TAKING EFFECT 2003

DRESS CODE:

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according
    to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada
    sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are
    doing well financial and therefore you do not need a
  raise.

    SICK DAYS:

    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
    of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
    are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:

    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
    employee here, you need all your organs. You should
    not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
    To have something removed constitutes a breach of
    employment.

    PERSONAL DAYS:

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
    They are called Saturday & Sunday.

    VACATION DAYS:

    All employees will take their vacation at the same
    time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
    Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
    you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.
  Every effort should be made to have non-employees
    attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
    employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
    be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
    to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
    subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
    of the work is done enough.

    OUT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH:

    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
    require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty
    to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
    In the future, we will follow the practice of going in
    alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose
    names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
    employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20
  to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your
    allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
    the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
    emergencies employees may swap their time with a
    coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
    approve this exchange. In addition, there is now
    a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
    end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
    paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK:

    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to
    eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size
    people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
    to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
    minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed
    to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.


    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
    here to provide a positive employment experience.
    Therefore, all questions comments, concerns,
    complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
    insinuations, allegations, accusations,
    contemplations,
    consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
    Have a nice week.

    Management