BANANACUE
REPUBLIC
Vol I, No. 3
Sept 22, 2004
by H.A.de Veyra
TRAVEL:
Confessions
of a Reluctant Shaman (A
Travelogue)
Siquijor Island, even with its white sand beaches and unexplored caves, will always remain a non-vacation spot for me... with its reputation for being the home of the country's shamans, barangan (evil sorcerers), aswangs (witches), sigbin (familar), manananggal (human changelings whose bodies split in two with the upper part flying off to find its victims/food), and a whole lot others of unimaginable creatures. Think "Blair Witch" and multiply that into hundreds of the scariest nightmares, and you have an idea of what you're getting into.
In
the summer of 1990, two friends and I were challenged to a duel by a
powerful sorceress from E. Samar. To be challenged by a sorceress,
someone we considered 'evil' was a terrible insult to our egos. We
considered ourselves then the vanguards of everything that was 'good' and
'right'. Not to accept was to admit defeat. Besides it was
summer vacation, and we had nothing else to do. So we accepted.
Battleground: Siquijor Island. Talk about being stupid -- letting
the enemy choose the battleground for you, her own territory. But we
were that arrogant, that young, and that crazy.
As
every Filipino steeped in folklore knows, Siquijor is an island of
sorcerers, of magicians, and of frightening mythical creatures. It has
earned that reputation whether the locals there like it or not, although
the tourism industry has been desperately trying to promote its pristine
white sand beaches and interconnecting caves. If anything should
attract tourists to this island, it should be the less powerful
‘sorcerers’ hawking their cures to almost all the incurable diseases
in the world, even unrequited love. These sorcerers are everywhere, at the
port area, the market, bus stations... you can easily spot them because
they annoyingly wave this lapad bottle of gooey liquid in your face.
Sometimes, they let you smell some heady stuff first, and if you get woozy
and nauseous, you’ll have to buy the ‘cure’ or antidote which they
surprisingly have available for P300.
Disguised as researchers of medicinal herbs and potion-making, my friends
and I went there with our tambalan guide. A tambalan is a folk healer, a
medicine man, a sorcerer. Folklore paints them as kind old men healing the
sick with medicinal herbs and oracions. But after Siquijor, I never
believed in folklores again. The tambalans we encountered could inflict an
illness or death to anyone, and would at a very good price. Thus, I refer
to them as shamans, not wanting to taint the image of soft-spoken
tambalans I have in my mind. The powerful ones who practiced both
‘good’ and ‘evil’ magic pointed out that good and evil do not
exist for them, that they don’t feel the need to split the world into
two just so they can justify their actions.
As I grow older and wiser, I begin to believe that these sorcerers are on
the right track. To believe in good and evil, and to call our actions
‘good’ and the other’s actions as evil, makes us think we're
impotent to bad karma, our conscience and guilt. We can easily manipulate
good and evil to fit our agenda, and isn’t that what we do everytime we
want to harm someone, call them evil or monsters to justify our actions?
The battleground was San Antonio, where everyone seemed to be that summer.
Everyone, meaning the who’s who of the sorcerers in the country. It was
the Holy Week, full moon, Friday the 13th, aligning planets,
energy vortexed location, all rolled into one significant moment... I was
thinking this sorceress we were tracking sure knew what she was doing.
It was the strangest place I’ve ever been. Everything there felt
magical, fourth dimensional, my sixth sense on full alert. The locals
flocked to us in curiosity, and I was wondering, are they thinking at the
back of their minds, ‘hmm... supper...’. I could not help but think
that an ordinary human being would have been eaten already. Or have been
‘turned’ into someone like them, or a frog. They had lots of frogs.
We were very careful, while our tambalan guide was the one frantically
trying to protect us from the crowd that was turning into a mob. I felt
like a showbiz actress, at the same time, body parts for supper. This went
on the whole afternoon, and when it got dark, we witnessed these 3 women
dancing around a bonfire, laughing gleefully. The bonfire was near our
shack. Hm... conclusion by association, my brain was doing doubletakes.
We didn’t sleep that night. We used up all the candles we brought with
us, to fend off the dark while our imaginations wove frightening pictures
of mythical creatures devouring us. I hate mythical creatures! They’ve
been dogging me since I was small, thanks to our yayas’ horror stories
to make us sleep in the afternoons. And for the first time in my life, I
was face to face in a psychological and physical battle with them. The
second night, Friday the 13th, wasn’t better, we were using
up our flashlight batteries, then my camera’s flash, just so we
wouldn’t be shrouded in darkness.
No wonder
it’s said that when you go to San Antonio, you don’t leave the place
sane or make sense to your friends once you’re back in the city.
Constant fear and paranoia, fatigue, lack of sleep and being on our toes
all the time were taking their toll on our psyches. Our tambalan
guide finally decided to initiate us into their world. He said, it was the
only way we would be able to leave the island whole. Of course I thought
he meant whole in body. I didn’t know he meant whole in spirit and in
mind.
Our initiation wasn’t as dramatic as i imagined. Mostly because I thought they were joking when they said we were going to be stabbed twice in the back, deep in a cave somewhere up in the hills. While we trekked up this hill, my friend and I were still laughing and giggling, although we were watchful of wild pigs appearing out of nowhere. We arrived at the mouth of a cave that went steeply down into the center of the earth. Our guide said it was where the initiations were held.
I’m not going to go into details, except that inside the cave, in the darkness, we WERE stabbed twice, IN the back, THROUGH our hearts, and I felt the coldness of the knife enter my heart, TWICE, and because I’m a sissy, I cried and sobbed and was thankful that my faith was strong enough for me to survive... The test was, if your faith is lacking, you die from the stabbing. I rather think my ignorance about the whole thing saved me. Unless you consider faith and ignorance the same thing.
As we left the cave, we were surprised to see that a crowd had gathered, probably waiting for our corpses to be brought out. They looked as surprised to see us alive as we were to see them there, but now, instead of a hostile mob, they had turned into a respectful crowd. Or was that fear I saw in their eyes? Their city guests had actually survived a stabbing initiation which made us more powerful than they thought.
So what good did that initiation do me? First, I felt reborn and different. Nature looked different, more alive. I could see the grass growing in slow motion, the leaves greeting us, the wind passing playfully in front of me, followed by a bird, and a butterfly. I could feel the earth breathing from beneath my feet. Second, along with that vision, I felt that a huge chunk of esoteric knowledge had been dumped into my memory and all I had to do from then on was to remember. Third, I was able to go home whole.
I know that the initiation is secret knowledge in those parts. I know that we had been instructed to keep this secret from the uninitiated. I know that we should guard our newly acquired ‘powers’ or they might be stolen from us. I know that only a few are chosen and fewer still who can say yes, in ignorance (like mine), in faith (like my friends’) and in daily practice (like those who trained since they were kids).
It’s
more than 14 years since that summer, and over the years, I’ve learned
that there is no such thing as esoteric. Knowledge is around us,
information is there for the taking. No one owns it, no one can own it,
for it belongs to no one. Knowledge and information are tools to help you
move forward, not possessions to burden you and slow you down.
‘Esoteric’ knowledge least of all. Of course, you have to be smart
enough to know what you’re looking at.
But it is because of what I learned during that summer, that I can tell
you this with all seriousness. San Antonio, Siquijor, is not an ideal
summer vacation spot.
And
the sorceress? Coward that she was, she never showed up until years later.
COMMENT:
-----------------------------------------------
OF INITIATIONS...
Dear
Agnès,
I read your article [Confessions
of a Reluctant Shaman,
Sept 22] with great interest and I have to tell you that I am impressed by
your resilience and your equilibrium. Anyone else would have gone
insane. I know I would. But then again, I would never have
gone to that island knowing what you knew, first, because I would have
been scared out of my pants and second, because I wouldn't see the point
and purpose.
One thing I notice about the world of sorcerers and "power" is that nothing is given freely. The strongest feed on the weakest who in turn feed on the weakest of them all. The concept of "initiation" is based on that principle. The novice wants acceptance in the group, some type of knowledge or power and in exchange he has to give something of himself. Initiations go from the benign type like the ones they do in University fraternities where you have to "do" something in order to be accepted. The fraternity group takes something from you: your control if you get drunk, your "image" if you arrive to school dressed up as a clown, your willpower if you are forced to do something against your values or principles. In exchange, you are accepted and allowed to be part of the group. Groups like this feed on what the novices have given. They would not exist or survive without that. These types of initiations are minor because it's easy to reconstruct or get back whatever part of yourself you have given away and there are no long term consequences. I have never accepted and would never accept to participate in ANY initiation, of any type, however mild it is. If the acceptance, the knowledge or the power is not free for me to take, I do not want it. It is my principle. On one hand, my desire for acceptance, knowledge and power is very weak, and on the other, my desire to keep my inner integrity is extremely strong: therefore I have no merit, it is very easy for me to resist.
Other types of initiations are much more severe and involve total or partial destruction of a human being's integrity in order for a group or an individual to survive. What happened to you on that island is one of those cases. These sorcerers cannot survive on their own (as sorcerers). Like the University fraternity group and individuals, they need to feed on other people's energy in order to stay alive, in order to remain who they are. The 'preys' they feed on are always willing although most of the time not conscious of what they are actually giving away. The novices want acceptance, knowledge and power and they are willing to sacrifice a part of themselves in the process. Once the novice has given all or part of his integrity away, he is given what he desires: the knowledge, the power, the acceptance. Sometimes the sorcerers take so much that the individual dies physically, sometimes he dies psychologically (goes insane). If the novice doesn't die physically or psychologically, if he survives then there can be two possibilities. Sometimes, as in your case, the novice retains his spiritual integrity and leaves with an apparently extremely scarred soul and heart with the consequences you know and are living through. In many other cases, the novice dies spiritually (lose the basic human values), and that is when another cycle starts. From then on this novice will need to feed on other people's energy to be able to survive as a sorcerer.
Do you really think that guide "helped" any of you out of grandeur of heart? Do you really think he did that for free? When he "stabbed" you, did you not let him take something? Did you not sacrifice something in exchange for power and knowledge?
I think the guide was actually the sorcerer. I think he was the one who took from you and by doing so he created a link between you and him. I think that link still exists and that is why this experience still haunts you. There must be a way to destroy that link and free you.
- Joanne (QC, Canada) (09/29/04)
Agnes replies:
You forgot to mention another type of initiation. Initiation
as a process of awakening, a movement from ignorance towards understanding
and "knowing." As we are initiated, we move from the world
of appearances towards the realm of becoming. We travel paths that
will lead us from the external appearances to insight. Because the
levels of understanding become harder as we travel, initiations become
necessary.
I do not believe that what I am seeking is "owned" by anyone to give. I do not believe that I have to give up anything of myself to anyone to get what I want. Yes I agree, if the power being offered is not free, I don't want it either. However, I believe that to "become" (that includes, understanding myself more -- knowledge and wisdom), I need to give up some things that are part of me: like beliefs, ignorance, prejudices, fears, opinions, possessions, illusions, etc., that I've always held true or hoped to be true.
So the more I understand, the more I have to "give up" and let go. Every time I give up something, I go through a process of transition. Sometimes, there is pain, sometimes there is only the sadness of letting go. I call this moment of transition, initiation. I have to survive each initiation to be able to move forward. It is not something "done" to me or something "given" to me by another, it is something that goes on inside me, it is the way I process questions to understand myself more. Once I do, then I go through the whole process again, maybe with the same questions, but with deeper answers, deeper understanding.
The initiation I talked about in my article is that which we give ourselves. Maybe in the silence of our "dark nights". Maybe in the form of another person "giving" the initiation but it depends of course on how you look at it. In that initiation I went through, I wasn't after power or knowledge. The three of us were not thinking that we were giving the controls over to the guide/sorcerer who stabbed us. We did not put our faith in him but in ourselves. We did not believe that he was giving us knowledge, because we knew more than he did. We were ready to defend ourselves with or without his help.
But
you're right about his making a link with us. When he told us that
morning that we needed to be initiated, I saw him "offering" to
do it to us, and putting his faith in
us. He never asked anything in return. However, I sensed that
he was getting something in return, our trust and a link to us (in that
world). I knew (even in my ignorance) that he was creating allies,
that he needed a larger and stronger group. Not necessarily in this
world, but in that world up there, where the real battles are fought.
I don't know about the others, but my link with him has been cut. My
nightmares are gone now... :)
Posted 09/28/04.
"...over
the years, I’ve learned that there is no such thing as esoteric. Knowledge is around us, information is there for the taking. No one
owns it, no one can own it, for it belongs to no one. Knowledge and
information are tools to help you move forward, not possessions to burden
and slow you down."
To read the comment to this article, please click
here.