Office Christmas Party  
 
      
 
 FROM:     Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
 TO:  Everyone
 RE:  Christmas Party
 DATE:     December 1
 
 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
 Party will take place
 on
 December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at
 Luigi's Open Pit
 Barbecue.  No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog!  We'll
 have a small band
 playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
 along. And don't be
 surprised
 if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
 
 ***********
 FROM:     Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
 TO:  Everyone
 RE:  Christmas Party
 DATE:     December 2
 
 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
 our Jewish employees.
 We
 recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
 which often coincides
 with
 Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 
 However, from now on
 we're
 calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
 applies to employees who
 are
 celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
 
 ***********
 FROM:     Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
 TO:  Everyone
 RE:  Holiday Party
 DATE:     December 3
 
 Regarding the note I received from a member of 
 Alcoholics Anonymous
 requesting a non-drinking table  ...you didn't sign
 your name. I'm happy
 to
 accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
 table that reads, "AA
 Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I
 supposed to handle
 this?
 Somebody?
 
 ***********
 FROM:     Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
 RE:  Holiday Party
 DATE:     December 7
 
 What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that
 December 20 begins the
 Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating,
 drinking, and sex
 during
 daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
 can appreciate how a
 luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
 Muslim employees'
 beliefs.  Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
 your meal until the end
 of
 the party - the days are so short this time of year
 - or else package
 everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will
 that work? Meanwhile,
 I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
 sit farthest from
 the
 dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
 closest to the
 restrooms. Did I miss anything?
 
 ***********
 FROM:     Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
 RE:  Holiday Party
 DATE:     December 8
 
 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do
 you expect me to do, a
 tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's
 prohibit the burning
 of
 sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping"
 employees, but we'll try to
 accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
 band's breaks.
 Okay???
 
 ***********
 FROM:     Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
 RE:  Holiday Party
 DATE:     December 9
 
 People, people, nothing sinister was intended by
 having our CEO dress up
 like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
 does happen to be
 "Satan,"
 there is no evil connotation to our own "little man
 in a red suit." It's
 a
 tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
 family feuds over the
 Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's
 Day. Could we lighten
 up?
 
 ***********
 FROM:     Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
 RE:  Holiday Party
 DATE:     December 10
 
 Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! 
 We're going to keep
 this
 party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like
 it or not, so you can
 sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
 death," as you so
 quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad
 bar, including
 hydroponic
 tomatoes..  But you know, they have feelings, too.
 Tomatoes scream when
 you
 slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them
 scream right now!
 
 ***********
 FROM:     Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources
 Director
 RE:  Bob Lewis and Holiday Party
 DATE:     December 14
 
 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Bob Lewis
 a speedy recovery
 from
 his stress-related illness and I'll continue to
 forward your cards to him
 at
 the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
 decided to cancel our
 Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the
 23rd off with full
 pay.