Who is baltoh2o?
baltoh2o is Karen / alias "FunFabulous" or "FunFab" in the H chatrooms or on H dating sites.
Yoshi from the SOCIAL SUPPORT NETWORKING ALLIANCE is posting personal stories and inspired me to do so.
WARNING: Strong language used. Sorry, but this is an honest and blunt story.
I tell it like it is. You have been warned.
*All names, except for my own, have been changed
to protect both the innocent and the guilty.*
My name is Karen. I contracted herpes in 1992 when I was 22 years old.
I was a suburban-bred girl living in Baltimore city and it was my first time being truly independent. I had left college prematurely to go "find myself", was sharing an apartment with two wonderful male platonic friends, and working full time. I was there to experience life and all that the big city had to offer: both it's beauty and it's ugliness. I was ready....or so I thought.
I met a man who worked and lived in the building. He had kind eyes and a jolly laugh and had become friendly with me and my roomies. Eventually, we became close and the relationship turned romantic. What I did not know, though, was that he had herpes and to my great disappointment - was not monogamous.
I had never considered myself to be a naive person but found out how ignorant I was when it came to matters of the heart, sex, and human behavior during this time. I may have left college - but I got a huge dose of the school of hard knocks. After seeing Milton* for some time, I woke up one morning with a strange sensation after spending the night with him. I had symptoms immediately. Itching, burning, severe irritation. "What the hell is this?" I thought. I had always been careful and used condoms. I wasn't even thinking about an STD. I didn't even think about the fact that the condom had broken the night
before so it was the first time we had skin contact like that (and there is such a thing as a point-of-no-return, if ya know what I mean). I brushed it off as a possible yeast infection. I have never even had one of those before so I just assumed.
But the pain soon came and the itching and burning got worse - I could harldy stand it. But it was the weekend and the Doctor's office was closed. I called one of my older sisters, who had more experience in these matters, to get her opinion. She was honest and told me that it didn't sound like a yeast infection to her, "Go to the doctor asap, Karen...please". So I went early Monday morning after a weekend of torment. I was having trouble walking. Once the practitioner got a look...she new. "I'll run the test anyway, but I know what this is.....I've seen it before." "What?" I asked. She leaned back, grabbed a box of tissues, handed them to me and sat down. Looking me in the eye and placing a kind hand on mine, she said "Karen, you have herpes. It's a textbook case of it." "WHAT?????!", I gasped, and started to cry. She then proceeded to ask me some questions and then said, "Well, Karen.....you have to tell this man. It is possible he is a carrier and doesn't know it....or he was too afraid.....regardless, tell him to go to the doctor." She then spent a bit more time telling me how to treat it, gave me some meds, told me a little bit about management, and sent me on my way.
I was horrified. By the time I got home, I was completely swollen from front to back and could barely walk. I had to get a sitz bath (often used by women after giving birth) just to go to the bathroom. The stinging caused me to scream in pain. I told my mother (as I had just moved back in with the parents) since she new I had gone to the doc and there was no way to hide my pain. She was great. ( I was lucky to have support). She waited on me hand and foot while I passed out cold for a week on the couch - taking pain pills, applying cream, waddling to the bathroom, etc.
I called Milton on the phone to tell him and was actually worried and concerned for HIS feelings. I wanted to be sure to not sound accusatory in case he did know he had it. But the truth soon came out. He was immediately defensive - called me names, accused me of being a slut and sleeping around. I was horrified. I was, and still am, the most faithful of people. I had not had many partners before him and was totally freaked. He refused to hear me....refused to go to the doctor.......etc.
Needless to say the relationship ended immediately. My best male friend, Paul* (who was one of the roomies) said that it was more than clear to him from Milton's behavior that he NEW he had it and just didn't tell me. "Trust me", he said, "I'm a guy...I know." Paul was very supportive. I also recalled, after the fact, Milton saying he had some sort of sore spot due to a "zipper incident". Harumph! Zipper, my ass!
Not long after, I found out some more very disturbing news. We had lived in a very diverse neighborhood in Baltimore - a "transitional" neighborhood with everything from doctors to artists to welfare mothers on the same block, and in the same building. Therefore, we were exposed to all walks of life and although our building was safe with security staff and door codes, two or three blocks in any direction would get you nothing but drug dealers, crack houses, and gunfire. Really not much different than any other major city such as New York, Los Angeles, or D.C. Anyway - the disturbing news was that Milton had slept with a particular woman who I knew only by sight. "He slept with WHO??????" I asked in total disgust. "The chick with the fucking track marks on her arms?" It doesn't matter who told me - they thought I knew and were very sympathetic. "Oh my God". My heart sank into the pit of my stomach as I realized the chances of my having HIV. "That Bastard!", I screamed. "It's bad enough he gave me herpes. It's bad enough he risked is own life...but risking mine? All for some sex with some strung-out heroin addict bitch stickin' needles in her arms? That son-of-a-bitch! He had no right!!!!!!!!!" I was mortified and full of rage. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rewind.....I wanted a "do over"! "Oh God...why? Why me? I'm a good girl....I'm not one of those people......this can't be happening....I don't do drugs, I don't sleep around, I'm a good person..........HELP!"
Even then I was a tough nut - very tolerant and able to handle almost anything. I could deal with the danger of the city. I could talk to anyone and blend in anywhere. I even sang on the corner a few times with the street crooners on my block collecting change and it didn't phase me one bit that I was the only white girl on the corner. I played cards with the toothless, gray-haired, harmless alcoholic on welfare, Uncle J. I braved the park to walk my little dog and chatted with the local homeless people while she chased the squirrels. I frequented the Korean-owned convenience store with the bullet-proof glass and bars on the door across the street, and just laughed every time someone asked, "what are you doing in this neighborhood?" I handled myself quite well in dealing with potential danger at every turn and the hoots and hollers from guys with obvious gun bulges in their jackets. I spent over a year in that environment unscathed and in one piece. I could handle all that. But herpes? HIV? Oh the betrayal! That, I could NOT handle.
I cried myself to sleep that night and never spoke to Milton again.
I also resisted the temptation to cash in on the offers of "Ya want me to kick his ass for you?" I just wanted nothing more to do with him, or with the city. It was time for a change.
I spent the next year desperately trying to manage my stress so I would not get any more outbreaks, and was pretty lucky. I had moved back in with my parents and went back to college part time. I had been in a bit of denial about the HIV possibility and just resigned myself to being celibate. Then one day, my buddy Paul grabs me and says, "It's time, Karen." "Time for what?" I ask. "It's time to get tested". I froze......"no, no.....I'm afraid....I can't.....what if I'm positive? No. No. No, I'm not ready." " You need to know, Karen...and so do the people that care about you." He said. Paul gave me a big hug and shook me a bit, "I get tested every six months....I'll go with you....I'm due for mine anyway...we'll go together and we can go to a clinic where it's anonymous....I'll even hold your hand if you want....You can do this." So I let Paul drag me to a clinic, get tested....and then wait. I had to wait a whole week. It felt like an eternity. And then....finally....one day the on the phone:"You test was negative." "WAHOOOOOOOO! I'm negative! No HIV! Yippppeeeeee!" I was relieved - the world had been lifted off of my shoulders and I realized that it was the NOT knowing that was hardest. But it did bring back some anger for Milton - for putting me through that kind of torment. But I also thank God every day for my friend, Paul.
I eventually got over the anger for him but still had trouble trusting men in general...and I confess I still do at times...but mostly just because of various lies and infidelity - the herpes has become a minor issue. The worst thing about herpes is the emotional and mental damage - the stigma. The actuality of the virus is minor.
I finally began dating again two years after the diagnosis and found that most people are quite accepting and respect you for telling. I believe in telling whole heartedly. I think you are nothing more than selfish and inconsiderate if you don't. I could never do that to anyone. I ALWAYS TELL. They deserve the choice that I didn't get. I will not sink to Milton's level. I can respect a person for choosing not to get romantically involved once you tell, as long as they are nice about it. I also believe that it is as much their responsibility as it is yours to take precautions if they choose to get involved with you.
What is not ok, are people who treat you like dirt for it and here is my take on that: People who react in a negative, degrading, or insulting way are not worth your time, attention, or the dirt on your shoe. AND tell early on...don't wait for the possible rejection after your heart is in it - do it soon - do it once you have made a connection and feel you can trust them (even if you turn out to be wrong), but don't wait too long. Think about it. I consider telling a man I have herpes to be a great "jerk-o-meter". If I tell and he is an ass about it, GOOD RIDDANCE! I would not want him in my life anyway. Let's get real. Any person who would be cruel or break contact with another all because they have an STD has some serious issues, relationship problems, and character flaws that go way beyond you or your herpes. It's their problem, not yours. Think about it like this: What if it was your friend and your date reacted like a jerk about it.....would you REALLY want to be dating a person who is incapable of showing empathy, sympathy, or compassion for another human being in pain? Would you really want to be involved with a person who is that judgemental? NO! I think not! Fuck 'em! Let it roll right off and know inside that you are the better person and be glad you found out NOW that he/she is a cold-hearted asshole rather than down the road after you have invested your heart and soul. It's just another way to "weed 'em out". :-)
How am I now? Well I am ok as far as herpes goes. It's really the least of my problems. My outbreaks are now few and far between and VERY mild. Taking lysine and finding ways to avoid stress or alternatives in dealing with stress have worked well for me. I finally finished school and got myslef two degrees, tried teaching for while - didn't work, so I am working in another field for now. I have a large family and have not ruled out dating non-H men. I found all the wonderful internet resources, dating sites, and social groups in 1999 and was relieved and rediculously excited about finally meeting others who had Herpes. I knew what the stats were but never had the opportunity or knew where to look to find them. I kept thinking, "Well, where the hell is everybody?" So, there I was one day a few weeks after a break up with a non-H guy, sitting at my computer. A light came on in my head. I went online and typed in the search window...."Herpes"...and wallah! Hundreds of sites! I was in awe.....and that was all she wrote.
I have found it very therapeautic to help others with this so I am running a HELP group in my area. I am also deeply involved with the social groups and events and genuinely enjoying life. My job sucks, I 'm poor, still single, and in debt - but I got my family, my friends, my H buds, and a rather WICKED sense of humor... so life is pretty good! I am talented and outgoing and I know I have a lot to give. Although I DO have a life outside of the H2O crowd, the social group has been a wonderful stabalizing rock for me. I have now made some of the best friends of my life through the group and thanks to the National
events, I have been able to travel; seeing and doing things I might never have done before this...and it may sound wierd to you, but, it's all thanks to that freakin' little virus. I still don't wish it on my worst enemy, but...I like where this road has led me and would not change it now. Life is wierd.
Many blessings to all of you.
Karen
baltoh2o@yahoo.com
National H Party - http://www.geocities.com/national_h_party
P.S. Read on if you want to know more of my thoughts on H social events.
WHY I DIG THE H SOCIALS AND MY ADVICE ON HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF IT
DATING SITES and local EVENTS:
Hmmm....well, this is just my opinion BUT - I am also on one of the H dating sites but don't find it very helpful in the long run, but they can be a good tool. However, in the interest of safety, I decided long ago that I will no longer meet men alone. They must come to an event where there are others around for safety and my comfort. It is also a good idea because if you don't "gel", the day/evening is not wasted - there are still others to hang out with and stuff to do. But if your potential date turns out to be psycho (and that goes for BOTH genders) you have "back up" at an event. You can come up to one of us and let us know you could "use a little help" and we will totally be there for you. On the other hand....hey, man - if things are going well and you two hit it off, well, you can always leave! lol!
A VALUABLE RESOURCE:
I recently had a discussion with a man in our group about the events while we were at one (but it was not a local event). I listened to his side about why he doesn't go often and he had some vary valid things to say. I also have to agree and acknowledge that perhaps the events aren't for everyone but I sill say that from what I have seen and experienced, they are very worthwhile. I am not here to debate or criticize his views - just to respond since he got me thinking.This man said it was "a numbers game" and talked percentages and how, in his experience, many folks showed up already with someone or were there for a prearranged meeting, etc. Yes, this is true ...but that is one of the GOOD things about it - you can meet someone online and then invite them to the event. However, not everyone is there to "hook up". I REMIND ALL OF YOU: that the events are not for singles only - they are for everyone who has H. The events are about making friends and you can't make friends unless you make the effort. What I think the aforementioned man doesn't understand (and if you are reading this J, I still luv ya!) is that relationships take time and you can't show up every 5 months to an event, be on the prowl, and expect to find a mate. It doesn't work that way. You have to GET INVOLVED. You have to MINGLE! If you come ONLY for the purpose of "finding a mate", "getting laid" or "hooking up", it's not gonna happen. Folks smell that a mile away and will get put off (especially women, but ladies, I also know that some of the men are put off by ladies who are too aggressive and act "desperate") You also should not expect to meet your love immediately. The successful relationships I have seen in this group are the people who attended events regularly, formed lasting friendships, relaxed and simply enjoyed the activities and people of both genders - then one day one of those friendships turned into something else, or they helped out a new member and it happened, or they helped host an event and an H member from out-of-town caught their eye, etc. Several of these relationships have turned into great long-term couples who still attend events sometimes and a few have even gotten married - but every one of them were "REGULAR PARTICIPANTS" for a few years before it happened. The point is, I guess, is you have to make the effort and nothing can take the place of meeting someone IN PERSON and taking the TIME to get to know them. Everyone is so RUSH RUSH these days, we have forgotten how to stop and smell the roses or the art of romance and courtship. The internet is great and has been a Godsend in allowing us to find each other....but it is not a magic wand - get out from behind your computer, stop hiding behind your alias and show us your beautiful faces and smiles. All of you have something inside you that is worthwhile, loving, and so much to give. Share it with us and each other. Be safe, of course, but let's lighten up a bit on the steel walls and castle motes, shall we?
Honestly, for me - herpes is the least of my "problems" and I have not ruled out non-H men. But I love meeting new people and enjoying life and that is what the events allow me to do and I have truly made some wonderful friends here - That is why I am such a cheerleader about it. You aren't going to like everyone you meet - that is just life - but so what? Move on....we have a diverse crowd and you are bound
to meet someone you gel with. You can't come to ONE event and make a quick judgment. Keep comin' ...you will see. Just ask the Webmaster over there on DC H2O - he will tell you that in addition to dating some great gals, he has made some awesome friends - including some guy buds that he would not trade for the world. I also met my current roommate through this group. Who knew?
NATIONAL WEEKEND GATHERINGS.
The gentleman brought up this issue that I have heard before. When he mentioned people already knowing each other or paired off, he was talking mostly about the National Events. His comments got me thinking. So I thank him for sharing his thoughts!
My reaction: If you attend a National weekend gathering (and I highly recommend that you do) it is best to plan to attend the WHOLE weekend and PARTICIPATE in the various activities. For those that don't know: Most of these events have a Friday "Meet and Greet", a Saturday discussion or other alternative activity such as a picnic or sightseeing or scavenger hunt, etc. Then, the weekend culminates with the main event on Saturday night with some sort of party, dinner, banquet, dancing, etc. Some may or may not have a goodbye brunch on Sunday. I find that the people who don't enjoy these Nationals are the ones who show up quietly on Saturday night and stand in the background - wallflower central; or literally scan the crowd for someone to “hit on” and don’t mingle. What's important to understand is that nobody is ignoring you on purpose - you HAVE to initiate AND understand that by Saturday night, many of these people have already started forming friendships and dating potentials because they have just spent the last 24 hours together and now you show up at the end and feel left out because "everyone already knows each other and I don't know anyone" or "folks are paired off...so many couples....grrrrr". Well, that is because they hooked up/met on Friday night or competed in a scavenger hunt earlier in the day. People are already telling "inside" jokes because they just spent all day on a pub-crawl, on a tour, or at the picnic and are sharing stories from the day's activities or the night before. Many have also attended other events together before and it's like a reunion for them. Showing up only for Sat night does not allow you to get the FULL EXPERIENCE of a National Weekend Gathering. I am just being honest.
I do understand, however, that sometimes it is unavoidable and I am not saying that you should not go if you can't attend the rest of the weekend; by all means - GO! All I am saying is to take all this into consideration and be prepared to be bold. If you do show up on Saturday - then realize and accept what you are up against and that you will have to be outgoing and INITIATE contact with others. Don't depend on others to reel you in (although there are many of us who do go out of our way to help make newcomers feel welcome). If any of you go to a National and I am there too, seek me out. I’ll have no problem introducing you around and I have become accustomed to just walking up to total strangers and introducing myself. You can tag along and even take notes if you like. {drum roll….cymbol crash! Lol!}
Look....EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US has had to be the "new kid" at some time. ALL OF US have been in YOUR SHOES. We do understand your fear but You have to start SOMEWHERE! That first step is the hardest, but once you begin the path, each brick gets brighter, each bridge gets easier to cross, and before you know it, you are skippin' down the yellow brick road with your new H friends and having so much fun you will go home and kick yourself for not attending sooner. There is no "Wizard", no magic wand, no pill, no perfect dating website.....there is only YOU and what you are willing to do about your situation. Life will not happen through your computer screen - it's only a tool, and when used properly it can help be the catalyst for meeting others - but it doesn't do the job by itself. You have to open up, share yourself, and get your BUTT OUT OF THAT CHAIR!!!!!!! load up your car, hop on a train, or get on a plane, and show up.
Questions? Comments? Criticism? - I am all ears. baltoh2o@yahoo.com
Blessings to you all,
"FunFab" Karen
