September 22, 1999 |
|
It's a beautiful day in Seattle again. It's been 80 degrees and pure sunshine the whole month of Sept so far. In fact, it's been so dry here that we have fire warnings all over the state. Work is going rather well. I think I might be getting a raise soon, my models are finished and on time. I look good. People say I look 23, and I can fit into all of Josie's clothes. I'm not even wearing any underware right now. I haven't been sick at all this year. I have my own apartment now. And in a short time, I will be buying that Nissan I always wanted. So, everything about my career and apartment life is just wonderful. So why am I feeling so bad today? I do. I feel like shit today because I realized my social life is fucked to hell. All my friends always move away. Remember Ander? Whatever happened to that shithead? And he took your best drinking friend with him, so fuck if I'd have a chance making a friend of her. And Avery moved away, so much for that sex. Then Edgar, so much for that pot. Dooley will be moving away soon because he wants to break into the music industry. So he's going to move to LA or New York next year sometime. And when you moved away, I thought you would be the hardest one yet to deal with. I mean, we're still friends. We haven't changed much since you moved, and we have a blast everytime we're together. But it's not like you are just one of those expendable friends like Edgar and Ander. You were my family. You changed me, made me happy. Turned me on. You were so much to me. And now it's just this and that email. It's not the same. And to this day, it's STILL hard for me to deal with your absense... and now last night AL told me he will be moving when his military enrollment is done. That will be mid 2002. He was crying when he told me. It's his job. He gets paid too little to tolerate the abuse his body takes. He said he didn't even know what he wanted to do for a career. So he wants to wander the world to figure it out. I gave him my support, of course. But secretly, I can't deal with that day. The one where he leaves me too, just like all my other friends. It will rip my marble bag wide open. I will be 28, with fears of meeting another Barron, yet knowing I will never meet another AL. Going to clubs will be a lonely experience. And what if I stumble upon Lucy or Barron? Fuck. Why do only the ASSHOLES stick around? Why is that? I know I'd still see AL. Maybe 2 or 3 times a year, but that would steadily decline through time. AL and I will become a lot like what you and I have right now: Infrequent, yet memorable visits. Phone calls, emails. I know I can be happy here without AL, but I think after a while I would start forgetting about him. Forgetting his touch and his thoughts. The way he looks asleep. The way he snores, just a bit. The way he whispers to me. And when he leaves, I don't know if I will want to make any more friends. They all move away.Even the best ones. |
Rebecca Feinerhosen Index |