Note, 8/30/07: Oh man. This is old. Everything here is old. BBSes. Instructions for Win95. Ohhhh my.
These are all of the funny stories\jokes I have collected through e-mail, off BBSes, and on the internet, so they are all public domain. In English that means "If you want it, copy it, send it your friends, whatever." Some of the jokes may involve material for those who are of the teenager variety and older, but there isn't anything really bad...
(Skip this paragraph if you know how to get the stuff from here to your computer)Anyways, to copy this onto your computer, simply highlight the text you want to copy, right-click, click "copy", then click "start", "programs" "accessories", then click on "notepad" or "wordpad". After whichever one you picked opens up, right-click on the area for typing and click "paste". Click "file", "save", type in a name that you want the document to be called (i.e. "funnies") and click "save". If you are using Netscape, a Mac, or both, instead of right-clicking, click on "edit" at the top of your browser.
Is Barney The Evil One?
Everyone knows Barney... that cute purple dinosaur. But here's something that you may not know:
1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman Numerals:
CV V L DI V
4. Convert these into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5. Add these numbers up:
100
5
5
50
500
1
+ 5
----
666
There you have it.....
A valid mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!
Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker
-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
-Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years
running.
-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
-Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
-Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
-Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
-Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
-Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.
-Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning,
Mr./Mrs. President."
-You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor
"I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
The Exam Story
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago
in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus
final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test
needing a descent grade to pass the class. His only problem with
Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this person standing in the
front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had
to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure
himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said
"pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the
front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into
fourty...almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend
finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the
front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat
at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete
his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the
student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of
the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of
time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was
clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard
time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the profesor gloated,
"Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently,
I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor, "Do you know who
I am?"
"What?" replied the professor grufly, annoyed that the student
showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my
name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said
slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks
half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack,
let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around,
and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
Wildlife Religion
50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
noises.
After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday
was the last day to drop.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while
muttering "tsk, tsk".
Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle
throughout it.
Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex
Machine."
Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would
know" and move on before anyone can answer.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you
as you pace back and forth.
Address students as "worm".
Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at
any moment.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin
singing spirituals.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name,
rank, and serial number.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that
the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence
and proceed normally.
Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks
a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with
your hands.
Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
ask students to "sit back and groove".
Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their
essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and
is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog
and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself
in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every
ten minutes.
Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or
"fake the funk".
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1,
Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug
I picked up in the field".
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped?
ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
50 Fun Things for Students to do on the First Day of Class
Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by
waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus
the overhead projector.
Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into
sharp points.
Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my
name, don't wear it out!"
Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his
soul would go if he died tomorrow.
Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak
louder.
Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In
the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether
he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the
professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
Sing your questions.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S
MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If
you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir
Fernandez O'Reilly.
Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR
FLY".
Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend
bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
Address the professor as "your excellency".
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if
he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your
face.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle
haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't
understand you.
Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the
chalkboard erasers.
Watch the professor through binoculars.
Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside
you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY
EYES!"
Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of
your name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and
snickering.
As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the
board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
Claim that you wrote the class text book.
Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump
up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup
Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after
the professor answers.
Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S
stands for "stud".
Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell
that?"
Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room
while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to
retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
Wink at the professor every few minutes.
In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes
in ghosts.
Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you
laugh.
Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the
blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you
can't see Macedonia.
College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.
Useless Information
An Ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
It was discovered on a space mission that a
frog can
throw up. The frog
throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach
is
dangling out of it's mouth.
Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out
all of
the stomach's contents
and then swallows the stomach back down again.
White Out was invented by the mother of Mike
Nesmith
(Formerly of the
Monkees).
In England, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed
to speak.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh
floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving
than a
cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about
eight
floors for the cat to
realize what is occurring, relax and correct
itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of
mucus
every two weeks otherwise
it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the
only
two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present
and
don't die throughout the
movie.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is
typed
with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push
your
thumbs into its
eyeballs- it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has
both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle; if the horse
has one
front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received
in
battle; if the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died
of
natural causes.
No word in the English language rhymes with
month,
orange, silver, and
purple.
Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
signed
on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in
the
English language.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic
to
carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on
Berlin
during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play
it
again, Sam."
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my
dear
Watson."
More people are killed annually by donkeys
than die
in air crashes.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th
of a
second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the
machine
that makes them looks
like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming
1/10
of a calorie.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from
an old
English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider
than your thumb.
Warning Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods from across the world:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner!
No
purchase necessary.
Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like
regular
soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion:
Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits
one
head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of
the box): Do not
turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product
will be
hot after
heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron
clothes
on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not
drive
car or operate
machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out
of
children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For
indoor or
outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used
for the
other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains
nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet,
eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop
chain
with your
hands or genitals.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Cat's Secret Journal
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Cat Definitions
Miaow
Feed me.
Meeow
Pet me.
Mrooww
I love you.
Miioo-oo-oo
I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
Mrow
I feel like making noise.
Rrrow-mawww
Please, the time has come to tidy the litter box
Rrrow-miawww
I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
Miaowmiaow
Play with me
Miaowmioaw
Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
Mioawmioaw
Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture
Raowwwww
I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
Mrowwwww
I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww
I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
Gakk-ak-ak
My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
Mow
Snuggling is a good idea.
Moww
Shedding is pretty good too
Mowww!
I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow!
I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk!
Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
SsssRoww!
I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
Mmmrowmmm
It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
Mmmmmmm
If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Mreoaw
Please ask room service to send up another can of tuna fish.
Mreeeow
Do you serve catnip with that?
Mroow
I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How am I doing?
Miaooww! Mriaow!
Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.
A Frog Story
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.....9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit.. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"The frog replies, "Ribbit.. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit.. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit... 3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding
back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit... Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"......And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Broken Down and Drunk
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies,
"I'm over here, on your swing."
Fun Things To Do When Driving
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more
it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or
sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts
out the window.
Paint your car with occult symbols.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...
1) You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2) Your Jedi robe is camouflage
3) You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill, or Mad Dog 20-20.
4) At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5) You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
6) You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
7) You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.
8) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
9) Wookies are offended by your B.O.
10) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
11) You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
12) Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
darkside... it'll be a hoot."
13) You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
14) You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
landspeeder.
15) You think Han Solo would look better in flannel cause he looks a
little sissy in that vest.
16) You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.
17) You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to slide
in through the window.
18) Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt
had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
19) You ever fell in love with your sister.
20) You have ever referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn
Yankees."
21) You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
22) You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood
deck.
23) You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during
the cantina scene.
24) In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."
Bumper Stickers
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
The Drunk
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees
a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his
keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The Sermon
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh** out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The reccomended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Refrigerator
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter
had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close
to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected
my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early
to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor
apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my
searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could
have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25
floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his
fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he
let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into
the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore,
so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw
it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I
had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and
let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about
heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th
floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my
exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have
slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long,
when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I
thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on
me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran
into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started
pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I
got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay,
this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes
me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the
whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was
full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside
a refrigerator..."
Getting On The Bus
A bus pulls up and an attractive young lady is about to get on it. She is wearing a rather short and tight skirt, with a zipper in the back. Well, she tries to go up the steps of the bus but she can't, so she reaches back and pulls down the zipper a little bit. She tries again, and still no go. She does it one more time and all of a sudden she feels a pair of hands on her rear push her up the steps. She turns around, slaps the man behind her, and says, "Sir, I hardly know you!" Then he says, "Hey lady, I hardly know you...but you just unzipped my pants three times in the past minute!"
How To Be Annoying
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with
a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers themesong.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being
first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that
people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Send E-mail chain letters
Top 100 things to do while ordering a pizza:
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's,
ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you
would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'
Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place). start to cry
and ask "Do you know what its like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where
was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk
and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. .
. action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH
this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the
order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going
to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they
felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get
it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated.
I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often;
act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
Things to do at a Drive-Thru
Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
Ask how they fit into that little box.
If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
When asked if they can take your order say " No, why can I take yours?"
If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? ...the answer is in their horoscope!
ARIES (March 21 to April 19): Chickens born under the sign of Aries are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions. GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they do not know what is on the other side and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence. CANCER (June 21 to July 22): While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side. LEO (July 20 to August 22): Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They need plenty of drama and color to escape a normal, humdrum existence. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunities it provides. VIRGO(August 23 to September 22): Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do. LIBRA (September 23 to October 22): Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They are compelled to think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making crossing the road always a considerable risk to themselves and others. SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21): Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so. SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21): These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world, and a spirit which longs to be free. CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19): Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs. AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18): Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future. PISCES (February 19 to March 20): Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.
Bus Ride
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself....BUT, when she moved the fourth time, and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud. "Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
"IN THE BEGINNING"
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those
he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And
God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said -
Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks
and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to
put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and
big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the
Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and
Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He
took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that
would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love
the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: theUser.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and
it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill
said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program
and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will
die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you
did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to
God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click
of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless -
since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmers that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer
answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them
in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run
Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated
by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.
And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have
to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers
help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User
you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you
will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
**********************************************
Gorilla In The Tree...
**********************************************
A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in
her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a
gorilla removal service.
When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the
service guy asks, Is it a male or female? Male,
she replies. Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right
there, he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of
handcuffs.
He then gives the woman some instructions. I'm
going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with
the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he
does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the
gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you
to put the handcuffs on him.
The woman asks, What do I do with the shotgun?
The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree
before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua.
FUNNY FRENCH PHRASES: Here is a list of French idioms in use
relatively recently in Paris.
FRENCH PHRASE, followed by Literal Translation, followed by
(English Equivalent):
AH LA VACHE!
Oh, my Cow! (Good God!)
C'EST LA FIN DES HARICOTS.
It's the finish of the green beans. (It's hopeless.)
POSER UN LAPIN.
To leave a rabbit. (To stand someone up.)
AVOIR LE GUEULE DE BOIS.
To have a wooden face. (Have a hangover)
FAIRE UN TABAC.
Make a tobacco. (Be the toast of the town.)
FAIRE UN BOEUF.
Make a beef. (Improvise [as a jam session.])
METTRE LES VOILES.
Put on the sails. (To split.)
SE FAIRE UNE TOILE.
To make a fabric. (Go to the movies.)
COMME UN CHEVEAU SUR LA SOUPE.
Like a hair in the soup. (Something out of context.)
FAIRE UN BIDE.
To make a big belly. (To fail, flop.)
BOIRE COMME UN TROU.
Drink like a hole. (Get smashed.)
PRENDRE LE TAUREAU PAR LES CORNES.
Take the bull by the horns. (To face a problem.)
PRENDRE SON PIED.
Take his foot. (It was swell.)
C'EST LE BOUQUET.
That's the bouquet. (That's the limit.)
J'EN AI RAS-LE-BOL.
My bowl is overflowing. (I can't take it any more.)
LES CAROTTES SONT CUITES.
The carrots are cooked. (I've had it!)
FAIRE LE PIED DE GRUE.
To make like a flamingo stands. (To wait.)
MARCHER A COTE DE SES POMPES.
To walk next to your shoes. (To be out of it.)
CHERCHER DES PUCES.
To look for fleas. (To bug someone.)
ARRETE TON CHAR.
Stop your chariot. (Stop it!!)
SE FENDRE LA PIPE.
To break the pipe. (To laugh.)
METTTRE LES PETITS PLATS DANS LES GRANDS.
Put the little plates in the big ones. (Putting on the dog.)
SE FARCUR.
To be stuffed. (To be bored.)
ETRE A LA COLLE.
To be glued. (To have a romantic adventure.)
ETRE UN BON COUP.
To be a good hit. (To be good in bed.)
CIEL, MON MARI!
Sky, my husband! (Caught in the act!)
Ways to annoy people in a public bathroom
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Darn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh sh!t! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope
into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa!
Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet
paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then
say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression
while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo
you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what
am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can
see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free".
Idiots
IDIOTS AT WORK
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
IDIOTS AT THE STORE
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare
the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate,
I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My
boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he
was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just
south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically
to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them
to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this
question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you
guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My
lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the
actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying"
was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed.
Howard's wisdom: "Everytime you make it idiot proof, somehow along comes bigger idiot."
Two Suprising Poems
(Read them all the way through, just trust me, you'll see when you get to the end)
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips
Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there
Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries
Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet
The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out
The End Of The World
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them:
"I need three important people to send my message out to all people --Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
"I have two very bad news items for you:
1-God really exists, and 2-Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:
"I have Good news and Bad News:
1-The good news is: God really does exist. 2-The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced:
"I have two fantastic announcements:
1-I am one of three most important people on earth. 2-The Year 2000 problem is solved."
Top 10 signs you are an idiot
10) You put lipstick on your forehead because you want to makeup your
mind.
9) Tripping over a cordless phone.
8) Taking a ruler to bed to see how long you slept.
7) Study for a drug test and fail.
6) Selling the car for gas money.
5) Driving to the airport and upon seeing a sign that said,
"Airport left", you turn around and go home.
4) Get locked in Furniture Shop and sleep on the floor.
3) Ordering a pizza and getting it cut into 4 slices because you can't
eat 8.
2) Holding hands tightly over ears trying to hold on to a thought.
And the number ONE sign that you are really stupid:
Going to a sperm bank and asking for scenic checks.
Elevator Ride
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New
York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the
elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian
woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
At the next stop another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator
And also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel
No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her
destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she
looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
Amazing Anagrams:
Dormitory = Dirty Room.
Evangelist = Evil's Agent.
Desperation = A Rope Ends It.
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots.
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em.
Animosity = Is No Amity.
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler.
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's.
Alec Guinness =Genuine Class.
Semolina = Is No Meal.
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet.
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one.
Contradiction = Accord not in it.
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog.
George Bush = He bugs Gore.
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord).
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era.
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone.
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer.
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
LITTLE POEM REGARDING COMPUTER SPELL CHECKERS
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
ye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Things to do at a movie
1. Wear a top hat. More Things To Do At A Movie
(Yeah I know there are some repeats and spelling errors, so shoot me...)
1. Root (that is cheering for the unenlightened) for the bad guys
2. Start the wave. If no one wants to participate, get up and move their arms for them
3. Demand that all viewers of the movie give you a tithe, to be paid in popcorn or M&Ms.
4. Act the movie out down below the screen.
5. Scream out such things as, "HE'S YOUR FATHER MAN!!!!" or, "Phone home!" anything that is remembered from other famous movies that should be yelled
6. Make hand puppets in front of the projector. Try these three: a dog, a cat, a prosthetic arm of a Korean homophobic prostitute
7. Laugh at the scary parts, scream at the funny parts.
8. Yell out that this movie was better when you were high and puked on the seat next to you. Then proceed to find a random seat someone is sitting in and say "OH LOOK! That's the seat too!"
9. Give a play by play commentary of the movie
10. Make bets on when the good guy dies. Loud bets. And pretty sick ones at that.
11. If someone ask to see your ticket, before they can get to it, ask for their ID, frisk them, and tell them you might need to take them "In for questioning" (works great to get a date too!)
12. Come to the theater dressed as the characters in the movie you will see. Act out scenes in front of ticket counter if you have already seen the movie
13. Find your "special friend" from the crowed. Sit with your "special friend" during the movie, all the while making conversation about why you picked them as your "special friend"
14. If your "special friend" contacts the manager, make the manager your new "special friend"
15. Cottage cheese, milk, and food coloring look JUST like blood.
16. Find the biggest man in the theater. Taunt him with a stuffed kitty. Then, if chased or ruffed up, say that Mister Fluffy, the stuffed cat, will have revenge
17. School assignment: Find out how the projector works. This can be accomplished many ways, the most fun of them being to take it apart with a ball ping hammer. Report your new found knowledge to the manager of the establishment
18. After going to the movies with a friend, sit across from each other. Use large signs to talk to your friend. Display your signs by holding them up, high enough for your friend to see
19. While the movie is being watched, ask everyone for their ticket. After collecting all the tickets, announce that you "are the Knighted Prince of the Tickets"
20. Take a tent to set up in the middle of the isle. Ask people if they would like to join your slumber party
Cats and Women
Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they're not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.
Obvious conclusion: Cats are tiny women in cheap fur coats.
Kitty Heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,
"You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all
you have to do is ask." "Well," the cat says, "I lived all my life
on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." "Say no more," says
God, and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and
they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he
made to the cat. "All our life," the mice say, "we've had to run.
Cats, dogs, women with brooms, have chased us. If we had roller
skates, we wouldn't have to run any more." God says he can take
care of it, and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful
pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later, God checks in on the cat, which is asleep on his
pillow.God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing?
Are you happy here?" "Never been happier," says the cat,
stretching and yawning. "And those meals on wheels you've been
sending over are great!"
Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart!
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares", and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all offand turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'llonly invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirrorwhile you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask theclerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, saythings like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're outof toilet paper in here!"
In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger last week. Here's David Letterman'sexplanation:
Top Ten McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in the Big Mac:
10) We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."
9) Condom, condiment...What's the damn difference?
8) It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7) It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.
6) Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5) We're experimenting with a new, even happier Happy Meal.
4) So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway!
3) Employees too embarrassed to ask, "Would you like condoms with that?"
2) Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "Prophylactic device."
And the number one McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in theBig Mac:
1) When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.
50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
Make race car noises when people get on and off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Play the accordion.
Shadow box.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Ways to Annoy Your Waiter
Eight hour lunch; two dollar tip!
Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"
Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage."
Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo."
Insist that, before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
As he walks back to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!"
Three words: Eat the check!
Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
- - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
- - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
- - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Real Headlines
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Potatoes (contributed by M.J.)
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had
eyes
for each other and they finally got married and had a little one...a
real
sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.' They wanted the best for little
Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about
going
out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name
like 'Hot Potato,' and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry, "No Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and
make
a Rotten Potato out of her!" But she wouldn't stay home and become a
Couch Potato either.She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not
to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins Mr. and Mrs. Potato. They
even
told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled
guys from Ireland. And even the greasy guys from France called the
French
Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going
out
west because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on
the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class
Blue
Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise
their
trade on all the trucks you see around town that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to Idaho
P.U., that's Potato University, where the Big Potatoes come from. When
she graduates, she'll really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr.
and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because
he's just a....
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Are you sitting down?
This is Reeeeally bad!
OK! Here it is! Remember I warned you!
COMMON TATER!!!!
----------------------
Science Facts & Legends
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They
illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information
comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'
----------------------
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag ahorse 500
feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed
with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the
sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in anydirection.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they
still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north
and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to
be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why
you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water,
so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But
have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are
twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do
it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be
called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will
kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
Date
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father...
"DAM* IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
E-mail:adambacchus@yahoo.com
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