hummer went and if I'd ever see it again. I pulled the winch
cable up the ravine and attached it to a tree halter and returned to the truck. Great...except that
the end of the cable was about 20 ft from the winch, and the end frayed. I spent the net hour
trying to reattach the cable to the submerged winch with frozen, scratched, and bleeding hands. I
eventually got it though and with an extension chain was able to winch up and out. Thank God
for my winch. It protects me like none other. -- from Dave E.
Over the Hill and into the . . .
As a private stationed in Korea, I was assigned to drive the lieutenant on my first trip to the field.
This was during June and the Monsoon season had just begun. We got seven inches of rain in
one night and needless to say the ground was soup. We had to set up for a night range and the
lieutenant needed to cross a rather steep hill to set up a retrans station. Coming over the top of
the hill, I noticed that the other half of the hill had slid completely away. My HumVee slid down
about a 65 degree drop-off into a mud hole that buried it up to the windows. We couldn't get a
tank close enough to tow it out, so we had to radio for an air support unit and have it air lifted
out. -- Josh B.
Narrow Alley -- No Problema
This was a case of "narrow-mindedness" as much as anything. I was going around the block
because I spied a parking space. To save a little distance I decided to go down the alley instead
of going all the way around the block. I start to turn into the alley and I noticed a van parked
there with clearly not enough room for a wide Hummer to pass. Darn!
Wait a minute! This is a Hummer for Crissakes. How dare I think I can't get by! So I turned
down the alley. When I approached the van, I slowed down, popped the transmission into Low
Lock and proceeded to drive up the 20-inch wall on the side of the alley. With the left wheels on
the top of the wall, the Hummer was tilted at a rather steep angle -- quite a thrill for my
passenger. I drove past the van, turned to come down off the wall, and was on my way. No
Problema!
Bumpy Night Mission
While on a night mission I had to drive without lights. The Staff Sergeant who was with me in
the passenger seat was catching a nap. I was driving down a dirt road looking for camp. All of a
sudden the passenger side of the hummer went straight up and the truck was leaning at a 45
degree angle and then dropped back down. I was surprised but my passenger was REALLY
surprised. I don't know if he was cursing or praying because he was yelling in Spanish. A few
seconds later it happened again! I tried to stop the vehicle but it happened one last time before I
stopped. I got out to see what it was I hit. There was a long line of dirt piles in the road, each at
least four-foot tall. I hit the first three with the front right side tire. Had I been in my own S-10
truck, we would have been flipped over. I started laughing because it was the most fun I had in a
while. The Sarge kept yelling about how I had tried to kill him.
Mud Slide Slim
Well, I am not so sure I want to admit this, but I got a Hummer stuck and had to call a tow truck.
Of course, now I have a winch and can get myself out of such jams. But at the time my friends
thought it incredibly funny. The fact that it was midnight only made them laugh harder. Mr.
Hummer Guy, showing off his new toy to his friends . . .
I thought these things were unstuckable! Wait a minute. I should not be chastised and laughed
at. Maybe I did something that deserves commendation. Yes, of course, I deserve
commendation -- I stuck the unstuckable. Well, would you believe . . .
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