I'm Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am 
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam 
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections 
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions 
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown 
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! 
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt 
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut 
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch 
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch 
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind 
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! 
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing 
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting 
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back 
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack 
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb 
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome 
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side 
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! 
And I honestly think its a privilege for me 
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee 
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball 
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal 
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand 
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band 
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep 
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! 
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see 
you can forget all about that old penis envy 
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks 
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick 
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true 
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!