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TO MY DEAR WIFE, 

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have 

succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The 

following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 

54 times the sheets were clean 

17 times it was too late 

49 times you were too tired 

20 times it was too hot 

15 times you pretended to be asleep 

22 times you had a headache 

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 

16 times you said you were too sore 

12 times it was the wrong time of the month 

19 times you had to get up early 

9 times you said weren't in the mood 

7 times you were sunburned 

6 times you were watching the late show 

5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 

9 times you said your mother would hear us 

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 

times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the 

ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I 

had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had 

hurt you because I felt you move. 

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TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: 

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't 

get more than you did: 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat 

36 times you did not come home at all 

21 times you didn't cum 

33 times you came too soon 

19 times you went soft before you got in 

38 times you worked too late 

10 times you got cramps in your toes 

29 times you had to get up early to play golf 

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 

2 times you had a splinter in your finger 

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV 

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you 

missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in 

the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or 

kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was 

trying to breathe.