BANANACUE
REPUBLIC
Oct 07, 2005
attitudes by H. A. de Veyra
Google
polyamory
D said I should google the word. Polyamory. Many loves.
We were talking about relationships, and the role love has in them. I
raised these questions: If you love someone, and express your undying love
to your partner, how can you have sex with another? If you love someone
and express your undying love, why do you still seek for others? How can
some people choose economic/material/comfort reasons over love? How come
love cannot be enough? What is love? What is true love? Why do we seek it
fervently, then discount its importance in our lives. And what place is
left for love in today’s relationships?
Tara (an Australian guru) used to tell me that love is an either/or
option. Either you love someone, or you don’t. No buts about it, and no
ifs. And when you do love someone, you’d better be ready to dive deep
into the ocean, or jump off a cliff for love. Take risks. Otherwise,
you’re not ready. Ready for what? I assumed she meant that all-consuming
love that awakens our passion for life, and ignites our senses into
countless conflicting emotions. The only thing worth seeking for in this
life. Love is indescribable, therefore, it can only be felt. When I
asked Tara how she could love another while loving someone else, and why
it was easy for her to let go of someone she loves deeply, she said, “hm...
cos I’m not attached in that way.” Hmm... I guess I’ve still a long
way to go.
D said I should google the word “polyamory”. Many loves.
We were discussing the pros and cons of online dating, or finding your
partner through the internet. I said it just widens your choices, from
meeting only the people in your immediate circle to meeting people all
over the world who are seeking as you are, and whom you have no chance of
ever meeting if not for the internet. The fact is, it’s almost
impossible to meet your potential mate if you don’t make an effort.
Hence, go online. And meet other seekers. God and fate after all, have
computerized. J said, but doesn’t that make mail-to-order brides and
prostitution more accessible to everyone who knows how to use a keyboard
and a mouse? In our culture’s case, the middleman is now just a software
that makes it easier for seekers (read: perverts) to find their match
(read: dollar-seeking Filipinas). This is true in a sense, there is an
ever growing presence of white foreigners in our country, with Filipinas
hanging on to them like their lives depended on that foreigner’s arms. I
am not being a racist, but I do raise my eyebrow when the foreigner in
question is a quivering old man who can barely walk, or a big-bellied
arrogant and loudmouthed white, with two 17-18 year old Filipinas clinging
on both sides of him. I do feel sad for our race when these foreigners are
literally ‘buying’ these Filipinas out of their poverty, and offering
them a better life (3 meals a day at least) in exchange for becoming yayas
in their old age, and well, a sex slave as bonus. A Canadian
anthropologist I know was disgusted when he saw these foreigners with
clinging young Filipinas, he said, they are the dregs of our society and
here they are exploiting your women. J’s German volunteer friend said,
they are the ones who can’t attract the women in their own countries, so
they come here. All a matter of opinion I guess, and choices. Can you
blame people if they’ve the taste for young and willing and cheap Asian
bodies? Can you blame an uneducated and hungry Filipina if she sees this
foreigner as her and her family’s savior?
I’ve heard of stories about how Filipinas are preferred by whites
because of their devotion to their husbands, their family values, their
loyalty, etc... but I also know of the Filipinas’ reputation for using
these foreigners as their ticket to an American or European citizenship,
or just playing (sometimes in groups) with a foreigner’s feelings to get
more dollars. My friend J says it’s all probably economic. When you
think of it, this is a better deal than living in poverty, or alone. Both
parties get what they both intend to get from that relationship. Ask them
where they met: Online.
We exchanged stories. I said I know a 26 year old friend who married a 58
year old American and when they came here for a vacation, her husband
found another 22 year old Filipina (in the same town) whom he also met
online. J talked about another Filipina who married an American for love
and when they were in the States, her husband continued seeking other
women on the internet. She waited for two years until she got her green
card before divorcing him. She became street-smart but lost her sweetness.
There’s also this teacher whose online friend came to visit but ended up
with another teacher. In fairness to the foreigner, no promises were made.
It was all done western-style dating. Choose from many options, until you
find the one you want to end up with. But when a Filipina has a different
impression of ‘dating’ where “I’m interested in visiting you”
means “I want to marry you”, how did she feel about it when she found
out he was dating another Filipina aside from her? Fortunately she was
stoic about it, she was also emailing other foreigners aside from him.
Then there’s the German guy who asked his friend’s Filipina to look
for a Filipina for him to marry so he can buy and own land here when he
comes to visit. J said, but where is the love in that? What is the
underlying motive for seeking? Economics? Love? Loneliness? And what does
that do to our reputation? I said that’s true. We can’t blame the
Americans for example, for thinking that Filipinas just want their
dollars. Or citizenship. Because that’s really happening.
J related a story to us where some tourist divers’ impression of
Filipinas were prostitute-looking young girls who could barely speak
English, clinging like vines to the arms of big-bellied Americans. Being
flown in directly to a tiny diving island from the international airport,
their only exposure to the Filipinas were the ones they saw in that
resort. When J started talking intelligently (in English) about the
efforts being done for mangrove preservation, a German diver asked which
country she came from and she said I’m from here, I’m a local
(wondering why he looked so puzzled). I wonder which country he had in
mind...
But I’m not saying love does not exist among these couples, or love
cannot exist, whatever their age or economic differences are. A good
friend of mine for example, is extra devoted to her husband and both of
them are in love with each other. I can say that what brought them
together was not economics, but love. They’re the rare few. The guy was
willing to dive deep into the ocean with her, and jump off a cliff to be
with her, and so was she. But they’re surfers, what can I say, surfers
are crazy.
But wait, truth is, I don’t really think much about reputations, what
other people or nations think about us, what other people do with their
lives. (Except of course, when ‘bad reputation’ becomes asking to be
exploited and abused which is what our women are asking, and getting.) For
me, I try to respect the choices a person makes. I’m not an omniscient
being who can see which actions are good or bad in the long run, and
therefore judge a choice made by that person or by the collective whole.
What saddens me though is when love is cheapened. When love loses its
sacredness, and becomes just a word of convenience. But I guess I cant
complain, knowing that whatever level of love one feels for another, can
evolve and will eventually evolve, however slow it may take. I don’t
know, I’m confused already hahaha.
D sighed and said I should google the word “polyamory”. Many loves.
I asked D and J what they thought love was. D laughed and said, “I’ve
met my true love, my soul mate, but is he my boyfriend? Only when we’re
together. I’ll probably marry someone else if it’s more convenient
economically as long as I like the guy and have the same interests. Love
doesn’t have to be present, after all, I’ve met my true love already.
And he’s there for me.” Hmm... J and I looked at each other. I said,
maybe I’m naïve and old-fashioned for thinking love is a monogamous
thing. J said, “I don’t care if I’m called old-fashioned. I can only
love one man at a time.” D exclaimed, “but love consumes and is too
huge to give to one person alone!!” I know this theoretically, and even
agree to it. But was I able to practice it when I tried? Honestly? I
couldn’t, guilt consumed me just as love did. Because of that guilt, the
love that I felt became tainted. I was torn between hurting someone by
confessing on one hand, and asking for forgiveness and being forgiven on
the other hand. Tara used to tease me, “you Catholic prude! Guilt is a
choice!” I guess I just have different values, a different take on love,
different principles...
Can love have many levels? Could it be that a person feels a different
kind of love from the one his/her partner feels, therefore their treatment
of the relationship differs? Paulo Coelho, the author of The Pilgrimage
described 3 levels of love: eros, philos and agape. Eros is where it all
starts, attraction, sex, chemistry... which when allowed to evolve can
become philos, friendship love, which married couples who stay together
for long, develop. Agape is the most evolved kind of love, and would need
another article to describe (and for me, maybe another lifetime to learn).
So if one feels eros, and the other feels the more evolved philos, is
there a possibility of a lasting relationship? Does the other one have to
wait until the other one catches up?
Tara said, “*Bs Agnes! you’re trying to intellectualize love again!
You either love a person or you don’t! That’s all there is to it!”
D said, google polyamory already!
COMMENTS:
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Take the "G" out. Oogle at it...Everybody seems loving somebody,
twobody, threebody..but as my lover polyamorous says: "It's just that
it's in different levels..." Since this universe is getting small
thru technology and communication, we are faced with variety...which makes
Love many-faceted... dulz 10/07/05
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I like your article. The part about the fat, old, white men and the young
Fillipinas brought so much mixed emotion. Anger, grief, disgust,
understanding, comprehension.....all wrapped tightly in a thick blanket of
sorrow. May I share this with others? - Nancy, NC (USA) 10/17/05
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*Smiles... you misquoted me a number of times *slap... lol and also gave
me a *title* I cringe at... so another *slap - Tara xxx 10/18/05
"If you love
someone and express your undying love, why do you still seek others?
How can some people choose economic/ material/ comfort reasons over
love? How come love cannot be enough? What is love? What is
true love?"